poor randy

he looks ... uncomfortable. it seems like every round he goes through, it takes more and more out of him. please keep praying that he gets stronger instead of weaker. i know that God is still with us right now, He always is. this just seems too much at times. we are at the point right now of resting when we can, so if you come over to visit, PLEASE don't look at the house. it is scattered with christmas toys, boxes and clothes that we are going through to give away.

tales from the hospital

well, that was dramatic. 

randy says hi to everyone, and merry christmas. he's doing great today. yesterday was tuff on him. he helped Conor assemble a star wars lego ship... thing, and ended up with a migraine. it ruined the rest of his day. bummer...  this is one christmas that we won't forget. me and the kids had an eventful day. it started off real well. we got to join in with the Cables to go hand out gifts at the Manor. then we came up to the hospital to visit, went to grammy and papa's then dinner with Tommy's family, checked in with Randy, who was out cold, picked up my nephew for the night, then went to bed...

it was such a whirlwind. we are super excited about New Years Eve. That is the one holiday that we get to enjoy. There is no drama or stress and we get to eat crab. YUMMY! i need to save a special glass of wine for the evening. ahhhh. so much to look forward to.

he should get to come home tonight if all goes well. he just has one more round of chemo this evening, then they have orders to release him. it's good to have amazing dr's and nurses. they are making things a lot easier on us.  have a great weekend. we plan on it!

Christmas Eve

we are sitting in a quiet, dark hospital room trying enjoy the day as best we can. i am enjoying this relaxing time actually. this morning was a rough start for me. my nerves are shot. i thought i could trick myself into thinking our early Christmas was going to make up for him being in the hospital, but as the time passes and i go home alone every night, it really starts to bug me. at least we are able to be with each other, unlike so many families who are separated or are in the military, so i guess i can't complain too much. i am touched by the people who support us and love on us. i think i always tend to get sentimental around Christmas anyways. sorry if i have some across as being grouchy. i don't mean it. i am truly being as positive as possible. 

randy is doing well still. he will get to come home on friday night or saturday. not sure yet. i am excited because i think that when he gets home, he will still be up to hanging out for new years. i'll take that holiday with him for sure.  

well, merry christmas guys. hope that you have a blessed day with your friends and family.  hope to see you guys soon. lots of love from the miller's.

Round 2

It's already been 3 weeks. Can you believe it? man. So after the first round, he lost his hair, got a little beat up, but is now ready to battle again. This set is different, so we shall see how he reacts, but so far so good. He seems content and more rested. This picture is from yesterday morning, BEFORE Meghan brought up a beanie she had made for him. He SOOO loves to keep his head warm.

Wow, it's been awhile... sorry.

...not that you are all on the edge of your seats waiting, but i know there are some who may want an update on Randy. Here's the deal with him: HE'S BEEN DOING GREAT! you can chalk it up to "no news is good news". He's had his good week, and that's why I haven't been online, because we've been busy trying to get everything done before Monday.

He starts his 2nd cycle Monday, for the week. He will be admitted this time as well for 4-5 days, because i guess it's rough on his kidney's and they want to make sure he stays hydrated. We don't need another problem on our hands, like trying to find a kidney donor. All though at this point, I'm convinced that if he did need one, God would make one appear out of thin air...

Anyways, in this last week, we celebrated Gillian's birthday, hung out with Conor for his Christmas party, and went to a pack meeting with his boy scout troop, went Christmas shopping, TOGETHER, for the 1st time in 3 years, and my work moved to a new location. (Scarbrough Office Design on Crossroads drive. COME CHECK IT OUT! I hear they have really cool office furniture). But like i said, we've been busy. Now I'm off to wrap presents, bake cookies and make whatever casserole is needed for Christmas with his family tonight.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Happy Birthday Gillian!

i can't believe she's already 8. so much has happened with her these last few years. she's one of those kids who has the mind of a 20 year old. she is just being held back by her age. from the beginning of her little life she's been waiting to take on the world. she even came a month early. talk about IMPATIENCE! she tells me now, it's because she didn't want to miss out on that year's Christmas presents... i just think she's a restless soul. she has a heart for God, her family and is bold enough to talk to strangers about her faith. LOVE IT! the boys better look out though. she has been raised with all boys around her, and knows how to throw a punch. don't think about trying to trick her or tell her a lie, she's sharp. we are very thankful for this little girl.

The day has come!

Before:

During:

Gillian got to help

After:

best christmas EVER!!!!!

what in the world? this is by far the most precious year we have ever spent with family and friends, and the most blessed day isn't even here yet. i really wish i had the words for how i felt. joy, peace, love, excitement just doesn't cover it. if you can grasp the true meaning that God has given for the word "love", then MAYBE you'll understand how we feel.

Our very own Christmas elves...

Do I still believe in elves? I guess angles would be a better word. This is the first time in 4 years that we've had lights up. Thank you guys!!! They look great! Seeing these pics make me want to cry. This is up and beyond prepareing for a Sunday sermon... this is LOVE!

Today is a good day

He woke up feeling awfully spry. He even made the coffee this morning and did some dishes. He's having a lot more awake hours during the day. I think this gives him hope that he can make it through this next coming months. If it was all bad all the time, i would worry about depression.

We get to have our family portraits this afternoon. Good timing considering the hair falling out day is quickly approaching. I am super excited to see how this goes. I've seen all of your pics rolling through and I can't believe it's our turn. We had a great weekend of friends and good food. It sure beats the heck out of hospital food.

