Monday, March 8, 2010

so tired of the roller coaster. LET ME OFF!

today, i hit a low. it's one of those days that i couldn't even talk to anybody without crying, so i just stopped talking. it may have seemed rude to some. sorry. my heart is broken watching Randy go through what he's going through and not being able to help him. he's already been through so much, and now... well, he's going through hell again. it just seems wrong that something that is made to help you, has such bad side effects. to me, healing should be wholesome and comforting, not toxic and painful. he woke up last week with a poison oak- like rash on his face. it has now spread to the rest of his body including his feet and hands. his fingers have big blisters on them and it hurts to even put weight on his feet, so he can barely walk. what kind of life is that?

part of me feels selfish to even ask him to continue on with the "wonder pills". if my quality of life was diminished, I would't want to live, so how can i ask him to. of course he quit complaining about the pain when he saw me crying, because that's just the kind of guy he is. I DON'T WANT HIM TO SUFFER IN SILENCE! i am so mad that i let me emotions overtake me today. he doesn't need to see me crying to know i love him. that's a moment of weakness that i don't plan on reliving anytime soon. i should just go cry in the shower like i always do. grrr! i am so mad at f'ing cancer. (sorry) it seems like we take 2 steps forward and 10 steps back. we fought hard to even GET these pills, now it's making him suffer. ugh. my head is spinning.

1 comment:

Teresa said...

my heart goes out to you. there's a wonderful documentary called Crazy Sexy Cancer. If you haven't seen it, you should. it chronicles the experience of a 27 yr old woman who gets cancer (and is now a survivor, but like Randy, the tumors are still there, she just has to make sure they dont grow) it's full of hope and wit and fight. I'm one of the Gaddy clan, and read you're blog regularly. Just thought it might inspire & give you hope if you and Randy were to watch this movie.

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