uh, Hi. Remember me?

i don't know what happened. I sat down to blog and realized it has been almost a month. hmm. sorry.

i guess i haven't had a lot of time to sit and write. i have a hard time trying to focus when the kids are up. today, i woke up early, made some coffee and wanted to try to get some words down before they woke up. yeah, right! It's Sunday. why don't we all get up at 6am? ooops. i sound a little grouchy. time to refocus. (deep breath)

so a lot has changed in a month. I wish i had good news, but the way the chips have fallen, the bad might just outweigh the good. As we sit today, or at least last night as of 10 ish, Randy is getting his butt kicked more and more. The pills he is taking has completely wrecked his body. He isn't QUITE bed ridden, but it's hard to motivate yourself to get up when walking is excruciating. 3 days ago, he called it quits on the pills. Not worth the pain. Plus, we're pretty sure they're not working considering that he has a new lump on his side that has more that has doubled in size in a month. Not sure yet if it's actually cancer. but if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...

His first Dr.s appointment in months, is on September 28th, my sister's birthday. By then, I hope Randy has made up his mind on whether to scan or not. Between you and me, I don't need to look at a scan to know what's going on. I can look at him and tell you. I won't though, because I'm not a Dr. and I might just be feeling a little pessimistic today. Certainly not enough to make a proper diagnosis. I have seen a man who can endure all things physical with a smile on his face, become unable to walk to the bathroom without grimacing. In the matter of 2 weeks, he has gone from doing all of the grocery shopping and cooking, to not even be able to walk to the truck. That in and of itself SUCKS!!! He was able to watch Gillian run her first cross country race though last Thursday. Just walking from the truck, to the starting line and back, put him in bed for 3 days now.

Is there still hope? Hope isn't something that ANYONE can take away from us. No matter what the Dr's say, or how awful he feels, or how little he is able to do anymore, there is still hope. Our God is a God of wonder, strength and pure love. He has allowed Randy this cross to bare, and has promised to be right beside him the whole way. He has given this family the ability to persevere in a really crappy time. If the kids can still go to school with their hearts broken, and still function, then I can honestly say, they will be able to handle a lot in their lives. That concept breaks my heart though, because I have learned 1 thing in life in regards to trail: God is using them to make us stronger, so we can deal with the next level of pain coming our way. Case in point: In high school, a friend from my cheer leading squad died with her sister, a year later, my best friend and her brother, sister and fiancée', 6 months later, my ex-boyfriend, 6 months later, my dad... then aunts uncles, grandparents, etc... fast forward to now, well, you see the pattern. I so do not wish more pain for my children. I know it's coming though. Life has a way of making you wish for heaven to come quick.

I am going to end this blog now, since the sun has come up enough for me to see some storm clouds heading our way. (the kind of storms i like). I am going to take my cup of coffee outside with a blanket, perhaps a book, and go spend some quiet time with God. Happy Sunday!

time's running out!

wait. didn't mean the title to be so dramatic. i mean, fall is on it's way and i have more sun to absorb before the cold mornings and even colder night descend upon us.

i LOVE the sun. i love getting a tan. i love the feeling of slipping into the cool pool after laying on a lounge chair for 30 minutes until i can't take the heat anymore and sweat is starting to bead up on my brow, and the cold beer is not quite cutting it anymore. that feeling sends a rush through my body and i thank God every time for a reprieve from the Redding heat.

that said: FALL IS MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR! i love the smell of pumkin candles, apple pie in the oven and wearing a cozy sweatshirt as i drink my hot cup of coffee and watch the news, in my pj's. granted, that will be a weekend thing since i'm at work at 7am during the weekdays, but it's something fun to look forward to. that and football. i. love. football. football, beer and nachos. i love the moment that what's his name starts singing the "monday night football song". it's like the church bells calling us to church. when Hank Williams Jr. starts, we all grab our drinks, snacks and good attitudes and sit our butts on the couch and just forget life for a few hours. doesn't matter who's playing. it's our fun time.

CAN'T WAIT!

me time

i need it so much. i happen to have today off. a 3 day weekend before the kids go back to school. an end to a pretty tough week. an opportunity to take a deep breath. a quiet morning with me and my coffee, until the crew wakes up and my day really begins. there is so much bouncing around in my head, that i'm afraid that i won't have time to get it all down. (yep, here come the kids. let's see if they pretend i'm not here)

so..... got yet another speeding ticket on sunday that i plan on going to court for, since it was an issue of saving me and 3 other cars a 4 car pile up, yet the officer decided that he was right, of course, so i get to go back to Eureka again soon. that was followed up with my sweet son locking the keys in the truck with it still running. at least we were back in town and i was able to be bailed out. my poor husband must have been scratching his head THAT day as his wife hit two out of the park in one day.

most of the work week went well. i feel like i'm finally getting into a nice groove. i've learned and retained tons, enough to work independently most of the time. i work with great people. it is like gaining a new family. there's lots to learn about "living" with 3 new people. i realize that i spend lots more time with them than i do with my family at home. thank goodness they are good natured people. i am confident all of the little hiccups will be ironed out over time. the hardest part is trying to balance my completely crazy, dramatic, ever changing family at home, AND try to be in work mode for 8 hours strait. maybe i should try to schedule more lunch breaks in my day...

