...

 i am so happy that God has allowed me to walk this path, even though it may not be exactly what He wanted, and this is the reason... when we have it all together, when we obey all the rules, we aren't needing God in such a desperate way. when we are "perfect" we tend to view those who aren't rule followers as sinners and not worthy of God’s love. i fell victim to this. i am sad at the judgment i bestowed upon others in my past. i love that God loves me enough to allow me to walk in their shoes so i can see the rest of the world as He sees them, and show them the love and acceptance that i so desperately crave right now. society tells me to go hide my face from God in shame, but HE tells me to look up so he can wipe my tears and let me see the love He has for me. being a mom, i can understand that. life has natural consequences, but as a mom, my job is to hold them and love them anyways, especially when they mess up. that's when we need to be held the most. i kinda think God likes it when we need Him as twisted as that may sound. i hate it when my kids are sick, but damn it if that's not when i get to cuddle with them the most.

Jesus understood the broken, because he walked in their shoes. He was hungry, dusty and thirsty. He was scared, deceived and despised. i have been all of these things. the other thing we have in common: God loves us both the same. i will never be able to redeem the whole world like He did, but i will die trying to save those that God gives me to love. in this case, this baby might just grow up to change the word! and as for me and mine "we will never be ashamed".

my favorite verse, once again, "we rejoice in our sufferings knowing that suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, character produces hope. and hope does not disappoint us because of the love that God poured into our hearts through the Holy spirit". Romans 5: 3-5. i will never let go of the hope of a life spent with Christ. i am just fine suffering and being held by God, because if that's where i am at, and people want to see me, they will see Him too!

              

i suppose i can catch up on this blog...

It's been almost 3 1/2 months since i've written. not sure what that means. i usually write when i have more to say than i can get out in a day and it just overflows onto the blog. sometimes i write because i'm feeling overwhelmed, sad or just feel the need to update others of what's going on in the miller household. today, i just simply want to give my self a starting point so i can continue writing again.

state of the family: excited for Molly. we are 3 months away from holding, loving, kissing and spoiling her. the crib is ready for her. she has diapers and a couple of new outfits and more shoes than i have in my collection. i have a feeling she's going to turn this house completely upside down with her presence. we wouldn't have it any other way.

since July, Me, Conor and Gillian have gone to Hawaii, started school and made it through 2/3 of a pregnancy without any hiccups. Robb is now 16 and able to get his licence. GULP! God help us. :) Conor is being home schooled. Gillian is owning the 5th grade. Jim is working his a$$ off to make sure the house runs smoothly, and i'm just trying to keep up. since pictures speak volumes, here's a few i've collected from the last few months:

Hawaii and henna tattoos

The pups, Conor testing out dad's bow and Robb's first day of school.

Baby Molly, Jim realizing Molly comes with pink stuff and us at the punkin patch

It's been busy, fun and trying at times but the love in this house keeps growing, just like my belly and we are loving every moment of it!

what a nice day

It's been way too long since Jim and I have had down time TOGETHER. Today, one by one the kiddos went off to various family members houses for sleepovers, so we have found ourselves on unfamiliar ground of being alone, together. So far, our day has consisted of lunch at Round Table, where we got to order grown up pizza's, eat a salad without anyone looking at us in disgust, and we both colored a picture... with crayons... lol. there was no one there asking for quarters for games or rushing us out the door because they were bored. Next, we walked through the baby and tool section at sears, walked through the rest of the mall like teenagers, got our samples at See's candy, and looked for a game at the game store. (which they didn't have. bummer). We made our way home, without melting completely, and are now hanging out in a quiet living room, watching Michael Buble' and Daves Matthews Band on HD, and deciding what to do with the rest of our night. sigh. what to do? what to do? i know it WILL end with us getting to sleep IN!!! Happy Fourth of July weekend folks.

so far this pregnancy ROCKS!

i really don't want to jinx myself by saying that i haven't been going through morning sickness, but at this point, when i was pregnant with Conor and Gillian, i was throwing up every 30 minutes around the clock for 2 months strait. so far, nada. just a little queezy when i smelt something a little off, but that's it. we're sitting right around 7 weeks, and i am full of energy. i walk with mom and the kids and little dogs 5 days a week. i drink mostly water all day long. my skin looks healthy because of all the hydration.my hair is growing faster thanks to the vitamins. the only drawback is the peeing every 5 minutes and giving up the yummy tastey beverages that could harm the baby. i am so happy at the moment.

i was looking for a dr for about a day, then decided to look into using the midwife that my neighbor has used 4 times, and we meet with her next week. i have always wanted to have a home birth, so maybe this will work out. i trust Deva fully. and to anyone who is concerned, an ambulance is always on alert when a homebirth is going on, just in case. i didn't have any complications before so i say we give it a shot. (by that i mean there will be a shot of whiskey waiting for me on my night stand for as soon as the cord is cut! lol) not kidding BTW. if hospital babies can handle all the drugs given to mom during labor, this one can certainly handle a little bit of whiskey.

lets just hope we're not haveing TWINS!!!

