Monday, December 14, 2009

home from vacation exausted

we had fun. we got to stay in an amazing house on a golf course. swim in the ocean. do whatever we wanted. went geocaching, ate shave ice (lots of it), laughed at all the roosters around, took naps, got beat up by 30-50 waves, not much hiking because of my broken tailbone... and after 16 hours trying to get home, got to see our babies who we really missed. Here's a couple pics:

Sunday, November 22, 2009

what a beautiful morning

i decided to go outside to have my cup of coffee this morning. it looks so cool outside today. it took at least 10 minutes before i got too cold to go in. my big dogs wanted to play ball so bad, but i like to wake up slow, so i threw the ball into the pool to buy me some time. it works great. they were too cold to jump right in like they usally do, so they stood on the side of the pool WILLING it to come to them. i kept watching them, and they didn't move, so i grabbed my camara to share. they are still there...working on their jedi mind trick.
then i looked at more poor jalepeno plant that is now dead, because randy turned off the sprinkler system off before he went on tour. i didn't know that. so anyways, i looked and out of this dead plant is a jalepeno growing all on it's lonesome. i can't believe it. i'm so proud of it.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

how time flies...

i decided today, to go on the hunt for something that my sister and i had growing up. it was this amazing beef jerky made with red pepper flakes on them. We would ride our bikes down to a store by our house and grab a stick of it for .99 and a dr. pepper. if we were lucky, we'd get some m&m's too, but we didn't usually have enough change. it was the PERFECT beef jerky. haven't had it in a long time. i was thinking earlier today that it had only been 10 years since i lived there, until i was was reminded ever so gently, that i'm not 22, but almost 32... guess that's what friends are for.
so anyways, i drive by our old house that we grew up in. it has changed so much. i was really sentimental, since that is the house we lived in when my dad got cancer. there are still things there that he built and somethings that are gone, but a lot of memories flooded back and i drove on. i pull up to the store where we'd pass every day going on a family walk, where Randy taught me how to drive, and we're my sis and i would go every summer for our treat. IT'S NO LONGER A STORE! i felt so sad.

it's just beef jerky, but for me it was a connection to my past and i was really craving holding on to a little bit of it for a day. so i took a deep breath and got back into the truck. my next mission, buy randy a meal from a restaurant that i guess doesn't carry what they show on commercials. i won't mention the name of the place, but for the second time today, i was defeated.

i guess when you grow up, you have to let go of the past, as trivial as it may be and find new things to fall in love with. there are times that i would like to go back to that old house we grew up in, see my friends that grew up there with me and have now passed away, go back before my dad had cancer and sit on my bed and eat beef jerky and dr. pepper with my sister, but then i wouldn't have my life that i do now, and share the things i do with my family and good friends. i am now looking forward to finding out what it is that my kids will look back on with fond memories (and buy up a lot of stock in it so i can give it to them when they get older).

whether it is a glass of wine with your loved one, an ice cream cone with your kids, or just a cup of coffee with your mom, enjoy every moment that you have with them, because time does move on and we can't hold on to it forever outside of our hearts.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

it's been awhile, sorry

hey guys. finally a day off. no running kids to school, no hospital visits, or houses to clean. Randy's home playing games with the kids, watching it rain, and he couldn't be happier. Last week he finished his last week-long bout in the hospital. He still has 2 more, 1 day treatments. One right before Thanksgiving and his last one right after our vacation. It's has been such a long year, but leaving the hospital at 11pm on saturday night, all of his nurses surrounded us (including Roxy) and hugged and said their goodbyes. They all know he won't be back to visit. Most people rarely do when their done. It's just not a good reminder of time spent somewhere. All of his nurses were incredible! They made things as comfortable for all of us as they could, and even spoiled the kids with ice cream when i wasn't looking. I just laughed when they thought i would be mad...

Life has some new turns to make. It seems like we have been going in circles for the last few years, but God has used this cancer thing as a way of creating change in Randy. He is finally going to persue a music career full time, and learn how to be a "better drummer". I think he's the greatest already, but practice never hurt anyone. The kids are copeing as best as they can and growing up rather quickly. Gillian's moving into her own room this weekend. Conor is devistated but it will be something that will help him grow into the great young man he's becoming. Not too many changes for me right now, but i'm ok with that. Someone has to keep the roof on the house.

I'm going to sit back today and just soak in the calmness, the rain and homecooking. Maybe even read a book. God bless the Veterens and their families, and thank you for your love.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

it's been a whole year.

one year ago today was the day our lives were changed. it was the day that the word cancer entered into our lives yet again. talking to him tonight made me remember all that we have endured this last year. so many ups and downs. it's so cool to be looking forward to his arrival home after being out on tour again. it's hard to imagine him drumming again, the way he used to, and even better after seeing him so sick for so long.

let's just hope that these last 3 treatments put him into remission.
what a difference a year makes:
5 minutes BEFORE we
found out he had cancer

after the tumor was removed
trying to escape
keeping things as normal as
possible by doing homework
with dad
having to shave his head
a bad chemo day


"suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, character produces hope and hope does not disappoint us because of the love that God has poured out into us through the Holy Spirit." Romans 5: 3-5

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I'll keep this short

Randy's on tour and doing well.
He will continue with his chemo as soon as he gets back.
He has 3 more treatments left.

Kids are doing great.
Trashing the house as i write.
Supposed to be getting ready for school.

Only 2 fallen trees here.
Missed our fence, but hit our neighbors.

That's about it.
Have a good one...

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Tour season is upon us again...

Randy leaves tomorrow at noon to head to D.C. for their first show since the Cascade show last October. It has been almost a year since he was diagnosed with cancer. I remember him putting off his surgery, (before we KNEW he had cancer), just so that he could play in Redding. Little did we know, they would have to put off a whole year's worth of touring. A lot of changes have happened in the band this year:

1. Jon Young quit the band
2. Randy went through 14 rounds of chemo
3. Jeremy and Meghan have conceived a baby girl, due in 2 months
4. John Scholfield quit the band
5. I gained 20 pounds!!!
6. We've seen miracles happen almost daily. well maybe weekly, but certainly enough to rejoice daily

It's weird to embrace change, but that's what we have to do. Just take it. Pray over it, then go head strong into the future with our heads held high, and out hearts in God's hands.

I am so thankful to all of our friends, acquaintances, prayer warriors, gift givers, RENT SUPPLIERS... without you guys, this year would have been impossible. We received meals for 4 months (hence most of the 20 pounds i gained. What? it was really good food!)
Our rent was paid for a whole year. Our living expenses too. I've always had a shoulder to cry on, friends to laugh with, and our health. NO ONE GOT SICK THIS YEAR! not one cold or flu. There are some of you, you know who you are, that have given me more than i deserve as far as support and love. Thank you.

so he's leaving in just over 12 hours. i need to go to bed so I'm not an emotional train wreck tomorrow. good night!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Inspiration part 2

I have to admit, and did to Randy, that i was super nervous about yesterday. I know my mom and a couple of friends know too, but i was so worried that yesterday just wouldn't work out. I mean, it's been a year since Randy's really played, much less performed in front of anybody. Plus it wasn't the Myriad, just him playing to Sting, with a sound system that was set up by their new tour manager that i didn't know, giving a speech to the kids which he never does, and in front of our kids WHOLE school. if it went bad, it would be BAD for the kids. BUT... it couldn't have gone better.

First, i have to give kuddos out to Daniel, Jeff and Jed. They showed up with a rocking sound system and everything that Randy needed to sound good. Set up everything (with Gillian's help), and made him sound as fantastic as he possible could in a school cafeteria. The guys will be in good hands on tour with Daniel at the helm. Second, Randy showed just as much enthusiasm as ever and you could tell he was so very happy to be back on his thrown. Third... he was the best speaker i have ever listened to, talking to a group of school kids. (he didn't say "don't do drugs and stay in school") The kids LOVED him. The teachers and principal loved him. Even the cafeteria workers were smiling. Now that's a rare occurrence.

