(don't worry, i will write past the sad parts)

it's days like these that the tears sneak up on you. i can blame my face being wet on the rain, or saying i just yawned or any other excuse, but the fact is, when i looked over at my daughter, and realized we were both trying to hide our tears from each other so we didn't make the other one unduly sad, we both smiled and somehow felt not quite as alone.

until today, i didn't realize how much effort Randy has been putting into this battle. I watched him go through chemo, radiation, the awful pill, loosing his hair, throwing up more than i thought humanly possible, pain than no person should have to endure... that was just half the battle. in the last two years, he has tried to teach the kids everything a dad could teach their children. For Conor: courage,

confidence, honor, respect... math, how to shoot a gun (that came naturally though) gun safety, how to guard his heart when needed. so many things. things that he should have had at least 10 more years to accomplish, but then again, raising a child never stops,

so i hear.

i looked over at Gillian this morning as we were waiting for the bus. it's a cool rainy morning.

days that Randy lives for. that started the thought process down a one way street of sadness.

i looked down and saw her her sparkly purity ring, and the tears started, for both of us. that's when the gravity of how much work Randy has put into this family over the years, and how exhausted he must be, truly hit me. The purity ring is a symbol of their commitment to one another, to stay true to herself and God until her husband

places his own ring on her finger with his own promise. an experience Randy will have to enjoy from a distance. what an amazing gift he has been able to give her though! now, to hold her to it...

so moving past the sadness, (see, told you I would) i stand in awe of the man that God has brought into our lives. if i can push past holding on so tight to the memories of who he was PHYSICALLY, i can focus on the spirit inside of him. the spirit that belongs to God, created before time, and will be waiting for us when OUR work is done. this is a man who came into this world with so much to offer that he gets to graduate early. lucky bum. :) his work on this earth touched so many people. i know that because of all of the love and support, emails, phone calls and texts we have received over these last two years. i actually had to up our cell phone package to accommodate all of them. what a problem to have!

his spiritual gift is an easy one to point out, "encourager". no one would dispute that. even if his tactics seemed a little harsh, he knew that sometimes being tough and brutally honest was the best way to break someone from the bonds of their struggles. there was a gentle side to him which i think most people saw, but let me tell ya, the times that i watched him do his thing and tell people the truth, those are the times i could see the most lasting change. he had the courage to be tough, and not just on the job site.

as our time with him here, is nearing an end, i am starting to see all of the seeds he has planted over the years start to blossom. it may be fall, but Randy can make things happen in the most impossible of times. there is something to be said for shear will and determination. his favorite quote: "never quit, find a way". i'm pretty sure he will find a way to still encourage us even from a distance. if anyone can, Randy is the one.

time to fill you in...

these last 12 days has been AWFUL! I was working up until the 15th. He was totally doing ok, considering. i came home friday afternoon, and our world turned upside down. his pain level shot through the roof. he was throwing up... a lot! by saturday, he was literally on deaths door. he... well, i'll leave out some details, but lets just say, he wasn't wanting to live anymore. at this point, we all scramble. visitors by the dozens, limited to 5 minutes or less, because that's all his stomach could handle. good byes or see ya laters depending on his relationship with said people. 6 different anti nausea drugs at a time, pain pills that would knock out a druggie on a good day. still, he was miserable. then we meet Randy J. his hospice nurse. this guy is AMAZING. a couple of days with him and he decides to try something that hasn't really been tried in the past for nausea, but it is worth the risk. it's a drug that knocks you out for surgery. his angle: to make him comfortable so he can pass in peace. little did he know, it undoubtedly has the opposite reaction on Randy. he walked out one evening as i was talking with tommy and sat down on the couch and started a full on conversation with us.

