Saturday, November 27, 2010

so...it's not the holidays that hurt..

it's the days after. being with all of our family on thanksgiving was WONDERFUL, it's the quiet times after we say goodbye that really sucks. "black friday" was spent going back to moms and hanging out, decorating. it was a great time. today, bowling, then spending the night with my mom and sis out in cottonwood. i can keep myself super busy, and keep from being alone, but all i end up with is being worn out and eventually still have to come home to face reality.
school starts again in two days, and i have the option to find someone to hang out with and stay busy, or stay home, lock the door and start going through all of our stuff, packing and preparing to move. oh yeah, and look for a place to move. that process will have to start sometime. seeings how i'm a "rip the band aid off quick" kind of girl, i am thinking Monday will be a day for xanax, tissues and locking the door. waking up to reality is BS most of the time if you're honest with your self.

*a side note to the few that have said i need to move on past the anger stage into acceptance and move on with my life...hasn't had to loose their husband 3 weeks before the holidays, your birthday and sick kids all at once. (plus you're probably not reading this, you just go off of my status on Facebook, and may not even understand or cared to ask what happened at that very moment i posted something), I am NOT mad at God! i am BROKEN HEARTED! the anger comes out when you try to go get something out of the garage so you can go on a tree run with the kids, but need all the snow gear, and all you can see in front of you are things you can't reach, or all of the things that were his, because the garage was him domain. or trying to find that one "part" you need and he's the only one who knew where it was. so yeah, if you REALLY want to see me angry, keep writing my emails telling me how to better handle my emotions.

~for the rest of you who actually have gone through a loss or have grieved right along with us these last two years, thank you for being supportive and letting me vent. i don't plan on being in the anger/depressed stage forever, and allowing me to get out how i feel really does help me get to the "ok" stage a little faster.

7 comments:

Amy @ Increasingly Domestic said...

DANG! I can't believe people are telling you how to feel! That sucks. People who don't feel what they need to, when they need to, aren't allowing themselves to go through it and heal. I have been praying for you whenever you pop into my head.

West Coast Scrapper said...

Feel how you feel and don't let others dictate your process...I may not have had a similar loss but over a year later there are still times I do the exact same thing...go to the garage to get something, only to realize i need "his" help and it's not there. It will be tough for a long time and as everyone says it is true it gets easier. hang in there girl and again...go at YOUR own pace...love and hugs!

Janis Meredith: wife. mom. sports parent. sister. aunt. niece. reader. writer. crafter. walker. lover. hater. great aunt. listener. follower of Christ. said...

I am sorry that people are being so self-righteous and insensitive.

You are in my prayers.

PainterClan said...

Kris--- Grieve in whatever way you wish my dear... Your honesty allows people to have a window in your life and think that it gives them the permission to give their opinion. Personally, I think you are amazing, and teaching me a LOT of what I may have to go through in my own life one day. Keep doing what you are doing, because each one of us has to heal in our own individual ways. God is so present in your life and in your words and HE is pleased with you... that is all that matters.

Vicki Aday said...

I can't believe anyone would think they have the right to tell you how to grieve. Be angry if you feel angry-you have a right. Throw something if you want to. In my opinion (oh gosh-just what you need more opinions lol) showing your emotions and allowing yourself to feel them and deal with them is much healthier in the long run. Love you and praying for you.

Jossalyn said...

There is no shame in raw emotions. There is no right and wrong way to go through this. No one can tell you how to do it, what the right way is, or when you should move on. You will do it all in your time. I only advise to breathe when overwhelmed. It takes a long long time to start feeling "ok" if ever. It doesn't completely go away ever, but it does ease. I promise. You have been stronger than 99% of us could be. You should feel proud of yourself. You have inspired us all. Much love to you.

Erin said...

You know, I think missing stuff in the garage and not knowing where things were would be one of the hardest things to cope with. You're right, it's hard not to get mad when you can't find something and you can't just go in the house and say "honey, where did you put the kid's snowboots?". And not being able to reach things? Man that would be so frustrating.

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