With a week to go til tour, randy shook off the rust that settled in, put that big smile back on his face and has the courage it takes to play in front of hundreds of people, even without his "rock and roll hair". I do see a future for him touring as a speaker in the off Myriad seasons. I feel bad for not having faith in him like i usually do. Sorry Randy... but GOOD JOB!!!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Inspirational speaker?

On Friday, well, tomorrow, Randy is going to be speaking at our kids school about drumming, and music in general. Last fall, before he got sick, Gillian "shared" her dad in class and it turned into something a little bigger than he expected. They asked him to come back this year for an all school assembly. He so excited. Of course he can't do anything small, so it's going to be a fun 1/2 hour for the kids. Gillian's sooo excited. Conor is too, I'm sure, he's just so darn quiet. It's at 8:30 if any of you guys can make it. It'll be in the gym at Shasta Meadows. you should probably bring ear plugs...

Monday, September 7, 2009

Time to relax

Bubble baths make all things better. Until this week, I've only taken a bubble bath once in the last few years. Not sure why. So last night, i lit some candles, turned up some relaxing music and had a glass of wine, and just soaked until the bubbles were gone. All my cares seemed to fade away, then I cuddled up and went to sleep. I woke up to dogs barking at midnight, but I at least got a couple hours of peace. I'll take it.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

oh my goodness

i have the privilege of taking care of a beautiful 17 month, baby girl this week. we are really enjoying her so much. we got into a great routine with school, homework, dinners baths etc... trying to accommodate a toddler in a non-baby proofed home, and then we got a call from the dr. saying that randy had to go back in for chemo this week. we thought it was next week. so on top of working a lot, and detentions, and a sick boy, and trying to get into the swing of school and new teachers, and using "mommy muscles" i haven't used in years, i am running up to the hospital 2 times a day to take randy food and make him feel loved. trying to make sure i'm spending as much time as i can to make my kids feel loved. and all the while wanting my way. i figured out this week that's not possible. i think i'm going to go on a little mini vacation this month between chemo cycles, and BEFORE randy goes in tour. i am about to loose my mind. i do not regret keeping the baby, only that it fell on chemo week. (i have a feeling that the baby's getting sick though, shhhh) wouldn't that be nice, ugh. i brought this all on myself i suppose. i think God's trying to see how far i can stretch without breaking. crying helps. crying and cleaning. the worst part is, the more i clean, more messes keep appearing. stains on the carpet (i'm also keeping their dog too) so i keep cleaning. cleaning and crying... i think i need a nice big hug, a pedicure and some loud music without interruption. i hate turning down the radio to answer a question that usually has something to do with some odd ball trivial thing that is important to an 8 year old, so it should be important to me. (did i mention that i want things my way right now?) enough venting. time to tuck in the kids and clean up the house. again.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

End of the summer BBQ

we found a pearl in an oyster:

...end of discussion.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Fun times

Randy and I decided to head to my sister's house, last minute on friday. It's amazing what a difference in temperature there is between there and here. They are so acclimated to 60-70 degree weather, that when her and i went on a walk, i had a sweatshirt and red nose, and she was stripping down to a t-shirt and shorts. The first night, Aaron had to get me a heater because i was shivering in bed. The next day it got a little hot though. maybe 80. WHATEVER! they get that year round. I wouldn't give up our sunshiny swim days for nothing though.

The first night, we went on a sunset walk and picked blackberries. It was blissful. I wish you could see the fields of green grass, horses, cows and the mountain of redwoods in the background. With the sunset behind it and a little fog mixed in, it was breathtaking. The second day, i was "forced" to make a blackberry pie. We cooked and shopped and laughed. Went to a cheese factory, but forgot and left it at her house along with Gillian's school stuff. (Lorra, can you bring it with you next weekend?) The guys worked in the man cave pulling parts off an engine that will now occupy our boat. (I am a little worried about how fast that thing is going to go next summer). The kids played games for just a little while, but mostly played out in the ACRES of apple trees and creeks. We had a great time. But back to reality. It's good to have somewhere to escape to, to get some perspective.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Pizza night

So there's always talks between people about where to get the best pizza. Round Table seems to come out on top, but i have to say, i LOVE Winco's take-n-bake. There's something about their sauce that takes me back to my childhood. So we found out a little while ago, that they sell their dough and sauce so you can make your own. That works great for us, since all of us like different kinds, so we have "make you own pizza night". (I still think mines the best). I love to have fresh mozzarella cheese and homegrown basil and tomato's. Earthy, artisan style. Plus olives mushrooms and onions. YUMMY!

Monday, August 17, 2009

First day of school!

New clothes, backpacks and shoes. Time to pack lunches, (which i made last night, thank you very much) and get up early, UGH. I'll have quiet time during the day. I can go back to bed after dropping them off at school. Exercise without interruption. Have coffee with friends. This all leads up to one very important fact: FALL IS COMING!!! Happiness is just around the corner for me. I so look forward to cooler days, longer nights, and long sleeves. There's nothing better than cuddling under a blanket, looking at the stars, or lighting candles and having a nice dinner. It's harder to do these things in summer, because it's too light out for too long. I am in my best moods from September til January.

I think to celebrate today, we will go back to bed after we meet the kids' teachers, and hug a few friends we haven't seen in 2 months. This pic makes me laugh. This is their true feelings about school shining through.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

oh what a night!

we headed out for a date night on the lake tonight. my mom had the kids. i packed dinner. randy prepared the boat. we grabbed some sweatshirts and some starbucks and off we went. 6 o'clock, billowy clouds, 75 degrees, nice. 6:30, dinner time, really cloudy, music on, happiness. 7pm, uh oh... rain's coming, let's head back. 7:10 really raining, stop right here under the bridge, can't make it back to dock since rain is stinging our faces. turn up radio, sit under bridge and watch it rain. 7:40 rain's gone, let's putt around the lake and watch the sunset. 8:15ish, sun sets. clouds come back. let's start heading back. 8:16... engine dies. crap! rain comes, again. trying to keep engine running. trying... trying. slow progress. still raining. 8:45 FINALLY make it back to "no wake zone", engine starts. HA! thanks!!! load up the boat. head home. get to mom's. conor has a migraine. throws up on way home. awesome. no more date nights for awhile.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I learned a couple of things today:

1. Conor does NOT like to go fast on the boat...
2. ... unless he's driving.
3. When it's been 12 years since you've knee boarded or tubed, take it easy.
4. LEAN BACK! if not, you WILL do a face plant. At this point, you will remember all that you forgot over the years.

We had a blast today, speeding around Whisleytown, blaring my favorite mix cd, labeled "Jan 2009". This is the 2nd time we got to take the boat out, and are still working out the bugs. The kids and Rox are getting better at being on the boat. I'm remembering what muscles HURT after a day on the lake. Love being in the sun. Love being with my family. I finally LOVE loVE LOve summer. Looking forward to next week with some good friends and more good times to be had.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Randy's new toy

He has wanted a jet boat since he was Conor's age. He helped HIS father shine the heads and buff out the chrome on his boat growing up. Now he has one of his very own and it didn't cost him a dime. It was a strait trade for his motorcycle. I'm so excited to have that thing gone, because it was way too fast and WAY too dangerous. Plus this is something we can all enjoy as a family and have our friends out. It will take some work, and some new paint, but it's in great shape and runs great! We hope to take it out tomorrow. Roxy, our dog, of course has to go and needed a life jacket since she can't swim, so enjoy the pics:

Friday, July 24, 2009

Randy update

Not much has changed really, except for his chemo schedule. He used to go in for 2 different cycles, every three weeks. One cycle was for 3 days, the other for 5. He finished his 3 day cycle, and so they spilt up his 5 day cycle into 2 separate ones. From here on out, he will go in for 5 days, then 1 day three weeks later. The 1 day will be outpatient. :)

He is feeling very excited and is looking at this downhill battle with a smile on his face. He WILL get to go on a small tour with the guys in the fall. This is a very good thing. The dr. plans on sending him home on antibiotics to keep him from getting sick again. There's some peace there for me. Without them, I don't think I would be getting much sleep with him being home, with all the worry of him passing in his sleep like the dr. said could happen...

