OH MY WORD!!!

geeeeze. late night dinner. trying to entice my husband to eat. (he gave up on it all after yesterday's meeting with the dr.) picture it:
serloin cut thin and pounded out and tenderized to the width of a tortilla, then put a little soy sauce, mushrooms, shallots and GORGONZOLLA cheese on it with LOTS of pepper and garlic, roll it up, and sear to a golden brown. cut into slices and serve with garlicy cheezzzy fries... wow!!! plus a "lite" beer on the side.

THIS is why i am going on a diet...
i still have some left over if anyone is hungry...

short version...

i'm fried so i won't go over all of the details from our stanford trip, but generally speaking, things are good. tumors are shrinking, more chemo ahead, much more chemo, but this is where prayer comes in. pray that 1) he gets into remission sooner than later, and 2) that he doesn't get immune to the chemo. that would be bad. i keep forgetting the gravity of all of this until we visit Dr. Jacobs. i will certainly be more informational tomorrow.

breath... breath... breath

yeah, randy just commented on the fact that i had to walk my bike A LITTLE WAYS up the hill... hold, on... i'm too tired to type..... whew...

anyways. so far so good. breakfast and mimosa's at corbetts. yummy. maybe that's why i was too tired to ride all the way back. or it could have been the couple of games of basketball that we played at the park. not sure, but i DO love family days. all three dogs, both kids and the hubby at the park. fun!!! we get to go to my mom's for brats and sauerkraut tonight. then girls night out. i'm beside myself with excitement. where's my water bottle?

ooo, it's been almost a week. sorry

there's not too much to talk about, but we do have a couple of things on the horizon.
first, it's been a pretty good week. i had a couple of good days, as opposed to being stressed out the WHOLE time. i was able to get my mind off of life for a little while. PLUS, i ran into a good friend from high school. looking forward to catching up someday soon.

as far as next week goes, we are heading down to stanford tuesday night. he meets with his main oncologist on wednesday to go over the next round of treatment. we're pretty sure that he still has to finish 5 more rounds of chemo, but i'm crossing my fingers that we can move on to radiation and be closer to ending this nightmare. he had a PET and CT scan yesterday, which was his second one since he started chemo. if you remember, the last time they saw that the tumors were shrinking. i hold out hope that it comes back SPOTLESS this time. our God IS that good ya know...

i guess that's about it. oh wait, one more prayer request... a friends little girl could use some prayer. i'm not going to go into details, but she has been having a reoccurring issue, and it's about time to heal and not have to deal with it anymore. it's not life threatening, but certainly a pain in the butt to have to keep dealing with. not to mention really uncomfortable for her. that's the worst part. not being able to take it away from her! grrr. anyways, just lift her up whenever you pray for us. she means just as much to us as she would if she were family...

hope you guys have a great weekend.

mmmm....mmmmm...good!

i'm not talking campbells soup. it may be a great day for soup, since it's rainy and cold, but i stepped it up a bit with homemade queso dip consisting of velveeta, el pato and 1/2 a jar of jalapenos. followed up with a cocktail of maker's mark and diet cherry pepsi. and for dinner: pork roast seared in a skillet with chipoltle seasoning, deglazed with dos xx and slow cooked in verde salsa, then shredded and topped with tillamook cheese wrapped in a warm tortilla with cilantro, jalapenos and some chopped onions, and fresh black beans cooked with lots of garlic and beef broth. it is SOOOO nice to cook again. i still have another day off. what in the world am i going to do with myself??? oh, yeah.... eat leftovers, with a fresh cocktail of course. care to join us?

tear...