(oh, the kids know i'm here. conor just told me a funny joke. time's running out)

all in all, life gets hard sometimes. well, for us, a lot. there is just a lot of crazy that surrounds us. as my brother in law says, "crazy makes you crazy". i would love to prove him wrong, but i have a gut feeling that he's right. after all, what made them crazy to begin with.... crazy people in their life? probably. there is a poem that Randy read to me yesterday before work, that i'll post later, or on facebook, but it is mostly about a boy that has to learn to just keep getting up after he falls, as he's trying to win a race. that is almost impossible to do a lot of the time, when people are wanting to keep you down, but through encouraging words from people, it IS possible to put one foot in front of the other and just keep walking. i've learned this week that i don't have the strength in me alone, BUT God has put people along my path that are cheering me on, so that even if i don't win the race, i will at least cross the finish line and will celebrate with me in the end. i am so very thankful for the people on the sidelines, and the people who are running right a long with me. they may be faster, stronger and more seasoned runners, but they have chosen to slow down their pace and teach me how to enjoy the race.

well, good morning

i am choosing to start this day out with a positive attitude. at least i'll have room to fall if the day turns out like it has been lately. i never realized how hard it was going to be going back to work full time, learning a new career, and juggling a family. i miss them so much. i have mastered not worrying about them while i'm at work, simply because if my mind's not completely focused on the task at hand, i could cut, burn, or poke myself with something sharp. i know this by personal experience. the first week was the worst, but i have slipped up and let life into my mind on occasion, and then bbbzbzbzzzz, there goes the diamond blade into my thumb... i don't like scars, so that's great motivation to not even check my phone, email or facebook while i'm at work. the drama can wait until 3.

i am a little chipper today though. even though it's thursday, it's my FRIDAY! i am taking tomorrow off to prepare for Tommy and Destiny's wedding up at Mt. Shasta. it will be nice to get out of town and enjoy a little cooler weather with lots of people we love. i pray for no worries for the bride, no stress for anyone else and absolutely NOOOO drama. i might just take earplugs and act like i care about peoples problems this weekend. wow, that sounds mean. oh well. self preservation. there shouldn't be any problems. everyone there loves each other.

well, have a GREAT weekend. mine starts in T minus 8.25 hours...

rollercoasters

well, not the good kind. last week was one of the hardest i've had in my life. not QUITE as bad as finding out randy had cancer, but it was no cake walk either. my last blog set the scene for Monday. then Tuesday came along. (it was actually a GREAT day) then Wednesday happened, and that carried into Thursday or what i like to call breakdown day. I am thankful to have the women in my life that i have to surround me and hold me up when i'm rock bottom. it helped me to get through Friday, then we got to enjoy some fun things over the weekend.

i was going to somewhat try to list the things that made me want to chew nails last week, but after thinking about it, nothing's that serious to even mention. it all worked out like it always does, and now i look back and shake my head wondering what all the tears were even about. i guess that's how life is. i know i've grown tremendously this week. growing hurts. but now i'm stronger, i have more endurance, character, hope.... this sounds so familiar. oh yeah. my favorite verse. Romans 5 3-5. at the end of all of the drama, hurt, frustration, exhaustion and pain i start this next week with my head held high, my heart fortified in Christ and money in my pocket for the first time in years. :) working hard pays off. have a great week.

i hate how i feel right now

with so many great new opportunities, randy's general good health and somewhat happy kids i should be sleeping peacefully, waking up feeling great and skipping out the door with a huge smile on my face. instead i feel toxic, stressed and nauseous. i'm super excited about my new job, but freaked out thinking that i'm going to screw something up. i already feel that sick feeling like i ruined a whole batch of stone and have to start over, setting everyone back a whole day, and it hasn't even happened yet! i know that it's just Satan getting in my head, trying to keep me living in fear, and i have to tell you, at the moment, he's doing his job well. maybe once the sun comes up, things won't seem so bad.

starting a new job is bad enough. it just so happened that Randy will be working as well today, leaving me juggling the kids instead of having peace knowing they are home safe with him. it's so hard having everything in my life change overnight. all i can do is put one foot in front of the other and go for it. i can pick up the pieces in a couple of days. i feel so unprepared. not wanting the kids to cook while i'm gone limits what they can eat, and we have limited options at the moment. i am going to go to the store i think, right now and at least get stuff for sandwiches. maybe that will take away some of the dizziness i feel, knowing they at least can eat... ugh! why can't life just be easy for a little while??? i find myself begging God for peace. what happened to my general sense of knowing everything is in His hands and will be fine? why do i always have to be going 90 miles an hour? why can't i learn to say no to things? i just want to go sleep. i want peaceful sleep. i want to have arms around me telling me everything will be just fine and not to worry. how did i end up growing up and being the one in charge??? i don't want that role. i want to go back a few years when everything was right and normal and safe. i want my babies to be babies, cuddled in my arms, safe and happy.

ok. enough grieving. time to move on, put on my game face and go push life around a little bit.

5 minutes to write

lots going on for me physically and emotionally, but i'll stick with the emotions for today. This morning, i feel like i got that swift kick in the butt i've been needing. my heart has been all over the place worrying about people, worrying about myself, my life, my future... but this morning, a simple act of my daughter seeking me out before i ran to work, made me realize that i AM worth more than services to people. I AM worthy of being loved just for being me. i've been running in circles, fighting for something, and realized, i'm the only one fighting. history teaches us to look around. if you're the only one on the battle field, you might just be fighting the wrong fight. you can call it loosing heart, giving up or whatever. i call it saving my life. (and i think my life is worth something.)