i need change. i actually crave it. it is what makes me who i am. right now i feel like i'm being held under water because i can't change a darn thing in my life. NOTHING. randy's sick, can't change that. the kids are growing and moving into their preteen stage, can't change that. i can't seem to get ahead at work and bring in enough money to sustain us, i can't loose weight, keep the house clean for more than 2 minutes or even sleep through the night. i want to CHANGE ALL OF THAT, and i can't. i change my hair. big woop. i feel like God is calling me to change something in my life that's of meaning, but what? it's not like i can drop everything and go on a mission trip to india. i would LOVE that. i feel like God has created me to be somebody that i can't be in this lifetime.
i though for the longest time, (and found out recently that randy shares this idea) that i am a controlling person. that's not it! i don't want to be in control. i want the opposite. i want God in control in my life, which He is. i don't want to be the head of the household. that's not what i was created to do. our roles are so reversed right now and it's freaking me out. he stays home with the kids. gets them ready for school. is here to do their homework, and is doing a damn good job at it, while i go to work and bring home a fraction of what he did. i'm not created for this role. Randy with cancer, dealing with life, is still better than me on my best day, so that tells me i'm not living the life God has called me to. it's that cut and dry. i need to change something!!!
sorry to vent. i was told by a couple of people that i have been too vague about my feelings on my blogs, and they were right. they want to know what it's like to deal with life right now. well, here it is. it's not pretty, or fun most of the time, but we do our best to laugh when we can. there just seems to not be any room for fun right now...
some good new though. randy just finished his 8th cycle of chemo, so he's just about halfway through with his treatments. that's something to celebrate once he starts to feel better. i can't wait for this nightmare to be over.
AS A SIDE NOTE!
we have amazing friends who love us. without you guys, we'd be a mess. thank you!!!