Prayer request for Randy

He had blood work done yesterday that showed his red blood count was low and his white blood cell count was even lower. That's what helps him fight off illness. They haven't been this low until now. Yesterday, he started having all over nerve pain and his bones were aching. Last night, he didn't sleep well at all and his sinuses are killing him. Hopefully it's just allergies, but if he starts getting a cough or more body aches, he will have to to into the hospital to hopefully keep whatever he has from going into pneumonia. This is the first time i have been scared throughout all of this. I'm trying to keep my anxiety from him, but he is so stubborn that i'm afraid he will keep his sickness from me in order to tough it out. Even his Dr. gets frustrated with him.

He has another blood test today, but that won't do much other than say his counts are up or down. He won't run a fever even if he's sick because his WBC is so low. Fever's are GOOD!!! It's our body's natural defense. It means you fighters are fighting. He doesn't have any, maybe 2...
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pray he gets healthy!

Castle Lake... again

This time we had so much snow and it was so cold the lake was frozen over, people were ice fishing and we ate our picnic ON the lake. what a nice treat. Gotta love the "artic fox" doggie.

spring time

i am so happy. even with everything going on. i love to smell the sweet blooms, enjoy little sun kisses and plan a garden... who am i kidding?!?! the blooms around my house have that bitter smell, i would never refer to sun burns on my kids faces as "sun kisses" and i haven't had a garden since i've been married. i am happy though. i DO enjoy the bright colored blooms, the smell of sunblock, and am REALLLLLLLY looking forward to putting in a salsa garden this year. it will happen.

i am officially working from home now. i couldn't be happier. talking the kids to school in slippers instead of heels, making lunch myself instead of whatever unhealthy thing looks good at 11am. planting a garden, taking care of and spending time with Randy, being here with a plate of cookies for the kids when they get off the bus... yes i am that mom. i am looking forward to all of the new possiblities that await me at home and around redding when i do step out and do sales. life is good for now. gonna go cuddle witht he family until i have to go to work the home show...

no...relief?!?!

i guess medi-cal is going to continue to be a pain in my butt for the rest of my life. just got off the phone with my wonderful dr. i am so thankful to have him in our lives. he cares. more than most dr's it seems. well, i guess all of the dr's in our lives care because God has put them there, and they are ALL good to us, but anyways, he just called and told me that the hysterectomy will have to wait, because we have to do a T.A.R. once this surury is over, and hope that medi-cal will allow one. so as it sits, Dr. Perry will open me up, and if it's bad, he will wake me up and we will schedule a hysterectomy for 2 weeks from now. if it's not too bad, we can wait a couple of months. it will be done within this year though. it's all God's timing. can we all say PRIVATE INSURANCE!?!?!? (i'm not being ungrateful, just frustrated that they are willing to pay for 2 surgeries instead of one, makes PERFECT sense to me).

so i have 1 month for God to allow me to miraculously get pregnant. uuummm.... no! never mind. my name's not mary. anyone who reads this, feel free to laugh.

Relief

The pinewood derby is over, "cookies" are made, Randy's settled into the hospital, our house is generally clean, twilight the movie is finally out and purchased... sheets are washed, Conor's reading, Gillian's doing her laundry. It is Saturday afternoon and I am sitting in front of my computer with a FRESH cup of coffee, and I can breath a sigh of relief for today at least. Tomorrow always seems to bring its own set of problems, but I think for today, it's all handled.

I spent the better part of last night, not sleeping, but trying to relax myself enough to doze off. My mind was fine, it was my body. I am really looking forward to having my surgery so I can put all of this behind me. Endometriosis has crept into so many parts of my body, making me feel like I am going out of my mind, and trying its best to take me out. I have prayed to God to take this from me without having to have a hysterectomy, because it seemed too much to deal with, with everything else going on, but He showed me this is the time to do it. My mom will be with me the whole time, but Randy won't. We'll both overlap each other in the hospital. But as a friend told me, "will you really want to have another child, under any circumstance, in the next 5 years?" The answer is no, under ANY circumstance. I have 2 beautiful babies to raise, a husband to love and take care of, and a body to get back into shape. There was more to that conversation, but i will leave it at that, and acknowledge that it helped me to make one of the hardest choices of my life. God gave me total peace about that last night, then my body relaxed and i drifted off to sleep.

Yeah haw!!!

laser tag, car exaust and 10 year old boys

... let me tell you, the smell in my truck was oh so manly.

was it worth it? heck yeah! laser tag is so much fun. all the kids and "big kids" had fun. everyone got super sweaty, some cooled off by driving go-carts, and ended up smelling like a trucker, and then there's the mixture of 3 boys who might start including deodorant in their daily routine, all mixed into one overwhelming smell in my truck. i have never enjoyed a kids birthday as much as conor's last night. then there was the sugar rush at the end of the night with ice cream, and a sour candy contest, and video games. REALLY GOOD TIMES!

i think for gillian's birthday, i posted a pic of her as a baby, so i feel the need to extend that love for conor, so here ya go:

i think this is the last time i can post a pic of him.... hahahaha. i do miss this age. Happy birthday Conor!

