oh randy...

friday was just about as eventful as i care to participate in EVER again. the day started off fine. we got up early and worked in the yard before it got too hot. later some friends came over to swim. randy was in his room drumming, getting ready to light the BBQ, when he started shaking. not in a seizure way, but like he was just dropped into the Bering sea and was in the water for 5 minutes, can't catch your breath way. well let me back up. 45 minutes before that, he had to go get his "line" flushed because there was blood in it. they said it was no big deal, so then he came home and 45 minutes later started shaking. 

so he went and covered up in bed, trying to get warm. i took his temp, it was fine at the moment. all i could think of is maybe he had a blood clot and they just loosened it and now it's in his heart. i start crying, but if you know me, usually i handle things first and i don't cry until it's all over. i had a house full of people, thank goodness they were all good friends, i walked out sobbing told everyone to get out and said we're going to the E.R.

 our friend Mike realized i can't drive so he threw us both in our truck and drove 85 miles an hour down 44, through the construction with the hazards blinking making people move, not that they all did, which is for another blog..." rules of the road!", but anyways, we got to the E.R. just to sit there with him shaking, starting to spike a fever, around a bunch of sick people and some guy with a tooth ache. ok, if you have a tooth ache, do you REALLY need to be in the er taking time away from little babies who need to be seen for extremely high fevers and guys with their legs half hanging off?!?!?! grrr. GO HOME AND TAKE TYLENOL! (breath)

 so they take his vitals, send him back out, with a mask and he sits there for 2 hours. he's getting worse and i want to scream. i decided to walk around the corner to the oncology unit, and started crying. his nurses hold me and said they are working on getting him a room. (i called them on our way to the hospital so they kicked people out of his room and got it ready. i LOVE his nurses!!!) they told me he is going to be fine and so i went back and waited another HOUR! oh, and by the way, my cell phone dies in the middle of this whole thing and there are people that i want to talk to and now can't get ahold of. 

so after an hour, i walk BACK down to talk to his nurses, and they were mad that E.R. hasn't even seen him yet. his dr called while i was standing there and was also mad. he told them to go GET him out of that germ infested hallway since he has no immune system to be found. she marched right down there and grabbed him from the nurse who was just finally getting around to checking him out. checked him into his room and immediately started antibiotics. i still had no idea what was going on. all i knew is that he was really sick, the kids and doggies were taking care of and i'm not leaving his side until i knew what the heck was going on. come to find out (the next morning) is that he was neutropenic and had an infection, meaning his white blood cells were at almost zero, and if we hadn't taken him in when we did, he would have died within hours, because of a bacterial infection. the dr. said that it's not like healthy people having germs all around us, with randy, it can actually kill him within hours, and if we don't do something about it, infection spreads like wildfire and there's no way of catching it.

he's doing great today. they controlled his nausea and fever. they are getting his white blood cell count up with painful injections, and he should be able to come home soon. i plan on bleaching the whole house today, furniture and all. i don't care. bleach is going into the carpet shampooer, in the dish water, toilets, etc... if you have an aversion to bleach, don't come over. actually, he won't be able to have company this week. no more taking for granted his immune system, no matter how tough he feels. i'm back to being the hand sanitizer Nazi that i was in the beginning.

L.M.A.O.

2 things...
All that Gillian has been singing since the day that i have been battling with finding my "joy" is "trading my sorrows". the lyrics are great. God has always used her to keep me close to God.

Then Conor just walked out of his room with EVERY piece of his Nerf guns put together and somehow made into this... thing that is huge. he could barely lift it. The look on his face was priceless. he was so proud. i love Nerf for making everything interchangeable. aliens beware...

joy

there are times in life that you look around when you feel like you have nothing and find joy in the things you do have. we have always been good at that. we have been broke before and still managed to have fun with whatever we had, and know that better times would come. we would eat ramen, cuddle around the tv (if it wasn't shut off), and just enjoy each other's company. we always had our health, so that was something to be thankful for. i have to say, these last 6 months have stripped us of so much, including randy's health and it's getting harder and harder to find joy in the things around us. yesterday, randy asked me if i thought there were times in life that we may just not have joy, and maybe God is teaching us to be ok with that. i'm starting to wonder. i have always been the encourager for randy, since he was for everyone else, but it is really hard on days like these to look over at him, when he looks very frail, and tell him to find joy in something. tv, books, this house, pool, food... all the things that used to bring him joy have no meaning right now. it's contagious too. i have had enough of just laying there watching tv, or reading, i don't like to swim alone, food just makes you gain weight, so why bother since that's another battle i'm fighting. the kids still bring us joy, but they are so independent now, they are either at their friends house, or here with all of there friends. i feel like all i do is clean house do laundry and when i do stop, then i worry. i want to find joy again. i hate feeling like "what's the point?" this morning i woke up with an overwhelming feeling of sadness and i don't want to walk down that road of depression again, that's why i'm venting. maybe some of you guys who have been here can give us some ideas.

