12 days of Christmas!

some one or some bodies, are loving the Miller's this year.

so far we've had 4 days of christmas and it has become the highlight of our day.

day 1, our neighbor handed us a bag, and said she didn't know who it was from. it was filled with candy and a movie gift card. i looked at her like, what the heck? how can u not know who this is from??? she just simply said, read the card again.... "on the first day of christmas..." hmmm. ok. so cool.

the next morning, there were 2 candlesticks on our door step. "on the second day of christmas..." oooohhh ok, i am getting this.

"on the 3rd day of christmas: 3 gift cards. Conor=game stop, Gillian=target, me= Victoria SECRET!

"on the 4th day of christmas: 4 pairs of socks, (i got 2 haha) and "everything we need for a cozy night at home". (yummy goodies)

so to be able to thank whomever this is that's doing this, since you are so sneaky, hopefully you read my blog and see the joy you are bringing us this year. THANK YOU!!!! and Merry Christmas!

(i'll comment with the rest of the days as we go.) so amazing!!!

day 5: chucky cheese tokens and a pizza gift card

day 6: 6 jamba juice cards

day 7: a BUNCH of cool stuff to do with the family

day 8: ginger bread house, ginger bread man, a beautiful tree etc...

day 9: angel , picture frame, yummys

oh man.... REALLY???

i promised myself to wait til morning to write this so that i was level headed and not just reacting out of hurt. guess what? it's morning...

how to begin... how's about i start with the bad and end this on a good note...

i feel i must state the obvious first. Randy got cancer 2 years, 2 months and 2 weeks ago. i feel i have to remind everyone that i haven't forgotten that. me and the kids lived it every moment of every day! we grieved, we hoped, we prayed, we grieved some more. we drew close to each other, we drew close to God, to our friends. we received so much love and support it was overwhelming at times. randy and i talked all the time, and those closest to him, knows how he was when he started to talk. he's was encouraging, inspiring, brutally honest and had a 10 point presentation to follow it all up. then it was: "repeat repeat repeat" until you really understood what he was trying to say. no one will ever know the conversations we had about family, God, our future, what he wanted my life to look like when he was gone. all you know are the conversations YOU had with him on whatever subject came up. so i can pretty much guarantee that not one person reading this had the actual conversation with him that i will be discussing in a moment. (not that it's anyones business, but i need to know where i stand in people's lives, so i know which direction to head in).

topic: me falling in love again

Randy: "kris, you will love again, you will catch sh** from people for it, but you will love again and deserve to be loved, so you just have to let it happen and not put up walls". i kept telling him that wasn't a conversation i was willing to have with him because he was still here, in my arms. it's not just weird, but my heart was not in a position to love anyone else. his biggest request was that i put the kids first (duh) and listen to my heart when i felt it was time to love again. it was a very one sided conversation because i just listened and internally grieved the fact that our marriage was ending and not by choice, and in the end he would be gone. the man that i gave my heart to, had children with and planned a future with passed away into God's arms and out of mine.

just in case anyone reading this hasn't attended a wedding, there is a line in there that says "til death do us part". if you were married and had to eat those words because the person you told that to actually did die, then i am sorry for your loss, and i hope that you had the opportunity to have the conversations with your spouse that i had with mine. i know how he felt, i know what he wanted and i know the promise i made to him. i just didn't think that it would all go down so soon...

~side note (again) if you are reading this and are appalled with anything that i am saying, i hope that you do one of 2 things: pray about it and let God speak to your heart or quietly unfriend me on facebook, go live your own life, make your own decisions and let me live my own. thank you very much.

now that that is out of the way, on to the good stuff. since some of you have asked and prayed for me to be happy. well, guess what. I am. i have been given a gift from God to be happy. in the darkest of times, God says he will be a "lamp upon my feet". He will "show us the way". ETC ETC ETC. there are so many verses that I could quote, but since i'm not here to sell you on my relationship with God, i will just simply say: i believe in His word. i was put on a path a long time ago, before i was even born, and i am walking it beside Him. i am praying, talking, crying, all while being held by God. He doesn't let us go too far astray without directing us back to the path, so we can continue on with the work He has for us. Randy died. it was a real dark time, so it was a time that i drew closer to God and felt Him more than ever. it's hard to go astray when being carried by your maker because you can't put one foot in front of the other. He won't take a step in any direction that wasn't right. not even one inch in the wrong way. He can't. at some point, He sets us down, helps us get our footing again, and shines the light in the direction we are to go. one morning i looked up, and there was another set of footprints joining up with mine. for me, they were familiar footsteps. i recognized them to be the footsteps i crossed paths with in high school. thought to myself "hmmm, well, alrighty then". as i kept taking each new step, i realized that I wasn't taking a step off the path. not one. the other set of footprints kept walking next to mine, even helped me slow the pace a little. just as i am not here to sell you on my relationship with God, i am also not going to sell you on this beautiful relationship i am in. me him, the kids (who LOVE HIM) are in it. God is there in the middle of it all.

i knew my circle of friends would change once Randy passed. my mom warned me to not take it personally, but it still hurts to be un-invited to a function, because i am no longer Randy's wife, and choosing to do what Randy told me to do in the first place, and that was to be happy. i think it's comical that people would rather me sit home alone, be sad, lonely and depressed, KNOWING the man randy was. HE IS STILL HERE. no one has forgotten. the kids and I are doing all of this TOGETHER and all of it is right. no red flags, no bells going off in my head telling me to stop. not ONE! not even from my baby girl who tends to try to be my "boss", is more than happy with ALL OF THIS! the people who are closest to me, who's opinions actually count, are happy to see me happy. they know that i have grieved for 2 years, 2 months and 2 weeks! at some point you have to ask yourself when enough is enough. the grief isn't over. i will always love randy. always, and no one is asking me to stop. no one is asking me to take down pictures of our family, to put the humidor away, to get over it. it's quite the opposite actually.

i am taking each day in stride, trusting in my God, my heart and my soul where to go next. i fully expect my facebook "friends" to be cut in half, since a lot of them were Randy's friends, and not mine. i will not delete anyone. if you want to stay in my life, GREAT! if not, well thanks for stopping by...

♥

so...it's not the holidays that hurt..

it's the days after. being with all of our family on thanksgiving was WONDERFUL, it's the quiet times after we say goodbye that really sucks. "black friday" was spent going back to moms and hanging out, decorating. it was a great time. today, bowling, then spending the night with my mom and sis out in cottonwood. i can keep myself super busy, and keep from being alone, but all i end up with is being worn out and eventually still have to come home to face reality.

school starts again in two days, and i have the option to find someone to hang out with and stay busy, or stay home, lock the door and start going through all of our stuff, packing and preparing to move. oh yeah, and look for a place to move. that process will have to start sometime. seeings how i'm a "rip the band aid off quick" kind of girl, i am thinking Monday will be a day for xanax, tissues and locking the door. waking up to reality is BS most of the time if you're honest with your self.

*a side note to the few that have said i need to move on past the anger stage into acceptance and move on with my life...hasn't had to loose their husband 3 weeks before the holidays, your birthday and sick kids all at once. (plus you're probably not reading this, you just go off of my status on Facebook, and may not even understand or cared to ask what happened at that very moment i posted something), I am NOT mad at God! i am BROKEN HEARTED! the anger comes out when you try to go get something out of the garage so you can go on a tree run with the kids, but need all the snow gear, and all you can see in front of you are things you can't reach, or all of the things that were his, because the garage was him domain. or trying to find that one "part" you need and he's the only one who knew where it was. so yeah, if you REALLY want to see me angry, keep writing my emails telling me how to better handle my emotions.

~for the rest of you who actually have gone through a loss or have grieved right along with us these last two years, thank you for being supportive and letting me vent. i don't plan on being in the anger/depressed stage forever, and allowing me to get out how i feel really does help me get to the "ok" stage a little faster.

live for the here and now!

a FEW people over the last couple of weeks have given advice on how to cope with loosing a spouse. there are some that makes sense and some that just isn't me, but this is one thing that started a whole conversation, that really got me to thinking about life in general.

