ahhh

so i spent the majority of the weekend outside. spent time with the kids separately, got some fresh air, and finally got to hang with a good friend. plus we partied a lot this weekend. randy hasn't felt so hot though. not cancer related. but he did have fun too.

this is going to be a busy week. i have 3 houses to clean, one counseling appointment, 2 dr's visit's (one in Stanford.... ROADTRIP!) dinner with Jer and Meg, a birthday party Saturday for Randy, then Superbowl to round out the week. It seems like i'm forgetting something. hmmm. if you know something i don't, please tell me.

maybe i should go do laundry NOW, so we don't run out mid week. sounds like a plan.

have a great week friends.

up yours Satan!

Totally just realized something odd. In this last year, 3 AWANA workers from NCR have gotten cancer. Dave- Director (we miss you), Darryl- leader and Director's husband, and Randy-leader and Director's husband. What this tells me is that obviously there was something we were all doing RIGHT and Satan didn't like it! Not wanting to piss him off right now, but taking out our men doesn't mean that you will defeat Gods women. You are actually making us stronger. I lift up Donna in her mourning and Rahna and I in our fight! We win no matter what. When will he figure that out? I'm so on fire right now. Time to fortify my armor. Where's my bible? oooh. it is soo on!

This is a friends post...

http://warkymom.blogspot.com/2010/01/power-of-supernatural.htmlThank you Erin for you faithfulness...

(and to our other friends who won't let us give up!!!)

so some stupid family jokes...

so we've had this cat Angel since we were newly dating. she is now 15. For YEARS now we have been waiting on her to die. Randy gets mad at all the cat hair on his clothes in the garage and having to feed her etc... so on Monday, he looks at her through the glass door and says "that fuckin cat is gonna out live me". maybe you had to be there, but it was funny.

also his 39th birthday is Feb. 9th, so he says he really WILL be 39 forever...

and then tonight, Rivers surprised us with the COMPLETE dessert selection. i mean COM...PL...ETE, every dessert they had. (banana's foster and the creme brule' were the best. so when i tried the creme brule', i scooped up a bite for Randy, and grabbed his face and told him, "you HAVE to try this, it's to die for". he did laugh but i will never ever say that again. EVER!

plus, we racked up a pretty hefty bill tonight. not gonna say how much, but once again, foot in mouth, i had to say " well, you have to do that at least once before you die..."

i don't think i'm allowed to speak again.

GET IN THE WORD!!!

OK GOD I HEAR YOU!!!

sheesh. Thank you God for the scriptures so that i can "learn".

this is really stupid, but if you've seen Avatar, which is UNBELIEVABLE, you may understand what i'm saying. This morning God told me "I see you" and i cried and said "i see you too". it's more than just looking at God or the word, which i now understand the verse in John that says "¹In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."

when i read the word, i SEE God, just as he sees me. and as the movie explained, it's not just seeing someone on the outside, but more on the inside down to their soul. so anchoring yourself in the word, gives you a front row seat looking into the heart of God. that i believe is what keeps us in the "in-between" of being a word church and a spirit church. God is spirit AND word. it says so.

Conor has the faith of, well, a child

This evening, it all sank in for Conor. He started asking questions like : "why can't they do more chemo", "what else can we do" and my favorite, with tears in his eyes and a very serious tone "if laughter is the best medicine, then you just need to laugh more". Talk about stabbing us in the gut with the sharpest knife possible! SUCKY! We ARE going to be putting them into counseling ASAP. Medi-cal finally agreed to it a year later.

Thank you Gaddy's for such a great dinner, and keeping some normalcy in our lives. It may have hurt Randy to remember the good days of his past, but there's no reason that we can't still be optimistic and enjoy your family as our future.

SHIT!

that's all i can say. his old tumors have come back and there's a new one that decided to join the group. it's just a matter of time unless God decides to just be super cool and heal him. That's all i can write right now. i can't answer any questions. The dr. was crying too much to tell us much more.

this might be a long one

God has stomped His foot down. Not like a child throwing a tantrum, but as a Father declaring His will for me. It is by no coincidence that the events of this last year and even more recently, this last week have led me to where i am right now at this moment.

A little over a year ago, right after Randy's diagnosis, a total stranger at the time, gave me 2 sets of "the Purpose Driven Life" and a journal to go with each book. I thumbed through it, but with all that we have gone through this year, it just wasn't the time to focus on the future, but to focus on the task at hand, which was keeping Randy alive. So i shelved them... until this morning.

I woke up this morning, feeling more defeated than i have, probably ever. I feel like my heart was wrung out one too many times and i was fearful of who i have become. I am so nervous about tomorrow's appointment with Dr. Collins. It will literally change our future, whatever the outcome. He's either healed or he's not. (I'm not taking away God's ability for healing in the future, but i do feel in my gut, the importance of tomorrow). It is also by no coincidence that we have quieted ourselves this week so we can hear God's will for us. Plus, with a not so gentle, but well founded nudge from a friend, God broke through the last thread of "myself" that i was holding onto. That literally left me paralyzed with a broken heart and spirit. JUST WHERE GOD WANTED ME!

