...

 i am so happy that God has allowed me to walk this path, even though it may not be exactly what He wanted, and this is the reason... when we have it all together, when we obey all the rules, we aren't needing God in such a desperate way. when we are "perfect" we tend to view those who aren't rule followers as sinners and not worthy of God’s love. i fell victim to this. i am sad at the judgment i bestowed upon others in my past. i love that God loves me enough to allow me to walk in their shoes so i can see the rest of the world as He sees them, and show them the love and acceptance that i so desperately crave right now. society tells me to go hide my face from God in shame, but HE tells me to look up so he can wipe my tears and let me see the love He has for me. being a mom, i can understand that. life has natural consequences, but as a mom, my job is to hold them and love them anyways, especially when they mess up. that's when we need to be held the most. i kinda think God likes it when we need Him as twisted as that may sound. i hate it when my kids are sick, but damn it if that's not when i get to cuddle with them the most.

Jesus understood the broken, because he walked in their shoes. He was hungry, dusty and thirsty. He was scared, deceived and despised. i have been all of these things. the other thing we have in common: God loves us both the same. i will never be able to redeem the whole world like He did, but i will die trying to save those that God gives me to love. in this case, this baby might just grow up to change the word! and as for me and mine "we will never be ashamed".

my favorite verse, once again, "we rejoice in our sufferings knowing that suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, character produces hope. and hope does not disappoint us because of the love that God poured into our hearts through the Holy spirit". Romans 5: 3-5. i will never let go of the hope of a life spent with Christ. i am just fine suffering and being held by God, because if that's where i am at, and people want to see me, they will see Him too!

              

i suppose i can catch up on this blog...

It's been almost 3 1/2 months since i've written. not sure what that means. i usually write when i have more to say than i can get out in a day and it just overflows onto the blog. sometimes i write because i'm feeling overwhelmed, sad or just feel the need to update others of what's going on in the miller household. today, i just simply want to give my self a starting point so i can continue writing again.

state of the family: excited for Molly. we are 3 months away from holding, loving, kissing and spoiling her. the crib is ready for her. she has diapers and a couple of new outfits and more shoes than i have in my collection. i have a feeling she's going to turn this house completely upside down with her presence. we wouldn't have it any other way.

since July, Me, Conor and Gillian have gone to Hawaii, started school and made it through 2/3 of a pregnancy without any hiccups. Robb is now 16 and able to get his licence. GULP! God help us. :) Conor is being home schooled. Gillian is owning the 5th grade. Jim is working his a$$ off to make sure the house runs smoothly, and i'm just trying to keep up. since pictures speak volumes, here's a few i've collected from the last few months:

Hawaii and henna tattoos

The pups, Conor testing out dad's bow and Robb's first day of school.

Baby Molly, Jim realizing Molly comes with pink stuff and us at the punkin patch

It's been busy, fun and trying at times but the love in this house keeps growing, just like my belly and we are loving every moment of it!

what a nice day

It's been way too long since Jim and I have had down time TOGETHER. Today, one by one the kiddos went off to various family members houses for sleepovers, so we have found ourselves on unfamiliar ground of being alone, together. So far, our day has consisted of lunch at Round Table, where we got to order grown up pizza's, eat a salad without anyone looking at us in disgust, and we both colored a picture... with crayons... lol. there was no one there asking for quarters for games or rushing us out the door because they were bored. Next, we walked through the baby and tool section at sears, walked through the rest of the mall like teenagers, got our samples at See's candy, and looked for a game at the game store. (which they didn't have. bummer). We made our way home, without melting completely, and are now hanging out in a quiet living room, watching Michael Buble' and Daves Matthews Band on HD, and deciding what to do with the rest of our night. sigh. what to do? what to do? i know it WILL end with us getting to sleep IN!!! Happy Fourth of July weekend folks.

so far this pregnancy ROCKS!

i really don't want to jinx myself by saying that i haven't been going through morning sickness, but at this point, when i was pregnant with Conor and Gillian, i was throwing up every 30 minutes around the clock for 2 months strait. so far, nada. just a little queezy when i smelt something a little off, but that's it. we're sitting right around 7 weeks, and i am full of energy. i walk with mom and the kids and little dogs 5 days a week. i drink mostly water all day long. my skin looks healthy because of all the hydration.my hair is growing faster thanks to the vitamins. the only drawback is the peeing every 5 minutes and giving up the yummy tastey beverages that could harm the baby. i am so happy at the moment.

