Friday, December 10, 2010

oh man.... REALLY???

i promised myself to wait til morning to write this so that i was level headed and not just reacting out of hurt. guess what? it's morning...

how to begin... how's about i start with the bad and end this on a good note...

i feel i must state the obvious first. Randy got cancer 2 years, 2 months and 2 weeks ago. i feel i have to remind everyone that i haven't forgotten that. me and the kids lived it every moment of every day! we grieved, we hoped, we prayed, we grieved some more. we drew close to each other, we drew close to God, to our friends. we received so much love and support it was overwhelming at times. randy and i talked all the time, and those closest to him, knows how he was when he started to talk. he's was encouraging, inspiring, brutally honest and had a 10 point presentation to follow it all up. then it was: "repeat repeat repeat" until you really understood what he was trying to say. no one will ever know the conversations we had about family, God, our future, what he wanted my life to look like when he was gone. all you know are the conversations YOU had with him on whatever subject came up. so i can pretty much guarantee that not one person reading this had the actual conversation with him that i will be discussing in a moment. (not that it's anyones business, but i need to know where i stand in people's lives, so i know which direction to head in).

topic: me falling in love again

Randy: "kris, you will love again, you will catch sh** from people for it, but you will love again and deserve to be loved, so you just have to let it happen and not put up walls". i kept telling him that wasn't a conversation i was willing to have with him because he was still here, in my arms. it's not just weird, but my heart was not in a position to love anyone else. his biggest request was that i put the kids first (duh) and listen to my heart when i felt it was time to love again. it was a very one sided conversation because i just listened and internally grieved the fact that our marriage was ending and not by choice, and in the end he would be gone. the man that i gave my heart to, had children with and planned a future with passed away into God's arms and out of mine.

just in case anyone reading this hasn't attended a wedding, there is a line in there that says "til death do us part". if you were married and had to eat those words because the person you told that to actually did die, then i am sorry for your loss, and i hope that you had the opportunity to have the conversations with your spouse that i had with mine. i know how he felt, i know what he wanted and i know the promise i made to him. i just didn't think that it would all go down so soon...
~side note (again) if you are reading this and are appalled with anything that i am saying, i hope that you do one of 2 things: pray about it and let God speak to your heart or quietly unfriend me on facebook, go live your own life, make your own decisions and let me live my own. thank you very much.

now that that is out of the way, on to the good stuff. since some of you have asked and prayed for me to be happy. well, guess what. I am. i have been given a gift from God to be happy. in the darkest of times, God says he will be a "lamp upon my feet". He will "show us the way". ETC ETC ETC. there are so many verses that I could quote, but since i'm not here to sell you on my relationship with God, i will just simply say: i believe in His word. i was put on a path a long time ago, before i was even born, and i am walking it beside Him. i am praying, talking, crying, all while being held by God. He doesn't let us go too far astray without directing us back to the path, so we can continue on with the work He has for us. Randy died. it was a real dark time, so it was a time that i drew closer to God and felt Him more than ever. it's hard to go astray when being carried by your maker because you can't put one foot in front of the other. He won't take a step in any direction that wasn't right. not even one inch in the wrong way. He can't. at some point, He sets us down, helps us get our footing again, and shines the light in the direction we are to go. one morning i looked up, and there was another set of footprints joining up with mine. for me, they were familiar footsteps. i recognized them to be the footsteps i crossed paths with in high school. thought to myself "hmmm, well, alrighty then". as i kept taking each new step, i realized that I wasn't taking a step off the path. not one. the other set of footprints kept walking next to mine, even helped me slow the pace a little. just as i am not here to sell you on my relationship with God, i am also not going to sell you on this beautiful relationship i am in. me him, the kids (who LOVE HIM) are in it. God is there in the middle of it all.

i knew my circle of friends would change once Randy passed. my mom warned me to not take it personally, but it still hurts to be un-invited to a function, because i am no longer Randy's wife, and choosing to do what Randy told me to do in the first place, and that was to be happy. i think it's comical that people would rather me sit home alone, be sad, lonely and depressed, KNOWING the man randy was. HE IS STILL HERE. no one has forgotten. the kids and I are doing all of this TOGETHER and all of it is right. no red flags, no bells going off in my head telling me to stop. not ONE! not even from my baby girl who tends to try to be my "boss", is more than happy with ALL OF THIS! the people who are closest to me, who's opinions actually count, are happy to see me happy. they know that i have grieved for 2 years, 2 months and 2 weeks! at some point you have to ask yourself when enough is enough. the grief isn't over. i will always love randy. always, and no one is asking me to stop. no one is asking me to take down pictures of our family, to put the humidor away, to get over it. it's quite the opposite actually.

i am taking each day in stride, trusting in my God, my heart and my soul where to go next. i fully expect my facebook "friends" to be cut in half, since a lot of them were Randy's friends, and not mine. i will not delete anyone. if you want to stay in my life, GREAT! if not, well thanks for stopping by...

9 comments:

Annie said...

Still here. You are amazing. I have never walked in your shoes and I couldn't begin to know what it's like. I know from the few times I talked with Randy that all he wanted was for you and the kids to be happy. So if you're happy, then all is good in the world.

Andreas bloggin now :-) said...

Kristyn,You my new friend amaze me!! I cant get my words out right now...darn it!! that never happens...

SO MUCH LOVE coming your way and you deserve it!!!

~Andrea

Vicki Aday said...

