how to begin... how's about i start with the bad and end this on a good note...
i feel i must state the obvious first. Randy got cancer 2 years, 2 months and 2 weeks ago. i feel i have to remind everyone that i haven't forgotten that. me and the kids lived it every moment of every day! we grieved, we hoped, we prayed, we grieved some more. we drew close to each other, we drew close to God, to our friends. we received so much love and support it was overwhelming at times. randy and i talked all the time, and those closest to him, knows how he was when he started to talk. he's was encouraging, inspiring, brutally honest and had a 10 point presentation to follow it all up. then it was: "repeat repeat repeat" until you really understood what he was trying to say. no one will ever know the conversations we had about family, God, our future, what he wanted my life to look like when he was gone. all you know are the conversations YOU had with him on whatever subject came up. so i can pretty much guarantee that not one person reading this had the actual conversation with him that i will be discussing in a moment. (not that it's anyones business, but i need to know where i stand in people's lives, so i know which direction to head in).
topic: me falling in love again
Randy: "kris, you will love again, you will catch sh** from people for it, but you will love again and deserve to be loved, so you just have to let it happen and not put up walls". i kept telling him that wasn't a conversation i was willing to have with him because he was still here, in my arms. it's not just weird, but my heart was not in a position to love anyone else. his biggest request was that i put the kids first (duh) and listen to my heart when i felt it was time to love again. it was a very one sided conversation because i just listened and internally grieved the fact that our marriage was ending and not by choice, and in the end he would be gone. the man that i gave my heart to, had children with and planned a future with passed away into God's arms and out of mine.
just in case anyone reading this hasn't attended a wedding, there is a line in there that says "til death do us part". if you were married and had to eat those words because the person you told that to actually did die, then i am sorry for your loss, and i hope that you had the opportunity to have the conversations with your spouse that i had with mine. i know how he felt, i know what he wanted and i know the promise i made to him. i just didn't think that it would all go down so soon...
~side note (again) if you are reading this and are appalled with anything that i am saying, i hope that you do one of 2 things: pray about it and let God speak to your heart or quietly unfriend me on facebook, go live your own life, make your own decisions and let me live my own. thank you very much.
now that that is out of the way, on to the good stuff. since some of you have asked and prayed for me to be happy. well, guess what. I am. i have been given a gift from God to be happy. in the darkest of times, God says he will be a "lamp upon my feet". He will "show us the way". ETC ETC ETC. there are so many verses that I could quote, but since i'm not here to sell you on my relationship with God, i will just simply say: i believe in His word. i was put on a path a long time ago, before i was even born, and i am walking it beside Him. i am praying, talking, crying, all while being held by God. He doesn't let us go too far astray without directing us back to the path, so we can continue on with the work He has for us. Randy died. it was a real dark time, so it was a time that i drew closer to God and felt Him more than ever. it's hard to go astray when being carried by your maker because you can't put one foot in front of the other. He won't take a step in any direction that wasn't right. not even one inch in the wrong way. He can't. at some point, He sets us down, helps us get our footing again, and shines the light in the direction we are to go. one morning i looked up, and there was another set of footprints joining up with mine. for me, they were familiar footsteps. i recognized them to be the footsteps i crossed paths with in high school. thought to myself "hmmm, well, alrighty then". as i kept taking each new step, i realized that I wasn't taking a step off the path. not one. the other set of footprints kept walking next to mine, even helped me slow the pace a little. just as i am not here to sell you on my relationship with God, i am also not going to sell you on this beautiful relationship i am in. me him, the kids (who LOVE HIM) are in it. God is there in the middle of it all.
i knew my circle of friends would change once Randy passed. my mom warned me to not take it personally, but it still hurts to be un-invited to a function, because i am no longer Randy's wife, and choosing to do what Randy told me to do in the first place, and that was to be happy. i think it's comical that people would rather me sit home alone, be sad, lonely and depressed, KNOWING the man randy was. HE IS STILL HERE. no one has forgotten. the kids and I are doing all of this TOGETHER and all of it is right. no red flags, no bells going off in my head telling me to stop. not ONE! not even from my baby girl who tends to try to be my "boss", is more than happy with ALL OF THIS! the people who are closest to me, who's opinions actually count, are happy to see me happy. they know that i have grieved for 2 years, 2 months and 2 weeks! at some point you have to ask yourself when enough is enough. the grief isn't over. i will always love randy. always, and no one is asking me to stop. no one is asking me to take down pictures of our family, to put the humidor away, to get over it. it's quite the opposite actually.
i am taking each day in stride, trusting in my God, my heart and my soul where to go next. i fully expect my facebook "friends" to be cut in half, since a lot of them were Randy's friends, and not mine. i will not delete anyone. if you want to stay in my life, GREAT! if not, well thanks for stopping by...