i was looking for a dr for about a day, then decided to look into using the midwife that my neighbor has used 4 times, and we meet with her next week. i have always wanted to have a home birth, so maybe this will work out. i trust Deva fully. and to anyone who is concerned, an ambulance is always on alert when a homebirth is going on, just in case. i didn't have any complications before so i say we give it a shot. (by that i mean there will be a shot of whiskey waiting for me on my night stand for as soon as the cord is cut! lol) not kidding BTW. if hospital babies can handle all the drugs given to mom during labor, this one can certainly handle a little bit of whiskey.

lets just hope we're not haveing TWINS!!!

AAAHHHHH! guess what?????

We're having a baby!!!! SQUEAL!

book time

so today, i finally purchased my very own laptop. this is going to go a long way to helping me write the book that i feel called to write. (not to mention the bunches of you who keep telling me to write one) now, do i come up with a title first or just start writing and wait for the name to come to me later? hmmmm, we shall see. for today, i will work on getting the software i need to make my job a little easier. wish me luck!

Family

As you can see by my newly remodeled page, my family has grown by a few new faces. I love each of them so much. Each person in our circle has something to give. Something unique. Something special that no one else but them could bring to the table. Most of the time i just sit back and watch in awe of the gifts that they are. Conor makes me laugh. It's not his jokes, but HIS laugh that gets me to giggling. There's something contagious about his happiness that I can't defend against. Gillian, well, she's just the princess and has 3 boys in this house that dote over her. Anyone who knows her, knows that she is a happy camper because of it. She just spends her day playing music, being an amazing student and my little diva. Robb is just an amazing teenager who never looses. Not in games, arguments or any other social situation. He keeps music in this house and keeps me on my toes and a smile on my face.

 Jim keeps me grounded, focused and safe. I have been able to put my anxiety medication on the shelf. I have seen a new side of life through his eyes. He's taught me how to let go of stupid things that don't matter and give myself a break every once in awhile. He's saved me a lot of money from going to a psychiatrist. LOL Without these two men being in our lives, i would probably be rocking in a corner somewhere and being afraid to let my kids leave my sight.

Roxy and Tuesday

Our first family picture

Conor has Robb to teach him courage and how to not take himself too seriously. With Robb, Gillian has found her male equal. Good Lord, give me strength. I am thankful he absorbs some of her energy for me though. Tuesday and Roxy are inseparable. They are yin and yang, BFF's and the babies of the house. I think, between the two of them, they have more clothes than Gillian!

The 3 Weaver men

I am looking forward to summertime with the kids home and no homework!!!! We went on our first family vacation together last month, and it was EPIC. Nothing like the ocean to draw us closer together. I even got to meet Jim's parents. I love them already. Hoping to head back over to the coast next month to spend some more time with them for Fathers day. 

I am so thankful to the support system that we have, thankful to God for the gifts He gives us daily, the beauty He fills our lives with and the love that no one can take away.

grieving is such a confusing process

there is no rule book. there are a lot of books telling you how you SHOULD grieve, but no one has been through the same exact situation and has been left with the same exact life to live afterwards, so the books should all be thrown into a pile and burned. yes, i understand i am not the first widow with little kids left behind. i actually have 2 very good friends my age going through the same thing, but it's still very different. the kids are different people. us women are all different. our family and friends are different. our financial situations are different. our knowledge of different parts of household maintainence is different...

i was shocked and angry at myself the other day for being angry at Randy. who can be mad at Randy for one, and two, who can be mad at a dead guy??? seriously! it was time to get the yard in order for the summer and all i could be mad at is the fact that the sprinkler system is broken. i was mad that he wan't here to fix it or fix it before he died. (like he just left to go on tour and didn't finish his chores first) can we say misplaced anger?!?!? ugh. THIS sucks! what started out as a day working in the yard, turned into a week of suppressed anger at FN cancer, and ended up with me bawling in the truck because every other little thing that Randy used to do for the me and the kids, he's not here to do, and i have no idea how to do it. the fence is broken, the sprinklers are broken, the math whiz of the house is gone so Conor has no help with homework and is failing. UGH!!! on the very bright side, there is a lot of love, support and laughter in this house again and that trumps all the crap that is threatening to take me out.

aahhh. i feel better. judge me if you will for feeling this way, but then go thank your spouse for all that they do for you. and women, learn a thing or two about "guy things" just in case. jus sayin.

