I can't be quiet any longer

So for two weeks now, i've wanted to sit down and blog about something that is super important to me, and it took tonights sermon to get me to actually do it. This may be repetitive for some of you, but i think there is a genuine misconception about what is considered healthy in todays age of fast food and convenience. We have obviously had our feet held to the fire this last year and a half, and have had to find our way to the truth the hard way. We have been blessed though, to have 2 great friends who have been consistent with their lifestyle, and even though it took years of being friends with them, they have rubbed off. The Cable's have had it right all along. (well Cassie with the healthy eating, and Chris with his dedication to their "soon to be" farm) They have understood the importance of organic food, exercise and spiritual well being.

After reading, researching and watching "Food Inc." (thanks Amy for the suggestion), we can no longer cover our eyes and act like there's not a bad guy there standing right in front of us. The choices that we are making are literally killing us. Many people have been scratching their heads and wondering, "how did Randy get cancer?" the answer is painfully obvious now. It's all about his lifestyle. Not just his eating habits but his spiritual self as well. I'm not talking about his walk with God, but his actual spiritual being within him.

If we took a second to look at our lives, really look, and be honest with ourselves, it would only take a moment to realize our ideas for what we think are good for us, is soooo far away from the life God has created us to have. I cannot say enough about this right now, but i hope that you can stop right now and pray for God to show you the truth about what He wants for you, before you end up in the same boat we are, trying to undo all the harm that we have caused ourselves over the years. STOP EATING FAST FOOD, watch Food Inc., do more than just "take the stairs" to get healthy, get out and MOVE, get some sunshine, vitamin D is GOOD for you, you need it. Make better choices for yourself and stop blaming everyone else for what we've become. Educate yourself. Once you know the truth about what makes us sick, it's up to YOU to change. No one else will do it for you. (maybe i'm being a little harsh, but i guarantee it's a little easier than being "cut, poisoned and burned" as Randy put it, trying to get rid of the cancer that is trying to consume him). Have a great night :)

update:

Randy has begun his life extending pills! REACH did what they had to do, and i don't want to know how, but they got him accepted and he got his first shipment last night. I don't even have to go to the pharmacy to get them. I'm sure with the cost of them, i'd need to have an armed guard accompany me to my truck with them anyways, so that saves me a lot of trouble.

We have also decided to have him start radiation next week? i think. He meets with the dr. tomorrow to get scanned before they begin. The only draw back with that much radiation is it will kill his bone marrow wherever they radiate. Which is all over his body. They are "thinking outside of the box" with him because he is so strong and tolerated chemo so well. I guess his blood count levels never really dropped during chemo last time, so they are confident going into this that loosing his bone marrow reserves won't effect him too bad. cool.

At this point, as i sit at this moment, we are happy. Life is good. It's been a rough few days, but it's all been worth it and yesterday ended very well. YAY!

This is interesting

Just to re-cap for my blogger friends, there is a pill that Randy will start taking that costs $70,000/year. That's just over $5800/month. Yikes. The drug is supposed to stop the blood flow to the tumors, therefor stopping it's growth, hopefully, and giving him some years to live. :) There's always a catch though. (or just more hoops to jump through rather). There is a program out there that will cover the cost of the pills called REACH. Yay! But since we have medi-cal, it is getting in the way. The lady we are dealing with is a total sweetheart and is doing everything in her power to get us accepted, but then there's our issue of our share of cost with medi-cal. It has been lowered, but still not within reach for us to afford monthly, so we're back to square one.

I called our social worker today, who was also very sweet and helpful, (thank goodness for a new referral), and asked why our share of cost is so high with neither of us working. She explained that for a family of 4, our living expenses, including rent has to be less than $1,100/month. Since the Mercy fund is set up to pay our living expenses right now, we exceed that amount, so every dollar over $1,100/month is considered our share of cost. So doing the math, even if the Mercy fund paid for the pills that Randy should be taking, in less than 2 months, the fund would be depleted and we would be out on the streets. So even though there's a program set up for people like us, to pay for life saving drugs,we are not able to access it. I will not give my opinion on the Pharmaceutical companies. I do understand that there is a lot of money that goes into research for medications, but do they really have to have us by the balls just because they can. Where's the grace come in. Oh, that's right... Let's see what God does with this!

choices

this has been a very different week for us. i guess the last 2 have been. We have been transitioning from eating and drinking whatever we were in the mood for, and not exercising, to working out hard daily and eating mostly veggies and drinking water. i still have my cup of coffee in the morning and and a glass of wine at night with dinner, but i'm noticing a change in my body and how i feel about myself. i'm starting to realize what i don't need in my life. the biggest factor that i look at is: does it bring me more stress than joy? there are some stressful things that we can't change like cancer and school, but we can drop some of the crap that makes us feel toxic so that we can deal with the other things we can't change. Food was an easy thing to change since we know better and have motivation to change our bodies. The harder one is relationships.