"just keep your eyes fixed on heaven, you'll be with him soon".

very sweet and very true, but if i find it's hard to do my work here on earth, if i'm always looking up. God put me here for a reason. i am not supposed to be in heaven right now. God separated heaven and earth, numbered our days, and then put us in the game. if a player is out on the field, constantly yearning to be on the sidelines, he's gonna get bowled over!

it's also like when you're a kid, counting the days until you're an adult, and trying to be older than you really are, you miss out on being a kid. why would i want to fast forward through my life, that's already going too fast? i need time to finish my task here on earth.

our spirits have a natural reaction to fight to stay here. i saw my superman do that for weeks. that drive is God given. He did not place in me a faint heart, too afraid to live life with boldness. He did however leave a hole in my heart that only He can fill. looking at the sky is not going to fill that. reading His word, loving His children, and fighting hard for what He stands for, fills that hole enough, until He heals it WHEN i get to heaven. i know that i will get there someday, but just like going on vacation, you don't start packing in December if you're not leaving til June. there's work to be done first, or else you won't even be able to afford the trip!

live your life in such a way that you don't leave this life empty handed. God won't mind if you bring a few extra guests with you. the more the merrier!

our new norm...

to be honest, it has been nice to get back to some sort of normalcy. the kids are back in school. i started work on Monday. my mind can rest knowing Randy is out of pain. our hearts are still breaking. little things sneak up on us that take us back to reality, but all and all, we are surviving after our world has been turned upside down.

i can not explain to anyone that hasn't been here for the ending, how in the world we are doing this. day by day, hour by hour? yeah, but it's more than that. now that his body has released his spirit inside, it's almost like he's all around us, all the time. i guarantee that he was partying with us last saturday. i know he rocked out to the songs, enjoyed seeing pictures of him with his friends and family, maybe even realized how handsome he really was... i hope he is able to see things through the eyes of God now.

me and the kidletts have embarked on a new life, learning how to cope with the hole in our chests. we miss him terribly and half expect him to come walking around the corner any moment. only through God can we make it through, but we are holding on the the promise that He WILL get us through. He always has. i just have to either keep having people over for dinner so i still get to cook good food and have a real reason to go to the grocery store, OR learn to like the stuff the kids choose to eat. cooking for one is no fun.

i plan on uploading the slideshow from his party sometime this weekend when i figure out how to do it. it's about 45 minutes long, but i know some of you have asked to see it, so i will try.

LoVE

i feel it.

i feel it with the food.

i feel it with the flowers.

i feel it in the hugs, tears, laughter...

i am blessed to have so many amazing people in my life.

tomorrow will be a week.

tomorrow, we receive Randy's body back, in a new form.

the kids are excited. i'm nervous.

how am i going to react to have my husband... in a box.

granted, the box is a kick a** humidor i bought him for a special occasion years ago, and has been a part of this household for years, but still. how can one amazing man like Randy, fit in a box???

weird.

for tonight, i will focus on the here and now. my kids, family, friends, roxy. (roxy would be mad that i put her last. shhhh. don't tell her)

anyways... love is the order of the day. i want to share it with all of you.

I LOVE YOU!

there.

goodnight.

Wait upon the Lord

I guess i should get this down before i forget, or run out of tissues.

The whole time i have known Randy, he has been trying to teach me patience. My parents couldn't do it, my kids TRY my patients, but no one could teach it to me, until now.

Yesterday, after asking God and Randy why? why in the world are you holding on? How are you still here? your body is literally NOT functioning. WTF is what i said to myself on more than one occasion. the dr's and nurses were scratching their heads. on paper, Randy should have been gone a long time ago. all they could say is that he is a strong man. yeah, we know that... tell me something i don't know.

Pastor Dave did. He said "wait upon the Lord". really? there it is again. Patience. grrr!!!

The Lord gives you each breath, each minute. wait on HIM... ok. FINE!!!

since i am sick, i had taken some cold medicine and was ready for a nap. i said goodnight to everyone and cuddled up with Randy and Roxy. I started talking to God, thanking Him for teaching me a lesson that was long over due. Patience. Waiting upon the Lord is so hard. Randy literally spent his last breath teaching me that. As soon as my prayer ended, thanking God for Randy, for our lives together, and for the strength He has given us to wait upon Him, Randy took his last breath. literally. at that moment, his job was done. un fricken believable!

There's more to this story, lots more to put down on paper, but for now, that's all this heart can handle.

ps~ i love you

i have asked myself for 2 weeks: what is he holing on for? he has said goodbye, or see you later. he finished his chores. he has loved me with everything in him. so why is he allowing himself to suffer even more than he has?

I think it's not all about him. the man i married lives his life for ME.

tonight, i watched "ps, i love you", with my future in law, my mom and my daughter. i think God had allowed him to hold on for me.

he hasn't left me letters for the future. he has allowed me people to give me gifts BEFORE he dies. letters, songs, movies, people. tonight = closure. that movie made me cry only because it felt like a gift from him BEFORE he said goodbye.

thank you for everything babe.

(don't worry, i will write past the sad parts)

it's days like these that the tears sneak up on you. i can blame my face being wet on the rain, or saying i just yawned or any other excuse, but the fact is, when i looked over at my daughter, and realized we were both trying to hide our tears from each other so we didn't make the other one unduly sad, we both smiled and somehow felt not quite as alone.

until today, i didn't realize how much effort Randy has been putting into this battle. I watched him go through chemo, radiation, the awful pill, loosing his hair, throwing up more than i thought humanly possible, pain than no person should have to endure... that was just half the battle. in the last two years, he has tried to teach the kids everything a dad could teach their children. For Conor: courage,

confidence, honor, respect... math, how to shoot a gun (that came naturally though) gun safety, how to guard his heart when needed. so many things. things that he should have had at least 10 more years to accomplish, but then again, raising a child never stops,

so i hear.

i looked over at Gillian this morning as we were waiting for the bus. it's a cool rainy morning.

days that Randy lives for. that started the thought process down a one way street of sadness.

i looked down and saw her her sparkly purity ring, and the tears started, for both of us. that's when the gravity of how much work Randy has put into this family over the years, and how exhausted he must be, truly hit me. The purity ring is a symbol of their commitment to one another, to stay true to herself and God until her husband

places his own ring on her finger with his own promise. an experience Randy will have to enjoy from a distance. what an amazing gift he has been able to give her though! now, to hold her to it...

so moving past the sadness, (see, told you I would) i stand in awe of the man that God has brought into our lives. if i can push past holding on so tight to the memories of who he was PHYSICALLY, i can focus on the spirit inside of him. the spirit that belongs to God, created before time, and will be waiting for us when OUR work is done. this is a man who came into this world with so much to offer that he gets to graduate early. lucky bum. :) his work on this earth touched so many people. i know that because of all of the love and support, emails, phone calls and texts we have received over these last two years. i actually had to up our cell phone package to accommodate all of them. what a problem to have!

his spiritual gift is an easy one to point out, "encourager". no one would dispute that. even if his tactics seemed a little harsh, he knew that sometimes being tough and brutally honest was the best way to break someone from the bonds of their struggles. there was a gentle side to him which i think most people saw, but let me tell ya, the times that i watched him do his thing and tell people the truth, those are the times i could see the most lasting change. he had the courage to be tough, and not just on the job site.

as our time with him here, is nearing an end, i am starting to see all of the seeds he has planted over the years start to blossom. it may be fall, but Randy can make things happen in the most impossible of times. there is something to be said for shear will and determination. his favorite quote: "never quit, find a way". i'm pretty sure he will find a way to still encourage us even from a distance. if anyone can, Randy is the one.

time to fill you in...

these last 12 days has been AWFUL! I was working up until the 15th. He was totally doing ok, considering. i came home friday afternoon, and our world turned upside down. his pain level shot through the roof. he was throwing up... a lot! by saturday, he was literally on deaths door. he... well, i'll leave out some details, but lets just say, he wasn't wanting to live anymore. at this point, we all scramble. visitors by the dozens, limited to 5 minutes or less, because that's all his stomach could handle. good byes or see ya laters depending on his relationship with said people. 6 different anti nausea drugs at a time, pain pills that would knock out a druggie on a good day. still, he was miserable. then we meet Randy J. his hospice nurse. this guy is AMAZING. a couple of days with him and he decides to try something that hasn't really been tried in the past for nausea, but it is worth the risk. it's a drug that knocks you out for surgery. his angle: to make him comfortable so he can pass in peace. little did he know, it undoubtedly has the opposite reaction on Randy. he walked out one evening as i was talking with tommy and sat down on the couch and started a full on conversation with us.