Looking forward to better days ahead!!!

goodbye pretty smelly stuff

He FINALLY understands what it feels like when you're pregnant and all smells make you sick. i'm sad that it's come to this for him, but he even admitted today that he didn't really believe me about the smell issue when i was pregnant and had to move out of our condo because we couldn't get rid of the fish and garlic smell that lingered after our last fishing trip. granted, they shouldn't have cooked it in the house when i was going through severe morning sickness, but that water under the bridge.
all of my bath wash, body spray, candles, wallflowers and fabric softeners have to go. tear tear, sniff sniff...
i am going completely unscented after he told me the smell of me, that he used to love, now makes him sick. i parked my pride and reassured him i knew how he felt. he was afraid to tell me because he thought i would be offended. the dr's already warned me that it would happen, so i just encourage you to not layer on perfume thickly if you plan on hanging out here. between that and the hand washing, i hope you don't think that we are freaks. i just want to make sure that he has to throw up as little as possible. thank the LORD that coffee doesn't make him sick... yet!

Day 4. End of the 1st cycle

he got to come home today. he ended the last of this round of chemo around midnight last night, and was gleefully awaiting my arrival this morning. unfortunately we still had to wait for the dr. to release him, but they made it as quick as they could. i love the nursing staff up at mercy. they are beyond sweet and helpful. they taught me how to do most of his home care, and set us up with a home care nurse starting tomorrow. the main focus is the grochong cath in his heart. here's a pic:

it has to stay in for the duration of chemo. just shy of 27 weeks to go...and yes, it is sutured in there and will eventually fuse to his skin, just to be cut out in the end. eeeewwwww....man. not looking forward to that! if you look close you can see the "vein" looking thing up by his collarbone. it goes into his skin, up to his collarbone, then turns and goes strait down into his heart.

all in all, it was a pretty good day. he ate a couple bites of real food, and kept it down. he just doesn't have an appetite. hopefully that will pick up soon. any ideas?

we are happy to have our good friend Rich K. here. it's nice to see all of his friends rallying around. just don't forget, if you visit and are sick, i will kick you in the gut. regardless, use the hand sanitizer. it's by the front door. and don't be offended if i remind you. we can't have him getting sick or else it means another hospital stay. you know those new, first time moms and how freaked out they get when you sneeze, then ask to hold their newborn baby? well, that's me. don't believe me? ask anyone who's walked within a 10 foot radius of him this last week! :)

Day 3

MUCH BETTER DAY!
As i was walking in his door this morning, he was texting me. that's a great sign. i think i dropped my backpack, and ran to him, then remembered that i had to wash my hands, THEN i ran back to him and he smiled real big. He got upset because he thought i hadn't told him goodnight last night. i laughed, and tried to explain how the night ended from my perspective. He was very deliberate tonight with his goodbye.

most of the day he was up and happy. still not really eating. he did attempt broth and crackers. he says he's just not feeling the need to eat, that it doesn't feel like the most important thing to do, so why worry over it... ok? the dr. said it's fine to go a few days, but they are giving him something to boost his appetite. He also has to take a steroid for some reason, and the pharmacist told me tonight that it causes irritability. (explains the mood swings today).

I have to give kuddos to the Target pharmacist. they are SOOOO on it. he said that his family has gone through cancer a lot and assumed that's what was going on with randy, because of the drugs i had to purchase for him, so he took extra steps to make sure it was all ready before i got there. even one that wasn't faxed in. he just already "knew" he would need it. GOOD JOB TARGET!!!

he gets to come home tomorrow. he's all ready to bust out of there @ midnight, but it just would be too hard to have someone set with the kids so late, but he said he plans on taking the bus. knowing him and how sweet the nurses are, i fully expect to see him in the middle of the night.

day 2

when i got to the hospital this morning, he was great. sitting up, talking, eating... then that all changed quickly around 10:30, shortly after i went to work.
the dr. said once you start to feel nauseated, it's a slippery slope. they have been chasing it the rest of the day. so far they have him on a continuous zophran drip, plus the patch behind the ear, plus adovan, benadryl and something else, all for nausea. STILL sick. poor guy. after talking to the dr. today, she said that there is a delayed reaction and it will last up to 7 days after he stops treatment.
Randy said the thing that he hates the most is the shot in his tummy every 8 hours for... his... red blood cells... i think. my head is spinning. it was SOOO hard to kiss him on the head and go home alone. i waited until i got to my truck to cry, because the poor nurses are already having a hard time with this whole situation. THIS SUCKS YOU GUYS!!!

so more drama... dah dah dah.

as we are being admitted this morning, the receptionist tells us that it's stage 4. we haven't heard that until today, but i doesn't change things much at this point anyways, so what are ya gonna do? so then he gets admitted into a double room, bummer, but that gets changed pretty quickly. he goes into a little surgery to have a "grochong" port put into his heart so that they can administer the chemo long term, blah blah blah, and THEN tells him he shouldn't have eaten today, thanks for that great info a few hours too late. his two options, wait until tomorrow, or not use a sedative or pain meds. two guesses as to what randy said...

so he now has a two tubes sticking out of his chest for the next 7 months, is in his new private room, ready to start chemo, and the nurse says, there's a hold on his chemo. MEDI-CAL WAS FIGHTING IT!!! wow. they wanted to make sure that it was necessary. seriously. amazing. the dr. was livid and fought to push it through, and then the ball got started rolling again.

he got to eat, so did i, (thanks chris). they gave him something to take away the nausea before they gave him the chemo, and it took the edge off his nerves. next time i want a pull off that I.V. the kids got to visit. did some homework. then we left before they gave him anything... all day, and they still hadn't started. this just means he will be in the hospital until thursday. here's some pics as promised: the second pic is of him trying to escape :)

Thermopylae

This is the day Randy's 300 march off to battle.
If I have ever know a warrior as strong and unbeatable as Leonidas, it's my husband!
The difference is, this battle is already won. He will return home to his family triumphant, albeit a little battle worn, but he will return none the less.
He has his soldiers seen and unseen, by his side.
The battle cry has been sounded, and we are ready to fight!

