Allright, this is a 2 parter:

Part 1:

God is so good! We met with the Dr. this morning and she said, that in her professional opinion... the tumors that are in Randy's bone's are actually gone and that the spots that showed up on the last bone scan were actually his healthy bone tissue regenerating itself. Who in the world would have thought that it would actually repair itself?!?! The holes in his bones are fixing themselves. WOW! ok, so onto part 2

Part 2:

As a mom of a boy who loves video games, this is proof to all of you nay sayers out there who say that it makes them monsters. If any of ya'll know Randy and Conor, it's their "thing" to play games together. Conor grew up in a gamer house, and believe me, I've gotten A LOT of flack from other parents who say that it will turn them into little brats and make him spoiled, stupid, etc...well get this: In the car on the way to the hospital today he said, "You know what just clicked in my head, I mean I just realized this right now... games aren't as important as my family, friends or God. I need to spend more time focusing on that". So take THAT! He came to that conclusion all on his own. It's proof that even 10 year old boys can make the right choices even when it seems like all they think about is themselves and what they want. Then he wanted to do his homework in the hospital so that he had time to spend with his sister later... now i want to reward him with a video game. Funny, just like God, parents like to reward their children when they make the right choices. Here's a pic of how our life is at this moment, "Homework in the hospital":

UGH!

Well, we're hopefully at the halfway point with chemo. He goes in for round 9 today. Of course it's not without added stress. Gillian came home from school throwing up (from the ibuprofen we gave her to get rid of the headache), and ended up with a fever/sore throat all day yesterday, and still has it. So now I get to figure out what to do with a sick kiddo while we go to his dr's appointment and then to the hospital. Which now of course means that Conor will probably get sick, and he has a huge book report due, and a camping trip this weekend with his boy scouts. Is he gonna get sick before and miss the trip, or after and I get to drive hours to go bring him home. PLUS I have Relay for Life this weekend. Randy was supposed to be home from chemo already, so he was going to have the dogs, and Gillian. Gillian can stay with me and my mom I suppose, but Roxy??? I doubt I can take her too. Who knows, maybe I'll get sick too and we'll all stay home and miss it all. Once again UGH!!!

I guess I asked for it in my last blog. I think I said pain is better than not feeling anything... hmmm.

true feelings, or lack there of...

i woke up this morning wanting to enjoy the day. it's great weather, randy's back at work, kids are almost done at school, so i should feel overwhelmed with joy, right? in reality i woke up not able to feel a thing. i'm learning that your body has a defensive mechanism that actually numbs you from feeling anything if you push it all away for long enough. i have put up walls for so long when i feel the threat of pain coming on, that now i can't feel joy or pain. that's a crappy feeling. i would almost take pain if it meant i felt alive again. at least i know that when i feel pain and sorrow, God is there with me holding my hand. i want to feel SOMETHING again, something to tell me i'm alive. i guess my choice for today is just not to react. i won't go looking for hurt, i'm sure enough of it is on it's way. i do pray that God breaths some joy back into our life again. i promise to be on the lookout for the blessings He gives us daily. i know they are there, i just have to pull my head out of my butt long enough to see them. biggest lesson to myself: walls damage more than they protect...

i guess an update is in order

This week Randy went back to work. It's only temporary, but a huge step for him. It has been 6 months, maybe 7 months since this whole thing started, and he has finally gotten back on the horse. I know that concrete is not what he wants to do with his free time, but music isn't paying off yet, and it feels good for him to get out and stretch his legs. I know he's missed the guys too. They chose a small job to start with, just enough to keep the 2 of them busy without overextending him. He came home sick one day, but the home owner understood completely since he's gone through chemo himself. That actually cheered me up to see a cancer survivor...

So I've stayed busy with work, kids, and chillin out by the pool. There's something good about the sun, a cold drink and good book to cheer up. I still feel like life's out of control, but I'm starting to understand that it may NEVER change. What can you do but just go with it. As long as I get to spend quality time with my family, friends and God, I think I may just make it through the craziness. 12 more days of school! woohoo. I get my kids back and on MY schedule. No more getting up at 5:30. That'll help things.

Looking forward to a fun weekend. Plenty of time in the sun for sure. Let's see how much trouble I can get myself into....

time for change

i need change. i actually crave it. it is what makes me who i am. right now i feel like i'm being held under water because i can't change a darn thing in my life. NOTHING. randy's sick, can't change that. the kids are growing and moving into their preteen stage, can't change that. i can't seem to get ahead at work and bring in enough money to sustain us, i can't loose weight, keep the house clean for more than 2 minutes or even sleep through the night. i want to CHANGE ALL OF THAT, and i can't. i change my hair. big woop. i feel like God is calling me to change something in my life that's of meaning, but what? it's not like i can drop everything and go on a mission trip to india. i would LOVE that. i feel like God has created me to be somebody that i can't be in this lifetime.

i though for the longest time, (and found out recently that randy shares this idea) that i am a controlling person. that's not it! i don't want to be in control. i want the opposite. i want God in control in my life, which He is. i don't want to be the head of the household. that's not what i was created to do. our roles are so reversed right now and it's freaking me out. he stays home with the kids. gets them ready for school. is here to do their homework, and is doing a damn good job at it, while i go to work and bring home a fraction of what he did. i'm not created for this role. Randy with cancer, dealing with life, is still better than me on my best day, so that tells me i'm not living the life God has called me to. it's that cut and dry. i need to change something!!!

sorry to vent. i was told by a couple of people that i have been too vague about my feelings on my blogs, and they were right. they want to know what it's like to deal with life right now. well, here it is. it's not pretty, or fun most of the time, but we do our best to laugh when we can. there just seems to not be any room for fun right now...

some good new though. randy just finished his 8th cycle of chemo, so he's just about halfway through with his treatments. that's something to celebrate once he starts to feel better. i can't wait for this nightmare to be over.

AS A SIDE NOTE!
we have amazing friends who love us. without you guys, we'd be a mess. thank you!!!

Relay for Life

this is a big deal to my family. we are doing this as a family. not only for Randy, but in memory of my father, and also for our friend Darryl Wagner, who was just recently diagnosed with a really bad type of cancer himself. i have teamed up with Burrito Bandito to walk the 24 hour relay for life on May 30th and 31st. i know that financial times are tough, but there are so many people recently that are getting cancer, and i for one want to see it stop. if you would like to join our efforts and sponsor me and my team, i would appreciate it. all of the money goes to cancer research to end this terrible, life altering disease. ( i know i sound like a t.v. spokesperson doing a commercial for hungry children, but i do feel very passionate about this cause, for obvious reasons). below is a link to my page. check it out, join our team or donate if you'd like. we would love to get all of Redding supporting this, since everyone is effected by cancer in one way or another...

http://main.acsevents.org/goto/kristynmiller