FREAKED US OUT!!!

we were talking over final preparations, and here Randy sits down, so a subject change is in order. since then, he had been 98% nausea free, sleeping pain free, and having amazing

insightful conversations with his guests. DON'T GET ME WRONG, the end is still in sight, but he will be able to let his body take the pace it wants, and allow us the gift of closure, that we were almost robbed of last week. the nurses are scratching their heads. we are laughing because we have no idea how else to react. it hasn't been without its challenges, but we will take every moment we can get from him. i plan on sharing more as we go, but thought a little update was in order.

i do want to thank everyone for the love and support that has been showered down upon us. not only do me and the kids feel it, Randy knows it too. thank you thank you thank you!

my fuzzy warm blanket

waking up this morning was a roller coaster in the matter of moments. first off, this was the first morning i woke up a little chilly. i don't like being snuggled in bed, then having to get up before the alarm to turn off the fan or turn on the heater. back in the day, it was already taken care of by Randy, who got up at 5 and had the coffee made, dogs fed, heater on...

so this morning, i woke up from a nice dream about being up in a cabin somewhere watching it snow. i remember feeling cold, which is in turn what woke me up. in the moment i pulled my blankets up around me and let my mind revert to the old way of life, i did a mental checklist:

1. why did randy not turn the heater on?

2. is he off today? it must be the weekend and he's sleeping in...

3. is he on tour? no he's right next to me... face covered up with the sheet. a sign that HE'S cold too.

4. why didn't he turn the heater on???

5. oh yeah. crap.

after turning the fan OFF, i hopped back in bed, pulled an extra blanket around me, laid there dazed, forcing myself not to think about how things used to be. i have to focus on the task at hand, and that is making him as comfortable as possible. (still haven't figured out how to do that). i guess i dozed off again, because the alarm went off, and my first reaction was to nudge him and have him get up with the kids. you know, the old game of, "it's your turn to get up with the kids"? yeah. fun game. i guess he won this one :) (bad joke, sorry)

so i got up, made coffee, woke up my babies after staring at them for awhile, not wanting to wake them from a nice dream to face reality, sat down to my blog, and found that my warm fuzzy blanket is my friends and family who love me. in this really hard time, on mornings that i wake up feeling chilled to the bone, i find warmth in the memories of my past, the time still spent with Randy, and the future that will always and forever be tied to the souls, that have filled my heart from the beginning.

i need help to blog this...

instead of writing how i "feel" about Randy dying, how 'bout i let my friends fill in the blanks...

randy is:______________

we are:_______________

God is:________________

the best way to get through this is:__________________

my friends are:_________________

(i'll take this one, AMAZING, LOYAL, SUPPORTIVE AND GODLY!)

k. let me know your thoughts, then i'll give more details later.

uh, Hi. Remember me?

i don't know what happened. I sat down to blog and realized it has been almost a month. hmm. sorry.

i guess i haven't had a lot of time to sit and write. i have a hard time trying to focus when the kids are up. today, i woke up early, made some coffee and wanted to try to get some words down before they woke up. yeah, right! It's Sunday. why don't we all get up at 6am? ooops. i sound a little grouchy. time to refocus. (deep breath)

so a lot has changed in a month. I wish i had good news, but the way the chips have fallen, the bad might just outweigh the good. As we sit today, or at least last night as of 10 ish, Randy is getting his butt kicked more and more. The pills he is taking has completely wrecked his body. He isn't QUITE bed ridden, but it's hard to motivate yourself to get up when walking is excruciating. 3 days ago, he called it quits on the pills. Not worth the pain. Plus, we're pretty sure they're not working considering that he has a new lump on his side that has more that has doubled in size in a month. Not sure yet if it's actually cancer. but if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...

His first Dr.s appointment in months, is on September 28th, my sister's birthday. By then, I hope Randy has made up his mind on whether to scan or not. Between you and me, I don't need to look at a scan to know what's going on. I can look at him and tell you. I won't though, because I'm not a Dr. and I might just be feeling a little pessimistic today. Certainly not enough to make a proper diagnosis. I have seen a man who can endure all things physical with a smile on his face, become unable to walk to the bathroom without grimacing. In the matter of 2 weeks, he has gone from doing all of the grocery shopping and cooking, to not even be able to walk to the truck. That in and of itself SUCKS!!! He was able to watch Gillian run her first cross country race though last Thursday. Just walking from the truck, to the starting line and back, put him in bed for 3 days now.

Is there still hope? Hope isn't something that ANYONE can take away from us. No matter what the Dr's say, or how awful he feels, or how little he is able to do anymore, there is still hope. Our God is a God of wonder, strength and pure love. He has allowed Randy this cross to bare, and has promised to be right beside him the whole way. He has given this family the ability to persevere in a really crappy time. If the kids can still go to school with their hearts broken, and still function, then I can honestly say, they will be able to handle a lot in their lives. That concept breaks my heart though, because I have learned 1 thing in life in regards to trail: God is using them to make us stronger, so we can deal with the next level of pain coming our way. Case in point: In high school, a friend from my cheer leading squad died with her sister, a year later, my best friend and her brother, sister and fiancée', 6 months later, my ex-boyfriend, 6 months later, my dad... then aunts uncles, grandparents, etc... fast forward to now, well, you see the pattern. I so do not wish more pain for my children. I know it's coming though. Life has a way of making you wish for heaven to come quick.

I am going to end this blog now, since the sun has come up enough for me to see some storm clouds heading our way. (the kind of storms i like). I am going to take my cup of coffee outside with a blanket, perhaps a book, and go spend some quiet time with God. Happy Sunday!

time's running out!

wait. didn't mean the title to be so dramatic. i mean, fall is on it's way and i have more sun to absorb before the cold mornings and even colder night descend upon us.

i LOVE the sun. i love getting a tan. i love the feeling of slipping into the cool pool after laying on a lounge chair for 30 minutes until i can't take the heat anymore and sweat is starting to bead up on my brow, and the cold beer is not quite cutting it anymore. that feeling sends a rush through my body and i thank God every time for a reprieve from the Redding heat.

that said: FALL IS MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR! i love the smell of pumkin candles, apple pie in the oven and wearing a cozy sweatshirt as i drink my hot cup of coffee and watch the news, in my pj's. granted, that will be a weekend thing since i'm at work at 7am during the weekdays, but it's something fun to look forward to. that and football. i. love. football. football, beer and nachos. i love the moment that what's his name starts singing the "monday night football song". it's like the church bells calling us to church. when Hank Williams Jr. starts, we all grab our drinks, snacks and good attitudes and sit our butts on the couch and just forget life for a few hours. doesn't matter who's playing. it's our fun time.

CAN'T WAIT!

me time

i need it so much. i happen to have today off. a 3 day weekend before the kids go back to school. an end to a pretty tough week. an opportunity to take a deep breath. a quiet morning with me and my coffee, until the crew wakes up and my day really begins. there is so much bouncing around in my head, that i'm afraid that i won't have time to get it all down. (yep, here come the kids. let's see if they pretend i'm not here)

so..... got yet another speeding ticket on sunday that i plan on going to court for, since it was an issue of saving me and 3 other cars a 4 car pile up, yet the officer decided that he was right, of course, so i get to go back to Eureka again soon. that was followed up with my sweet son locking the keys in the truck with it still running. at least we were back in town and i was able to be bailed out. my poor husband must have been scratching his head THAT day as his wife hit two out of the park in one day.

most of the work week went well. i feel like i'm finally getting into a nice groove. i've learned and retained tons, enough to work independently most of the time. i work with great people. it is like gaining a new family. there's lots to learn about "living" with 3 new people. i realize that i spend lots more time with them than i do with my family at home. thank goodness they are good natured people. i am confident all of the little hiccups will be ironed out over time. the hardest part is trying to balance my completely crazy, dramatic, ever changing family at home, AND try to be in work mode for 8 hours strait. maybe i should try to schedule more lunch breaks in my day...