Gardening

i suck at it, but i now see my mistakes, and i plan on fixing it. this is gonna make a few of you guys cringe, those of you who's garden flourishes year after year, but i'm hoping that i can learn from some of you and do better next time.

so, every year, when i pot my flowers or herbs in the pots, i add some little stones to it to help

with drainage. i THOUGHT that i was doing the right thing at the time. come to find out, when the Redding temps heat up, those stones get hot and actually cook the roots, which in turn, kills the plants. this is actually true in our bodies too. when we have

stones in our "soil", nothing will grow, or stay alive for very long. the hardest thing to do is to sift through the dirt, pluck out the rocks and trust that God will drain all excess water away so that we don't drown.

I know that none of this probably makes sense to anyone, but it does to me, and that's why I write this blog. some of my posts are just to keep everyone up to date, but some of them are for me, as reminders of how much God loves me, even when i screw up. His love is so deep for us that He will constantly sift through my dirt until all the weeds and rocks are gone. He is way more diligent at it than i am. This year, no rocks in my garden!!!

Black thread...

life for me has never really been what i would consider easy, but it hasn't been as bad as some either. i have buried my best friend, father and husband, but not a child. i have had a few health issues, but am still alive. i have over indulged with food, alcohol and laziness, but i love veggies water and exercise as well. i have lost a lot of friends along the way, but keep meeting new and interesting people everyday to fill the gap. i have been overweight and depressed, and skinny but HUNGRY. i have known love, lost love, and found it again. i have said "goodbye" forever and "welcome back" to people in the SAME DAY! i have cried when i'm happy and laughed when angry. turned away when i should have helped, helped when i should have taught. i can only imagine how i look to people on the outside who don't truly know who i am. i love the example of the backside of a tapestry. from the back, i look messy, mixed up and confusing. God has used a lot of black thread to create my tapestry, but i think the next color is going to be bright and beautiful. what God sees from the front of my tapestry is a hint of black. it's not the main color. it is only the background to which He builds the rest of life's colors onto. when He created the earth, he started with dirt, THEN added flowers, trees, grass... a sunrise is beautiful because our eyes have been accustomed to the darkness. i know that there will still be some sunsets in my life. we can't close our eyes and pretend that the sun won't set, but we CAN have a couple of candles ready to help guide us through the darkness. my candles are my friends, family and pastors. thank goodness God created light in my life!

so to stay positive...

i have an opportunity to begin again, anew. instead of saying i am now unemployed, i can say i am available to accept a new position at a new business. i have 5 offers at the moment, so i will pray about it and make the right choice for what works for my family. i still feel God calling me out to follow a dream or two. at this point in my life, i have a feeling that my dream job is one that involves me being my OWN boss. one thing i have learned from working for someone else is that i am a leader, not a follower. that is how I was created. i am thankful that God is always there standing behind me and calling me out.

when everything seems dark, He is there. this has been a pretty dark week too, i'm not gonna lie. the veil has been pulled back and peoples true thoughts of me have been revealed. on paper, i look like an emotional, hot headed... weak woman, but in reality, i have never been stronger. don't let my tears fool you. nothing worth it's weight in gold comes easy. life reminds me a little of childbirth. it hurts like hell, feels like the end of the world at times, but then in the end you have a sweet baby in your arms and the pain fades away in the background. i'm patiently awaiting the end of this painful period in my life. i do have a handful of friends to help keep me focused. i have a family that loves me no matter what. i even have two little doggies who try to lick my tears off my face when i come home broken.