We begin our own 3 day battle today. Our Thermopylae is Mercy hospital. I will keep you posted each night. Thanks again for all of your prayers! Love all of you!

So here's the deal:

He starts chemo next Monday. He will be hospitalized for 3 days, while they administer the drugs which takes 48 hours @ a time. This is a very hefty chemo consisting of 3 drugs. Then he gets 3 weeks off. They said right around day 17, he will loose his hair. Amy, hair shaving party? Bring it on!
THEN on December 22nd, 23rd, 24th, 25th and 26th, he will start his second round. He will go to the hospital for 10 hours at a time, but can sleep at home. This has only 2 drugs, but causes different side effects than the first set. Merry Christmas...
Once again, he gets 3 weeks off, then they do another PET scan. This will continue for 6 months.
He will have a catheter inserted into his chest for the duration of treatment. Because of this, he will have Home Health Care to help with the dressings and keeping it clean.

I think that's about it. He will have a gamut of scans starting Monday. The first one is to make sure his heart is healthy enough to insert the catheter. The second one is a bone scan to check on his pelvic bones. FUN!!!

This is just the beginning: Meet Dr. Collins and Kristina, her nurse.
I

We qualified for medi-cal!

Our share of cost is still pretty high, but at least we have something.
That said, i can't believe the support and love, and generosity we have been on the receiving end of. God is taking something so crappy, and turning it to his glory. I guess Randy has really touched you hearts. I googled Randy Miller/The Myriad...13 pages popped up with 10 links on each page about him and this battle. Plus on my myspace bulletin list, 8 out of the 10 listed were Randy's video that Jesse and Jeremy did. Blew me away. At the end of this, God WILL be victorious, Randy will be healed, and we will all be on our knees in awe of just what God can do. I already am.

We meet with his oncologist today. Her name is Dr. Carolyn Collins. We have the best of both worlds, an amazing local Dr. and a top notch team from Stanford that she will defer to. We have our support team in place with our family and dear friends, medical costs covered, a roof over our heads, (thanks again) and a never emptied frig. It's either piping fresh hot meals, or leftovers the next day, then more hot food... last night beef enchiladas, oh BABY!!! yummy. Yesterday was a good day. :)

We are both a little nervous to go today, because everytime we go to a Dr's office, the news gets worse. It's all a part of the journey though. He is bringing us along slowly, but i appreciate it. If we knew how scary and hard this was in the beginning, i probably would have grabbed him and ran to Mexico. Can't find him there... oh, wait, cancer is the enemy. Can't hide from that...
All right God, part our red sea, and drown our enemy!

LOVE

God's comandment that covers all else.
LOVE. Love your God, Love your neighbor.
I'M FEELING IT!!!

Harry & David, Country Organics, and Shonnie Wolcott

What a day for deliveries!
If you know Shonnie, you know what just saying her name means. A gift basket full of all the fixins for a banana split, and a cool basket, plus a scooper. All decorated with ribbons and sparkles... The kids are in heaven.
On top of that, friends are bringing us amazing meals throughout the week. I have NEVER in my LIFE opened up a box FULL of H&D stuff. Can't wait to dig into all that goodness. And it's like Christmas opening up our juicing box. Just as soon as we finish up all the fruits and veggies, another box appears on the doorstep. AMAZING!
God is not only showing us how big he is, he's making us smile through our tears, whether we want to or not. Last night I dreampt He was like a beautiful peacock, strolling through the woods, over all of the multicolored leaves and mullberries. Sounds odd, i'm sure. Maybe the fact that my front yard is COVERED with red and yellow leaves and mullberries, had something to with that, but the peacock is all Him. He's so beautiful to me.

We are coping, making it through this battle called "medi-cal". I have a feeling this is gonna kill us first. (sorry, bad joke). I can't wait to have that part over with, so he can start chemo. That probably sounds odd too. Who the heck WANTS to start chemo???

Thanks again for all of your love and prayers. We SOOOOOO feel them! We love all of you.

for those who want to read more about it:

Here's a link with a lot of info about this cancer.

http://sarcomahelp.org/Newsletters/V01N06/Mes_Chondro/mesenchymal_chondrosarcoma.htm

Good news first? Why not...

The chances of amputaion is very low. awsome.
this concludes our good news portion for the evening...

Now the crappy parts:

It is an even MORE rare type of cancer called "Mesenchymal Chondrosarcoma".
Big word. Bad prognosis.

The Dr. put it to us like this: It is going to be as hard to fight, if not harder, than lukemia. AWSOME!!!

Chemo is up first, as soon as medi-cal goes through.
Then another surgery. Then radiation. Then hopefully remission.
The research is fleeting because it is so rare. I guess only 2 cases per year, but tomorrow i will post what my sister has found on the subject. (thanks Lorra).

Also we have to look at genetic testing, since his sister has breast cancer, and he has another type of tumor on his adreanl gland, so it hints to a certain genetic abnormality, that pre-disposes them to cancer. So it will effect his other siblings and our children. AWSOME!!!!!!!!!!!

medical terminolgy for dummies:

this is the raidology report ( i snuck a peek) teehee...

1.Ring shaped moderate hypermetabolism is noted in the left axilla at the site of the ill defined soft tissue mass noted on CT scan. This is the site of the chondrosarcoma.
2.Moderate-intense hypermetabolism is noted in the markedly enlarged right adrenal gland. This is stable in appearance from prior CT scan. Findings are concerning for adrenal metastasis versus adrenal adenoma.
3. Focal hypermetabolism is noted in the proximal left humerus, right iliac wing and proximal left femur. Only the right iliac wing shows subtle lytic lesions at this site on the CT scan. Findings are concerning for bony metastasis.