(oh, the kids know i'm here. conor just told me a funny joke. time's running out)

all in all, life gets hard sometimes. well, for us, a lot. there is just a lot of crazy that surrounds us. as my brother in law says, "crazy makes you crazy". i would love to prove him wrong, but i have a gut feeling that he's right. after all, what made them crazy to begin with.... crazy people in their life? probably. there is a poem that Randy read to me yesterday before work, that i'll post later, or on facebook, but it is mostly about a boy that has to learn to just keep getting up after he falls, as he's trying to win a race. that is almost impossible to do a lot of the time, when people are wanting to keep you down, but through encouraging words from people, it IS possible to put one foot in front of the other and just keep walking. i've learned this week that i don't have the strength in me alone, BUT God has put people along my path that are cheering me on, so that even if i don't win the race, i will at least cross the finish line and will celebrate with me in the end. i am so very thankful for the people on the sidelines, and the people who are running right a long with me. they may be faster, stronger and more seasoned runners, but they have chosen to slow down their pace and teach me how to enjoy the race.

well, good morning

i am choosing to start this day out with a positive attitude. at least i'll have room to fall if the day turns out like it has been lately. i never realized how hard it was going to be going back to work full time, learning a new career, and juggling a family. i miss them so much. i have mastered not worrying about them while i'm at work, simply because if my mind's not completely focused on the task at hand, i could cut, burn, or poke myself with something sharp. i know this by personal experience. the first week was the worst, but i have slipped up and let life into my mind on occasion, and then bbbzbzbzzzz, there goes the diamond blade into my thumb... i don't like scars, so that's great motivation to not even check my phone, email or facebook while i'm at work. the drama can wait until 3.

i am a little chipper today though. even though it's thursday, it's my FRIDAY! i am taking tomorrow off to prepare for Tommy and Destiny's wedding up at Mt. Shasta. it will be nice to get out of town and enjoy a little cooler weather with lots of people we love. i pray for no worries for the bride, no stress for anyone else and absolutely NOOOO drama. i might just take earplugs and act like i care about peoples problems this weekend. wow, that sounds mean. oh well. self preservation. there shouldn't be any problems. everyone there loves each other.

well, have a GREAT weekend. mine starts in T minus 8.25 hours...

rollercoasters

well, not the good kind. last week was one of the hardest i've had in my life. not QUITE as bad as finding out randy had cancer, but it was no cake walk either. my last blog set the scene for Monday. then Tuesday came along. (it was actually a GREAT day) then Wednesday happened, and that carried into Thursday or what i like to call breakdown day. I am thankful to have the women in my life that i have to surround me and hold me up when i'm rock bottom. it helped me to get through Friday, then we got to enjoy some fun things over the weekend.

i was going to somewhat try to list the things that made me want to chew nails last week, but after thinking about it, nothing's that serious to even mention. it all worked out like it always does, and now i look back and shake my head wondering what all the tears were even about. i guess that's how life is. i know i've grown tremendously this week. growing hurts. but now i'm stronger, i have more endurance, character, hope.... this sounds so familiar. oh yeah. my favorite verse. Romans 5 3-5. at the end of all of the drama, hurt, frustration, exhaustion and pain i start this next week with my head held high, my heart fortified in Christ and money in my pocket for the first time in years. :) working hard pays off. have a great week.

i hate how i feel right now

with so many great new opportunities, randy's general good health and somewhat happy kids i should be sleeping peacefully, waking up feeling great and skipping out the door with a huge smile on my face. instead i feel toxic, stressed and nauseous. i'm super excited about my new job, but freaked out thinking that i'm going to screw something up. i already feel that sick feeling like i ruined a whole batch of stone and have to start over, setting everyone back a whole day, and it hasn't even happened yet! i know that it's just Satan getting in my head, trying to keep me living in fear, and i have to tell you, at the moment, he's doing his job well. maybe once the sun comes up, things won't seem so bad.

starting a new job is bad enough. it just so happened that Randy will be working as well today, leaving me juggling the kids instead of having peace knowing they are home safe with him. it's so hard having everything in my life change overnight. all i can do is put one foot in front of the other and go for it. i can pick up the pieces in a couple of days. i feel so unprepared. not wanting the kids to cook while i'm gone limits what they can eat, and we have limited options at the moment. i am going to go to the store i think, right now and at least get stuff for sandwiches. maybe that will take away some of the dizziness i feel, knowing they at least can eat... ugh! why can't life just be easy for a little while??? i find myself begging God for peace. what happened to my general sense of knowing everything is in His hands and will be fine? why do i always have to be going 90 miles an hour? why can't i learn to say no to things? i just want to go sleep. i want peaceful sleep. i want to have arms around me telling me everything will be just fine and not to worry. how did i end up growing up and being the one in charge??? i don't want that role. i want to go back a few years when everything was right and normal and safe. i want my babies to be babies, cuddled in my arms, safe and happy.

ok. enough grieving. time to move on, put on my game face and go push life around a little bit.

5 minutes to write

lots going on for me physically and emotionally, but i'll stick with the emotions for today. This morning, i feel like i got that swift kick in the butt i've been needing. my heart has been all over the place worrying about people, worrying about myself, my life, my future... but this morning, a simple act of my daughter seeking me out before i ran to work, made me realize that i AM worth more than services to people. I AM worthy of being loved just for being me. i've been running in circles, fighting for something, and realized, i'm the only one fighting. history teaches us to look around. if you're the only one on the battle field, you might just be fighting the wrong fight. you can call it loosing heart, giving up or whatever. i call it saving my life. (and i think my life is worth something.)

Just a DAMN good day

Randy's last radiation treatment was today, instead of yesterday, and Conor and I actually got to go this time and check it out. Conor decided to go because he was getting really anxious about Randy being sick, and he grasps the gravity of the situation of this being Randy's last treatment. It's all over. The only decision to be made... does he do scans in a few months, or just live his life to the fullest, not knowing/careing. I didn't agree to the NON HAVING SCANS idea, because i want to know what we have ahead of us to deal with, but after talking to the Dr. today, and hearing her support for whatever Randy decides, i started thinking differently about it. If he has clear scans, cool. We celebrate. If not, he lives his life with a death sentence over his head. I think not knowing, being positive and not giving up fits him. God knows we haven't ever done anything by the book, so why start now???

ALSO~ i posted on Facebook today that i have openings for house cleaning today to fill up some gaps in my schedule, and in less than 4 hours, all the spots were filled, AND i was offered a job working in a lab, making dental impressions-type-thingy's. I'll know more on Thursday, but i've known everyone who works there for at least 10 years, and it was because of my work ethic that got me the call. I feel so blessed, and know i can learn to do anything i put my mind to. I can still keep all of my houses, 2 a day for a week, AND learn a new trade and work that job the opposite week. I would say it's too good to be true, but that would be counting God out. And at the risk of sounding egotistical, i am a hard worker and it's finally paid off. I think the word that was used to describe me was "Dynamo". Plus, Randy has gotten more calls for him to teach drums, but keep them coming. He has room!

And the tension builds...

