joy

there are times in life that you look around when you feel like you have nothing and find joy in the things you do have. we have always been good at that. we have been broke before and still managed to have fun with whatever we had, and know that better times would come. we would eat ramen, cuddle around the tv (if it wasn't shut off), and just enjoy each other's company. we always had our health, so that was something to be thankful for. i have to say, these last 6 months have stripped us of so much, including randy's health and it's getting harder and harder to find joy in the things around us. yesterday, randy asked me if i thought there were times in life that we may just not have joy, and maybe God is teaching us to be ok with that. i'm starting to wonder. i have always been the encourager for randy, since he was for everyone else, but it is really hard on days like these to look over at him, when he looks very frail, and tell him to find joy in something. tv, books, this house, pool, food... all the things that used to bring him joy have no meaning right now. it's contagious too. i have had enough of just laying there watching tv, or reading, i don't like to swim alone, food just makes you gain weight, so why bother since that's another battle i'm fighting. the kids still bring us joy, but they are so independent now, they are either at their friends house, or here with all of there friends. i feel like all i do is clean house do laundry and when i do stop, then i worry. i want to find joy again. i hate feeling like "what's the point?" this morning i woke up with an overwhelming feeling of sadness and i don't want to walk down that road of depression again, that's why i'm venting. maybe some of you guys who have been here can give us some ideas.

Hercules is finished...

It was 4 days of work, blood, sweat and tears.

Randy's sweat, my tears and Mikes blood. (don't ask)

When you see this bad boy in person, you'll see why it's called Hercules.

The BBQ that I bought Randy his first Father's day, finally broke. It was

Time for a new one. Good timing, just in time for Father's day again.

Randy built this thing from scratch. Tons of fun and metal and welding.

Looking forward to many BBQ's with all of you guys who read this.

LAKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they kicked BUTT. championships...15 (ISH).
kobe's rings... 4
Phil Jackson (who I think is the best coach ever, since he also lead the Bulls to several championships) just earned his "X" hat, meaning 10! championships!!!, is the better coach, even though he has 3 more to go to beat an all time record, was AWSOME! WE'RE SO HAPPY!!!
GOTTA GO! yeehaw go cali!!!!

I WANT ONE!!!

really bad. i am so lucky that i can't drive or else i would be consuming this yummy ice cold treat as we speak. i have never craved something so much in my life. what the heck is wrong with me. i should be focused on the fact that my laker's lost game 3 tonight, or that my kids haven't showered yet... all i want is a yummy cold chocolaty frosty with fries. HELP!!!

HAHAHAHAHA!

i found this random picture on my phone and thought i would share with you guys. Roxy loves her daddy. I wonder what she'll think when his hair grows back...?

friends. thank God for friends!

when you hear the words " can i stand here with you", when you're crying and trying to make it through a worship service without trying to think of a way to escape and go home, but you sat too close to the front to duck out, so from now on it's the back of the bus for you baby, those words (made me cry even more) but made me feel like i wasn't completely alone. thank you Kristen for your strength and friendship. thank you for just standing there with me. thanks for not making me feel like all i am, is a wife of a cancer patient. thank you for putting yourself out there for me when i was having a hard day. i really appreciate it...

lots to blog about, but nothing super cool

i guess i have to go back to last weekend. Relay for Life was great. Gillian and i (and my mom) stayed for the whole 24 hrs and walked a big chunk of the time. all in all, we both walked/ran 11 miles and loved every moment of it, that was until we stopped and every muscle in our body hurt. i was not supposed to run. dr's orders... but did i listen, NO! and now i can hardly walk a week later. oh well. i'll have to be creative in my weight loss battle, since walking/jogging and elliptical are out.

the kids got awards this week for school. Gillian for "mathematician of the year" and conor for "perseverance". i do have pics i might post later. i don't want to walk to the truck to get my camera. (see part 1) their last day of school was thursday like everyone else i'd assume. so far they've gotten to look at the pool from the living room and watch the rain fall on it. FUN! they've been a LITTLE edgy about the whole thing. 2 days into summer and i'm already threatening summer school!!! at least they got a little break yesterday at a friends house playing a REALLY cool track game. it's way too addictive though and i might steal it from my kids if we got one, so maybe just leave it for a treat when we go visit.

i think all of you guys know i have taken a leave of absence from work. it's only until the fall when the kids go back to school. i hit a wall that i was afraid i wouldn't be able to come back from, so i decided to take a break before i completely melted down. i am now sleeping better, and spending more time with the family. i get to cook with randy, and WAS walking everyday. we'll see how long i have to wait for that. i'm just in coasting mode for right now. everything feels weird, but i think it's just because everything's in slow motion.

as far as randy goes, he's home until june 17th, and will hopefully be home for father's day. right now he's struggling with something called "neuropathy". it's caused by the last chemo drug they gave him called "vincristine". it effects his nerves at the base of his spinal chord and he feels pain with every heartbeat. it pretty much cripples him. he has to find some quiet happy place and just get through it. lamaze breathing enters in at the worst of it, and he just rocks back and forth. it's really hard to watch him go through it. it's a definite reminder that something's wrong with his body. well's he's up, gotta run...