Real words, please?
1. There is still a ring of cancer cells around where the main tumor was in his shoulder.
2. There is a 5.2 x 3.8 cm "growth" on his right adrenal glad, that was eating a lot of the stuff they injected into him. (When it metabolises so quickly, this generally means it's malignant). However it doesn't show the same characteristics of the original tumor, therefore is possibly a whole different cancer!
3. Somewhere on his left arm, and left thigh, there are areas that mirror the same characteristics of the chondrosarcoma, and would carry the same prognosis as the original tumor.

Reading this, i feel the weight and gravity of it all and will probably sit here for a moment and pray/cry, and then go back to getting ready for this trip. PLEASE pray that this is all a mistake. I refuse to go down the bad road yet. If anything has been shown to me these last 3 weeks, is that our God is unbelievably good. He is here with us, and i have FAITH that moves mountains, because Jesus says i do. If you don't agree, take it up with Him. He's taking all my calls this weekend.

someone hit the fast forward button...

so i guess we are off to Stanford on Monday. this is Friday. wow.

thank goodness that we have so many people lined up to help with the kids, because there's a lot that has to happen to leave town so quickly. we spent a lot of hours last week planning Monday, but not the Monday that we are actually gonna have.

here's the original: take kids to school, run to work for an hour, go pick up randy and go watch Gillian get an award of excellence for school, take randy back to work, go back myself. they have minimum days all week, so we set up after school care until i get off @ 2. then we were gonna pick them up, take them to their aunts house so we can go to both of their parent teacher conferences....

change of plans: reschedule with teachers (still need to do this) pick up films from MD imaging to take to Dr. in Stanford (done), take kids to Grammy's Sunday evening so we can leave Sunday night, then she can take them to school on Monday, find someone to take Roxy, (thanks Arlene)Rebecca's going to watch Gillian receive her award, (Grammy, you are also very welcomed to go, it's @ 830am) i hope someone takes pictures, sigh... Wendy's picking kids up at school and keeping them til we get home with GOOD news?!?!? of course. it'll all work out smoothly.

more waiting

the PET scan results are back, tentatively...
but we have to wait to meet with the dr. in stanford to GET the results, but
we can't meet with the dr. in stanford until we qualify for medi-cal, and
we are having a hard time quailfing for medi-cal, but
God is bigger than all of this!!!!!!!!

our dr. did say that there are some suspicious spots around his surgical site, in his left arm, on his adreanal glad, AND in his pelvis. so we sit here and wait until the county tells us yes or no.
if we are denied, i KNOW that God will provide to the penny what we need. He is already showing us that. we have a GREAT God!

just a quickie...

i want to share with my friends from church a realization that i had on the way home tonight:

many of you came up to me and shared how much you are praying, how much you love us, and offered us help wherever needed. it is so appreciated. i told you all about the peace we have and how we just feel strong. i know that this comes from the Lord, but not only in a spiritual way, but because of all of the love and support we get from all of you. if it wasn't for the prayers, dinners, hugs, acts of kindness, financial support, and genuine love that only a family can give, i have to be honest, i'd be a freaking MESS!!! looking back over these last two weeks, the times where i start to loose it, someone just seems to show up at the right time and offer me what i REALLY needed at that moment. thank you for listening to your heart, and not letting my stubbornness get in the way of your love. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!

Family day

we decided to head up to castle lake. this is the one place you can find me... if you ....can't find...me. yeah. anyways this is my favorite place to go to get away, and we were pleasantly surprised to find snow. not that we were really prepared for snow, but it was a good cold and dry, not yucky wet snow. i have to say, this was just what the dr. ordered. it is so beautiful up there. next spring, i plan on hiking around the whole lake one afternoon. something to look forward to.

what a fun day so far...

dejavu with mandi and jenn.

red robin with shelly.

back home for wine and cookies with kathy.

now i'm off to my mom's...

we'll miss you jenn. aloha til January!

whew! i'm sleepy. night ya'll...

breath...count to 10...

yeah. practice makes perfect.
i have a great day ahead of me. all of my girlfriends are rallying around me to make sure i'm eating and busy. believe me, i am eating. EVERYONE is making sure of it... i do appriciate the love though.
so i am super excited about my day, but there are unseen forces trying to steal my joy. i'm not gonna let it happen. we are leaving the house for the whole day. no tv, video games or phones! it's time for me and the kids to get a new perspective on life, and to do that we have to leave these four walls.
randy got to go out with his guys for the last few days, so instead of staying here waiting for our mighty hunter to come home, we are getting the heck out!!!! :) hopefully the geese will already be cleaned an put into their perspective freezer bags before we return. i am very happy he was able to have his guys distract him for a few days. looking forward to the stories that follow. a conversation i always look forward to over a glass of wine.

if you're reading this, turn off the computer and follow my lead. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!! enjoy your weekend. monday will be here too quickly.

i guess it's time for an update

i put this off a couple of days to digest it.
looking back over my "jam packed day on tuesday" i chuckled. at 7:45, once i was already dropped off at work, and had no vehicle, my phone alarm went off telling me i had jury duty. totally forgot because of the impossible week before. i'm thinking i got my summons the day before randy's surgery, so i spaced it. i was group 6 which is usually due up first. i panicked for a moment, then called a friend who made a call and made it all better. i happened to be on standby. WHEW! didn't mean to "not report for jury duty"...

so after the day continued, i got a call from randy. poor thing had his ct scan then went down to medi-cal, for 4 hours. i am usually the one to handle anything dealing with money for home or the business so he had no idea how to answer some of, well, MOST of the questions, so he came home frustrated and with a lot of homework for me to take care of. it also looks like we won't qualify, so this is a HUGE prayer request. i hate to think of the medical costs of this whole thing, but God is bigger than the people down at the county office. lets just say that day was an emotional roller coaster for both of us.

