Monday, May 4, 2009

time for change

i need change. i actually crave it. it is what makes me who i am. right now i feel like i'm being held under water because i can't change a darn thing in my life. NOTHING. randy's sick, can't change that. the kids are growing and moving into their preteen stage, can't change that. i can't seem to get ahead at work and bring in enough money to sustain us, i can't loose weight, keep the house clean for more than 2 minutes or even sleep through the night. i want to CHANGE ALL OF THAT, and i can't. i change my hair. big woop. i feel like God is calling me to change something in my life that's of meaning, but what? it's not like i can drop everything and go on a mission trip to india. i would LOVE that. i feel like God has created me to be somebody that i can't be in this lifetime.

i though for the longest time, (and found out recently that randy shares this idea) that i am a controlling person. that's not it! i don't want to be in control. i want the opposite. i want God in control in my life, which He is. i don't want to be the head of the household. that's not what i was created to do. our roles are so reversed right now and it's freaking me out. he stays home with the kids. gets them ready for school. is here to do their homework, and is doing a damn good job at it, while i go to work and bring home a fraction of what he did. i'm not created for this role. Randy with cancer, dealing with life, is still better than me on my best day, so that tells me i'm not living the life God has called me to. it's that cut and dry. i need to change something!!!

sorry to vent. i was told by a couple of people that i have been too vague about my feelings on my blogs, and they were right. they want to know what it's like to deal with life right now. well, here it is. it's not pretty, or fun most of the time, but we do our best to laugh when we can. there just seems to not be any room for fun right now...

some good new though. randy just finished his 8th cycle of chemo, so he's just about halfway through with his treatments. that's something to celebrate once he starts to feel better. i can't wait for this nightmare to be over.

AS A SIDE NOTE!
we have amazing friends who love us. without you guys, we'd be a mess. thank you!!!

8 comments:

Carrie Schmeck said...

Oh Kristyn, God is so faithful! Your heartfelt words and pleas moved me. The thing is, you ARE changing, and it is apparent in very words asking for the change.

You recognize that you are "controlling." First step for you.

Your life is out of control. First step for God. Fun? no. Painful? yes. Productive? Absolutely.

As you pointed out, there is nothing you can do--NOTHING--about much of what is happening right now. What's left? Taking the whole bundle, laying it at the foot of the cross, and asking Him to make sense of it, asking Him to order your life, asking Him to take the reins.

Girl, you are doing the work. The process hurts but the growth is happening. Trust in the process and thank Him for the changes you cannot yet see. They will ONLY be GOOD. (Romans 8:28)

In love,
CS

p.s. The total honesty is part of the process. Read Psalms. Read Job. There was a bit of lamenting goin' on there. It's ok and often necessary to get to that place of total surrender and, ultimately, praise.

Vonnie said...

Thank you, Kristyn, for your open venting. It is good for you and we can take it. It's part of the body of Christ leaning in and asking the Lord if he would be gracious to give us some of that burden to share and hopefully lighten your load a bit. I can only imagine the muscles God is developing in you!

So many are praying for you and Randy and the kids! Although the Lord is supporting you, sometimes you just can't feel it and it's all right to scream. And... by the way... most women are control freaks. It's okay to acknowledge that. And it's okay if your house is not perfect. No one expects it to be right now. (That's a hard one for me too, though)

I know we don't know each other well, but I think of you and pray for you often, and you've been on our "list" at Simpson!

Love, Vonnie

mary said...

The fact that you see that you are NOT in control is a major deal. You are trusting that this is God's journey, painful or not. If you were in control you wouldn't go down this path. God has plans for this journey. Hang in there sweetheart, it won't be easy but God has promised His glory. YOu are as always in my prayers

mary said...

The fact that you see that you are NOT in control is a major deal. You are trusting that this is God's journey, painful or not. If you were in control you wouldn't go down this path. God has plans for this journey. Hang in there sweetheart, it won't be easy but God has promised His glory. YOu are as always in my prayers

Annie said...

I really can't add anything more to what's already been said here. Sheesh, I can't lose weight, keep the house clean for more than 2 minutes or sleep through the night - and I'm not even dealing with a husband with cancer!!! So don't be so hard on yourself....easy to say, hard to do, right? Know that you are always in my thoughts and in my prayers.

Rich Kirkpatrick said...

Sounds like a psalm to me... so it is good to hear how you are doing with God and yourself in all of this. It makes me even more so say that you and your family are heroes to me and mine!! We love you guys.

Amy Culp said...

I love the honesty here.....you are a strong woman and are a great inspiration to me. I pray for you guys often:)

West Coast Scrapper said...

OH Kristyn how we should be close friends; you have no idea how you are bloggin my life. I was the stay at home mom...finally feeling like life was on track (my husband finally having a stable, good job). Literally in an instant...gone. I suddenly had to become the head of the house. I had to work 3 jobs to bring in half of his income (which irks me since I went to college and he didn't), doing a majority of the chores and then taking care of him and his illness. You say that this isn't the role for you....and you say you aren't living the role God has called to. You have taken on a new role and of course you aren't going to do it perfect in the beginning...you are doing what God has called you to do for now. How do you think you have made it this far?...he's given you the opportunities, people in your life, strength to pursue this "calling" right now. Don't ever doubt that what you are doing right now is not important. You are extremely important and successful right now. Earning less, not doing chores to your standards, missing time with your kids; does not measure your success. Your diligence in striving to provide and keep your mind in positive spirits is your success! You may feel old and run down right now (which you are NOT!), but you really have so much more life to live and so much more time to do the things that you feel you are called to.
I really want you to understand how important you are to your family right now...even if you don't feel like you are filling the proper role.
i can't lose weight, keep the house clean or sleep at night either....after a year, I let it go...I finally focused on what I was doing and realizing how much I was accomplishing under my circumstances.
I hope my words came as an encouragement...I really want to set your mind at ease and for you to realize you can't do it all and especially do it all perfect. Let Go and let God (easier said then done)

Lisa Bentrim

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