Wednesday, March 10, 2010

taking a break from his medication

saw the dr. today and she said that he needs to quit taking his medication until we get back from vacation, and then cut the dose in half. i love that we can joke with the doc and laugh through this. he's starting to feel a lot better, but still can only walk with crutches, which is hard to do with blisters on your hands i guess. poor guy.

Monday, March 8, 2010

so tired of the roller coaster. LET ME OFF!

today, i hit a low. it's one of those days that i couldn't even talk to anybody without crying, so i just stopped talking. it may have seemed rude to some. sorry. my heart is broken watching Randy go through what he's going through and not being able to help him. he's already been through so much, and now... well, he's going through hell again. it just seems wrong that something that is made to help you, has such bad side effects. to me, healing should be wholesome and comforting, not toxic and painful. he woke up last week with a poison oak- like rash on his face. it has now spread to the rest of his body including his feet and hands. his fingers have big blisters on them and it hurts to even put weight on his feet, so he can barely walk. what kind of life is that?

part of me feels selfish to even ask him to continue on with the "wonder pills". if my quality of life was diminished, I would't want to live, so how can i ask him to. of course he quit complaining about the pain when he saw me crying, because that's just the kind of guy he is. I DON'T WANT HIM TO SUFFER IN SILENCE! i am so mad that i let me emotions overtake me today. he doesn't need to see me crying to know i love him. that's a moment of weakness that i don't plan on reliving anytime soon. i should just go cry in the shower like i always do. grrr! i am so mad at f'ing cancer. (sorry) it seems like we take 2 steps forward and 10 steps back. we fought hard to even GET these pills, now it's making him suffer. ugh. my head is spinning.