FREAKED US OUT!!!

we were talking over final preparations, and here Randy sits down, so a subject change is in order. since then, he had been 98% nausea free, sleeping pain free, and having amazing

insightful conversations with his guests. DON'T GET ME WRONG, the end is still in sight, but he will be able to let his body take the pace it wants, and allow us the gift of closure, that we were almost robbed of last week. the nurses are scratching their heads. we are laughing because we have no idea how else to react. it hasn't been without its challenges, but we will take every moment we can get from him. i plan on sharing more as we go, but thought a little update was in order.

i do want to thank everyone for the love and support that has been showered down upon us. not only do me and the kids feel it, Randy knows it too. thank you thank you thank you!

my fuzzy warm blanket

waking up this morning was a roller coaster in the matter of moments. first off, this was the first morning i woke up a little chilly. i don't like being snuggled in bed, then having to get up before the alarm to turn off the fan or turn on the heater. back in the day, it was already taken care of by Randy, who got up at 5 and had the coffee made, dogs fed, heater on...

so this morning, i woke up from a nice dream about being up in a cabin somewhere watching it snow. i remember feeling cold, which is in turn what woke me up. in the moment i pulled my blankets up around me and let my mind revert to the old way of life, i did a mental checklist:

1. why did randy not turn the heater on?

2. is he off today? it must be the weekend and he's sleeping in...

3. is he on tour? no he's right next to me... face covered up with the sheet. a sign that HE'S cold too.

4. why didn't he turn the heater on???

5. oh yeah. crap.

after turning the fan OFF, i hopped back in bed, pulled an extra blanket around me, laid there dazed, forcing myself not to think about how things used to be. i have to focus on the task at hand, and that is making him as comfortable as possible. (still haven't figured out how to do that). i guess i dozed off again, because the alarm went off, and my first reaction was to nudge him and have him get up with the kids. you know, the old game of, "it's your turn to get up with the kids"? yeah. fun game. i guess he won this one :) (bad joke, sorry)

so i got up, made coffee, woke up my babies after staring at them for awhile, not wanting to wake them from a nice dream to face reality, sat down to my blog, and found that my warm fuzzy blanket is my friends and family who love me. in this really hard time, on mornings that i wake up feeling chilled to the bone, i find warmth in the memories of my past, the time still spent with Randy, and the future that will always and forever be tied to the souls, that have filled my heart from the beginning.

i need help to blog this...

instead of writing how i "feel" about Randy dying, how 'bout i let my friends fill in the blanks...

randy is:______________

we are:_______________

God is:________________

the best way to get through this is:__________________

my friends are:_________________

(i'll take this one, AMAZING, LOYAL, SUPPORTIVE AND GODLY!)

k. let me know your thoughts, then i'll give more details later.

uh, Hi. Remember me?

i don't know what happened. I sat down to blog and realized it has been almost a month. hmm. sorry.

i guess i haven't had a lot of time to sit and write. i have a hard time trying to focus when the kids are up. today, i woke up early, made some coffee and wanted to try to get some words down before they woke up. yeah, right! It's Sunday. why don't we all get up at 6am? ooops. i sound a little grouchy. time to refocus. (deep breath)

so a lot has changed in a month. I wish i had good news, but the way the chips have fallen, the bad might just outweigh the good. As we sit today, or at least last night as of 10 ish, Randy is getting his butt kicked more and more. The pills he is taking has completely wrecked his body. He isn't QUITE bed ridden, but it's hard to motivate yourself to get up when walking is excruciating. 3 days ago, he called it quits on the pills. Not worth the pain. Plus, we're pretty sure they're not working considering that he has a new lump on his side that has more that has doubled in size in a month. Not sure yet if it's actually cancer. but if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...

His first Dr.s appointment in months, is on September 28th, my sister's birthday. By then, I hope Randy has made up his mind on whether to scan or not. Between you and me, I don't need to look at a scan to know what's going on. I can look at him and tell you. I won't though, because I'm not a Dr. and I might just be feeling a little pessimistic today. Certainly not enough to make a proper diagnosis. I have seen a man who can endure all things physical with a smile on his face, become unable to walk to the bathroom without grimacing. In the matter of 2 weeks, he has gone from doing all of the grocery shopping and cooking, to not even be able to walk to the truck. That in and of itself SUCKS!!! He was able to watch Gillian run her first cross country race though last Thursday. Just walking from the truck, to the starting line and back, put him in bed for 3 days now.

