Sunday, September 19, 2010

uh, Hi. Remember me?

i don't know what happened. I sat down to blog and realized it has been almost a month. hmm. sorry.

i guess i haven't had a lot of time to sit and write. i have a hard time trying to focus when the kids are up. today, i woke up early, made some coffee and wanted to try to get some words down before they woke up. yeah, right! It's Sunday. why don't we all get up at 6am? ooops. i sound a little grouchy. time to refocus. (deep breath)

so a lot has changed in a month. I wish i had good news, but the way the chips have fallen, the bad might just outweigh the good. As we sit today, or at least last night as of 10 ish, Randy is getting his butt kicked more and more. The pills he is taking has completely wrecked his body. He isn't QUITE bed ridden, but it's hard to motivate yourself to get up when walking is excruciating. 3 days ago, he called it quits on the pills. Not worth the pain. Plus, we're pretty sure they're not working considering that he has a new lump on his side that has more that has doubled in size in a month. Not sure yet if it's actually cancer. but if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...

His first Dr.s appointment in months, is on September 28th, my sister's birthday. By then, I hope Randy has made up his mind on whether to scan or not. Between you and me, I don't need to look at a scan to know what's going on. I can look at him and tell you. I won't though, because I'm not a Dr. and I might just be feeling a little pessimistic today. Certainly not enough to make a proper diagnosis. I have seen a man who can endure all things physical with a smile on his face, become unable to walk to the bathroom without grimacing. In the matter of 2 weeks, he has gone from doing all of the grocery shopping and cooking, to not even be able to walk to the truck. That in and of itself SUCKS!!! He was able to watch Gillian run her first cross country race though last Thursday. Just walking from the truck, to the starting line and back, put him in bed for 3 days now.

Is there still hope? Hope isn't something that ANYONE can take away from us. No matter what the Dr's say, or how awful he feels, or how little he is able to do anymore, there is still hope. Our God is a God of wonder, strength and pure love. He has allowed Randy this cross to bare, and has promised to be right beside him the whole way. He has given this family the ability to persevere in a really crappy time. If the kids can still go to school with their hearts broken, and still function, then I can honestly say, they will be able to handle a lot in their lives. That concept breaks my heart though, because I have learned 1 thing in life in regards to trail: God is using them to make us stronger, so we can deal with the next level of pain coming our way. Case in point: In high school, a friend from my cheer leading squad died with her sister, a year later, my best friend and her brother, sister and fiancée', 6 months later, my ex-boyfriend, 6 months later, my dad... then aunts uncles, grandparents, etc... fast forward to now, well, you see the pattern. I so do not wish more pain for my children. I know it's coming though. Life has a way of making you wish for heaven to come quick.

I am going to end this blog now, since the sun has come up enough for me to see some storm clouds heading our way. (the kind of storms i like). I am going to take my cup of coffee outside with a blanket, perhaps a book, and go spend some quiet time with God. Happy Sunday!


Amy @ Increasingly Domestic said...

Wow. I am so sorry...we will be praying for you guys.
I bawled when I got to the part about still having hope.
You inspire me.

Matt said...

You all have strength I do not have. It MUST come from the Lord. There is no other explanation. My heart aches for you all and my prayers are on your behalf.
You inspire me too. Peace to you.

Jossalyn said...

I just wanted to tell you a story about that best friend of yours. It was my first day in 6th grade and Junior High was SOOOO Scary. I had no friends, because I knew no one. I was in Science class sitting in the back scared to talk to anyone, my stomache was in knots. Up marches this skinny little girl with the shortest hair. Well at least compared to me. Anyway, She smiled so big and said "Hi I'm Michelle, you can come sit by me..If you want to". I will never forget the impact that sentence had on my day. She was the most beautiful spirit ever.