Kristyn, you are an amazing woman...I truly mean that. I am in awe at your strength and so admire you for speaking your mind. You have to be true to yourself, your kids and Randy. If people "unfriend" you on Facebook, hmmpf, who cares; they are not the friends you need. You hold your head high; you have endured things in the last 2 years that no one should have to go through. Love to you and your precious kiddos. and Merry Christmas; I know it won't be an easy one but I imagine you will make it as special as you can.

Nic said...

Kristyn, what saddens me the most is that you have to explain yourself to people that are your "friends." I am sorry hun! I can tell you that if God has put someone wonderful in your life, it is what he wants. There are things you don't plan that God does! Trust me I KNOW! I love you Kris, I know you are a strong, smart, amazing mom and woman. You would not consider anything without considering God and your children and Randy's wishes! You go girl! Those that go, let them go, that too may be part of God's plan. Coffee?

Amy @ Increasingly Domestic said...

I am so happy that you are happy and that God has brought someone special into your life...you deserve it.
I understand that you have known that the time was going to come when Randy would leave here and you have had 2 years, 2 months and 2 weeks to grieve that and come to terms with that. It is not as if he died suddenly and you are on to another so soon. Only you can judge when it is right and it sounds like it is right for you. I love that you were able to have those conversations with your husband so that now you have no guilt. It would be wrong for you to push everyone away and feel like you have to do what people expect of you. Screw them. They have no idea.

Mimi said...

Oh, precious Kristyn. Proverbs 3:5&6 comes to mind. "Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path."
No, everyone will not understand what's going on because we aren't God. Most of us choose to believe you are walking as the Lord directs & will continue to encourage you.
However, keep in mind there are some who have not processed their grief as deeply as you have, yet. Shock may be their response. Anger may set in as it is one of the steps in the grieving process. I don't know. Give them time and forgive as words may be spoken from raw feelings. Sometimes when a hurt is so deep we need to lash out at someone to direct the pain away from ourselves.
Allow room for grace with those who are still hurting. Perhaps loving them and forgiving them during this time will help them to heal and help you to continue your dependence on God in all relationships.
I stand with you for many reasons, but one of them is because I told Randy I would stand with you. It is not my place to determine whether the steps you take are correct. I just don't know think making a judgement call is where God has called me. I'm called to love and support you.
I pray the Lord allows you to release any hurt inflicted, with His heart of love and forgiveness. I pray we as those who loved Randy and love you will allow the Lord to make that Proverbs passage true. To follow Christ often does not measure up to our own understanding. We don't know what we don't know.
Cry out to Him & let Him work in the rest of us. :O)
Love you!
Mimi

Rica said...

Kristyn,
I have been an observer of your blog for only a few months. In that time, I have grieved with you and for you. I have also been in awe and praised God for your strength and faithfulness to Him and your family through this crazy and difficult season. But I have sat in silence because I knew that you were surrounded with many friends who loved you and knew you much more than I and you needed their words of comfort to reach your heart. After reading this post, though, I cannot sit in silence any longer. I must stand with you and encourage you even as you enter a new season. I have not experienced the trials you have endured over the past months and years, but I have endured many losses and grieved losses through many friends and family members. In the last 4 years, I have lost my dad, grandpa, uncle, other grandpa, and my four unborn children, besides the loss of homes, jobs, dreams, and security. I have seen what the loss of my dad and grandpa has done to my mom and brother and I wish that she could experience what you described in this post. Her experiences with death were too bitter for her to ever dare to love again and my grief is that she will never know the comfort and joy that you are experiencing. I am appalled to hear of your friends who are rebuking you in this time when they should be encouraging and standing guard over you and your family from the criticism of others. The only reason you should not move forward is if this guy is taking advantage of you in any way. And from your post this is obviously not the case. (However, if he were to hurt you or your kiddos I'm sure there are a few men in our church who could take care of him.) But seriously, I think this is a wonderful step for you and your friends should trust you and God enough to know that this is a good thing. I see you as Ruth in the Bible who sought out a kinsman redeemer. As a brother in Christ, this man is taking this role in your life and it is right. I think of my own children who are in heaven... I do not stop trying to have a family out of grief for what has been lost because I cling to God's promises for my future. It does not make me love my heavenly children less, nor does it dim the grief, but it does give me hope that someday God's promises will be fulfilled and we will have a child to hold in our arms here on earth.

I pray that your friends will be healed through their own grief so that they can once again stand with you. In the mean time, please know that you are deeply loved by your Father in Heaven and your family on earth. If there is anything at all that I can do, please do not hesitate to call. Coffee, dinner, or a long talk of tears or laughter over the phone. I extend my shoulder to you. May you be blessed this Christmas with joy and hope for what is given more than grief for what is lost.

In His Grace,

Erica Parsons

Chris said...

Kristyn, I know we don't know we barely know each other. But I have prayed for you and your family. I have watched how you have lived your life with your head held high when most would sink and I admire you more than I can say. I see you as a woman of worth, wisdom and courage. A precious example for others of how to live your faith and life itself with deep abiding love and to it's fullest. I don't know who is giving you grief, but they are wrong. Truthfully my good opinion shouldn't matter to you any more than the wrong opinion of others. But still I send my best wishes to you and hope it gives you encouragement. <3 Christina

Sarah said...

thank you for sharing this...I've read it a few times now and tears have come every single time. You have a way of shaping words that reflect your heart and soul in such an honest way. Your strength is something I have admired about you ever since I've met you and now after reading this I find it's still true.
You are loved and supported.

~Sarah

Loading...