I picked up and finished another vampire book, turned on the TV, then turned it off. I felt restless. Then i took a deep breath, walked over to my book shelf, pushed past the piles of books and found 2 dusty books that caught my attention. Purpose Driven Life. "ok God, this is our day..." After reading the preface and looking through the journal i decided that i didn't want to walk this 40 day road alone. I know that it would be a great book to build a friendship on, but God was calling me to walk this road with Randy. I came out to the living room, got him and we started talking and crying, (mostly me), and we committed to walk this road together. There's even a place to sign a covenant together, committing to this walk. How appropriate.

Whatever tomorrow brings, whatever mistakes of the past, we will always have God in our lives, and He loves us. I loved a psalm that a friend found recently. Psalm 143. Reading it fills me with purpose and hope. I am very thankful for the very breath I have, even if it's only for today.

"the things you do for love" (or coffee)

learned a lesson tonight. wal-mart teaches you patience. there's only one place in town that i know of that sells the kind of coffee i like and it happens to be at wal-mart. i will not tell you what KIND of coffee it is however, since i've learned that the rule about supply and demand they taught me in high school applies, and you all will go out and buy it all up and therefore raising the price of it... so i will just tell you that it is only there and leave it at that. (oh my word, RANDY, if you don't stop screwing around on this computer and changing the font, i will choke you). geeze. i can't even see what i'm typing. frustrating...

anyways, just went in for a book and coffee and some amazingly sweet women in her 40's decided that i was too much of an inconvenience to her and she totally cut in line with a FULL cart, so i moved to another line so i didn't accidentally kick her in her, um... cart, as she was fumbling around trying to alphabetize her groceries. unfortunately my move placed me closer to a child, who if it were mine would TOTALLY have gotten a spanken right then and there. so i was in the dilemma of putting my handful of coffee, water and much needed minty gum down and walking out, or being patient and getting what i went there to get. if it were solely for me, i would've walked out, but like i said, there was the issue of the coffee.

not much of a moral to this story other than as soon as i get finished with this blog, i'm looking up to see if i can buy it online and completly avoid that store for the rest of my LIFE!!!

Life Group

aaahhhh. it was SO nice to be back in a group. We abruptly stopped our last one right after Randy's surgery. I remember our last Thursday night meeting, praying for the surgery the next day to go well to remove a "swollen Lymph node". I don't think anyone had any idea that this is where we would've ended up. I sure didn't. I shared last night that i am so thankful for the members of our last group, because they were there from the beginning and I know have prayed all along. Imagine my surprise to see most of my favorite people in this world in our new group last night. Hopefully next week Randy can make it. (we were short a babysitter and tried to leave them home alone. I think that lasted 5 minutes?) Just being in a group setting was refreshing and uplifting to see that we were all on the same page. No drama. I went home fully able to conquer anything. Looking forward to Wednesdays :)

P.s. ~

Randy had a PET scan and CT scan yesterday and will have a bone scan tomorrow. He was really sick yesterday from the drink they make you drink and the injection of whatever poison they put into the I.V. during the procedure. Imagine laying still for a long time trying really hard not to throw up! yuck!!!! Tomorrow they inject isotopes 3 hours before the scan, then he goes back three hours later for the actual scan. THEN WE WAIT THREE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's time for some down time

this last week was relentless. i am so exhausted. lots of work. that's a good thing. now i have 4 days off. never been this excited to stay home. ever. maybe my house will get clean now.

wednesday, randy has his scans. then we have to wait til monday to see the results. gonna be a week of faith building. please keep him in your prayers.

totally random, but i was given a calender for christmas, and i feel so much better about myself. i can look at it and plan ahead instead of waiting for my phone calender to beep at me and tell me what i'm doing next. it looks like wednesdays are the busiest.

now, if some friends could update their blog too, i could feel complete... ;)

have a great week friends!

2010... so far, not impressed

i woke up with a very heavy heart today. there is so much hurt out there right now. well, i guess there always is, but it hits so close to home that it's almost unbearable. plus, because of financial reasons and the stupid high price of prescriptions, i have had to suddenly stop taking my "happy pills". (not that they make me happy, just keeps me from wanting to KILL myself) these are supposed to be weined off over a couple month period. yeah how bout 2 days? that's how long i had to adjust. come to find out, that's been the cause of my nerve pain. i feel like i'm being electrocuted every 20 seconds or so. it's been a nice few months without enjoying that sensation. oh well, welcome back my old friend.

my list of people to pray for had doubled almost over night. hopefully God excepts tears as a form of intercession. that and prayer is about all i've got. i know we're supposed to make resolutions today. i know that i won't be able to keep any, so i'm just going to go day by day, loving my family and friends and hopefully make a difference in this world. maybe i'll loose weight along the way, and become content with myself. and maybe JUST MAYBE, i can bring about world peace. LOL

i'll update everyone soon on randy's prognosis. we'll find out on the 18th if the tumors are all gone. (just mentioning that day makes my nauseous) he finished his last chemo in december. keep your fingers crossed. tears are flowing again, so i'm gonna say goodbye.