Next Monday is the last day of radiation for Randy. A year and 1/2 of chemo, 3 months of radiation and the rest of his life on pills. Lets just hope that this did the trick. We WON'T know for a couple of months. It's gonna be a long summer waiting for scan day. I already feel myself pulling away and searching for my happy place. I feel like being an ostrich. Dig my head in the sand, or in my case, headphones and a book. See ya around.

oh yeah, i have a blog

i am the queen of forgetting the things that help me the most, those little nuggets of information that makes life a lot easier. for me, blogging helps keep my emotions in check, yet i keep forgetting to blog and all of my thoughts cloud my head and i end up with anxiety and freak out. if you don't believe me, ask my family. i think they're all ready to dunk me in the pool. life keeps happening and i have just been stuffing all of my thoughts away in a compressed file, waiting for a day to unpack it all, but it's been 3 weeks of stuffing and it's full! i guess it's time to for mental spring cleaning...

first thing on my mind: God is good. period. all though sometimes i think He has more faith in my ability to deal with things than i do. I know i have to take responsibility to give my worries to Him instead of holding it all back and stewing on it, but once again, I'm the queen of forgetfulness. He knows my worries, and I'm sure if He was here on earth, He would suggest we sit down, have coffee and talk about it, like a girlfriend would make me do. I guess I don't let my girlfriends do that either, but maybe He would be more successful in the feat. So, God, I'm drinking my coffee, here's what's on my mind:

~My heart ACHES for Rahna, Zack, Jacob and Jaxon. I don't always understand Your plan, how some people have to live life here on earth without the people they grew to depend on and are deeply in love with. I know this hits close to home for me, so maybe I'm a little sensitive, but that will be the first question i ask You when i get there. WHY? I think this one will take me some time to work through. Maybe i should pack that one away for another day.

~My kids are growing up way too fast and it's not only making me feel old, but it's breaking my heart that my son is getting closer to becoming a soldier. This is something that he has wanted since he was knit together in my womb, i'm sure. He came out wanting to protect the world, guns blazing, so God, i ask for peace for me, and courage for him to walk boldly and safely down this path that you created him for. He feels an overwhelming urge to protect. That's awesome.

Gillian, well God, I am thankful that the sky's the limit for her, because her head's in the clouds and her joy makes me smile. You have created her for something big that involves grace, strength and compassion. I know she has my stubborn streak, so that's gotta count for something too, right?

~Randy is still sick. I forget this sometimes. I know i have forced myself not to dwell on it, because it's not healthy to, but I think in trying to forget, I forgot what we are fighting for and why life is the way it is right now. I tend to get impatient when he's not able to do the things he once used to, or when his choices are focused on things HE'S always wanted to do instead of what i want. I SHOULD WANT THAT and i do... when i remember. I'm not calling it his bucket list, because he's not dieing yet, but a list that everyone should have so they can live the life Gods called them to. Drumming is his passion, and it's what connects himself to other people. I am ok knowing it comes first, for the good of others.

~ The questions of "why am i here on earth" has been answered in a weird way. I keep thinking to myself, "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize." 1 corinthians 9:24

I get that passage, but knowing that when I die, my prize will be eternal life, why not spend my life helping OTHER people win gold? I have ALREADY won the day i accepted Christ. If my life is meant to be played out encouraging the broken, feeding the poor, and serving the weary, then I'll do it with everything in me all with a smile on my face if it gets them one step closer to knowing the kind of love i know from Christ. My job may not be glamorous, but it's one i love. College education, who needs it? I don't need the student loans hangin over my head to distract me.

I think that's enough of a mental cleaning as i can handle in one setting. It's time to go to work and think through these things, polish them up and send them on their way. Thank you blog for listening.

Miller Family update

Everything is staying pretty calm, well, as much calm is normal for us. Randy is continuing on with his radiation and is working really hard to make the pills work without completely destroying his hands and feet. He has gotten in a pretty good grove with it all. I think he has a couple more months of radiation to go, then a month or so after that we can have scans done. I am a little shocked that after all the bad news and ups and downs, that we are still able to make something work. Even though he dreads having to go to the Dr. everyday, at least he's fully able drive himself there and then come home and feel pretty normal. My heart breaks for the couple of friends i have that don't have it that way. I know that with good comes bad, so we will take this calm in the storm while we have it, and re-coup from this last year and a half.

HUGE PRAYER REQUEST! We are looking for a place to move to, that's a LOT cheaper than where we are. We have been blessed to be able to stay here and not have to move in the middle of chemo and the really bad sickness. I can't tell you what a blessing that was to us, so thanks to everyone who has supported us for so long. I do have to look down the road a little ways though, and be responsible to not get caught off guard. At this point we will be living off my income, which isn't much, but i know God will help fill in the gaps. Actually, i will be filling in the gaps and letting God drive this ship. This is the point that i feel the gravity of not having a college education. Cleaning houses is a job i love, but not the best way to support a family of 4. I have a feeling that God will surprise us with another path soon enough, so i choose not to freak out.

Other than that, everything is going pretty well. We are REALLY looking forward to summer break. Can't say pool parties are in order unless we move at the end of summer, but our BBQ will follow us wherever we go, so time with friends is still on the menu. And speaking of friends, i have some chores outside to take care of so we can PLAY. Have an amazing weekend friends.

is passion a good thing? it tends to get me in trouble...

so i read one of my favorite pastors blogs this morning and it really got me to thinking today. how come Christians, not all, but enough to make it an issue, tip so poorly at restaurants ? i've had conversations with some of those said people, and their response is somewhere along the line of not wanting to give more to a servant than they do when they tithe to God. ok... so many issues with that statement, but since my thought process went further than that today, i will only say this, then move on: when you tithe, 10% is a guide line. God is looking for a posture of giving, not rule following, and i'm pretty damn sure He'd be shaking His head if we chose to give LESS to someone serving you just because you want to give Him more. how bout you give your 10% at church, then when you go out to eat after church, you continue that act of giving to His children and bless them for allowing you to not have to cook!?!

enough about that. here's the rest of my thought process:

we, at the Stirring, are known for our love. Bethel is known for healing, Neighborhood for Grace and so on. we all have our roles to play in this community, but does that mean that just because Bethel focuses on healing, that grace gets overlooked? NO. are we, who attending the Stirring, going to only send our sick to Bethel to be healed? NO. why? because being strong in one area of service, doesn't give us the right to slack off in all other areas. God can heal people through friends at Neighborhood and find grace when they talk to friends at Bethel. I just believe that God leads people to the above said churches to be forged by the best in the land, then sent out to reach out to the rest of us. The connection with my thought process is this: we call ourselves Christians, read the Bible, give our 10%... then treat people like crap all because of our "beliefs". some churches, (none of them listed above) pride themselves on being more Godly for handing out tracts instead of a tip, or "showing" God their love for Him by giving more to Him on Sunday morning. i think if the Bible was still being written there would be a whole letter written to each of these churches begging them to change their ways. NO ONE GETS IT RIGHT PEOPLE, but at least TRY to humble thy-selves and look at the example that Jesus gave us. being a servant is not a glamorous job, but an important one, and if you want to seal your place BEHIND them, then continue on being jerks by cheating them out of what you KNOW is right. i am so very thankful that a few of the churches here in town, meet on a regular basis as the FRIENDS THEY SHOULD be and help each other. what's that called... oh yeah... SERVICE! read the bible, all of it, not just the old testament, then get out and live it!

quotes i live by... unfortunatly

"'In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." Benjamin Franklin

but even better:

"Death, taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them." Gone with the wind

kill me. kill me now!

so many thoughts

life in itself is so hard. there's things you can't control like the economy, sickness, natural disasters, the weather... so many times did i pray for it not to rain, but alas i would end up sitting on the couch worrying about randy's cancer listening to the news about another earthquake and the lack of help because no body can afford to aid yet another natural disaster, as it pours outside and the hail blankets the ground enough to make you think it was snow. these things we can't control. all we can do is try not to worry and know that we are in God's hands during this predestined life He has for us. I believe in providence. I believe that this life is not meant to be easy. I believe that we learn as we walk through life, we make mistakes, others will hurt us, we will do some things right but in the end, God is the goal.

there are however, things we can control like the people who we surround ourselves with, choices we make, and whom to trust with our hearts. we need to love and be loved. that is our commandment. LOVE. that's what the Stirring stands for. We love. We make disciples. unfortunately life still crashes into to these choices we feel that we are in control of, but that just leads us to another choice: do you continue to trust, love unconditionally, stand firm in what you feel is right? for me, i will choose to love. thankfully i have a Father who shows me this example daily. no matter what, He loves, so therefore, so should I.