AAAHHHHH! guess what?????

We're having a baby!!!! SQUEAL!

book time

so today, i finally purchased my very own laptop. this is going to go a long way to helping me write the book that i feel called to write. (not to mention the bunches of you who keep telling me to write one) now, do i come up with a title first or just start writing and wait for the name to come to me later? hmmmm, we shall see. for today, i will work on getting the software i need to make my job a little easier. wish me luck!

Family

As you can see by my newly remodeled page, my family has grown by a few new faces. I love each of them so much. Each person in our circle has something to give. Something unique. Something special that no one else but them could bring to the table. Most of the time i just sit back and watch in awe of the gifts that they are. Conor makes me laugh. It's not his jokes, but HIS laugh that gets me to giggling. There's something contagious about his happiness that I can't defend against. Gillian, well, she's just the princess and has 3 boys in this house that dote over her. Anyone who knows her, knows that she is a happy camper because of it. She just spends her day playing music, being an amazing student and my little diva. Robb is just an amazing teenager who never looses. Not in games, arguments or any other social situation. He keeps music in this house and keeps me on my toes and a smile on my face.

 Jim keeps me grounded, focused and safe. I have been able to put my anxiety medication on the shelf. I have seen a new side of life through his eyes. He's taught me how to let go of stupid things that don't matter and give myself a break every once in awhile. He's saved me a lot of money from going to a psychiatrist. LOL Without these two men being in our lives, i would probably be rocking in a corner somewhere and being afraid to let my kids leave my sight.

Roxy and Tuesday

Our first family picture

Conor has Robb to teach him courage and how to not take himself too seriously. With Robb, Gillian has found her male equal. Good Lord, give me strength. I am thankful he absorbs some of her energy for me though. Tuesday and Roxy are inseparable. They are yin and yang, BFF's and the babies of the house. I think, between the two of them, they have more clothes than Gillian!

The 3 Weaver men

I am looking forward to summertime with the kids home and no homework!!!! We went on our first family vacation together last month, and it was EPIC. Nothing like the ocean to draw us closer together. I even got to meet Jim's parents. I love them already. Hoping to head back over to the coast next month to spend some more time with them for Fathers day. 

I am so thankful to the support system that we have, thankful to God for the gifts He gives us daily, the beauty He fills our lives with and the love that no one can take away.

grieving is such a confusing process

there is no rule book. there are a lot of books telling you how you SHOULD grieve, but no one has been through the same exact situation and has been left with the same exact life to live afterwards, so the books should all be thrown into a pile and burned. yes, i understand i am not the first widow with little kids left behind. i actually have 2 very good friends my age going through the same thing, but it's still very different. the kids are different people. us women are all different. our family and friends are different. our financial situations are different. our knowledge of different parts of household maintainence is different...

i was shocked and angry at myself the other day for being angry at Randy. who can be mad at Randy for one, and two, who can be mad at a dead guy??? seriously! it was time to get the yard in order for the summer and all i could be mad at is the fact that the sprinkler system is broken. i was mad that he wan't here to fix it or fix it before he died. (like he just left to go on tour and didn't finish his chores first) can we say misplaced anger?!?!? ugh. THIS sucks! what started out as a day working in the yard, turned into a week of suppressed anger at FN cancer, and ended up with me bawling in the truck because every other little thing that Randy used to do for the me and the kids, he's not here to do, and i have no idea how to do it. the fence is broken, the sprinklers are broken, the math whiz of the house is gone so Conor has no help with homework and is failing. UGH!!! on the very bright side, there is a lot of love, support and laughter in this house again and that trumps all the crap that is threatening to take me out.

aahhh. i feel better. judge me if you will for feeling this way, but then go thank your spouse for all that they do for you. and women, learn a thing or two about "guy things" just in case. jus sayin.