it's funny the way life works out. i am going to hold tight to the people i love. i will stand in my truth. and i will never question God about "why" things happen, because the answer will always be the same. He brings all things together for my good. He turns up the heat if i don't seem to be listening. I am free to make my own choices, but He is faithful enough to shine the light on what He feels is right for me. it's like He says, "kristyn, see the light? go get it". i could choose to walk the other way, but let me tell ya, it feels pretty damn good to choose what's right, even if making that choice is super hard. in life, you can't phone it in. you have to get out there, do the hard things and push yourself to be better. i actually like the pain because it reminds me i'm alive and that if it hurts, its probably the right choice!

it comes in three's... always in threes...

really??? this morning, after juggling my schedule to make sure i can possibly go into work for a couple hours to help, and be able to keep other commitments, i had to make sure i was home in time to meet with AT&T since our internet went down. yet on the way to one of my commitments, my truck breaks down. awesome. thanks for that. so i pulled into Holiday and turned the truck off, ran down my list of people to call, (and it has NEVER had the word "auto shop" on it) i was once again aware of how it feels to not have a husband who HAS to come help. so scratch that name off the list. next name, Tommy. called, he's in Tahoe. gives me advice, then i make the next call. The next person is up to his eye balls with work. I really don't want to call Jim at work, but at this point, i have to eat crow and make the call.... he's stuck at work. crap. make another call, got hung up on. awesome again. thanks for THAT! follow up on Tommy's advice and call his brother Kenny. Him and sweet Mandi show up to listen and lend some support. (plus i got my baby fix with Kolae). They follow me home, parked the disabled truck, and then drop me off at Jim's work so i can borrow his car. I run the rest of my errands, come home in time to pay AT&T $60 to fix a 50 cent part, of course, then began unpacking boxes to move back into the house we can't seem to move out of. THEN Gillian comes home with a migraine and pukes a few times. ONCE AGAIN... AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am so disappointed in myself. i have been humbled today. i thought i had stuff handled, but the first moment that something, or 3 things break, i have to call in the army to help. i feel like such a girl. i know i am one, but i can't afford to be "just a helpless girl" at this point in my life. i hate asking for help, but asking for help and running into brick walls is even worse. i am very thankful that Aaron will be able to fix it, and Jim is willing to share his car for a few days...

i am going to lick my wounds tonight, then make a new list of who to call "in the case of emergencies". it's a short list, but when i have those few, i don't need anyone else. thanks guys. and thank you mom and sis for the moral support. you keep me grounded and i need that. love love love!

and P.S.~ i also got pulled over that night for going tooooooo sllooooooowwwwww on the freeway. perfect way to end the day.

aaahhh. peace

so, as i sit here, at this very moment, i can say i feel peaceful. no drama. no sickness. no pain. NO MOVING! i look at the unnecessary packing as getting a head start on spring cleaning. all i have to do today is shower, make snacks and drinks to share with some very missed family, and go hang out and chill. Really? is this a dream??? DON'T WAKE ME!

lol. i am so happy. there are still a few people who are giving me some heartache over some good decisions i've made, but oh well. my main focus is to make sure the kids are happy, everything has a balance between fun and work, and my mind, spirit and emotions are healthy. it's amazing how easy that is to do when your mind is in alignment with God and you have someone to love you.

i am very thankful for our counseling appointments with Ty. she has been a huge rock for us through all of the heartache. it's amazing how one person can change your life in such a profound way. Thank you for that Ty.

there is so much to look forward to. sunshine, bbq's, pool parties, family time, SUMMER VACATION PLEASE??? (half way done with school, thank you LORD!) i just feel beyond blessed. the majority of the people who have been in our lives for years, are still around PLUS i am so happy to be meeting up with old friends from high school, and getting to know some of his friends too. all great people. new perspectives, positive loving people. LOVE IT! see??? happy.

have a great sunday friends. love to you all!!! ♥♥♥

new year. new direction. STILL... a great God!