Is there still hope? Hope isn't something that ANYONE can take away from us. No matter what the Dr's say, or how awful he feels, or how little he is able to do anymore, there is still hope. Our God is a God of wonder, strength and pure love. He has allowed Randy this cross to bare, and has promised to be right beside him the whole way. He has given this family the ability to persevere in a really crappy time. If the kids can still go to school with their hearts broken, and still function, then I can honestly say, they will be able to handle a lot in their lives. That concept breaks my heart though, because I have learned 1 thing in life in regards to trail: God is using them to make us stronger, so we can deal with the next level of pain coming our way. Case in point: In high school, a friend from my cheer leading squad died with her sister, a year later, my best friend and her brother, sister and fiancée', 6 months later, my ex-boyfriend, 6 months later, my dad... then aunts uncles, grandparents, etc... fast forward to now, well, you see the pattern. I so do not wish more pain for my children. I know it's coming though. Life has a way of making you wish for heaven to come quick.

I am going to end this blog now, since the sun has come up enough for me to see some storm clouds heading our way. (the kind of storms i like). I am going to take my cup of coffee outside with a blanket, perhaps a book, and go spend some quiet time with God. Happy Sunday!

time's running out!

wait. didn't mean the title to be so dramatic. i mean, fall is on it's way and i have more sun to absorb before the cold mornings and even colder night descend upon us.

i LOVE the sun. i love getting a tan. i love the feeling of slipping into the cool pool after laying on a lounge chair for 30 minutes until i can't take the heat anymore and sweat is starting to bead up on my brow, and the cold beer is not quite cutting it anymore. that feeling sends a rush through my body and i thank God every time for a reprieve from the Redding heat.

that said: FALL IS MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR! i love the smell of pumkin candles, apple pie in the oven and wearing a cozy sweatshirt as i drink my hot cup of coffee and watch the news, in my pj's. granted, that will be a weekend thing since i'm at work at 7am during the weekdays, but it's something fun to look forward to. that and football. i. love. football. football, beer and nachos. i love the moment that what's his name starts singing the "monday night football song". it's like the church bells calling us to church. when Hank Williams Jr. starts, we all grab our drinks, snacks and good attitudes and sit our butts on the couch and just forget life for a few hours. doesn't matter who's playing. it's our fun time.

CAN'T WAIT!

me time

i need it so much. i happen to have today off. a 3 day weekend before the kids go back to school. an end to a pretty tough week. an opportunity to take a deep breath. a quiet morning with me and my coffee, until the crew wakes up and my day really begins. there is so much bouncing around in my head, that i'm afraid that i won't have time to get it all down. (yep, here come the kids. let's see if they pretend i'm not here)

so..... got yet another speeding ticket on sunday that i plan on going to court for, since it was an issue of saving me and 3 other cars a 4 car pile up, yet the officer decided that he was right, of course, so i get to go back to Eureka again soon. that was followed up with my sweet son locking the keys in the truck with it still running. at least we were back in town and i was able to be bailed out. my poor husband must have been scratching his head THAT day as his wife hit two out of the park in one day.

most of the work week went well. i feel like i'm finally getting into a nice groove. i've learned and retained tons, enough to work independently most of the time. i work with great people. it is like gaining a new family. there's lots to learn about "living" with 3 new people. i realize that i spend lots more time with them than i do with my family at home. thank goodness they are good natured people. i am confident all of the little hiccups will be ironed out over time. the hardest part is trying to balance my completely crazy, dramatic, ever changing family at home, AND try to be in work mode for 8 hours strait. maybe i should try to schedule more lunch breaks in my day...

(oh, the kids know i'm here. conor just told me a funny joke. time's running out)

all in all, life gets hard sometimes. well, for us, a lot. there is just a lot of crazy that surrounds us. as my brother in law says, "crazy makes you crazy". i would love to prove him wrong, but i have a gut feeling that he's right. after all, what made them crazy to begin with.... crazy people in their life? probably. there is a poem that Randy read to me yesterday before work, that i'll post later, or on facebook, but it is mostly about a boy that has to learn to just keep getting up after he falls, as he's trying to win a race. that is almost impossible to do a lot of the time, when people are wanting to keep you down, but through encouraging words from people, it IS possible to put one foot in front of the other and just keep walking. i've learned this week that i don't have the strength in me alone, BUT God has put people along my path that are cheering me on, so that even if i don't win the race, i will at least cross the finish line and will celebrate with me in the end. i am so very thankful for the people on the sidelines, and the people who are running right a long with me. they may be faster, stronger and more seasoned runners, but they have chosen to slow down their pace and teach me how to enjoy the race.