Gardening

i suck at it, but i now see my mistakes, and i plan on fixing it. this is gonna make a few of you guys cringe, those of you who's garden flourishes year after year, but i'm hoping that i can learn from some of you and do better next time.

so, every year, when i pot my flowers or herbs in the pots, i add some little stones to it to help

with drainage. i THOUGHT that i was doing the right thing at the time. come to find out, when the Redding temps heat up, those stones get hot and actually cook the roots, which in turn, kills the plants. this is actually true in our bodies too. when we have

stones in our "soil", nothing will grow, or stay alive for very long. the hardest thing to do is to sift through the dirt, pluck out the rocks and trust that God will drain all excess water away so that we don't drown.

I know that none of this probably makes sense to anyone, but it does to me, and that's why I write this blog. some of my posts are just to keep everyone up to date, but some of them are for me, as reminders of how much God loves me, even when i screw up. His love is so deep for us that He will constantly sift through my dirt until all the weeds and rocks are gone. He is way more diligent at it than i am. This year, no rocks in my garden!!!

Black thread...

life for me has never really been what i would consider easy, but it hasn't been as bad as some either. i have buried my best friend, father and husband, but not a child. i have had a few health issues, but am still alive. i have over indulged with food, alcohol and laziness, but i love veggies water and exercise as well. i have lost a lot of friends along the way, but keep meeting new and interesting people everyday to fill the gap. i have been overweight and depressed, and skinny but HUNGRY. i have known love, lost love, and found it again. i have said "goodbye" forever and "welcome back" to people in the SAME DAY! i have cried when i'm happy and laughed when angry. turned away when i should have helped, helped when i should have taught. i can only imagine how i look to people on the outside who don't truly know who i am. i love the example of the backside of a tapestry. from the back, i look messy, mixed up and confusing. God has used a lot of black thread to create my tapestry, but i think the next color is going to be bright and beautiful. what God sees from the front of my tapestry is a hint of black. it's not the main color. it is only the background to which He builds the rest of life's colors onto. when He created the earth, he started with dirt, THEN added flowers, trees, grass... a sunrise is beautiful because our eyes have been accustomed to the darkness. i know that there will still be some sunsets in my life. we can't close our eyes and pretend that the sun won't set, but we CAN have a couple of candles ready to help guide us through the darkness. my candles are my friends, family and pastors. thank goodness God created light in my life!

so to stay positive...

i have an opportunity to begin again, anew. instead of saying i am now unemployed, i can say i am available to accept a new position at a new business. i have 5 offers at the moment, so i will pray about it and make the right choice for what works for my family. i still feel God calling me out to follow a dream or two. at this point in my life, i have a feeling that my dream job is one that involves me being my OWN boss. one thing i have learned from working for someone else is that i am a leader, not a follower. that is how I was created. i am thankful that God is always there standing behind me and calling me out.

when everything seems dark, He is there. this has been a pretty dark week too, i'm not gonna lie. the veil has been pulled back and peoples true thoughts of me have been revealed. on paper, i look like an emotional, hot headed... weak woman, but in reality, i have never been stronger. don't let my tears fool you. nothing worth it's weight in gold comes easy. life reminds me a little of childbirth. it hurts like hell, feels like the end of the world at times, but then in the end you have a sweet baby in your arms and the pain fades away in the background. i'm patiently awaiting the end of this painful period in my life. i do have a handful of friends to help keep me focused. i have a family that loves me no matter what. i even have two little doggies who try to lick my tears off my face when i come home broken.

it's funny the way life works out. i am going to hold tight to the people i love. i will stand in my truth. and i will never question God about "why" things happen, because the answer will always be the same. He brings all things together for my good. He turns up the heat if i don't seem to be listening. I am free to make my own choices, but He is faithful enough to shine the light on what He feels is right for me. it's like He says, "kristyn, see the light? go get it". i could choose to walk the other way, but let me tell ya, it feels pretty damn good to choose what's right, even if making that choice is super hard. in life, you can't phone it in. you have to get out there, do the hard things and push yourself to be better. i actually like the pain because it reminds me i'm alive and that if it hurts, its probably the right choice!

it comes in three's... always in threes...