He will also have scans this week or the next, so we should know then. I'll keep you posted. thanks again for all your prayers.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Happy Sunday

All's I'm gonna say is: Banana stuffed french toast and brown sugar glazed bacon.
Bananas, brown sugar and butter, cooked, mixed with cream cheese and stuffed into french bread and baked. Thick cut bacon with a mixture of brown sugar, cayenne and black pepper... baked til crispy. Maple syrup. (possibly a tequila sunrise, i'm just saying, it might go well with it). YUMMY!!!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

girls night out...

... then back to reality.
i was introduced to "Italian margaritas". normal regular 'ol margaritas, with an amaretto floater. yummy! then i came home...

i had a blast with jen and her sis. appetizers, drinks, easy talk, we closed down Rivers. (although they close at ten, not like we stayed til 2am..) i had so much fun getting out. i could be myself without a care in the world with someone that i KNOW loves me more than the world. we all just chatted and laughed til we HAD to leave. although the bus boys let us stay 30 minutes later than closing. i was so happy. i still am, but i came home to the reality of my life. sterile gloves, groshongs, alcohol swabs, masks, and tape. it was time to change Randy's dressing and flush his tubes. I am laughing right now at the complete opposite life that i want, and the life i live. don't get me wrong. i adore my husband. i just wish that, at the age of 31, i didn't have to live the life of someone much older than i.

i know that right now, i am supposed to suffer. i don't ask "why", i just know i am supposed to be here right now. i am SOOOO thankful for my friends. they show me love. a Godly love. Kris, Meg, Jen, Chris and Cas, my mom... they all give me what i need. Love. if it wasn't for them being there for me, i wouldn't make it through this part in my life. Thank ya'll...
here's a couple pics of happiness:

Monday, July 13, 2009

my personal mission

i have decided to change who i am. i REALLY need to loose 20 pounds and i really want a tattoo. SOOOO i've decided to pay myself $5 for every pound i loose, then by the time i meet my physical goal, i'll be able to afford my tattoo. it shouldn't take more than an hour to get it done, so i think that i could keep it around $100. it would be REALLY cool to meet this goal by november for my birthday. it would finish up this time in our lives too, that i'm really excited to finish. (his chemo is supposed to be done right before my birthday). the tattoo that i'm getting is Romans 5: 3-5. look it up. it'll make sense. if you see me eating or drinking something i shouldn't, as my friends i commission you to kick me in my butt! i feel like God's calling me to ready myself to "be ready" when He does call me to fulfill His mission He has set aside for me. i'm not ready yet, but i will be soon...

Thursday, July 9, 2009

becoming a man

Conor is 10, ok? he needs to start doing things that make him more, well... manly. I think i have done him an injustice by making him his food while i expect Gillian to make her own. I am WAY too easy on him and i realized that when he started complaining that he was bored and tired. his dad will go out and pour concrete while going through chemo, yet his son sits on the couch and plays games. NOPE no more. he wanted to do chores so he can buy a cool "famas" air soft gun. i just killed 2 birds with one stone. i let him earn money and gave him a way to get what he wants while putting his money in savings. he still picked up dog poop and earned some money, but BUILT the gun with dad out of metal AND mowed the lawn. here's some pics:

Monday, July 6, 2009

Girls day out

Gillian has been getting lost in the shuffle with everything going on lately, and she has really been clingy. Yesterday it was obvious that I had to change my priority for her and it has paid off. I promised her a whole day alone with me. Her face lit up and she got really excited. So this morning I told her to get dressed, and we headed out to town for some distraction free fun. We started off with "Ice Age 3D". Totally cool effects. Next was Olive Garden, then a hair cut for her. Then we hit a store to buy a new poster (Twilight again), then came home. I think she got her fill since she has been at the neighbors the rest of the day. It's great to be able to meet HER needs for a day and fill her cup up. She needed to know that she never has to fight for my attention. She will always be my baby girl. Sitting next to her in the theater with our goofy 3D glasses on was just what I needed to remember why I'm here. She needs a mom that will drop anything for her when she needs me. We all need to have someone like that in our lives no matter how old we get.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

oh randy...

friday was just about as eventful as i care to participate in EVER again. the day started off fine. we got up early and worked in the yard before it got too hot. later some friends came over to swim. randy was in his room drumming, getting ready to light the BBQ, when he started shaking. not in a seizure way, but like he was just dropped into the Bering sea and was in the water for 5 minutes, can't catch your breath way. well let me back up. 45 minutes before that, he had to go get his "line" flushed because there was blood in it. they said it was no big deal, so then he came home and 45 minutes later started shaking. 

so he went and covered up in bed, trying to get warm. i took his temp, it was fine at the moment. all i could think of is maybe he had a blood clot and they just loosened it and now it's in his heart. i start crying, but if you know me, usually i handle things first and i don't cry until it's all over. i had a house full of people, thank goodness they were all good friends, i walked out sobbing told everyone to get out and said we're going to the E.R.

 our friend Mike realized i can't drive so he threw us both in our truck and drove 85 miles an hour down 44, through the construction with the hazards blinking making people move, not that they all did, which is for another blog..." rules of the road!", but anyways, we got to the E.R. just to sit there with him shaking, starting to spike a fever, around a bunch of sick people and some guy with a tooth ache. ok, if you have a tooth ache, do you REALLY need to be in the er taking time away from little babies who need to be seen for extremely high fevers and guys with their legs half hanging off?!?!?! grrr. GO HOME AND TAKE TYLENOL! (breath)

 so they take his vitals, send him back out, with a mask and he sits there for 2 hours. he's getting worse and i want to scream. i decided to walk around the corner to the oncology unit, and started crying. his nurses hold me and said they are working on getting him a room. (i called them on our way to the hospital so they kicked people out of his room and got it ready. i LOVE his nurses!!!) they told me he is going to be fine and so i went back and waited another HOUR! oh, and by the way, my cell phone dies in the middle of this whole thing and there are people that i want to talk to and now can't get ahold of. 

so after an hour, i walk BACK down to talk to his nurses, and they were mad that E.R. hasn't even seen him yet. his dr called while i was standing there and was also mad. he told them to go GET him out of that germ infested hallway since he has no immune system to be found. she marched right down there and grabbed him from the nurse who was just finally getting around to checking him out. checked him into his room and immediately started antibiotics. i still had no idea what was going on. all i knew is that he was really sick, the kids and doggies were taking care of and i'm not leaving his side until i knew what the heck was going on. come to find out (the next morning) is that he was neutropenic and had an infection, meaning his white blood cells were at almost zero, and if we hadn't taken him in when we did, he would have died within hours, because of a bacterial infection. the dr. said that it's not like healthy people having germs all around us, with randy, it can actually kill him within hours, and if we don't do something about it, infection spreads like wildfire and there's no way of catching it.

he's doing great today. they controlled his nausea and fever. they are getting his white blood cell count up with painful injections, and he should be able to come home soon. i plan on bleaching the whole house today, furniture and all. i don't care. bleach is going into the carpet shampooer, in the dish water, toilets, etc... if you have an aversion to bleach, don't come over. actually, he won't be able to have company this week. no more taking for granted his immune system, no matter how tough he feels. i'm back to being the hand sanitizer Nazi that i was in the beginning.