I am a little taken back by all of the changes that we have gone through this last year. We have been on a really crazy roller coaster. last christmas time, Randy and i were in Hawaii. March was our last family vacation to L.A. Randy battled out the year, finished chemo, did radiation, NEXAVAR, special diets, then we had to say good bye almost 2 months ago now. wow. so now as i sit here and look around, there are boxes everywhere, so much to do, but what it means to me, is a new beginning. not that i'm in a hurry to leave my old life behind, but God has a way of spurring His children on towards the life He has chosen for us. I know that Randy wouldn't want us to sit here and mourn the life we had. we will never forget all of the good times we had. it's fun to look at pictures and laugh, but time keeps ticking, and we need to make new memories.

by the end of this month, we should be all moved into our new place. it's an upgrade which i didn't expect at this point, but true to form, God is sooooo sooooo good to us. i am working part time still. kids are halfway done with school. is that right? oh my word. time flies. me and the kids get to go to hawaii in july. looking forward to that. i have reconnected with a lot of friends from high school, and met a few new ones. AND, we have a couple of really great guys in our lives. father and son... and doggie too. like i said, new beginnings.

life has done a complete 180. its amazing to see just how God brings beauty from ashes. this is not where i expected to be at this point , BUT I'LL TAKE IT! being happy and loved is a good place to be.

i pray that all of you have a very good year! i can't wait to see where this year leads us. lots of fun on the horizon. lots of work to be done too, but that is a good thing. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

12 days of Christmas!

some one or some bodies, are loving the Miller's this year.

so far we've had 4 days of christmas and it has become the highlight of our day.

day 1, our neighbor handed us a bag, and said she didn't know who it was from. it was filled with candy and a movie gift card. i looked at her like, what the heck? how can u not know who this is from??? she just simply said, read the card again.... "on the first day of christmas..." hmmm. ok. so cool.

the next morning, there were 2 candlesticks on our door step. "on the second day of christmas..." oooohhh ok, i am getting this.

"on the 3rd day of christmas: 3 gift cards. Conor=game stop, Gillian=target, me= Victoria SECRET!

"on the 4th day of christmas: 4 pairs of socks, (i got 2 haha) and "everything we need for a cozy night at home". (yummy goodies)

so to be able to thank whomever this is that's doing this, since you are so sneaky, hopefully you read my blog and see the joy you are bringing us this year. THANK YOU!!!! and Merry Christmas!

(i'll comment with the rest of the days as we go.) so amazing!!!

day 5: chucky cheese tokens and a pizza gift card

day 6: 6 jamba juice cards

day 7: a BUNCH of cool stuff to do with the family

day 8: ginger bread house, ginger bread man, a beautiful tree etc...

day 9: angel , picture frame, yummys

oh man.... REALLY???

i promised myself to wait til morning to write this so that i was level headed and not just reacting out of hurt. guess what? it's morning...

how to begin... how's about i start with the bad and end this on a good note...

i feel i must state the obvious first. Randy got cancer 2 years, 2 months and 2 weeks ago. i feel i have to remind everyone that i haven't forgotten that. me and the kids lived it every moment of every day! we grieved, we hoped, we prayed, we grieved some more. we drew close to each other, we drew close to God, to our friends. we received so much love and support it was overwhelming at times. randy and i talked all the time, and those closest to him, knows how he was when he started to talk. he's was encouraging, inspiring, brutally honest and had a 10 point presentation to follow it all up. then it was: "repeat repeat repeat" until you really understood what he was trying to say. no one will ever know the conversations we had about family, God, our future, what he wanted my life to look like when he was gone. all you know are the conversations YOU had with him on whatever subject came up. so i can pretty much guarantee that not one person reading this had the actual conversation with him that i will be discussing in a moment. (not that it's anyones business, but i need to know where i stand in people's lives, so i know which direction to head in).

topic: me falling in love again

Randy: "kris, you will love again, you will catch sh** from people for it, but you will love again and deserve to be loved, so you just have to let it happen and not put up walls". i kept telling him that wasn't a conversation i was willing to have with him because he was still here, in my arms. it's not just weird, but my heart was not in a position to love anyone else. his biggest request was that i put the kids first (duh) and listen to my heart when i felt it was time to love again. it was a very one sided conversation because i just listened and internally grieved the fact that our marriage was ending and not by choice, and in the end he would be gone. the man that i gave my heart to, had children with and planned a future with passed away into God's arms and out of mine.

just in case anyone reading this hasn't attended a wedding, there is a line in there that says "til death do us part". if you were married and had to eat those words because the person you told that to actually did die, then i am sorry for your loss, and i hope that you had the opportunity to have the conversations with your spouse that i had with mine. i know how he felt, i know what he wanted and i know the promise i made to him. i just didn't think that it would all go down so soon...