i just had to go to my last blog to see what day this was, then i remembered the rest of the day.
randy picked me up from work, we ran a couple of errands, got his staples out, voted, picked up the kids, and got the call. the results came back. (i found out more details last night, so i will combine these last two days). they found another "non-related" tumor on his adrenal gland. no big deal, just go in and remove it. (that was the dr's response, trying to keep me calm, since he saw my reaction to the FIRST time the surgeon told me of the OTHER tumor) so no big deal, he has another surgery, and if you're counting, that would put us @ 3... plus even more scars. no biggie. it was the words "unrelated" that got me. what does this mean, ANOTHER type of cancer?!?!? maybe i need to spend more time digesting.

but tuesday ended very well. i came home from running some errands and saw that randy's friends came over that evening and hung out and blessed us in a huge way. THANK YOU GADDY'S!!!!! we have great friends. then mr. cable came over for a couple of rounds of halo 3. i watched the voting results and went to bed. good end to a rough day. i will save the election results for another day.

a jam packed day

~go to work early
~randy has a ct scan this morning at 7:30
~then medical applications later this morning
~off work @ 2, get kids off the bus and to auntie wendy's
~go to get staples out @ 3. i'm sure randy will do better at this than me
~deep breath...
~get kids, dinner, homework, laundry...
AMENDMENT: (just got a text), post office then tommy's, and hopefully the bank, somewhere in there, but before 4.
~THEN relax time. hopefully. :)
right. this should make the day go by fast.
OH WAIT! i still have to vote!!!
sheesh.

verified, but still nothing.

it IS chondrosarcoma. that we do know. but they don't know what to do with it.
it is a bone cancer, but not in the bone. they have no idea what stage, so the prognosis is up in the air. i guess chemo and radiation are in affective, so that means we get to find another way of getting rid of it. their answer is another surgery to make sure they got it all the first time. but their way of making sure of that, is to remove up to 2 inches of healthy tissue surrounding the tumor, which could mean taking off more than we want. we have decided to cross that bridge when we get there. there's plenty of decisions to make today.

first things first, he has a full body ct scan on tuesday. then they will remove the staples. and hopefully he will be more comfortable. i'm trying to find stuff that i "need" done on monday so he can rest just a little longer, but i'm afraid he will see through that. maybe some fresh air will be good for him. plus we get to make a fun trip to Stanford to meet with a specialist down there. i need to get map quest rolling so i can figure out where Stanford is. all these years, i thought it was in Connecticut... road trip anyone?

a little more info, but not much...

we found out today, that by God's Divine planning, Randy was able to keep his arm. i guess in other situations, or operating rooms, the dr. would've had to come out and ask for permission to remove the limb and shoulder since they would have to remove about 2 inches of good tissue around the tumor to prevent regrowth. the anesthesiologist commented to the dr. that he was shocked they had done this surgery as an outpatient procedure. that is proof that they didn't know what they were getting into before the surgery, but also proof that God is in control of all situations. we saved a heck of a lot of money in the meantime...

this emotional roller coaster is trying to tear us apart, but by God's grace combo'd up with all the super hugs and prayers, we make it through each day. i think fatigue is starting to set in. we were however able to find the perfect costumes for the kids tonight, and are able to keep some normalcy for them. one victory for the Miller's!!

we should know more next wednesday, staples are being removed on tuesday, and the dr's are leaning to it being "chondro sarcoma". that changes almost everyday though, so don't bank on it being the same in the end. it is however a bone cancer, they know that for sure, although it is not in his bones. bizzare. good news, no bone marrow surgeries!!!

goodnight.

o.k. here's some more pics...

no news is good news?

randy seems to think so. me, personally... i think it sucks. sorry.
i guess whatever this particular cancer is, or should i say "tumor", since they are now hopeful that there's still a slight chance that it's benign, ( i REALLY hope so), but am tired of having the rug pulled out from under me, so i will stay neutral, is too rare to understand, so they sent it to harvard to decipher. that was a long sentence. anyways, we have to wait a few more days. if it means it comes back as not being cancer, i will wait the rest of my lifetime. this waiting game is killing me. i still feel so blessed to have everyone rallying around us.

as i said a few days ago, the raw nerves would enter in, and they have. i feel like i can cry at the drop of a hat. i think a lot of it is sleep deprivation. there's so much going on other than this and it's getting hard to keep up. plus... i feel like a wienie. on sunday, we took his dressings off, i have pictures i will post as soon as i find my camera again. but it really shocked me how big and gnarly they were, and i felt a little sick. i think my helper was a little shocked too. so we put new bandages on, and i thought it was just shock that made me feel that way. NOPE. last night i had to keep leaving the room so i wouldn't throw up. it must be because i love him so much that it REALLY bothers me. i usually have a strong stomach for these things. oh well, maybe i'm slipping in my old age...

Brotherly love...

this is the best medicine: a room decorated with love notes from your daughter, a great friend to watch a movie with, and a little punkin to snuggle with. AWSOME!

protective fog

that is the gift God has given to me today.
the abilty to not feel too much.

randy's gift: Norco...

i feel an overwhelming presence of peace right now.
i know that the time will come where our nerves are raw, but thankfully some sleep came last night, and that helped a lot. we feel very loved and taken care of. thanks to all of you.

randy is resting and if i can keep him from moving his arm, he doesn't hurt too bad. he's very aware, and has been, from the begining time in recovery, of what's going on. they told us that he wouldn't remember too much until today, but of course they were wrong. they obvioulsy don't know him. he actually prayed for ME last night. that started the tears again, but then the drugs kicked in and he went off to lala land, so he didn't have to watch me cry.
thanks again for your prayers.

We can't wait to take off the bandages. i think he's excited about the scars. he thinks it'll make him look tough. i tell him it's his guns that do that, but, hey, i can't begrudge him a couple battle wounds. he won't let me near him with vitamin E...

how do i start this blog?

cancer. there. i said it.
what the heck?
my husband has cancer...
that's about all i've got folks.
thanks to our friends and family who have been with us today.
i will keep you posted when we know more.