Friday, June 26, 2009


2 things...
All that Gillian has been singing since the day that i have been battling with finding my "joy" is "trading my sorrows". the lyrics are great. God has always used her to keep me close to God.

Then Conor just walked out of his room with EVERY piece of his Nerf guns put together and somehow made into this... thing that is huge. he could barely lift it. The look on his face was priceless. he was so proud. i love Nerf for making everything interchangeable. aliens beware...

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


there are times in life that you look around when you feel like you have nothing and find joy in the things you do have. we have always been good at that. we have been broke before and still managed to have fun with whatever we had, and know that better times would come. we would eat ramen, cuddle around the tv (if it wasn't shut off), and just enjoy each other's company. we always had our health, so that was something to be thankful for. i have to say, these last 6 months have stripped us of so much, including randy's health and it's getting harder and harder to find joy in the things around us. yesterday, randy asked me if i thought there were times in life that we may just not have joy, and maybe God is teaching us to be ok with that. i'm starting to wonder. i have always been the encourager for randy, since he was for everyone else, but it is really hard on days like these to look over at him, when he looks very frail, and tell him to find joy in something. tv, books, this house, pool, food... all the things that used to bring him joy have no meaning right now. it's contagious too. i have had enough of just laying there watching tv, or reading, i don't like to swim alone, food just makes you gain weight, so why bother since that's another battle i'm fighting. the kids still bring us joy, but they are so independent now, they are either at their friends house, or here with all of there friends. i feel like all i do is clean house do laundry and when i do stop, then i worry. i want to find joy again. i hate feeling like "what's the point?" this morning i woke up with an overwhelming feeling of sadness and i don't want to walk down that road of depression again, that's why i'm venting. maybe some of you guys who have been here can give us some ideas.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Hercules is finished...

It was 4 days of work, blood, sweat and tears.

Randy's sweat, my tears and Mikes blood. (don't ask)

When you see this bad boy in person, you'll see why it's called Hercules.
The BBQ that I bought Randy his first Father's day, finally broke. It was
Time for a new one. Good timing, just in time for Father's day again.
Randy built this thing from scratch. Tons of fun and metal and welding.

Looking forward to many BBQ's with all of you guys who read this.

Sunday, June 14, 2009


woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they kicked BUTT. championships...15 (ISH).
kobe's rings... 4
Phil Jackson (who I think is the best coach ever, since he also lead the Bulls to several championships) just earned his "X" hat, meaning 10! championships!!!, is the better coach, even though he has 3 more to go to beat an all time record, was AWSOME! WE'RE SO HAPPY!!!
GOTTA GO! yeehaw go cali!!!!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009


really bad. i am so lucky that i can't drive or else i would be consuming this yummy ice cold treat as we speak. i have never craved something so much in my life. what the heck is wrong with me. i should be focused on the fact that my laker's lost game 3 tonight, or that my kids haven't showered yet... all i want is a yummy cold chocolaty frosty with fries. HELP!!!

Monday, June 8, 2009


i found this random picture on my phone and thought i would share with you guys. Roxy loves her daddy. I wonder what she'll think when his hair grows back...?

Sunday, June 7, 2009

friends. thank God for friends!

when you hear the words " can i stand here with you", when you're crying and trying to make it through a worship service without trying to think of a way to escape and go home, but you sat too close to the front to duck out, so from now on it's the back of the bus for you baby, those words (made me cry even more) but made me feel like i wasn't completely alone. thank you Kristen for your strength and friendship. thank you for just standing there with me. thanks for not making me feel like all i am, is a wife of a cancer patient. thank you for putting yourself out there for me when i was having a hard day. i really appreciate it...

lots to blog about, but nothing super cool

i guess i have to go back to last weekend. Relay for Life was great. Gillian and i (and my mom) stayed for the whole 24 hrs and walked a big chunk of the time. all in all, we both walked/ran 11 miles and loved every moment of it, that was until we stopped and every muscle in our body hurt. i was not supposed to run. dr's orders... but did i listen, NO! and now i can hardly walk a week later. oh well. i'll have to be creative in my weight loss battle, since walking/jogging and elliptical are out.

the kids got awards this week for school. Gillian for "mathematician of the year" and conor for "perseverance". i do have pics i might post later. i don't want to walk to the truck to get my camera. (see part 1) their last day of school was thursday like everyone else i'd assume. so far they've gotten to look at the pool from the living room and watch the rain fall on it. FUN! they've been a LITTLE edgy about the whole thing. 2 days into summer and i'm already threatening summer school!!! at least they got a little break yesterday at a friends house playing a REALLY cool track game. it's way too addictive though and i might steal it from my kids if we got one, so maybe just leave it for a treat when we go visit.

i think all of you guys know i have taken a leave of absence from work. it's only until the fall when the kids go back to school. i hit a wall that i was afraid i wouldn't be able to come back from, so i decided to take a break before i completely melted down. i am now sleeping better, and spending more time with the family. i get to cook with randy, and WAS walking everyday. we'll see how long i have to wait for that. i'm just in coasting mode for right now. everything feels weird, but i think it's just because everything's in slow motion.

as far as randy goes, he's home until june 17th, and will hopefully be home for father's day. right now he's struggling with something called "neuropathy". it's caused by the last chemo drug they gave him called "vincristine". it effects his nerves at the base of his spinal chord and he feels pain with every heartbeat. it pretty much cripples him. he has to find some quiet happy place and just get through it. lamaze breathing enters in at the worst of it, and he just rocks back and forth. it's really hard to watch him go through it. it's a definite reminder that something's wrong with his body. well's he's up, gotta run...

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Allright, this is a 2 parter:

Part 1:
God is so good! We met with the Dr. this morning and she said, that in her professional opinion... the tumors that are in Randy's bone's are actually gone and that the spots that showed up on the last bone scan were actually his healthy bone tissue regenerating itself. Who in the world would have thought that it would actually repair itself?!?! The holes in his bones are fixing themselves. WOW! ok, so onto part 2

Part 2:
As a mom of a boy who loves video games, this is proof to all of you nay sayers out there who say that it makes them monsters. If any of ya'll know Randy and Conor, it's their "thing" to play games together. Conor grew up in a gamer house, and believe me, I've gotten A LOT of flack from other parents who say that it will turn them into little brats and make him spoiled, stupid, etc...well get this: In the car on the way to the hospital today he said, "You know what just clicked in my head, I mean I just realized this right now... games aren't as important as my family, friends or God. I need to spend more time focusing on that". So take THAT! He came to that conclusion all on his own. It's proof that even 10 year old boys can make the right choices even when it seems like all they think about is themselves and what they want. Then he wanted to do his homework in the hospital so that he had time to spend with his sister later... now i want to reward him with a video game. Funny, just like God, parents like to reward their children when they make the right choices. Here's a pic of how our life is at this moment, "Homework in the hospital":


Well, we're hopefully at the halfway point with chemo. He goes in for round 9 today. Of course it's not without added stress. Gillian came home from school throwing up (from the ibuprofen we gave her to get rid of the headache), and ended up with a fever/sore throat all day yesterday, and still has it. So now I get to figure out what to do with a sick kiddo while we go to his dr's appointment and then to the hospital. Which now of course means that Conor will probably get sick, and he has a huge book report due, and a camping trip this weekend with his boy scouts. Is he gonna get sick before and miss the trip, or after and I get to drive hours to go bring him home. PLUS I have Relay for Life this weekend. Randy was supposed to be home from chemo already, so he was going to have the dogs, and Gillian. Gillian can stay with me and my mom I suppose, but Roxy??? I doubt I can take her too. Who knows, maybe I'll get sick too and we'll all stay home and miss it all. Once again UGH!!!