Hercules is finished...

It was 4 days of work, blood, sweat and tears.

Randy's sweat, my tears and Mikes blood. (don't ask)

When you see this bad boy in person, you'll see why it's called Hercules.

The BBQ that I bought Randy his first Father's day, finally broke. It was

Time for a new one. Good timing, just in time for Father's day again.

Randy built this thing from scratch. Tons of fun and metal and welding.

Looking forward to many BBQ's with all of you guys who read this.

LAKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they kicked BUTT. championships...15 (ISH).
kobe's rings... 4
Phil Jackson (who I think is the best coach ever, since he also lead the Bulls to several championships) just earned his "X" hat, meaning 10! championships!!!, is the better coach, even though he has 3 more to go to beat an all time record, was AWSOME! WE'RE SO HAPPY!!!
GOTTA GO! yeehaw go cali!!!!

I WANT ONE!!!

really bad. i am so lucky that i can't drive or else i would be consuming this yummy ice cold treat as we speak. i have never craved something so much in my life. what the heck is wrong with me. i should be focused on the fact that my laker's lost game 3 tonight, or that my kids haven't showered yet... all i want is a yummy cold chocolaty frosty with fries. HELP!!!

HAHAHAHAHA!

i found this random picture on my phone and thought i would share with you guys. Roxy loves her daddy. I wonder what she'll think when his hair grows back...?

friends. thank God for friends!

when you hear the words " can i stand here with you", when you're crying and trying to make it through a worship service without trying to think of a way to escape and go home, but you sat too close to the front to duck out, so from now on it's the back of the bus for you baby, those words (made me cry even more) but made me feel like i wasn't completely alone. thank you Kristen for your strength and friendship. thank you for just standing there with me. thanks for not making me feel like all i am, is a wife of a cancer patient. thank you for putting yourself out there for me when i was having a hard day. i really appreciate it...

lots to blog about, but nothing super cool

i guess i have to go back to last weekend. Relay for Life was great. Gillian and i (and my mom) stayed for the whole 24 hrs and walked a big chunk of the time. all in all, we both walked/ran 11 miles and loved every moment of it, that was until we stopped and every muscle in our body hurt. i was not supposed to run. dr's orders... but did i listen, NO! and now i can hardly walk a week later. oh well. i'll have to be creative in my weight loss battle, since walking/jogging and elliptical are out.

the kids got awards this week for school. Gillian for "mathematician of the year" and conor for "perseverance". i do have pics i might post later. i don't want to walk to the truck to get my camera. (see part 1) their last day of school was thursday like everyone else i'd assume. so far they've gotten to look at the pool from the living room and watch the rain fall on it. FUN! they've been a LITTLE edgy about the whole thing. 2 days into summer and i'm already threatening summer school!!! at least they got a little break yesterday at a friends house playing a REALLY cool track game. it's way too addictive though and i might steal it from my kids if we got one, so maybe just leave it for a treat when we go visit.

i think all of you guys know i have taken a leave of absence from work. it's only until the fall when the kids go back to school. i hit a wall that i was afraid i wouldn't be able to come back from, so i decided to take a break before i completely melted down. i am now sleeping better, and spending more time with the family. i get to cook with randy, and WAS walking everyday. we'll see how long i have to wait for that. i'm just in coasting mode for right now. everything feels weird, but i think it's just because everything's in slow motion.

as far as randy goes, he's home until june 17th, and will hopefully be home for father's day. right now he's struggling with something called "neuropathy". it's caused by the last chemo drug they gave him called "vincristine". it effects his nerves at the base of his spinal chord and he feels pain with every heartbeat. it pretty much cripples him. he has to find some quiet happy place and just get through it. lamaze breathing enters in at the worst of it, and he just rocks back and forth. it's really hard to watch him go through it. it's a definite reminder that something's wrong with his body. well's he's up, gotta run...