~side note (again) if you are reading this and are appalled with anything that i am saying, i hope that you do one of 2 things: pray about it and let God speak to your heart or quietly unfriend me on facebook, go live your own life, make your own decisions and let me live my own. thank you very much.

now that that is out of the way, on to the good stuff. since some of you have asked and prayed for me to be happy. well, guess what. I am. i have been given a gift from God to be happy. in the darkest of times, God says he will be a "lamp upon my feet". He will "show us the way". ETC ETC ETC. there are so many verses that I could quote, but since i'm not here to sell you on my relationship with God, i will just simply say: i believe in His word. i was put on a path a long time ago, before i was even born, and i am walking it beside Him. i am praying, talking, crying, all while being held by God. He doesn't let us go too far astray without directing us back to the path, so we can continue on with the work He has for us. Randy died. it was a real dark time, so it was a time that i drew closer to God and felt Him more than ever. it's hard to go astray when being carried by your maker because you can't put one foot in front of the other. He won't take a step in any direction that wasn't right. not even one inch in the wrong way. He can't. at some point, He sets us down, helps us get our footing again, and shines the light in the direction we are to go. one morning i looked up, and there was another set of footprints joining up with mine. for me, they were familiar footsteps. i recognized them to be the footsteps i crossed paths with in high school. thought to myself "hmmm, well, alrighty then". as i kept taking each new step, i realized that I wasn't taking a step off the path. not one. the other set of footprints kept walking next to mine, even helped me slow the pace a little. just as i am not here to sell you on my relationship with God, i am also not going to sell you on this beautiful relationship i am in. me him, the kids (who LOVE HIM) are in it. God is there in the middle of it all.

i knew my circle of friends would change once Randy passed. my mom warned me to not take it personally, but it still hurts to be un-invited to a function, because i am no longer Randy's wife, and choosing to do what Randy told me to do in the first place, and that was to be happy. i think it's comical that people would rather me sit home alone, be sad, lonely and depressed, KNOWING the man randy was. HE IS STILL HERE. no one has forgotten. the kids and I are doing all of this TOGETHER and all of it is right. no red flags, no bells going off in my head telling me to stop. not ONE! not even from my baby girl who tends to try to be my "boss", is more than happy with ALL OF THIS! the people who are closest to me, who's opinions actually count, are happy to see me happy. they know that i have grieved for 2 years, 2 months and 2 weeks! at some point you have to ask yourself when enough is enough. the grief isn't over. i will always love randy. always, and no one is asking me to stop. no one is asking me to take down pictures of our family, to put the humidor away, to get over it. it's quite the opposite actually.

i am taking each day in stride, trusting in my God, my heart and my soul where to go next. i fully expect my facebook "friends" to be cut in half, since a lot of them were Randy's friends, and not mine. i will not delete anyone. if you want to stay in my life, GREAT! if not, well thanks for stopping by...

♥

so...it's not the holidays that hurt..

it's the days after. being with all of our family on thanksgiving was WONDERFUL, it's the quiet times after we say goodbye that really sucks. "black friday" was spent going back to moms and hanging out, decorating. it was a great time. today, bowling, then spending the night with my mom and sis out in cottonwood. i can keep myself super busy, and keep from being alone, but all i end up with is being worn out and eventually still have to come home to face reality.

school starts again in two days, and i have the option to find someone to hang out with and stay busy, or stay home, lock the door and start going through all of our stuff, packing and preparing to move. oh yeah, and look for a place to move. that process will have to start sometime. seeings how i'm a "rip the band aid off quick" kind of girl, i am thinking Monday will be a day for xanax, tissues and locking the door. waking up to reality is BS most of the time if you're honest with your self.