I guess I asked for it in my last blog. I think I said pain is better than not feeling anything... hmmm.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

true feelings, or lack there of...

i woke up this morning wanting to enjoy the day. it's great weather, randy's back at work, kids are almost done at school, so i should feel overwhelmed with joy, right? in reality i woke up not able to feel a thing. i'm learning that your body has a defensive mechanism that actually numbs you from feeling anything if you push it all away for long enough. i have put up walls for so long when i feel the threat of pain coming on, that now i can't feel joy or pain. that's a crappy feeling. i would almost take pain if it meant i felt alive again. at least i know that when i feel pain and sorrow, God is there with me holding my hand. i want to feel SOMETHING again, something to tell me i'm alive. i guess my choice for today is just not to react. i won't go looking for hurt, i'm sure enough of it is on it's way. i do pray that God breaths some joy back into our life again. i promise to be on the lookout for the blessings He gives us daily. i know they are there, i just have to pull my head out of my butt long enough to see them. biggest lesson to myself: walls damage more than they protect...

Friday, May 15, 2009

i guess an update is in order

This week Randy went back to work. It's only temporary, but a huge step for him. It has been 6 months, maybe 7 months since this whole thing started, and he has finally gotten back on the horse. I know that concrete is not what he wants to do with his free time, but music isn't paying off yet, and it feels good for him to get out and stretch his legs. I know he's missed the guys too. They chose a small job to start with, just enough to keep the 2 of them busy without overextending him. He came home sick one day, but the home owner understood completely since he's gone through chemo himself. That actually cheered me up to see a cancer survivor...

So I've stayed busy with work, kids, and chillin out by the pool. There's something good about the sun, a cold drink and good book to cheer up. I still feel like life's out of control, but I'm starting to understand that it may NEVER change. What can you do but just go with it. As long as I get to spend quality time with my family, friends and God, I think I may just make it through the craziness. 12 more days of school! woohoo. I get my kids back and on MY schedule. No more getting up at 5:30. That'll help things.

Looking forward to a fun weekend. Plenty of time in the sun for sure. Let's see how much trouble I can get myself into....

Monday, May 4, 2009

time for change

i need change. i actually crave it. it is what makes me who i am. right now i feel like i'm being held under water because i can't change a darn thing in my life. NOTHING. randy's sick, can't change that. the kids are growing and moving into their preteen stage, can't change that. i can't seem to get ahead at work and bring in enough money to sustain us, i can't loose weight, keep the house clean for more than 2 minutes or even sleep through the night. i want to CHANGE ALL OF THAT, and i can't. i change my hair. big woop. i feel like God is calling me to change something in my life that's of meaning, but what? it's not like i can drop everything and go on a mission trip to india. i would LOVE that. i feel like God has created me to be somebody that i can't be in this lifetime.

i though for the longest time, (and found out recently that randy shares this idea) that i am a controlling person. that's not it! i don't want to be in control. i want the opposite. i want God in control in my life, which He is. i don't want to be the head of the household. that's not what i was created to do. our roles are so reversed right now and it's freaking me out. he stays home with the kids. gets them ready for school. is here to do their homework, and is doing a damn good job at it, while i go to work and bring home a fraction of what he did. i'm not created for this role. Randy with cancer, dealing with life, is still better than me on my best day, so that tells me i'm not living the life God has called me to. it's that cut and dry. i need to change something!!!

sorry to vent. i was told by a couple of people that i have been too vague about my feelings on my blogs, and they were right. they want to know what it's like to deal with life right now. well, here it is. it's not pretty, or fun most of the time, but we do our best to laugh when we can. there just seems to not be any room for fun right now...

some good new though. randy just finished his 8th cycle of chemo, so he's just about halfway through with his treatments. that's something to celebrate once he starts to feel better. i can't wait for this nightmare to be over.

we have amazing friends who love us. without you guys, we'd be a mess. thank you!!!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Relay for Life

this is a big deal to my family. we are doing this as a family. not only for Randy, but in memory of my father, and also for our friend Darryl Wagner, who was just recently diagnosed with a really bad type of cancer himself. i have teamed up with Burrito Bandito to walk the 24 hour relay for life on May 30th and 31st. i know that financial times are tough, but there are so many people recently that are getting cancer, and i for one want to see it stop. if you would like to join our efforts and sponsor me and my team, i would appreciate it. all of the money goes to cancer research to end this terrible, life altering disease. ( i know i sound like a t.v. spokesperson doing a commercial for hungry children, but i do feel very passionate about this cause, for obvious reasons). below is a link to my page. check it out, join our team or donate if you'd like. we would love to get all of Redding supporting this, since everyone is effected by cancer in one way or another...

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Just an update

Yucky cancer news:
We found out through his last PET scan than the tumors have quit shrinking. They are however starting to calcify, whatever that means. The bone lesions didn't show up on that scan, so we were hopeful that they have gone away, until yesterday. He had a more focused BONE scan that showed that they are still there. Let's just say, we weren't in the celebratory mood we thought we were going to be in. It was a littel shocking to be honest. It feels like 1 step forward, 2 steps back. This whole thing sucks!!! He is starting to drum again, and it helps to take out his frustrations. One side effect of that, if you've ever seen him play, is broken drum sticks. Lots of splinters all over our living room floor. So much for going bare foot in the house. So I'm thinking about setting up a drum stick fund (hahaha). I can't work enough to keep up with his habit.

That's all the news for now. He's continuing on with the endless rounds of chemo. Starting to get a tan on that bald head of his... And we are really enjoying the time that we get to spend together. OOOOOHHHH! if you are reading this and live in Redding, we are, well Amy Endecott has set up a prayer meeting at the Caldwell park this Saturday at 1pm. You can find us at the first parking lot as you turn in. Please come join us. I have a feeling that God is going to use His people to heal Randy, not chemo.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

my quote for the week

In Philippians 3, Paul tells us how he chose to live his life: “Forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (vv.13-14). It’s a perspective that speaks of moving on—of embracing what’s next. It is where we too must focus as we seek to be shaped into the image of the Savior while we look forward to eternity with Him. — Bill Crowder

read it and dwell on it. not your past mistakes, or even whats too far down the line to worry over. just think about what's next. stay focused on what you have.

Thursday, April 16, 2009



the last thing i planted, the most important plant to me, is sprouting!
my tomatos are going crazy, even after they were dropped and half broken on Easter. the jalepeno's are thriving, and everything else is kicking butt, and now, finally, i can breath, my habanero's are here. i couldn't find a seed packet for them so i bought a good looking pepper and harvested my own seeds and threw them in the dirt, and it worked. go figure, nature doing what nature does... i think next year, i will do the same with the veggies that taste the best, harvest the seeds from them instead of wasting money on seeds.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Surgery is complete and succesful

no follow up is required other than being on birth control for the rest of my childbearing years...

no more surgeries, or pain once i heal! it was pretty funny with both Randy an i being hooked up to iv's at the same time. here's a pic:
now i hope to heal fast and move the heck on with our lives.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


this may sound silly, but i wanted to know if i could use people's names in a book that i am writing. some of it consists of the blog, but parts of it is just from people that have helped us, loved us, and been there for us throughout all of this horrible time. i promise not to write anything that doesn't honor anyone, but i would like to be able to write freely about the people in our lives without having to change annie's name to "sandy" or the cable's names to "the smith's". i'm sure that anyone who reads it would know who i was talking about anyways, but i just need to know who's opposed and who's not. shoot me a quick o.k. or no thanks and let me know. if you don't, i will assume i can! hehehehe

and i am going to stand up right now and say i don't care about the nay sayers in my life who say i'm not gud enuf to writ a book. i'm not out to write the next best novel, this is just something God has asked me to do... take it up with Him.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

wow, what a week

Randy's family's here from L.A.....
It's been really nice to see his sister and others. We have had a family BBQ every night since they got here. I have smelled like a bonfire every night too, so showers have been my escape. I hate to smell like smoke, which is probably why I never picked up the habit.