My job is not to condemn, but to lift up. Not to crush, but to heal. have i made mistakes by hurting someone, when i should have put my armor around them? of course. it's human nature. that said, being human doesn't give me a free pass to continue on. my words have hurt too many times to count, but thankfully we have a God of restoration and healing. He has helped to restore broken relationships, broken hearts and broken spirits. This is where i choose to stand...

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18

leaving it all behind

i felt the spirit of God crash into me yesterday harder than i ever have before. i am so thankful that He was gentle. i understand why He won't allow us to see Him visually, because i don't doubt we would just burst into flames. i was at church, minding my own business, looking forward to watching Kelly get baptized, and i ended up getting a backstage view, as i found myself standing right behind her, getting ready to get in myself.

as soon as Pastor Dan said, "i feel like someone here, who hasn't planned on getting baptized, will be joining us today..." my whole body got extremely hot and i started shaking. i tried to explain to God that i can't be baptized in a white shirt, totally un-prepared, having no change of clothes or a towel. He had other plans. I even tried to do a U turn and head out the front door, but my legs just wouldn't work, so i put my head down and walked up to Dan, put my hand on his shoulder, he gave me a knowing look and directed us up the stairs to the baptismal pool. Randy and Gillian were right behind me for support. We watched as several others were dunked, and all i could think about is something Amy had said a couple of months ago, "stop running". God has told me for a long time, "meet me by the water". Never knew what He meant until yesterday.

So there i stand with Nate looking at me with a puzzled look on his face, and i walk into the water to meet God. It was time to stop running. Time to leave it all behind and take the plunge so to speak. I felt something physically change inside of me as i came out of the water. It's not a feeling i can explain, so i won't even try. I turn around to find a towel, and i see my little girl literally ripping her top shirt off getting ready to get in herself. Randy's right behind her to pray over his girl along with Nate, and she gets baptized herself. 3 minutes later, we're all three standing backstage, soaking wet and cold and i finally felt complete and whole for the first time. I went back and forth between tears and laughter. It's an amazing feeling to know that when i met God by the water, i set my self apart for Him and am now able to leave my old self behind. I will never forget this Easter. EVER!

oh my world. what a whirlwind!

i have lived out of a suit case for about three weeks now. started off with weekend at my sisters. followed by 9 days in the LA area and concluded with 4 days as a WES camp leader. i was the ONLY woman leader of a boys cabin, and it changed my life. setting the stinkyness and fart jokes aside, i had SOOOO much fun! it was cold, but mostly dry. my sense of humor has changed. i realized my body is not as young as it was when i was a counselor as a junior in high school. i laugh at the antics of 11 year olds who forgot i have a boy of my own. waking up to the silhouette of 2 boys peeing off the porch of our cabin at 2am this morning. changing my clothes in my sleeping bag because i had no where else to go??? lol. good times. so many stories, AND i realized tonight that the main guy who runs WES camp is in fact my neighbor from across the street!

all in all, life is good. family is coming to visit for Easter. Friends' lives are changing for the better. randy's... alive. what else can i ask for? i am laughing at myself right now because i should be ready for bed, but i am ready to party with 4 kiddos who are on SPRING BREAK baby!!! bring it!

taking a break from his medication

saw the dr. today and she said that he needs to quit taking his medication until we get back from vacation, and then cut the dose in half. i love that we can joke with the doc and laugh through this. he's starting to feel a lot better, but still can only walk with crutches, which is hard to do with blisters on your hands i guess. poor guy.

so tired of the roller coaster. LET ME OFF!

today, i hit a low. it's one of those days that i couldn't even talk to anybody without crying, so i just stopped talking. it may have seemed rude to some. sorry. my heart is broken watching Randy go through what he's going through and not being able to help him. he's already been through so much, and now... well, he's going through hell again. it just seems wrong that something that is made to help you, has such bad side effects. to me, healing should be wholesome and comforting, not toxic and painful. he woke up last week with a poison oak- like rash on his face. it has now spread to the rest of his body including his feet and hands. his fingers have big blisters on them and it hurts to even put weight on his feet, so he can barely walk. what kind of life is that?

part of me feels selfish to even ask him to continue on with the "wonder pills". if my quality of life was diminished, I would't want to live, so how can i ask him to. of course he quit complaining about the pain when he saw me crying, because that's just the kind of guy he is. I DON'T WANT HIM TO SUFFER IN SILENCE! i am so mad that i let me emotions overtake me today. he doesn't need to see me crying to know i love him. that's a moment of weakness that i don't plan on reliving anytime soon. i should just go cry in the shower like i always do. grrr! i am so mad at f'ing cancer. (sorry) it seems like we take 2 steps forward and 10 steps back. we fought hard to even GET these pills, now it's making him suffer. ugh. my head is spinning.

I can't be quiet any longer

So for two weeks now, i've wanted to sit down and blog about something that is super important to me, and it took tonights sermon to get me to actually do it. This may be repetitive for some of you, but i think there is a genuine misconception about what is considered healthy in todays age of fast food and convenience. We have obviously had our feet held to the fire this last year and a half, and have had to find our way to the truth the hard way. We have been blessed though, to have 2 great friends who have been consistent with their lifestyle, and even though it took years of being friends with them, they have rubbed off. The Cable's have had it right all along. (well Cassie with the healthy eating, and Chris with his dedication to their "soon to be" farm) They have understood the importance of organic food, exercise and spiritual well being.

After reading, researching and watching "Food Inc." (thanks Amy for the suggestion), we can no longer cover our eyes and act like there's not a bad guy there standing right in front of us. The choices that we are making are literally killing us. Many people have been scratching their heads and wondering, "how did Randy get cancer?" the answer is painfully obvious now. It's all about his lifestyle. Not just his eating habits but his spiritual self as well. I'm not talking about his walk with God, but his actual spiritual being within him.

If we took a second to look at our lives, really look, and be honest with ourselves, it would only take a moment to realize our ideas for what we think are good for us, is soooo far away from the life God has created us to have. I cannot say enough about this right now, but i hope that you can stop right now and pray for God to show you the truth about what He wants for you, before you end up in the same boat we are, trying to undo all the harm that we have caused ourselves over the years. STOP EATING FAST FOOD, watch Food Inc., do more than just "take the stairs" to get healthy, get out and MOVE, get some sunshine, vitamin D is GOOD for you, you need it. Make better choices for yourself and stop blaming everyone else for what we've become. Educate yourself. Once you know the truth about what makes us sick, it's up to YOU to change. No one else will do it for you. (maybe i'm being a little harsh, but i guarantee it's a little easier than being "cut, poisoned and burned" as Randy put it, trying to get rid of the cancer that is trying to consume him). Have a great night :)

update:

Randy has begun his life extending pills! REACH did what they had to do, and i don't want to know how, but they got him accepted and he got his first shipment last night. I don't even have to go to the pharmacy to get them. I'm sure with the cost of them, i'd need to have an armed guard accompany me to my truck with them anyways, so that saves me a lot of trouble.

We have also decided to have him start radiation next week? i think. He meets with the dr. tomorrow to get scanned before they begin. The only draw back with that much radiation is it will kill his bone marrow wherever they radiate. Which is all over his body. They are "thinking outside of the box" with him because he is so strong and tolerated chemo so well. I guess his blood count levels never really dropped during chemo last time, so they are confident going into this that loosing his bone marrow reserves won't effect him too bad. cool.

At this point, as i sit at this moment, we are happy. Life is good. It's been a rough few days, but it's all been worth it and yesterday ended very well. YAY!

This is interesting

Just to re-cap for my blogger friends, there is a pill that Randy will start taking that costs $70,000/year. That's just over $5800/month. Yikes. The drug is supposed to stop the blood flow to the tumors, therefor stopping it's growth, hopefully, and giving him some years to live. :) There's always a catch though. (or just more hoops to jump through rather). There is a program out there that will cover the cost of the pills called REACH. Yay! But since we have medi-cal, it is getting in the way. The lady we are dealing with is a total sweetheart and is doing everything in her power to get us accepted, but then there's our issue of our share of cost with medi-cal. It has been lowered, but still not within reach for us to afford monthly, so we're back to square one.