Here's to someone i'm VERY proud of...

this is a man who deserves a blog dedicated to only him today because:
he is a man who gives to others, with no concern for himself.
he is a man who lives his life for his family, and CHOOSES them over all else.
he is a man who is willing to do the hard thing, even when it costs him lots.
he is willing to speak the truth, when his enemies surround him.
he is dedicated to God, his friends, his job...
i consider this man a very dear friend and am very happy to walk through life with him and his family. plus it's his birthday, so

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR. CABLE!!!

Seriously?

how is it that something can wake you up in the middle of the night, hours before you have to get up, and you just can't go back to sleep? i'm talking about those nights where you are so exhausted that you go to bed before 10, and crash. there's no WAY anything can keep you from sleep, even if there was a hurricane or tornado or a barking dog. Nothing should be able to wake you before you absolutely have to get up. for some reason, those are the kinds of nights where the inevitable happens and you look over and it's 3 am. maybe 3:25, but usually for me, i don't get those extra 25 minutes. so then your mind starts going over the previous days happenings, then it rolls into what you have to do later today, during the hours that you are SUPPOSED to be up. then the trying to make yourself go back to sleep begins, right? you tell yourself, 'i have to get up in 2 hours and i NEED to sleep some more.' i am convinced at this point, this is our downfall. once you start down the road of "counting sheep" you're screwed. so you watch the clock. it's 4:15. 4:22. 5:00... o.k. i have to get up in a half hour... 5:15. all right, i'll just get up and make coffee...zzzzzzz. THEN THE ALARM GOES OFF AND SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!
why?

What a Monday!

i don't think i really had a weekend. if i did, i didn't get much done. that's what monday's are for right? i am actually excited to go to work tomorrow, because i know there is work there waiting for me. that's a good thing. there's orders to process, phone calls to make, stuff to organize. i have a purpose. but the benefit is that i can leave it there, unlike stuff at home.

i finally decided to sit down, go through bills, get my household organized. i realized that if we are to get on the right track financially, we had to start out by figuring what we owe. that's when a beer entered in, but only one, and i consider it dinner. i'm sure that Nate will deal with me soon enough since i seem to be the biggest elephant in the room when it comes to drinking, but until then, i will enjoy my pumpkin ale. it's VERY good BTW. yummy.

i realized that our finances are so out of control, that years of "greed" and lack of health insurance, left us in a position that we can't even pay for Randy to have the surgury he needs, because we have no savings, and A LOT of medical debt already. so i wrote it all down, wrapped a rubber band around it, and stuck it in my bible to remind me to pray over it. this should be a very humbling experience. but at least we have a start. sigh.

i hate it when Nate makes sense. it makes me act. stop it would ya?

It's October

I'M COLD!!!!!

well... we got ANOTHER dog

but she kicks butt. this is providence. here's the LONG story:

moday: got a call from my mom saying that there's a lady that had a dog. she lost her job and had to move out in three days. she has a dog, that she can't take with her, and asked if they knew anyone who wanted her.

monday evening: me and my mom went to pick her up, yet she had "run away". (didn't know she was picked up by haven humane)

wednesday afternoon: i call Haven Humane to see if she had been accosted. yes she had. i was informed of my rights. i decided to go purchase her that afternoon, but was told she would be $85 because i wasn't the "owner". the "owner" had 4 days to claim her. (she was picked up monday, you do the math. Monday plus 4 means the "owner" has until thursday at closing to claim her).

Thursday morning: i call H.H. they inform me she was "adopted". Really? how is this possible? she is still in the "4 day's" the "owner" has to claim her. i start crying and call my mom. all i have to say is my mom kicks some major bootie. she found the "owner's" and took them down to claim her. they told them she was adopted even though they we're allowed to adopt her out til the next day. she shows them a picture of her. they tell her to "go find her in the kennel". guess what? she's not there. BECAUSE THEY HID HER, BECAUSE SOMEONE "IN HOUSE" WANTED TO KEEP HER!!! that didn't fly with my mom. Oh NO!! she politely told them a few things, and now i have my puppy. WOOHOO!!!

the rest of the story:

my SWEET husband didn't want her, because:

1. she was a puppy and would poop and or pee all over the house. NOPE! completely potty trained.

2. she would bark all the time. NOPE! not one peep out of her even though there has been at least 10 knocks at our door this afternoon alone.

3. she was only $45. (just the cost of liscense) Take that H.H.!!!! hahahahhaha

in all honesty, this is the coolest dog in the whole world. she is a maltese/ chihuahua mix. all white and fluffy, with a brown nose and brown eyes like a chihuahua. ADORABLE and sweet. she follows me EVERYWHERE and cuddles with randy, to his own annoyance. HAHAHAHA!!! i was right. neener neener neener. yes i feel like a 6 year old right now. here's some pics:

my new dishes

I'm stoked... it's nice to have a full, unbroken set.

it'll be weird to learn how to drink out of a square cup.

like i don't already have enough trouble...

it's a good thing i already have my FAVORITE cup though.

these will be for guests.

my boss doesn't read this, so no worries about kissing butt.

a friend of mine blogged a little while back about how great his job is. at the time i hadn't started my new job yet. i read it and thought, yeah his boss is a great guy, my friend seems to be happy, good for him. it must be nice to be appreciated, blah blah blah. (no really, i was really happy for him). anyways, i didn't truly understand how you could be so happy at work. then i got it.

usually, work is a drag. somewhere that you have to go to make money. there is always something that you don't like about it. maybe your hours are too long, not getting paid for what you do, don't like your co-workers etc... but nope. things are so perfect. i get just enough hours to stay busy, yet i get off in time to pick up my kids after school. i am qualified to accomplish the tasks without looking dumb or making too many mistakes. My boss is the best teacher/trainer. we get each other. he couldn't be any sweeter. the pays's great. it's close to home. i love the products we sell. i tell you, i think i will have to fight my friend, job for job and see who comes out on top. LOL. it's funny what happens when you let God have control over your life. he puts people and opportunities in front of you and you just have to reach out and grab it.