Anyways, on top of all that, WE STARTED OUR GARDEN!!! I am super excited to finally have sprouts growing. We are going to have so many tomato plants this year, plus jalapenos, habaneros, sweet onions, chives, cantaloupe, sunflowers, lettuce, carrots, basil and cilantro. We cleaned out the planter box that was already here and added a drip system, plus added 2 more boxes on the other side of the house. The yard is Easter ready as Randy has pruned everything in the back and planted 2 palms (on sale @ Home Depot for $8.96) and some ivy. We have really enjoyed this time together listening to music and working together. Cancer or not, he kicked butt. He felt really defeated yesterday though. He has been working really hard for someone going through chemo, but he is still hard on himself. He's not quite able to do as much at once as he used to. To quote Jeremy, "Randy having chemo, makes him equal to everyone else now". (meaning, he used to work circles around everyone before he got sick, now he just works at the same pace as them...) That undoubtedly isn't good enough for him, and of course he pushed himself pretty hard, but the job got done, and now he can take a break.

He goes back in for round 7 of chemo on Friday. This is another week long cycle, and then I go in for my procedure on Monday. I do have a big favor to ask, but I will save that for another blog session. Thanks for all of your support and love. It means more than we can say.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Randy update...

as per a friends request, an update is in order. He's doing REALLY well. his blood counts are going up, his sniffles are still there but not as bad. he even mowed the lawn today. woohoo! the prayers are working. thank you.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Prayer request for Randy

He had blood work done yesterday that showed his red blood count was low and his white blood cell count was even lower. That's what helps him fight off illness. They haven't been this low until now. Yesterday, he started having all over nerve pain and his bones were aching. Last night, he didn't sleep well at all and his sinuses are killing him. Hopefully it's just allergies, but if he starts getting a cough or more body aches, he will have to to into the hospital to hopefully keep whatever he has from going into pneumonia. This is the first time i have been scared throughout all of this. I'm trying to keep my anxiety from him, but he is so stubborn that i'm afraid he will keep his sickness from me in order to tough it out. Even his Dr. gets frustrated with him.

He has another blood test today, but that won't do much other than say his counts are up or down. He won't run a fever even if he's sick because his WBC is so low. Fever's are GOOD!!! It's our body's natural defense. It means you fighters are fighting. He doesn't have any, maybe 2...
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pray he gets healthy!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Castle Lake... again

This time we had so much snow and it was so cold the lake was frozen over, people were ice fishing and we ate our picnic ON the lake. what a nice treat. Gotta love the "artic fox" doggie.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

spring time

i am so happy. even with everything going on. i love to smell the sweet blooms, enjoy little sun kisses and plan a garden... who am i kidding?!?! the blooms around my house have that bitter smell, i would never refer to sun burns on my kids faces as "sun kisses" and i haven't had a garden since i've been married. i am happy though. i DO enjoy the bright colored blooms, the smell of sunblock, and am REALLLLLLLY looking forward to putting in a salsa garden this year. it will happen.

i am officially working from home now. i couldn't be happier. talking the kids to school in slippers instead of heels, making lunch myself instead of whatever unhealthy thing looks good at 11am. planting a garden, taking care of and spending time with Randy, being here with a plate of cookies for the kids when they get off the bus... yes i am that mom. i am looking forward to all of the new possiblities that await me at home and around redding when i do step out and do sales. life is good for now. gonna go cuddle witht he family until i have to go to work the home show...

Monday, March 23, 2009


i guess medi-cal is going to continue to be a pain in my butt for the rest of my life. just got off the phone with my wonderful dr. i am so thankful to have him in our lives. he cares. more than most dr's it seems. well, i guess all of the dr's in our lives care because God has put them there, and they are ALL good to us, but anyways, he just called and told me that the hysterectomy will have to wait, because we have to do a T.A.R. once this surury is over, and hope that medi-cal will allow one. so as it sits, Dr. Perry will open me up, and if it's bad, he will wake me up and we will schedule a hysterectomy for 2 weeks from now. if it's not too bad, we can wait a couple of months. it will be done within this year though. it's all God's timing. can we all say PRIVATE INSURANCE!?!?!? (i'm not being ungrateful, just frustrated that they are willing to pay for 2 surgeries instead of one, makes PERFECT sense to me).

so i have 1 month for God to allow me to miraculously get pregnant. uuummm.... no! never mind. my name's not mary. anyone who reads this, feel free to laugh.

Saturday, March 21, 2009


The pinewood derby is over, "cookies" are made, Randy's settled into the hospital, our house is generally clean, twilight the movie is finally out and purchased... sheets are washed, Conor's reading, Gillian's doing her laundry. It is Saturday afternoon and I am sitting in front of my computer with a FRESH cup of coffee, and I can breath a sigh of relief for today at least. Tomorrow always seems to bring its own set of problems, but I think for today, it's all handled.

I spent the better part of last night, not sleeping, but trying to relax myself enough to doze off. My mind was fine, it was my body. I am really looking forward to having my surgery so I can put all of this behind me. Endometriosis has crept into so many parts of my body, making me feel like I am going out of my mind, and trying its best to take me out. I have prayed to God to take this from me without having to have a hysterectomy, because it seemed too much to deal with, with everything else going on, but He showed me this is the time to do it. My mom will be with me the whole time, but Randy won't. We'll both overlap each other in the hospital. But as a friend told me, "will you really want to have another child, under any circumstance, in the next 5 years?" The answer is no, under ANY circumstance. I have 2 beautiful babies to raise, a husband to love and take care of, and a body to get back into shape. There was more to that conversation, but i will leave it at that, and acknowledge that it helped me to make one of the hardest choices of my life. God gave me total peace about that last night, then my body relaxed and i drifted off to sleep.

Yeah haw!!!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

laser tag, car exaust and 10 year old boys

... let me tell you, the smell in my truck was oh so manly.

was it worth it? heck yeah! laser tag is so much fun. all the kids and "big kids" had fun. everyone got super sweaty, some cooled off by driving go-carts, and ended up smelling like a trucker, and then there's the mixture of 3 boys who might start including deodorant in their daily routine, all mixed into one overwhelming smell in my truck. i have never enjoyed a kids birthday as much as conor's last night. then there was the sugar rush at the end of the night with ice cream, and a sour candy contest, and video games. REALLY GOOD TIMES!
i think for gillian's birthday, i posted a pic of her as a baby, so i feel the need to extend that love for conor, so here ya go:
i think this is the last time i can post a pic of him.... hahahaha. i do miss this age. Happy birthday Conor!

Friday, March 13, 2009

100th blog

i'm glad that could be my title, because i couldn't think of anything else to use...
i'm sorry for not writing much lately. i felt the need to pull away for a little while and just think. i have had some major alone time lately as well, which has helped my spirit to heal some. i'm very thankful for that time. unfortunately i've been in a lot of pain physically, so it's hard to enjoy it, but learning to separate my mind from the pain has boosted my self control and helped me to focus on God and not me and my little world. things are all back in perspective, our trials of this earth, pain, disease, mistakes, hard work... they are all a part of what makes us who we are and are all designed to keep us close to God. He will allow some things to happen in order to keep us focused on Him.

while i was on my little mini-retreat, someone commented to me that "pain and suffering is proof that your God doesn't exist. if he loved you he would keep you from harm... as a mom, don't you try to keep your child from getting hurt?" my reply was simply this, " i enjoy the times that they do get hurt or sick since that's the only time i get to hold them". i walked away with my coffee in hand, and thought to myself, it's a good thing that God gave us fathers or we probably wouldn't ever get hurt, therefore never grow and learn. it's a mental picture for me of how God is a complete package: the all knowing father who helps grow us and forges us, and the gentle hands that hold us when we hurt.

