Tuesday, May 19, 2009

true feelings, or lack there of...

i woke up this morning wanting to enjoy the day. it's great weather, randy's back at work, kids are almost done at school, so i should feel overwhelmed with joy, right? in reality i woke up not able to feel a thing. i'm learning that your body has a defensive mechanism that actually numbs you from feeling anything if you push it all away for long enough. i have put up walls for so long when i feel the threat of pain coming on, that now i can't feel joy or pain. that's a crappy feeling. i would almost take pain if it meant i felt alive again. at least i know that when i feel pain and sorrow, God is there with me holding my hand. i want to feel SOMETHING again, something to tell me i'm alive. i guess my choice for today is just not to react. i won't go looking for hurt, i'm sure enough of it is on it's way. i do pray that God breaths some joy back into our life again. i promise to be on the lookout for the blessings He gives us daily. i know they are there, i just have to pull my head out of my butt long enough to see them. biggest lesson to myself: walls damage more than they protect...

2 comments:

Teresa said...

what your describing is actually a bit of depression- which is obviously understandable. keep talking, letting it out and you're right, let down the walls, at least a little. Breathe

karen said...

You burden is heavy. Even as Christians, we are human & we hurt. Own your feelings and rely on Him to help you through the many concerns that are part of your life.

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