Wednesday, May 26, 2010

oh yeah, i have a blog

i am the queen of forgetting the things that help me the most, those little nuggets of information that makes life a lot easier. for me, blogging helps keep my emotions in check, yet i keep forgetting to blog and all of my thoughts cloud my head and i end up with anxiety and freak out. if you don't believe me, ask my family. i think they're all ready to dunk me in the pool. life keeps happening and i have just been stuffing all of my thoughts away in a compressed file, waiting for a day to unpack it all, but it's been 3 weeks of stuffing and it's full! i guess it's time to for mental spring cleaning...

first thing on my mind: God is good. period. all though sometimes i think He has more faith in my ability to deal with things than i do. I know i have to take responsibility to give my worries to Him instead of holding it all back and stewing on it, but once again, I'm the queen of forgetfulness. He knows my worries, and I'm sure if He was here on earth, He would suggest we sit down, have coffee and talk about it, like a girlfriend would make me do. I guess I don't let my girlfriends do that either, but maybe He would be more successful in the feat. So, God, I'm drinking my coffee, here's what's on my mind:

~My heart ACHES for Rahna, Zack, Jacob and Jaxon. I don't always understand Your plan, how some people have to live life here on earth without the people they grew to depend on and are deeply in love with. I know this hits close to home for me, so maybe I'm a little sensitive, but that will be the first question i ask You when i get there. WHY? I think this one will take me some time to work through. Maybe i should pack that one away for another day.

~My kids are growing up way too fast and it's not only making me feel old, but it's breaking my heart that my son is getting closer to becoming a soldier. This is something that he has wanted since he was knit together in my womb, i'm sure. He came out wanting to protect the world, guns blazing, so God, i ask for peace for me, and courage for him to walk boldly and safely down this path that you created him for. He feels an overwhelming urge to protect. That's awesome.

Gillian, well God, I am thankful that the sky's the limit for her, because her head's in the clouds and her joy makes me smile. You have created her for something big that involves grace, strength and compassion. I know she has my stubborn streak, so that's gotta count for something too, right?

~Randy is still sick. I forget this sometimes. I know i have forced myself not to dwell on it, because it's not healthy to, but I think in trying to forget, I forgot what we are fighting for and why life is the way it is right now. I tend to get impatient when he's not able to do the things he once used to, or when his choices are focused on things HE'S always wanted to do instead of what i want. I SHOULD WANT THAT and i do... when i remember. I'm not calling it his bucket list, because he's not dieing yet, but a list that everyone should have so they can live the life Gods called them to. Drumming is his passion, and it's what connects himself to other people. I am ok knowing it comes first, for the good of others.

~ The questions of "why am i here on earth" has been answered in a weird way. I keep thinking to myself, "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize." 1 corinthians 9:24
I get that passage, but knowing that when I die, my prize will be eternal life, why not spend my life helping OTHER people win gold? I have ALREADY won the day i accepted Christ. If my life is meant to be played out encouraging the broken, feeding the poor, and serving the weary, then I'll do it with everything in me all with a smile on my face if it gets them one step closer to knowing the kind of love i know from Christ. My job may not be glamorous, but it's one i love. College education, who needs it? I don't need the student loans hangin over my head to distract me.

I think that's enough of a mental cleaning as i can handle in one setting. It's time to go to work and think through these things, polish them up and send them on their way. Thank you blog for listening.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Miller Family update

Everything is staying pretty calm, well, as much calm is normal for us. Randy is continuing on with his radiation and is working really hard to make the pills work without completely destroying his hands and feet. He has gotten in a pretty good grove with it all. I think he has a couple more months of radiation to go, then a month or so after that we can have scans done. I am a little shocked that after all the bad news and ups and downs, that we are still able to make something work. Even though he dreads having to go to the Dr. everyday, at least he's fully able drive himself there and then come home and feel pretty normal. My heart breaks for the couple of friends i have that don't have it that way. I know that with good comes bad, so we will take this calm in the storm while we have it, and re-coup from this last year and a half.

HUGE PRAYER REQUEST! We are looking for a place to move to, that's a LOT cheaper than where we are. We have been blessed to be able to stay here and not have to move in the middle of chemo and the really bad sickness. I can't tell you what a blessing that was to us, so thanks to everyone who has supported us for so long. I do have to look down the road a little ways though, and be responsible to not get caught off guard. At this point we will be living off my income, which isn't much, but i know God will help fill in the gaps. Actually, i will be filling in the gaps and letting God drive this ship. This is the point that i feel the gravity of not having a college education. Cleaning houses is a job i love, but not the best way to support a family of 4. I have a feeling that God will surprise us with another path soon enough, so i choose not to freak out.

Other than that, everything is going pretty well. We are REALLY looking forward to summer break. Can't say pool parties are in order unless we move at the end of summer, but our BBQ will follow us wherever we go, so time with friends is still on the menu. And speaking of friends, i have some chores outside to take care of so we can PLAY. Have an amazing weekend friends.