this week, randy had the blessing of having "the talk" with the kids, plus more self defense moves. two very long and energetic conversations that i was not involved in. at first i felt the urge to come in and sensor what he was saying. then i felt realized that i was in too much physical pain to move (a pre-determined move by God?) so i just sat there and talked to God. He made me realize how lucky i was to have him here to have that talk, from the man's perspective. We need both people. i can't teach them choke holds and how to throw the best punch, or even why men do what they do. i wouldn't have to courage to have "the talk" with them yet, but i will have the open arms to hold them when they get hurt both physically and emotionally. i am thankful to have had that in my life.

there are people who come in and out of your life that God uses to forge you. and then there are the keepers. the ones who you can cling to when you're broken. the ones you celebrate victories with, vacation with, pray with. I HAVE THAT!!! thank you God for that. thank you for the love of a forgiving Father, for family and friends, and for the promise of eternity, even when we don't deserve it. it is during those times of trial that we yearn for heaven. if i forget that during the good times, then i pray that He reminds me what my focus should be, even if it means a little more pain right now. this is only temporary. His love is forever.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

and i quote:

"what cancer cannot take from you"

"It connot take away your faith,
shatter your hope or lessen your love.
It cannot destroy true friendship,
invade the soul or take away eternal life.
It cannot conquer your spirit."
(this was sent to us from a friend, in the form of a magnet)

with a broken heart, i write this...
as he set across from a little girl the same age as our daughter at Solace Cancer Care,
"with a beautiful hat on, a vetran, as the nurses say, with her bag of goodies and mom at her side, randy was THANKFUL for it to be him sitting there instead of his kids or me..."
this morning i was in the shower thinking to myself what cancer DOES take away from you:
~scout meetings with your son
~tea parties with your daughter
~walks on the beach with your wife
~your strength, hair, ability to eat, sleep, excersise, ability to dream about the future.....
we just got our kids to the age where we can ENJOY our marriage. that's what cancer takes away from you.
this blog is so painful for me to write. how i wish it was me to be in his shoes, or slippers as the case may be. how is it that God uses the HOLY to grow the unworthy? why does God choose to talk to us during our brokenness. BROKEN LEG OF THE LAMB! i get it!!!! at least Jesus is carrying me like that sweet little lamb that he carried in the lovely pic of him and the lamb. if you don't go to the stirring, listen to the blog from last Sunday....

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

long day

i'm going to bed. tomorrow, i work, but then the next day, well, i work too, but soon and for a couple of days, i will rest.
one side note: SERIOUSLY! if i have to work from home anymore, i refuse to do it without whatever cool chair that i have at the office. i am spoiled. i admit it. now to see if i can find somebody who sells them... hmmm.

Monday, March 2, 2009

the belly of the whale...

is LONELY!!! part of me wants to quit going to church. (not really) but it seems like whatever Nate says, happens. am i the only stubborn one who is fighting God's plan?!?! it sure as heck feels like it. it would help if i could at least curl up in the darkness and go to sleep, but no, nope, no way in the world is that gonna happen in this lifetime. i hate being alone, stressed out, overly committed... cancer sucks, chores suck, dieting, smiling to put people at ease.... sucks! for this week at least, i'm putting my head down and barreling through whatever needs to be done for my household and work. that's it. don't be offended if i tell you no, it's for my own well being, and for the kids and poor dog that i was a little too rough to when i got home today. sorry roxy. there is that term "kicking the dog". well, she didn't get kicked, just dropped flat on her back. oops. i picked her up and kissed her and fought back the tears. time to move on to something else. let's see what's next tonight.. cookies for boy scouts, drop said boy scout with cookies to his meeting, go to target to get a gift for a bday party tonight, oh yeah, birthday party @ 7:30 which i will be late to, then pick out kids clothes for picture day tomorrow which i just found out about tonight. AWESOME! get to work from 7 am to 7 pm tomorrow night. it'll all be worth it huh? all of this and i SHOULD be home taking care of my sick husband. no matter what, i loose.

i'm done ranting. have a good one!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

no title

i do want to thank EVERYONE who has provided us meals over the last few months. if i still have a dish of yours, feel free to call me and i will get it to you. call the stirring, and they will give you my cell number. i am excited to start cooking again though. that's where my creativity comes out. i LOVE to cook, and have really missed it. i certainly haven't been up to it though, so these meals have been a real blessing. We are going to be starting a new family diet to get us and keep us healthy. we've been doing a lot of research into what helps to grow cancer cells, since we ALL have cancer cells in us. that's for another blog, but i am excited to eat as clean as we possibly can. it means lots more raw fruits and veggies. as "whole foodish" as we can get. limit take out and red meat, and drinking LOTS and LOTS of water. hopefully we will see a change in our appearance and immune system. no more beer, since it's loaded with sugar. ONE glass of red wine as recommended, and NO MORE WHITE BREAD FOR RANDY!!! ha! we'll see. he's motivated though to not have to go through anymore chemo than is necessary.

this is turning into a book, so i will just say goodnight for now. love you guys!

Thursday, February 26, 2009


geeeeze. late night dinner. trying to entice my husband to eat. (he gave up on it all after yesterday's meeting with the dr.) picture it:
serloin cut thin and pounded out and tenderized to the width of a tortilla, then put a little soy sauce, mushrooms, shallots and GORGONZOLLA cheese on it with LOTS of pepper and garlic, roll it up, and sear to a golden brown. cut into slices and serve with garlicy cheezzzy fries... wow!!! plus a "lite" beer on the side.

THIS is why i am going on a diet...
i still have some left over if anyone is hungry...

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

short version...

i'm fried so i won't go over all of the details from our stanford trip, but generally speaking, things are good. tumors are shrinking, more chemo ahead, much more chemo, but this is where prayer comes in. pray that 1) he gets into remission sooner than later, and 2) that he doesn't get immune to the chemo. that would be bad. i keep forgetting the gravity of all of this until we visit Dr. Jacobs. i will certainly be more informational tomorrow.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

breath... breath... breath

yeah, randy just commented on the fact that i had to walk my bike A LITTLE WAYS up the hill... hold, on... i'm too tired to type..... whew...

anyways. so far so good. breakfast and mimosa's at corbetts. yummy. maybe that's why i was too tired to ride all the way back. or it could have been the couple of games of basketball that we played at the park. not sure, but i DO love family days. all three dogs, both kids and the hubby at the park. fun!!! we get to go to my mom's for brats and sauerkraut tonight. then girls night out. i'm beside myself with excitement. where's my water bottle?

ooo, it's been almost a week. sorry

there's not too much to talk about, but we do have a couple of things on the horizon.
first, it's been a pretty good week. i had a couple of good days, as opposed to being stressed out the WHOLE time. i was able to get my mind off of life for a little while. PLUS, i ran into a good friend from high school. looking forward to catching up someday soon.

as far as next week goes, we are heading down to stanford tuesday night. he meets with his main oncologist on wednesday to go over the next round of treatment. we're pretty sure that he still has to finish 5 more rounds of chemo, but i'm crossing my fingers that we can move on to radiation and be closer to ending this nightmare. he had a PET and CT scan yesterday, which was his second one since he started chemo. if you remember, the last time they saw that the tumors were shrinking. i hold out hope that it comes back SPOTLESS this time. our God IS that good ya know...

i guess that's about it. oh wait, one more prayer request... a friends little girl could use some prayer. i'm not going to go into details, but she has been having a reoccurring issue, and it's about time to heal and not have to deal with it anymore. it's not life threatening, but certainly a pain in the butt to have to keep dealing with. not to mention really uncomfortable for her. that's the worst part. not being able to take it away from her! grrr. anyways, just lift her up whenever you pray for us. she means just as much to us as she would if she were family...

hope you guys have a great weekend.

