Monday, June 28, 2010

i hate how i feel right now

with so many great new opportunities, randy's general good health and somewhat happy kids i should be sleeping peacefully, waking up feeling great and skipping out the door with a huge smile on my face. instead i feel toxic, stressed and nauseous. i'm super excited about my new job, but freaked out thinking that i'm going to screw something up. i already feel that sick feeling like i ruined a whole batch of stone and have to start over, setting everyone back a whole day, and it hasn't even happened yet! i know that it's just Satan getting in my head, trying to keep me living in fear, and i have to tell you, at the moment, he's doing his job well. maybe once the sun comes up, things won't seem so bad.
starting a new job is bad enough. it just so happened that Randy will be working as well today, leaving me juggling the kids instead of having peace knowing they are home safe with him. it's so hard having everything in my life change overnight. all i can do is put one foot in front of the other and go for it. i can pick up the pieces in a couple of days. i feel so unprepared. not wanting the kids to cook while i'm gone limits what they can eat, and we have limited options at the moment. i am going to go to the store i think, right now and at least get stuff for sandwiches. maybe that will take away some of the dizziness i feel, knowing they at least can eat... ugh! why can't life just be easy for a little while??? i find myself begging God for peace. what happened to my general sense of knowing everything is in His hands and will be fine? why do i always have to be going 90 miles an hour? why can't i learn to say no to things? i just want to go sleep. i want peaceful sleep. i want to have arms around me telling me everything will be just fine and not to worry. how did i end up growing up and being the one in charge??? i don't want that role. i want to go back a few years when everything was right and normal and safe. i want my babies to be babies, cuddled in my arms, safe and happy.
ok. enough grieving. time to move on, put on my game face and go push life around a little bit.


Collord-Dodson Ponderings said...

Kristyn, I'm praying for you today. What is your new job? I understand that feeling you so eloquently expressed in your blog so early this morning. May the Lord surround you and bless you with peace and unusual courage. In Jesus' name I ask this for you.

Judy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Judy said...

My sweet baby girl, I know I wish too I could go back in time and just hold and cuddle you but God let you grow up to fast and have babes of your own. But one of the many things God gave you was STRENGH. You have and can do anything you put your mind to. The devil is just doing what he does best...causing you to have self doubt..Keep faith in God and in yourself. YOU CAN DO IT!!! as for the kidos I am only a phone call away to help in anyway you need me. Remember I am your Mom and here to help. Mom's are like that...yea they are..
<3 I am so PROUD of my little girl that has grown up to be a beautiful woman inside and out. Love Mom

Lynn said...

Kristyn: I absolutely LOVED running into you today.. and typical you.. buying something for someone in need. You are lovely, compassionate, caring, transparent, and beautiful. Congratulations on your job. Everyone always needs crowns, so it is a job to hold on to.