really??? this morning, after juggling my schedule to make sure i can possibly go into work for a couple hours to help, and be able to keep other commitments, i had to make sure i was home in time to meet with AT&T since our internet went down. yet on the way to one of my commitments, my truck breaks down. awesome. thanks for that. so i pulled into Holiday and turned the truck off, ran down my list of people to call, (and it has NEVER had the word "auto shop" on it) i was once again aware of how it feels to not have a husband who HAS to come help. so scratch that name off the list. next name, Tommy. called, he's in Tahoe. gives me advice, then i make the next call. The next person is up to his eye balls with work. I really don't want to call Jim at work, but at this point, i have to eat crow and make the call.... he's stuck at work. crap. make another call, got hung up on. awesome again. thanks for THAT! follow up on Tommy's advice and call his brother Kenny. Him and sweet Mandi show up to listen and lend some support. (plus i got my baby fix with Kolae). They follow me home, parked the disabled truck, and then drop me off at Jim's work so i can borrow his car. I run the rest of my errands, come home in time to pay AT&T $60 to fix a 50 cent part, of course, then began unpacking boxes to move back into the house we can't seem to move out of. THEN Gillian comes home with a migraine and pukes a few times. ONCE AGAIN... AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am so disappointed in myself. i have been humbled today. i thought i had stuff handled, but the first moment that something, or 3 things break, i have to call in the army to help. i feel like such a girl. i know i am one, but i can't afford to be "just a helpless girl" at this point in my life. i hate asking for help, but asking for help and running into brick walls is even worse. i am very thankful that Aaron will be able to fix it, and Jim is willing to share his car for a few days...

i am going to lick my wounds tonight, then make a new list of who to call "in the case of emergencies". it's a short list, but when i have those few, i don't need anyone else. thanks guys. and thank you mom and sis for the moral support. you keep me grounded and i need that. love love love!

and P.S.~ i also got pulled over that night for going tooooooo sllooooooowwwwww on the freeway. perfect way to end the day.

aaahhh. peace

so, as i sit here, at this very moment, i can say i feel peaceful. no drama. no sickness. no pain. NO MOVING! i look at the unnecessary packing as getting a head start on spring cleaning. all i have to do today is shower, make snacks and drinks to share with some very missed family, and go hang out and chill. Really? is this a dream??? DON'T WAKE ME!

lol. i am so happy. there are still a few people who are giving me some heartache over some good decisions i've made, but oh well. my main focus is to make sure the kids are happy, everything has a balance between fun and work, and my mind, spirit and emotions are healthy. it's amazing how easy that is to do when your mind is in alignment with God and you have someone to love you.

i am very thankful for our counseling appointments with Ty. she has been a huge rock for us through all of the heartache. it's amazing how one person can change your life in such a profound way. Thank you for that Ty.

there is so much to look forward to. sunshine, bbq's, pool parties, family time, SUMMER VACATION PLEASE??? (half way done with school, thank you LORD!) i just feel beyond blessed. the majority of the people who have been in our lives for years, are still around PLUS i am so happy to be meeting up with old friends from high school, and getting to know some of his friends too. all great people. new perspectives, positive loving people. LOVE IT! see??? happy.

have a great sunday friends. love to you all!!! ♥♥♥

new year. new direction. STILL... a great God!

I am a little taken back by all of the changes that we have gone through this last year. We have been on a really crazy roller coaster. last christmas time, Randy and i were in Hawaii. March was our last family vacation to L.A. Randy battled out the year, finished chemo, did radiation, NEXAVAR, special diets, then we had to say good bye almost 2 months ago now. wow. so now as i sit here and look around, there are boxes everywhere, so much to do, but what it means to me, is a new beginning. not that i'm in a hurry to leave my old life behind, but God has a way of spurring His children on towards the life He has chosen for us. I know that Randy wouldn't want us to sit here and mourn the life we had. we will never forget all of the good times we had. it's fun to look at pictures and laugh, but time keeps ticking, and we need to make new memories.

by the end of this month, we should be all moved into our new place. it's an upgrade which i didn't expect at this point, but true to form, God is sooooo sooooo good to us. i am working part time still. kids are halfway done with school. is that right? oh my word. time flies. me and the kids get to go to hawaii in july. looking forward to that. i have reconnected with a lot of friends from high school, and met a few new ones. AND, we have a couple of really great guys in our lives. father and son... and doggie too. like i said, new beginnings.

life has done a complete 180. its amazing to see just how God brings beauty from ashes. this is not where i expected to be at this point , BUT I'LL TAKE IT! being happy and loved is a good place to be.

i pray that all of you have a very good year! i can't wait to see where this year leads us. lots of fun on the horizon. lots of work to be done too, but that is a good thing. HAPPY NEW YEAR!