Happy Valentines day! So far, i've watched 2 love stories with my daughter, explaining to her when NOT to believe everything boys tell her. She has a good grasp on love and how important it is to wait for the man God sends her way. I got a kiss from my son, which i now realize is only going to happen once a year, since he's a ...boy, and is embarrassed. AND received tulips from Randy. AND he brought home fire starter and made a fire, AND we get to have dinner tonight with Jer and Meg. So far, the best Valentines day EVER!

what a weird day

first it was weird not going to work. i took the kids to school, then went back to bed for a couple of hours. woke up. realized that my brother was gone without having fresh coffee. felt like a bad hostess. watched food network all morning with randy, in our pj's. good times. had a really yummy lunch with aaron and randy. watched more food network. made butter with gillian. had to give up the tv to the boys for video games. had an amazing "themed" dinner dropped off tonight, thanks angie and chad. ( they got us what we had to eat on our first date, plus we got to share with the kids how we met and fell in love) watched more food network. learned how hard it is to make sculptures out of only chocolate, in florida, with major humidity and heat... (like you guys care) visited with darin for about an hour. nice to catch up. now, i get to watch more food network until i pass out on the couch while contemplating the next couple of weeks we have ahead of us. details to follow another day. have a great friday night.

State of the Union

frustration. anger. sadness. rejection. pills. cookies. valentines day. dieting. apples to apples.

FRUSTRATION: not being able to function, make choices, or move the heck on.
ANGER: not being able to make choices for your own life.
SADNESS: (see first sentence)
REJECTION: having your good friend tell you you're not there for them when they need you. and NO, if you're one of the few who reads this, I'm not talking about you) OUCH!!!
PILLS: I guess I'm talking about the ones my husband WON'T TAKE when I'm not home. I may be giving my resignation on Friday, if he can't start taking care of himself.
COOKIES: the ones I WON'T be making without gloves for my husband anymore since it soaks into your skin when you roll them into ball to cook them, and they make you high for a day and a half, and you make really bad choices that are out of your control...(sorry to my ONE friend who reads this)
VALENTINES DAY: I am actually looking forward to this year since we are joining some good friends for dinner at a REALLY good restaurant.
DIETING: I've lost 5 pounds. yeah for me! (and Randy)
APPLES TO APPLES: the game i just lost to my son...

There you have it folks. That's where the Miller's sit right now.

7:30 p.m.

we finally got home. we are all so tired. what a long week, weekend, month...
tomorrow is randy's 38th birthday. at least he's going to be home to celebrate. looking forward to the week ahead. birthdays, rain - maybe snow (sorry chris), valentines day, more dr's appointments, more dieting... wait this was supposed to be things i'm looking forward to... i'll go back... birthdays.... chilly weather...that's about it. 2 out of 6 aint bad folks. now i'm going to give the kids hot cocoa, and read to them for awhile. goodnight.

i need to clarify

when i posted before that the cancer was on randy's pancreas, i didn't mean it to sound like it was "pancreatic cancer". i am pretty sure that it is ON his pancreas not IN his pancreas therefor just making it another part of the cancer randy ALREADY had! thank you tommy for bringing this to my attention...

what's going on?

weird. we show up at randy's dr ON TIME and get hassled by the nurse for not being 15 minutes early. if you want us there early, schedule accordingly... but anyways, we are sitting there waiting for the dr. to come in, and i got super light headed, and started seeing stars. the back of my neck feels really tight, and i'm trying to focus on what randy's saying. so dr. collins comes in, starts talking to us, and a couple minutes later, I'M sitting on the stupid dr's table getting my blood pressure pulse etc checked. i still feel really weird. at least we got to come home for a couple of hours while they get his suite ready for him... maybe i'll be able to drive MYSELF home later.

i thought laughter was the best medicine

not for me. maybe i'll get to the laughter portion today, but last night was the crying part. crying's not even the word. weeping would be better. unfortunately, it was in front of almost EVERYONE i know. minus only 2 people. i held in the tears when i was holding a beautiful 9 month old baby, wondering if my days of having another one of my own was over. held in the tears as i apologized to a sweet friend for judging her wrongly before i knew her personality. didn't cry when i was sitting there in almost the worst physical pain yet, but lost it when i looked over and saw randy asleep, covered up under a quilt looking like an honest to goodness cancer patient.

and i get to see these people again today with swollen eyes. nice.

i think all of these months of holding back my emotions, not dealing with it, caught up to me. i know it was good. i know i needed to finally deal with life, but can anyone tell me WHY it had to be in a room full of people?!?!? i'm so afraid to go to the Superbowl party today, simply because our Dr. was there last night, and will be there today, and he's probably going to have the strait jacket and people dressed in white coats waiting for me...