I called our social worker today, who was also very sweet and helpful, (thank goodness for a new referral), and asked why our share of cost is so high with neither of us working. She explained that for a family of 4, our living expenses, including rent has to be less than $1,100/month. Since the Mercy fund is set up to pay our living expenses right now, we exceed that amount, so every dollar over $1,100/month is considered our share of cost. So doing the math, even if the Mercy fund paid for the pills that Randy should be taking, in less than 2 months, the fund would be depleted and we would be out on the streets. So even though there's a program set up for people like us, to pay for life saving drugs,we are not able to access it. I will not give my opinion on the Pharmaceutical companies. I do understand that there is a lot of money that goes into research for medications, but do they really have to have us by the balls just because they can. Where's the grace come in. Oh, that's right... Let's see what God does with this!

choices

this has been a very different week for us. i guess the last 2 have been. We have been transitioning from eating and drinking whatever we were in the mood for, and not exercising, to working out hard daily and eating mostly veggies and drinking water. i still have my cup of coffee in the morning and and a glass of wine at night with dinner, but i'm noticing a change in my body and how i feel about myself. i'm starting to realize what i don't need in my life. the biggest factor that i look at is: does it bring me more stress than joy? there are some stressful things that we can't change like cancer and school, but we can drop some of the crap that makes us feel toxic so that we can deal with the other things we can't change. Food was an easy thing to change since we know better and have motivation to change our bodies. The harder one is relationships.

There are people that maybe should just be kept at a distance, not because they are bad people, but because they bring out the worst in us, therefore making us less than we can be. Just like saying no to Red Robin fries and eventually not wanting them anymore because you've changed your taste buds, we can do the same thing with people. If you know they aren't nourishing you and making you whole, then maybe it's just about time to start saying "no". It may suck for awhile, but eventually your mind will come back into alignment with your heart and you WILL feel better. You heart is a vital part of who you are. It deserves to be protected.

yuck

today just feels like the kind of day to just crawl back in bed. i think i'm coming down off of my "high" on life from last week. It's the kind of day where it seems like there's nothing to look forward to, even though i KNOW there's LOTS to be thankful for. Randy is in Montana right now after playing with his band last night. I am very happy that he gets to still go out and do what God's created him to do. I know he's on fire right now with a drive to teach people how to take care of their bodies so they can keep cancer at bay. he has a direction and it's great to see him charging through the woods after our enemy.

he should be starting his new medication soon. it should have been here yesterday, but didn't show up. hmmm. need to follow up on that today.

lets see if i feel better after i work out.

Details and goals

1st things 1st. we have TIME! Time to do a lot of the things we thought were ripped from us a couple of weeks ago. The dr's are very happy with Randy's strength and lack of symptoms. Like Randy said, if they didn't tell him he had cancer you wouldn't know. His lack of symptoms gives us options to try some alternative stuff, and that's good enough for us. We were jaw on the floor, asking "are you sure?", looking at each other with tears in our eyes shocked to hear the word "years" not "months" come from the dr's mouth. when i say years... i mean two-ish. who knows? it could be more than that.

The alternative stuff is a "cancer drug" that is NOT chemo, but also something that i can't pronounce.What it does is hopefully keep the tumors from growing by cutting off their blood supply. It isn't FDA approved to "heal" sarcomas, but has been used by Stanford with great results. An example: A girl with the same cancer as Randy, taking the same drugs for 17 months is STILL healthy and symptom free, although the tumors still are present. We may not be able to grow old together, but i don't have to start saying goodbye yet. That brings me to our goals.

Randy is on fire to change his body from the inside out. He's joining the gym tomorrow. He can't lift heavy weights because of the tumors in his bones, but can still get some of the results he is looking for. His diet is going to change, and he's the one taking control of it, not me forcing him to drink carrot juice. He is going to heal his body with positive thinking, prayer and allowing his spirit to heal him. It's the WHOLE package.

For me, i am going to go to college and get a degree and put myself on a strict diet/exercise plan as well. As Randy puts it, "make myself a catch for Mr. Right someday". I'm trying not to be too offended by that. He does know how to motivate me though. Make me mad, and I can move mountains. I just want to be more independent and well rounded of a person and not have to rely on anyone but God to provide for me and the kids someday. Who wants a needy wife anyways?

(and Clyde, i will try hard not to push people away and accept help when needed, deal?)

That's all that i can think of right now. Any ideas what i should go to school for???

i'm up, then down, then up, then down...

what a roller coaster of a day. poor Randy is doing what he does best. making me laugh so i don't kill someone. He's the only person i know who can make a joke about me PMS-ing and get away unscathed. i think for him validating that fact, combo'd with me not eating until it was too late, (which either one by itself is bad news for the people in arms reach), turned my day around. Not to mention that i am stressed out of my mind. Tomorrow is gonna suck. we already know that. we feel like we are walking into, well, hell. i'm trying to make an appointment for a root canal for tomorrow at the same time so we can't go, but no one's buying it. i think someone tipped off the all the dentists in town...

anyways, it's 8:45 pm. just started laundry for tomorrow. it's gonna be awhile before i can go to bed. i am contemplating a glass of wine and plan on reflecting on today, and figure out how not to relive it again. i've gone 2 weeks without even so much as a tear, and then today, i see at least 5 people in town and lost it each time. IT'S AWESOME FALLING APART IN FRONT OF PEOPLE! :(

i ended on a good note by having a good talk with one of randy's best friends. he shed some light on some things and it should carry me over for a couple more weeks, (minus tomorrow. i already gave myself permission to cry tomorrow) it's great to know that comfort can come from the unlikely-est of places.

that said, i see myself going into a "do-it-by-myself" mode. that's way more comfortable for me, and a lot less taxing on my friends. it would suck to use up all of my favors right now... i like my little bubble. i like feeling safe, and i don't feel safe when i open myself up to other people, (family excluded) i am fully capable of doing more than i give myself credit for, and plan on making that my goal.

ahhh

so i spent the majority of the weekend outside. spent time with the kids separately, got some fresh air, and finally got to hang with a good friend. plus we partied a lot this weekend. randy hasn't felt so hot though. not cancer related. but he did have fun too.

this is going to be a busy week. i have 3 houses to clean, one counseling appointment, 2 dr's visit's (one in Stanford.... ROADTRIP!) dinner with Jer and Meg, a birthday party Saturday for Randy, then Superbowl to round out the week. It seems like i'm forgetting something. hmmm. if you know something i don't, please tell me.

maybe i should go do laundry NOW, so we don't run out mid week. sounds like a plan.

have a great week friends.

up yours Satan!

Totally just realized something odd. In this last year, 3 AWANA workers from NCR have gotten cancer. Dave- Director (we miss you), Darryl- leader and Director's husband, and Randy-leader and Director's husband. What this tells me is that obviously there was something we were all doing RIGHT and Satan didn't like it! Not wanting to piss him off right now, but taking out our men doesn't mean that you will defeat Gods women. You are actually making us stronger. I lift up Donna in her mourning and Rahna and I in our fight! We win no matter what. When will he figure that out? I'm so on fire right now. Time to fortify my armor. Where's my bible? oooh. it is soo on!

This is a friends post...

http://warkymom.blogspot.com/2010/01/power-of-supernatural.htmlThank you Erin for you faithfulness...

(and to our other friends who won't let us give up!!!)

so some stupid family jokes...

so we've had this cat Angel since we were newly dating. she is now 15. For YEARS now we have been waiting on her to die. Randy gets mad at all the cat hair on his clothes in the garage and having to feed her etc... so on Monday, he looks at her through the glass door and says "that fuckin cat is gonna out live me". maybe you had to be there, but it was funny.

also his 39th birthday is Feb. 9th, so he says he really WILL be 39 forever...

and then tonight, Rivers surprised us with the COMPLETE dessert selection. i mean COM...PL...ETE, every dessert they had. (banana's foster and the creme brule' were the best. so when i tried the creme brule', i scooped up a bite for Randy, and grabbed his face and told him, "you HAVE to try this, it's to die for". he did laugh but i will never ever say that again. EVER!

plus, we racked up a pretty hefty bill tonight. not gonna say how much, but once again, foot in mouth, i had to say " well, you have to do that at least once before you die..."

i don't think i'm allowed to speak again.

