ps~ i love you

i have asked myself for 2 weeks: what is he holing on for? he has said goodbye, or see you later. he finished his chores. he has loved me with everything in him. so why is he allowing himself to suffer even more than he has?

I think it's not all about him. the man i married lives his life for ME.

tonight, i watched "ps, i love you", with my future in law, my mom and my daughter. i think God had allowed him to hold on for me.

he hasn't left me letters for the future. he has allowed me people to give me gifts BEFORE he dies. letters, songs, movies, people. tonight = closure. that movie made me cry only because it felt like a gift from him BEFORE he said goodbye.

thank you for everything babe.

(don't worry, i will write past the sad parts)

it's days like these that the tears sneak up on you. i can blame my face being wet on the rain, or saying i just yawned or any other excuse, but the fact is, when i looked over at my daughter, and realized we were both trying to hide our tears from each other so we didn't make the other one unduly sad, we both smiled and somehow felt not quite as alone.

until today, i didn't realize how much effort Randy has been putting into this battle. I watched him go through chemo, radiation, the awful pill, loosing his hair, throwing up more than i thought humanly possible, pain than no person should have to endure... that was just half the battle. in the last two years, he has tried to teach the kids everything a dad could teach their children. For Conor: courage,

confidence, honor, respect... math, how to shoot a gun (that came naturally though) gun safety, how to guard his heart when needed. so many things. things that he should have had at least 10 more years to accomplish, but then again, raising a child never stops,

so i hear.

i looked over at Gillian this morning as we were waiting for the bus. it's a cool rainy morning.

days that Randy lives for. that started the thought process down a one way street of sadness.

i looked down and saw her her sparkly purity ring, and the tears started, for both of us. that's when the gravity of how much work Randy has put into this family over the years, and how exhausted he must be, truly hit me. The purity ring is a symbol of their commitment to one another, to stay true to herself and God until her husband

places his own ring on her finger with his own promise. an experience Randy will have to enjoy from a distance. what an amazing gift he has been able to give her though! now, to hold her to it...

so moving past the sadness, (see, told you I would) i stand in awe of the man that God has brought into our lives. if i can push past holding on so tight to the memories of who he was PHYSICALLY, i can focus on the spirit inside of him. the spirit that belongs to God, created before time, and will be waiting for us when OUR work is done. this is a man who came into this world with so much to offer that he gets to graduate early. lucky bum. :) his work on this earth touched so many people. i know that because of all of the love and support, emails, phone calls and texts we have received over these last two years. i actually had to up our cell phone package to accommodate all of them. what a problem to have!

his spiritual gift is an easy one to point out, "encourager". no one would dispute that. even if his tactics seemed a little harsh, he knew that sometimes being tough and brutally honest was the best way to break someone from the bonds of their struggles. there was a gentle side to him which i think most people saw, but let me tell ya, the times that i watched him do his thing and tell people the truth, those are the times i could see the most lasting change. he had the courage to be tough, and not just on the job site.

as our time with him here, is nearing an end, i am starting to see all of the seeds he has planted over the years start to blossom. it may be fall, but Randy can make things happen in the most impossible of times. there is something to be said for shear will and determination. his favorite quote: "never quit, find a way". i'm pretty sure he will find a way to still encourage us even from a distance. if anyone can, Randy is the one.

time to fill you in...

these last 12 days has been AWFUL! I was working up until the 15th. He was totally doing ok, considering. i came home friday afternoon, and our world turned upside down. his pain level shot through the roof. he was throwing up... a lot! by saturday, he was literally on deaths door. he... well, i'll leave out some details, but lets just say, he wasn't wanting to live anymore. at this point, we all scramble. visitors by the dozens, limited to 5 minutes or less, because that's all his stomach could handle. good byes or see ya laters depending on his relationship with said people. 6 different anti nausea drugs at a time, pain pills that would knock out a druggie on a good day. still, he was miserable. then we meet Randy J. his hospice nurse. this guy is AMAZING. a couple of days with him and he decides to try something that hasn't really been tried in the past for nausea, but it is worth the risk. it's a drug that knocks you out for surgery. his angle: to make him comfortable so he can pass in peace. little did he know, it undoubtedly has the opposite reaction on Randy. he walked out one evening as i was talking with tommy and sat down on the couch and started a full on conversation with us.

FREAKED US OUT!!!

we were talking over final preparations, and here Randy sits down, so a subject change is in order. since then, he had been 98% nausea free, sleeping pain free, and having amazing

insightful conversations with his guests. DON'T GET ME WRONG, the end is still in sight, but he will be able to let his body take the pace it wants, and allow us the gift of closure, that we were almost robbed of last week. the nurses are scratching their heads. we are laughing because we have no idea how else to react. it hasn't been without its challenges, but we will take every moment we can get from him. i plan on sharing more as we go, but thought a little update was in order.

i do want to thank everyone for the love and support that has been showered down upon us. not only do me and the kids feel it, Randy knows it too. thank you thank you thank you!

my fuzzy warm blanket

waking up this morning was a roller coaster in the matter of moments. first off, this was the first morning i woke up a little chilly. i don't like being snuggled in bed, then having to get up before the alarm to turn off the fan or turn on the heater. back in the day, it was already taken care of by Randy, who got up at 5 and had the coffee made, dogs fed, heater on...

so this morning, i woke up from a nice dream about being up in a cabin somewhere watching it snow. i remember feeling cold, which is in turn what woke me up. in the moment i pulled my blankets up around me and let my mind revert to the old way of life, i did a mental checklist:

1. why did randy not turn the heater on?

2. is he off today? it must be the weekend and he's sleeping in...

3. is he on tour? no he's right next to me... face covered up with the sheet. a sign that HE'S cold too.

4. why didn't he turn the heater on???

5. oh yeah. crap.

after turning the fan OFF, i hopped back in bed, pulled an extra blanket around me, laid there dazed, forcing myself not to think about how things used to be. i have to focus on the task at hand, and that is making him as comfortable as possible. (still haven't figured out how to do that). i guess i dozed off again, because the alarm went off, and my first reaction was to nudge him and have him get up with the kids. you know, the old game of, "it's your turn to get up with the kids"? yeah. fun game. i guess he won this one :) (bad joke, sorry)

so i got up, made coffee, woke up my babies after staring at them for awhile, not wanting to wake them from a nice dream to face reality, sat down to my blog, and found that my warm fuzzy blanket is my friends and family who love me. in this really hard time, on mornings that i wake up feeling chilled to the bone, i find warmth in the memories of my past, the time still spent with Randy, and the future that will always and forever be tied to the souls, that have filled my heart from the beginning.

i need help to blog this...

instead of writing how i "feel" about Randy dying, how 'bout i let my friends fill in the blanks...

randy is:______________

we are:_______________

God is:________________

the best way to get through this is:__________________

my friends are:_________________

(i'll take this one, AMAZING, LOYAL, SUPPORTIVE AND GODLY!)

k. let me know your thoughts, then i'll give more details later.