There are people that maybe should just be kept at a distance, not because they are bad people, but because they bring out the worst in us, therefore making us less than we can be. Just like saying no to Red Robin fries and eventually not wanting them anymore because you've changed your taste buds, we can do the same thing with people. If you know they aren't nourishing you and making you whole, then maybe it's just about time to start saying "no". It may suck for awhile, but eventually your mind will come back into alignment with your heart and you WILL feel better. You heart is a vital part of who you are. It deserves to be protected.

yuck

today just feels like the kind of day to just crawl back in bed. i think i'm coming down off of my "high" on life from last week. It's the kind of day where it seems like there's nothing to look forward to, even though i KNOW there's LOTS to be thankful for. Randy is in Montana right now after playing with his band last night. I am very happy that he gets to still go out and do what God's created him to do. I know he's on fire right now with a drive to teach people how to take care of their bodies so they can keep cancer at bay. he has a direction and it's great to see him charging through the woods after our enemy.

he should be starting his new medication soon. it should have been here yesterday, but didn't show up. hmmm. need to follow up on that today.

lets see if i feel better after i work out.

Details and goals

1st things 1st. we have TIME! Time to do a lot of the things we thought were ripped from us a couple of weeks ago. The dr's are very happy with Randy's strength and lack of symptoms. Like Randy said, if they didn't tell him he had cancer you wouldn't know. His lack of symptoms gives us options to try some alternative stuff, and that's good enough for us. We were jaw on the floor, asking "are you sure?", looking at each other with tears in our eyes shocked to hear the word "years" not "months" come from the dr's mouth. when i say years... i mean two-ish. who knows? it could be more than that.

The alternative stuff is a "cancer drug" that is NOT chemo, but also something that i can't pronounce.What it does is hopefully keep the tumors from growing by cutting off their blood supply. It isn't FDA approved to "heal" sarcomas, but has been used by Stanford with great results. An example: A girl with the same cancer as Randy, taking the same drugs for 17 months is STILL healthy and symptom free, although the tumors still are present. We may not be able to grow old together, but i don't have to start saying goodbye yet. That brings me to our goals.

Randy is on fire to change his body from the inside out. He's joining the gym tomorrow. He can't lift heavy weights because of the tumors in his bones, but can still get some of the results he is looking for. His diet is going to change, and he's the one taking control of it, not me forcing him to drink carrot juice. He is going to heal his body with positive thinking, prayer and allowing his spirit to heal him. It's the WHOLE package.

For me, i am going to go to college and get a degree and put myself on a strict diet/exercise plan as well. As Randy puts it, "make myself a catch for Mr. Right someday". I'm trying not to be too offended by that. He does know how to motivate me though. Make me mad, and I can move mountains. I just want to be more independent and well rounded of a person and not have to rely on anyone but God to provide for me and the kids someday. Who wants a needy wife anyways?

(and Clyde, i will try hard not to push people away and accept help when needed, deal?)

That's all that i can think of right now. Any ideas what i should go to school for???

i'm up, then down, then up, then down...

what a roller coaster of a day. poor Randy is doing what he does best. making me laugh so i don't kill someone. He's the only person i know who can make a joke about me PMS-ing and get away unscathed. i think for him validating that fact, combo'd with me not eating until it was too late, (which either one by itself is bad news for the people in arms reach), turned my day around. Not to mention that i am stressed out of my mind. Tomorrow is gonna suck. we already know that. we feel like we are walking into, well, hell. i'm trying to make an appointment for a root canal for tomorrow at the same time so we can't go, but no one's buying it. i think someone tipped off the all the dentists in town...

anyways, it's 8:45 pm. just started laundry for tomorrow. it's gonna be awhile before i can go to bed. i am contemplating a glass of wine and plan on reflecting on today, and figure out how not to relive it again. i've gone 2 weeks without even so much as a tear, and then today, i see at least 5 people in town and lost it each time. IT'S AWESOME FALLING APART IN FRONT OF PEOPLE! :(

i ended on a good note by having a good talk with one of randy's best friends. he shed some light on some things and it should carry me over for a couple more weeks, (minus tomorrow. i already gave myself permission to cry tomorrow) it's great to know that comfort can come from the unlikely-est of places.

that said, i see myself going into a "do-it-by-myself" mode. that's way more comfortable for me, and a lot less taxing on my friends. it would suck to use up all of my favors right now... i like my little bubble. i like feeling safe, and i don't feel safe when i open myself up to other people, (family excluded) i am fully capable of doing more than i give myself credit for, and plan on making that my goal.