GET IN THE WORD!!!

OK GOD I HEAR YOU!!!

sheesh. Thank you God for the scriptures so that i can "learn".

this is really stupid, but if you've seen Avatar, which is UNBELIEVABLE, you may understand what i'm saying. This morning God told me "I see you" and i cried and said "i see you too". it's more than just looking at God or the word, which i now understand the verse in John that says "¹In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."

when i read the word, i SEE God, just as he sees me. and as the movie explained, it's not just seeing someone on the outside, but more on the inside down to their soul. so anchoring yourself in the word, gives you a front row seat looking into the heart of God. that i believe is what keeps us in the "in-between" of being a word church and a spirit church. God is spirit AND word. it says so.

Conor has the faith of, well, a child

This evening, it all sank in for Conor. He started asking questions like : "why can't they do more chemo", "what else can we do" and my favorite, with tears in his eyes and a very serious tone "if laughter is the best medicine, then you just need to laugh more". Talk about stabbing us in the gut with the sharpest knife possible! SUCKY! We ARE going to be putting them into counseling ASAP. Medi-cal finally agreed to it a year later.

Thank you Gaddy's for such a great dinner, and keeping some normalcy in our lives. It may have hurt Randy to remember the good days of his past, but there's no reason that we can't still be optimistic and enjoy your family as our future.

SHIT!

that's all i can say. his old tumors have come back and there's a new one that decided to join the group. it's just a matter of time unless God decides to just be super cool and heal him. That's all i can write right now. i can't answer any questions. The dr. was crying too much to tell us much more.

this might be a long one

God has stomped His foot down. Not like a child throwing a tantrum, but as a Father declaring His will for me. It is by no coincidence that the events of this last year and even more recently, this last week have led me to where i am right now at this moment.

A little over a year ago, right after Randy's diagnosis, a total stranger at the time, gave me 2 sets of "the Purpose Driven Life" and a journal to go with each book. I thumbed through it, but with all that we have gone through this year, it just wasn't the time to focus on the future, but to focus on the task at hand, which was keeping Randy alive. So i shelved them... until this morning.

I woke up this morning, feeling more defeated than i have, probably ever. I feel like my heart was wrung out one too many times and i was fearful of who i have become. I am so nervous about tomorrow's appointment with Dr. Collins. It will literally change our future, whatever the outcome. He's either healed or he's not. (I'm not taking away God's ability for healing in the future, but i do feel in my gut, the importance of tomorrow). It is also by no coincidence that we have quieted ourselves this week so we can hear God's will for us. Plus, with a not so gentle, but well founded nudge from a friend, God broke through the last thread of "myself" that i was holding onto. That literally left me paralyzed with a broken heart and spirit. JUST WHERE GOD WANTED ME!

I picked up and finished another vampire book, turned on the TV, then turned it off. I felt restless. Then i took a deep breath, walked over to my book shelf, pushed past the piles of books and found 2 dusty books that caught my attention. Purpose Driven Life. "ok God, this is our day..." After reading the preface and looking through the journal i decided that i didn't want to walk this 40 day road alone. I know that it would be a great book to build a friendship on, but God was calling me to walk this road with Randy. I came out to the living room, got him and we started talking and crying, (mostly me), and we committed to walk this road together. There's even a place to sign a covenant together, committing to this walk. How appropriate.

Whatever tomorrow brings, whatever mistakes of the past, we will always have God in our lives, and He loves us. I loved a psalm that a friend found recently. Psalm 143. Reading it fills me with purpose and hope. I am very thankful for the very breath I have, even if it's only for today.

"the things you do for love" (or coffee)

learned a lesson tonight. wal-mart teaches you patience. there's only one place in town that i know of that sells the kind of coffee i like and it happens to be at wal-mart. i will not tell you what KIND of coffee it is however, since i've learned that the rule about supply and demand they taught me in high school applies, and you all will go out and buy it all up and therefore raising the price of it... so i will just tell you that it is only there and leave it at that. (oh my word, RANDY, if you don't stop screwing around on this computer and changing the font, i will choke you). geeze. i can't even see what i'm typing. frustrating...

anyways, just went in for a book and coffee and some amazingly sweet women in her 40's decided that i was too much of an inconvenience to her and she totally cut in line with a FULL cart, so i moved to another line so i didn't accidentally kick her in her, um... cart, as she was fumbling around trying to alphabetize her groceries. unfortunately my move placed me closer to a child, who if it were mine would TOTALLY have gotten a spanken right then and there. so i was in the dilemma of putting my handful of coffee, water and much needed minty gum down and walking out, or being patient and getting what i went there to get. if it were solely for me, i would've walked out, but like i said, there was the issue of the coffee.

not much of a moral to this story other than as soon as i get finished with this blog, i'm looking up to see if i can buy it online and completly avoid that store for the rest of my LIFE!!!

Life Group

aaahhhh. it was SO nice to be back in a group. We abruptly stopped our last one right after Randy's surgery. I remember our last Thursday night meeting, praying for the surgery the next day to go well to remove a "swollen Lymph node". I don't think anyone had any idea that this is where we would've ended up. I sure didn't. I shared last night that i am so thankful for the members of our last group, because they were there from the beginning and I know have prayed all along. Imagine my surprise to see most of my favorite people in this world in our new group last night. Hopefully next week Randy can make it. (we were short a babysitter and tried to leave them home alone. I think that lasted 5 minutes?) Just being in a group setting was refreshing and uplifting to see that we were all on the same page. No drama. I went home fully able to conquer anything. Looking forward to Wednesdays :)

P.s. ~

Randy had a PET scan and CT scan yesterday and will have a bone scan tomorrow. He was really sick yesterday from the drink they make you drink and the injection of whatever poison they put into the I.V. during the procedure. Imagine laying still for a long time trying really hard not to throw up! yuck!!!! Tomorrow they inject isotopes 3 hours before the scan, then he goes back three hours later for the actual scan. THEN WE WAIT THREE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's time for some down time

this last week was relentless. i am so exhausted. lots of work. that's a good thing. now i have 4 days off. never been this excited to stay home. ever. maybe my house will get clean now.

wednesday, randy has his scans. then we have to wait til monday to see the results. gonna be a week of faith building. please keep him in your prayers.

totally random, but i was given a calender for christmas, and i feel so much better about myself. i can look at it and plan ahead instead of waiting for my phone calender to beep at me and tell me what i'm doing next. it looks like wednesdays are the busiest.

now, if some friends could update their blog too, i could feel complete... ;)

have a great week friends!

2010... so far, not impressed

i woke up with a very heavy heart today. there is so much hurt out there right now. well, i guess there always is, but it hits so close to home that it's almost unbearable. plus, because of financial reasons and the stupid high price of prescriptions, i have had to suddenly stop taking my "happy pills". (not that they make me happy, just keeps me from wanting to KILL myself) these are supposed to be weined off over a couple month period. yeah how bout 2 days? that's how long i had to adjust. come to find out, that's been the cause of my nerve pain. i feel like i'm being electrocuted every 20 seconds or so. it's been a nice few months without enjoying that sensation. oh well, welcome back my old friend.

my list of people to pray for had doubled almost over night. hopefully God excepts tears as a form of intercession. that and prayer is about all i've got. i know we're supposed to make resolutions today. i know that i won't be able to keep any, so i'm just going to go day by day, loving my family and friends and hopefully make a difference in this world. maybe i'll loose weight along the way, and become content with myself. and maybe JUST MAYBE, i can bring about world peace. LOL

i'll update everyone soon on randy's prognosis. we'll find out on the 18th if the tumors are all gone. (just mentioning that day makes my nauseous) he finished his last chemo in december. keep your fingers crossed. tears are flowing again, so i'm gonna say goodbye.