Sunday, February 15, 2009


i'm not talking campbells soup. it may be a great day for soup, since it's rainy and cold, but i stepped it up a bit with homemade queso dip consisting of velveeta, el pato and 1/2 a jar of jalapenos. followed up with a cocktail of maker's mark and diet cherry pepsi. and for dinner: pork roast seared in a skillet with chipoltle seasoning, deglazed with dos xx and slow cooked in verde salsa, then shredded and topped with tillamook cheese wrapped in a warm tortilla with cilantro, jalapenos and some chopped onions, and fresh black beans cooked with lots of garlic and beef broth. it is SOOOO nice to cook again. i still have another day off. what in the world am i going to do with myself??? oh, yeah.... eat leftovers, with a fresh cocktail of course. care to join us?

Saturday, February 14, 2009


Happy Valentines day! So far, i've watched 2 love stories with my daughter, explaining to her when NOT to believe everything boys tell her. She has a good grasp on love and how important it is to wait for the man God sends her way. I got a kiss from my son, which i now realize is only going to happen once a year, since he's a ...boy, and is embarrassed. AND received tulips from Randy. AND he brought home fire starter and made a fire, AND we get to have dinner tonight with Jer and Meg. So far, the best Valentines day EVER!

Friday, February 13, 2009

what a weird day

first it was weird not going to work. i took the kids to school, then went back to bed for a couple of hours. woke up. realized that my brother was gone without having fresh coffee. felt like a bad hostess. watched food network all morning with randy, in our pj's. good times. had a really yummy lunch with aaron and randy. watched more food network. made butter with gillian. had to give up the tv to the boys for video games. had an amazing "themed" dinner dropped off tonight, thanks angie and chad. ( they got us what we had to eat on our first date, plus we got to share with the kids how we met and fell in love) watched more food network. learned how hard it is to make sculptures out of only chocolate, in florida, with major humidity and heat... (like you guys care) visited with darin for about an hour. nice to catch up. now, i get to watch more food network until i pass out on the couch while contemplating the next couple of weeks we have ahead of us. details to follow another day. have a great friday night.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

State of the Union

frustration. anger. sadness. rejection. pills. cookies. valentines day. dieting. apples to apples.

FRUSTRATION: not being able to function, make choices, or move the heck on.
ANGER: not being able to make choices for your own life.
SADNESS: (see first sentence)
REJECTION: having your good friend tell you you're not there for them when they need you. and NO, if you're one of the few who reads this, I'm not talking about you) OUCH!!!
PILLS: I guess I'm talking about the ones my husband WON'T TAKE when I'm not home. I may be giving my resignation on Friday, if he can't start taking care of himself.
COOKIES: the ones I WON'T be making without gloves for my husband anymore since it soaks into your skin when you roll them into ball to cook them, and they make you high for a day and a half, and you make really bad choices that are out of your control...(sorry to my ONE friend who reads this)
VALENTINES DAY: I am actually looking forward to this year since we are joining some good friends for dinner at a REALLY good restaurant.
DIETING: I've lost 5 pounds. yeah for me! (and Randy)
APPLES TO APPLES: the game i just lost to my son...

There you have it folks. That's where the Miller's sit right now.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

7:30 p.m.

we finally got home. we are all so tired. what a long week, weekend, month...
tomorrow is randy's 38th birthday. at least he's going to be home to celebrate. looking forward to the week ahead. birthdays, rain - maybe snow (sorry chris), valentines day, more dr's appointments, more dieting... wait this was supposed to be things i'm looking forward to... i'll go back... birthdays.... chilly weather...that's about it. 2 out of 6 aint bad folks. now i'm going to give the kids hot cocoa, and read to them for awhile. goodnight.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

i need to clarify

when i posted before that the cancer was on randy's pancreas, i didn't mean it to sound like it was "pancreatic cancer". i am pretty sure that it is ON his pancreas not IN his pancreas therefor just making it another part of the cancer randy ALREADY had! thank you tommy for bringing this to my attention...

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

what's going on?

weird. we show up at randy's dr ON TIME and get hassled by the nurse for not being 15 minutes early. if you want us there early, schedule accordingly... but anyways, we are sitting there waiting for the dr. to come in, and i got super light headed, and started seeing stars. the back of my neck feels really tight, and i'm trying to focus on what randy's saying. so dr. collins comes in, starts talking to us, and a couple minutes later, I'M sitting on the stupid dr's table getting my blood pressure pulse etc checked. i still feel really weird. at least we got to come home for a couple of hours while they get his suite ready for him... maybe i'll be able to drive MYSELF home later.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

i thought laughter was the best medicine

not for me. maybe i'll get to the laughter portion today, but last night was the crying part. crying's not even the word. weeping would be better. unfortunately, it was in front of almost EVERYONE i know. minus only 2 people. i held in the tears when i was holding a beautiful 9 month old baby, wondering if my days of having another one of my own was over. held in the tears as i apologized to a sweet friend for judging her wrongly before i knew her personality. didn't cry when i was sitting there in almost the worst physical pain yet, but lost it when i looked over and saw randy asleep, covered up under a quilt looking like an honest to goodness cancer patient.

and i get to see these people again today with swollen eyes. nice.

i think all of these months of holding back my emotions, not dealing with it, caught up to me. i know it was good. i know i needed to finally deal with life, but can anyone tell me WHY it had to be in a room full of people?!?!? i'm so afraid to go to the Superbowl party today, simply because our Dr. was there last night, and will be there today, and he's probably going to have the strait jacket and people dressed in white coats waiting for me...

Saturday, January 31, 2009

i'm tired...

of pain...of the word MEDI-CAL...of money...people...laundry...cancer...weight and downs...
it's time for a change, and not the kind that our president is talking about. i mean REAL honest to goodness, work hard for, time for discipline... change.

starting today, i am focusing on others needs other than my own, trying to be more understanding and less negative, overlooking pain since mind over matter works better than any pain medication or shot of whiskey can do. i'm making sure every penny is spent on what God wants it to be spent on. I'm going to exercise and eat less, do a load of laundry each day... lots of changes.

i guess i am just 1 month behind a new years resolution, but at least i'm getting there.

Monday, January 26, 2009

and so it continues

more medical stuff to deal with. this time it's me. yeah...
so i guess my endometriosis came back and you can now add the possibility of gallstones on top of it. AWSOME! i have sonograms later this week to determine what's going on. i REALLY hope it's nothing, because i personally don't want the scars that come from gallbladder removal. it's all based on vanity. then again, i don't want it to burst, so i guess i will have to do what the dr. says. sheesh! nite guys.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

problem solved

i guess the water pump went out which caused some hub with bearings to shake that caused something to do something and something else and then the belt broke... BUT! my brother is a mechanic who knew just what to do, and with randy's help, it is now fixed. so is my cell phone, and i had a REALLY good work day. time to relax and spend time with family. i'm thinking beer and pizza.

Why not?!?!

Picture this... it's been a really long week. I'm tired. Randy's sick. Gillian got suspended. Conor's doing... well. boss is out of town, hence me being tired because I'm doing 2 jobs. cell phone breaks... truck breaks. I'm all alone @ 930 pm with no cell phone, no power steering, truck's overheating, loosing ability to handle truck on the freeway, and I still have to get it home because I'm not walking down the freeway in heals with no jacket, no cash and no phone on a Friday night. so now what do I do? I get it home, how? i don't know. (i probably blew the engine by driving it when i know i should have pulled over) i pull into the driveway, run into the house yelling for my sick husband to come help. he runs out there, shakes his head at the steam coming out of the front, and lifts the hood. he comes back in the house and goes to bed. I look, and the serpentine belt is just hanging there. now what?

i don't sleep. still have to work today. have no idea how to fix the truck other than get it towed to, who? on a weekend? i have to work Monday. i have Dr's appointments on Monday. does insurance cover this kind of thing? how the heck much is this gonna cost?!?!?!? plus I'm in a lot of pain, and am now sleep deprived, and have no idea what to do next. i will start with coffee and prayer.