100th blog

i'm glad that could be my title, because i couldn't think of anything else to use...
i'm sorry for not writing much lately. i felt the need to pull away for a little while and just think. i have had some major alone time lately as well, which has helped my spirit to heal some. i'm very thankful for that time. unfortunately i've been in a lot of pain physically, so it's hard to enjoy it, but learning to separate my mind from the pain has boosted my self control and helped me to focus on God and not me and my little world. things are all back in perspective, our trials of this earth, pain, disease, mistakes, hard work... they are all a part of what makes us who we are and are all designed to keep us close to God. He will allow some things to happen in order to keep us focused on Him.

while i was on my little mini-retreat, someone commented to me that "pain and suffering is proof that your God doesn't exist. if he loved you he would keep you from harm... as a mom, don't you try to keep your child from getting hurt?" my reply was simply this, " i enjoy the times that they do get hurt or sick since that's the only time i get to hold them". i walked away with my coffee in hand, and thought to myself, it's a good thing that God gave us fathers or we probably wouldn't ever get hurt, therefore never grow and learn. it's a mental picture for me of how God is a complete package: the all knowing father who helps grow us and forges us, and the gentle hands that hold us when we hurt.

this week, randy had the blessing of having "the talk" with the kids, plus more self defense moves. two very long and energetic conversations that i was not involved in. at first i felt the urge to come in and sensor what he was saying. then i felt realized that i was in too much physical pain to move (a pre-determined move by God?) so i just sat there and talked to God. He made me realize how lucky i was to have him here to have that talk, from the man's perspective. We need both people. i can't teach them choke holds and how to throw the best punch, or even why men do what they do. i wouldn't have to courage to have "the talk" with them yet, but i will have the open arms to hold them when they get hurt both physically and emotionally. i am thankful to have had that in my life.

there are people who come in and out of your life that God uses to forge you. and then there are the keepers. the ones who you can cling to when you're broken. the ones you celebrate victories with, vacation with, pray with. I HAVE THAT!!! thank you God for that. thank you for the love of a forgiving Father, for family and friends, and for the promise of eternity, even when we don't deserve it. it is during those times of trial that we yearn for heaven. if i forget that during the good times, then i pray that He reminds me what my focus should be, even if it means a little more pain right now. this is only temporary. His love is forever.

and i quote:

"what cancer cannot take from you"

"It connot take away your faith,
shatter your hope or lessen your love.
It cannot destroy true friendship,
invade the soul or take away eternal life.
It cannot conquer your spirit."
(this was sent to us from a friend, in the form of a magnet)

with a broken heart, i write this...
as he set across from a little girl the same age as our daughter at Solace Cancer Care,
"with a beautiful hat on, a vetran, as the nurses say, with her bag of goodies and mom at her side, randy was THANKFUL for it to be him sitting there instead of his kids or me..."
WTF?!?!?!
this morning i was in the shower thinking to myself what cancer DOES take away from you:
~scout meetings with your son
~tea parties with your daughter
~walks on the beach with your wife
~your strength, hair, ability to eat, sleep, excersise, ability to dream about the future.....
we just got our kids to the age where we can ENJOY our marriage. that's what cancer takes away from you.
this blog is so painful for me to write. how i wish it was me to be in his shoes, or slippers as the case may be. how is it that God uses the HOLY to grow the unworthy? why does God choose to talk to us during our brokenness. BROKEN LEG OF THE LAMB! i get it!!!! at least Jesus is carrying me like that sweet little lamb that he carried in the lovely pic of him and the lamb. if you don't go to the stirring, listen to the blog from last Sunday....

long day

i'm going to bed. tomorrow, i work, but then the next day, well, i work too, but soon and for a couple of days, i will rest.
one side note: SERIOUSLY! if i have to work from home anymore, i refuse to do it without whatever cool chair that i have at the office. i am spoiled. i admit it. now to see if i can find somebody who sells them... hmmm.

the belly of the whale...

is LONELY!!! part of me wants to quit going to church. (not really) but it seems like whatever Nate says, happens. am i the only stubborn one who is fighting God's plan?!?! it sure as heck feels like it. it would help if i could at least curl up in the darkness and go to sleep, but no, nope, no way in the world is that gonna happen in this lifetime. i hate being alone, stressed out, overly committed... cancer sucks, chores suck, dieting, smiling to put people at ease.... sucks! for this week at least, i'm putting my head down and barreling through whatever needs to be done for my household and work. that's it. don't be offended if i tell you no, it's for my own well being, and for the kids and poor dog that i was a little too rough to when i got home today. sorry roxy. there is that term "kicking the dog". well, she didn't get kicked, just dropped flat on her back. oops. i picked her up and kissed her and fought back the tears. time to move on to something else. let's see what's next tonight.. cookies for boy scouts, drop said boy scout with cookies to his meeting, go to target to get a gift for a bday party tonight, oh yeah, birthday party @ 7:30 which i will be late to, then pick out kids clothes for picture day tomorrow which i just found out about tonight. AWESOME! get to work from 7 am to 7 pm tomorrow night. it'll all be worth it huh? all of this and i SHOULD be home taking care of my sick husband. no matter what, i loose.

i'm done ranting. have a good one!

no title

i do want to thank EVERYONE who has provided us meals over the last few months. if i still have a dish of yours, feel free to call me and i will get it to you. call the stirring, and they will give you my cell number. i am excited to start cooking again though. that's where my creativity comes out. i LOVE to cook, and have really missed it. i certainly haven't been up to it though, so these meals have been a real blessing. We are going to be starting a new family diet to get us and keep us healthy. we've been doing a lot of research into what helps to grow cancer cells, since we ALL have cancer cells in us. that's for another blog, but i am excited to eat as clean as we possibly can. it means lots more raw fruits and veggies. as "whole foodish" as we can get. limit take out and red meat, and drinking LOTS and LOTS of water. hopefully we will see a change in our appearance and immune system. no more beer, since it's loaded with sugar. ONE glass of red wine as recommended, and NO MORE WHITE BREAD FOR RANDY!!! ha! we'll see. he's motivated though to not have to go through anymore chemo than is necessary.

this is turning into a book, so i will just say goodnight for now. love you guys!