it's been a few days.

life is good.
great job
great friends
great family
good times...

ummmm...yeah...

what the heck? satan is on a rampage. i know that he is trying to mess up tonight. it happens to be the night we get to host the "stirring BBQ and SWIM PARTY". yeah right.
it's like 75 degrees out, which i would normally love, but no one will want to swim. not a big deal. i got over it like, 3 hours ago. then as i was trying to prepare the rest of the patio, house, lawn etc... nothing else would work right either. the hose leaks all over my feet as i tried to hose off the porch, and i HATE having wet shoes. that put me in an instant crabby mood. i could not get the weed eater to start in the front or back, randy luckily came to my rescue. as soon as i cleaned up one mess, of course something else got messed up. that is how most of my day has gone.

now i KNOW this is satan, but i just want to give up, call meghan to tell her it's off, and go read my book all alone in my room. that's still a possibility, since it's only 4 :15, but my love for my meghan is enough to carry on. grrr.


for those of you who DO make it tonight, i really hope you have fun, and God kicks satan's butt the heck out of the miller's back yard!!!! those of you who can't make it, we'll try again next year, right?

It's already Wendnesday

Usually by this time of the week, I feel tired, down, and realizing that the weekend is just out of reach. There's no going back to the previous weekend, so we just have to grin and bear it for the next couple of days. Wednesday's tend to drag on for me, just as Monday's do, but things seem to be different today. I feel upbeat, confident, excited and complete. I know that I am loved by the ones I love. I know that God is here in this house. He always has been, but I feel His presence now more than ever.

Plus, as if you didn't know, fall is MY time. 5 more days until the official start of fall. I was excited to have to come back into the house on the way to the bus stop to grab a sweater. The tank top and sweats didn't cut it today. Luckily I still have a hoodie that's not packed away. Oh wait. It's not mine. Just realized I have to return it to it's owner. Time to unpack the long sleeves and jeans. WOOHOO!!!

Also, I am trying to use capital letter's when they are supposed to be used. To me they are a waste of time, but it is now necessary for my job, so I need to get used to it. I can't tell you how many times I've had to go back and fix them in the blog. Go back and count the caps used, and that's how many times. And I have to learn an easy way to convert fractions to decimals. Any advice?

my thoughts on the matter...

i really hope that in our family, we are able to be who we are.
we are o.k. with tat's, peircings, oddly colored hair... thank goodness, or me and my daughter wouldn't be able to attend. so why can't we speak what's on our mind and work through it. i have been told my whole life to " be quiet" to be "seen and not heard". i almost thought that being silent was a GOOD quality. wow. i'm glad that Jesus wasn't made silent when God told Him to speak or we would not have any guidence after the old testament....

cool stuff

• i got a new job. start on tuesday.
• have great friends. one of which got me the new job. (thanks Chris)
• have a new book addiction, thanks to Meghan and Mary.
• plenty of time spent this weekend with good friends. you know you love your friends when you're actually excited to help them move.
• get to party tonight. yay Joe and Deniese! looking forward to that.
• starting the love and respect group here this thursday. it's an awsome study.
• stirring BBQ here on friday night. if you're reading this, you are invited...

i'm sure there's more cool stuff that i'll post on later. have a great night...

11 years ago...

...we said goodbye.

i really wish you guys could have met him.

he prepared me for this life that i have. he taught me how to change the oil in the car, how to cook, how to never give up no matter how crappy the situation, what to look for in a husband and father for my future children. sadly he never met them.

i eagerly await the day i get to hug him again.

july 21 1947 ~ september 9 1997

50 years was NOT enough.

K.I.S.S.

i'm not talking about the band. this is a term used by randy, on more occasions than i can recall. if you hang around him much, you will get his version, "keep it simple stupid"
this is my version: (the acronym is the same)

as christians, we tend to complicate things. we have rules that we have to follow if we are to fit in. we worry so much about what we should do, and how we should act, but by doing that, we so quickly turn 90 degrees away from the life that God has called us to. i recently found out that my favorite verse was also my friends favorite. it, coupled with the first commandment, is what helps us to keep it simple...

Romans 5:3-5 "we rejoice in our sufferings because suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, charter produces hope and hope does not disappoint us , because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

the first commandment: love your God with all your heart, soul and mind, and love your neighbor like yourself...

if you truly understand these two concepts, if you love your God, and you neighbor as yourself, you will not commit the rest of the sins... theft, adultery, slander...
if you understand that by suffering you will become the person that God has created for you to be, then you will understand the heart of God.

will we ever be like Christ? i sure as heck won't. i can try. i can pray for the heart of Christ, but i will never BE Christ. will i love my God? with my whole heart. will i love my neighbor? i have to admit, it is easier to love the ones who love me. but will i try to love those that oppose me? only when i have the character that comes after the struggle. i struggle with coveting what is not mine. yep, that's one of the commandments. but i pray that God gives me the strength to LOVE. that's the whole focus of this sermon right. love my neighbor, do not want what is theirs, but be happy with what God gave me. LOVE my neighbor... LOVE MY NEIGHBOR. i struggle with that, but i will persevere, i will gain the character and hope that is poured out into my heart by the Holy Spirit that is in me...

what is worship?

is it swaying side to side to the music?
is it raising your arms and hands on a Sunday, just because everyone else does?
is it falling face down in the isle of the church floor?

if it is for you, then God bless you. i admire your courage. i look up to you, and am maybe a little jealous that you are at that point in your journey. maybe it is the first time you have really heard God speak to you. maybe you have followed Christ for years, and God brought you back to a time of reverence. that's AWESOME! (that one was for Nate) i love the fact that we worship in a community that allows us to worship in the way we feel led, just as we live in a country that allows us to vote as we see fit. but is all worship the same?