*a side note to the few that have said i need to move on past the anger stage into acceptance and move on with my life...hasn't had to loose their husband 3 weeks before the holidays, your birthday and sick kids all at once. (plus you're probably not reading this, you just go off of my status on Facebook, and may not even understand or cared to ask what happened at that very moment i posted something), I am NOT mad at God! i am BROKEN HEARTED! the anger comes out when you try to go get something out of the garage so you can go on a tree run with the kids, but need all the snow gear, and all you can see in front of you are things you can't reach, or all of the things that were his, because the garage was him domain. or trying to find that one "part" you need and he's the only one who knew where it was. so yeah, if you REALLY want to see me angry, keep writing my emails telling me how to better handle my emotions.

~for the rest of you who actually have gone through a loss or have grieved right along with us these last two years, thank you for being supportive and letting me vent. i don't plan on being in the anger/depressed stage forever, and allowing me to get out how i feel really does help me get to the "ok" stage a little faster.

live for the here and now!

a FEW people over the last couple of weeks have given advice on how to cope with loosing a spouse. there are some that makes sense and some that just isn't me, but this is one thing that started a whole conversation, that really got me to thinking about life in general.

"just keep your eyes fixed on heaven, you'll be with him soon".

very sweet and very true, but if i find it's hard to do my work here on earth, if i'm always looking up. God put me here for a reason. i am not supposed to be in heaven right now. God separated heaven and earth, numbered our days, and then put us in the game. if a player is out on the field, constantly yearning to be on the sidelines, he's gonna get bowled over!

it's also like when you're a kid, counting the days until you're an adult, and trying to be older than you really are, you miss out on being a kid. why would i want to fast forward through my life, that's already going too fast? i need time to finish my task here on earth.

our spirits have a natural reaction to fight to stay here. i saw my superman do that for weeks. that drive is God given. He did not place in me a faint heart, too afraid to live life with boldness. He did however leave a hole in my heart that only He can fill. looking at the sky is not going to fill that. reading His word, loving His children, and fighting hard for what He stands for, fills that hole enough, until He heals it WHEN i get to heaven. i know that i will get there someday, but just like going on vacation, you don't start packing in December if you're not leaving til June. there's work to be done first, or else you won't even be able to afford the trip!

live your life in such a way that you don't leave this life empty handed. God won't mind if you bring a few extra guests with you. the more the merrier!

our new norm...

to be honest, it has been nice to get back to some sort of normalcy. the kids are back in school. i started work on Monday. my mind can rest knowing Randy is out of pain. our hearts are still breaking. little things sneak up on us that take us back to reality, but all and all, we are surviving after our world has been turned upside down.

i can not explain to anyone that hasn't been here for the ending, how in the world we are doing this. day by day, hour by hour? yeah, but it's more than that. now that his body has released his spirit inside, it's almost like he's all around us, all the time. i guarantee that he was partying with us last saturday. i know he rocked out to the songs, enjoyed seeing pictures of him with his friends and family, maybe even realized how handsome he really was... i hope he is able to see things through the eyes of God now.

me and the kidletts have embarked on a new life, learning how to cope with the hole in our chests. we miss him terribly and half expect him to come walking around the corner any moment. only through God can we make it through, but we are holding on the the promise that He WILL get us through. He always has. i just have to either keep having people over for dinner so i still get to cook good food and have a real reason to go to the grocery store, OR learn to like the stuff the kids choose to eat. cooking for one is no fun.

i plan on uploading the slideshow from his party sometime this weekend when i figure out how to do it. it's about 45 minutes long, but i know some of you have asked to see it, so i will try.

LoVE

i feel it.

i feel it with the food.

i feel it with the flowers.

i feel it in the hugs, tears, laughter...

i am blessed to have so many amazing people in my life.

tomorrow will be a week.

tomorrow, we receive Randy's body back, in a new form.

the kids are excited. i'm nervous.

how am i going to react to have my husband... in a box.

granted, the box is a kick a** humidor i bought him for a special occasion years ago, and has been a part of this household for years, but still. how can one amazing man like Randy, fit in a box???

weird.

for tonight, i will focus on the here and now. my kids, family, friends, roxy. (roxy would be mad that i put her last. shhhh. don't tell her)

anyways... love is the order of the day. i want to share it with all of you.

I LOVE YOU!

there.

goodnight.