i have attended "the other church". i have been told i was too different from the rest, to please take it down a notch... what i have learned from that experience is this:
God created everyone different. He created us to be in awe of Him, to fall at His feet. but also to live for Him. to fight for Him. isn't worship something we do on a daily basis? isn't it in the way we treat our spouses and our children? does it count when i hold my friends hand when they are in distress or wipe away their tears and pray for them? isn't that worship?

i believe that God wants our love and devotion. He loves when we fall at his feet, but if we are always in the posture of kneeling down and anointing His feet with oil or perfume, when are we going to live the life that He created us to live? LOVE YOUR GOD~THEN RISE~ AND GO FORTH INTO THE LAND AND PROCLAIM HIS GLORY!!!!! let your life be worship unto Him.

change... sucks.

time to change things up

you know those moments when you are just sitting there, minding your own business, and it hits you? i mean like someone just smacked you in the back of the head with a skillet type of moments? i had one of those such occasions yesterday. a little bit of information goes a long way...
the change for me, may be subtle at first, but who i am is slowly changing. i'm getting stronger. i think even a little smarter. now it's time time kick life in the butt, and just go for it. i can't sit around and wait any longer. that's not the kristyn that God created. one of the things i like best about myself, is i'm not afraid to change. so bring it on!!!

taking a day off from drama

i have soooo enjoyed today. i got my chores done, minus one. (my brand new "weed hacker" broke. i've used it once and now it decided to take a break too, i guess).
made it to the store. decided to splurge a little and buy some flowers and wine. why not, right?
tried to keep the leaves out of the pool for a couple of hours. thank goodness i had help. ate a really yummy meal that i got to cook with a good friend. even went for desert. it was low fat, but i think i made up for it with the dinner... meatballs are NOT fat free. i needed a day like today. all feels like it's right with the world. FINALLY!

now i'm off to slumber. goodnight ya'll.

being comfortable in the silence

i'm not good at it.
if i have any kind of down time, i try to fill it up with meaningless myspace games, cleaning, watching food network and drooling, wishing i had the money to go to a gourmet store so i could make it too...

it seems that after this week, i would want to just curl up in bed and sleep.
i would like to, somewhere deep inside me, but sleep doesn't ever seem to come. even nap time eludes me. someone ALWAYS calls or rings the door bell, the dogs bark, or the kids need something that they have been capable of getting for themsleves for years now.
sigh...

seeking God out during those times seems to be the last thing i do. i'll try picking up my Bible again, and soaking up the joy that He always gives me when i am bone dry. oh man am i dry. the redding heat and wind hasn't helped. i do find it funny that i pray for silence when the world around me is spinning out of control, but when i have it, i don't know what to do with it. weird.

under attack

satan is pulling out the big guns. i can't go into details, but the miller house is in a serious battle, and we keep getting hit in waves. 3 huge things in the last 2 and 1/2 days. not to mention the other trivial stuff that i wrote about eariler this week. it's funny how quickly life puts things in perspective.

please please please pray for us.

providence and dutch bros.?

yup! i do believe in providence.

it was for a day like today that God put a dutch bros. by my house.

i'll set the scene for you:

~i haven't slept well for at least three weeks, so i'm a LITTLE on edge.

~i'm not very nice in the mornings anyways without coffee.

~we ran out, so i was planning on re-heat this morning.

~i woke up to, "honey i have bad news". (the side story here, is that randy was knealing next to conor who was laying on the couch, and my first thought was, "oh man, conor's sick, so i will go grab a cup of coffee, and then figure out what to do next...)

~randy, "we're out of coffee........and i dumped the re-heat because i wanted to make you a fresh pot."

~me, "you dumped the re-heat?"

he stayed for about 2 minutes, then was like "uh, i gotta go..."

so i battled through the morning, and i mean battled. then dropped the kiddos off at the bus stop and made a mad dash to dutch bros. to grab my carmely soy goodness. i also got to see derrick, "hi derrick", and a poster on the window for the myriad concert coming up soon. i looked at the picture of randy, and thought to myself, 'you are so lucky buddy'.

it has been SUCH a monday!!!

my phone broke. i made like 3 mistakes @ work, including saying "SHIT!" when mistake number 2 was happening, (in front of a patient), my brain hasn't been working correctly, and i was informed by verizon that i will be paying full price for a my new phone since i used my free upgrade to get my mother-in-law her new phone for christmas, that she proceeded to drop in the pool a couple of months later. plus i can't drop her line for another year and 3.2 months or that will cost $165 more... grrrrr!!!! tomorrow can only be better right?

so here's a pic of my new phone that is INSURED!!! i don't make the same mistake twice.

happy sunday!

that seems to be a common greeting in the miller house, once the smell of coffee fills the house and the kids have had their initial morning hug attack. as a young girl i used to cringe when Sunday rolled around because it meant waking up early to sit on uncomfortable pew's at the Methodist church we attended, the weekly chore i had of picking up dog poop, and school resuming the next day... yeah, my kids have such a hard life... the only time they pick up dog poop is when they sass a little too much.

ANYWAYS! i love Sunday's now. we start with a really good cup of coffee, or two, followed by omelets, conversations with the kids, a couple of chores just to make Monday roll a little smoother, and then we get to do whatever the heck we want. we usually fill up the day spending time with friends which is mostly for my benefit. it's called FELLOWSHIP people!!! plus, we actually want to go to church once the evening time rolls around. thank you Nate for having the guts to tell people it's o.k. to worship God whatever time of day. it doesn't have to be at the crack of dawn. i find that He get's more of me when i'm actually awake.

so happy Sunday ya'll. see you in a few hours...