i'm tired...

of pain...of the word MEDI-CAL...of money...people...laundry...cancer...weight gain...ups and downs...
it's time for a change, and not the kind that our president is talking about. i mean REAL honest to goodness, work hard for, time for discipline... change.

starting today, i am focusing on others needs other than my own, trying to be more understanding and less negative, overlooking pain since mind over matter works better than any pain medication or shot of whiskey can do. i'm making sure every penny is spent on what God wants it to be spent on. I'm going to exercise and eat less, do a load of laundry each day... lots of changes.

i guess i am just 1 month behind a new years resolution, but at least i'm getting there.

and so it continues

more medical stuff to deal with. this time it's me. yeah...
so i guess my endometriosis came back and you can now add the possibility of gallstones on top of it. AWSOME! i have sonograms later this week to determine what's going on. i REALLY hope it's nothing, because i personally don't want the scars that come from gallbladder removal. it's all based on vanity. then again, i don't want it to burst, so i guess i will have to do what the dr. says. sheesh! nite guys.

problem solved

i guess the water pump went out which caused some hub with bearings to shake that caused something to do something and something else and then the belt broke... BUT! my brother is a mechanic who knew just what to do, and with randy's help, it is now fixed. so is my cell phone, and i had a REALLY good work day. time to relax and spend time with family. i'm thinking beer and pizza.

Why not?!?!

Picture this... it's been a really long week. I'm tired. Randy's sick. Gillian got suspended. Conor's doing... well. boss is out of town, hence me being tired because I'm doing 2 jobs. cell phone breaks... truck breaks. I'm all alone @ 930 pm with no cell phone, no power steering, truck's overheating, loosing ability to handle truck on the freeway, and I still have to get it home because I'm not walking down the freeway in heals with no jacket, no cash and no phone on a Friday night. so now what do I do? I get it home, how? i don't know. (i probably blew the engine by driving it when i know i should have pulled over) i pull into the driveway, run into the house yelling for my sick husband to come help. he runs out there, shakes his head at the steam coming out of the front, and lifts the hood. he comes back in the house and goes to bed. I look, and the serpentine belt is just hanging there. now what?

i don't sleep. still have to work today. have no idea how to fix the truck other than get it towed to, who? on a weekend? i have to work Monday. i have Dr's appointments on Monday. does insurance cover this kind of thing? how the heck much is this gonna cost?!?!?!? plus I'm in a lot of pain, and am now sleep deprived, and have no idea what to do next. i will start with coffee and prayer.

Motivation

Last Sunday I was able to witness a couple of friends push their bodies harder than I would ever wish to do myself. Tommy and Billy ran a 26 mile marathon, and finished in a time that would make any non-runner walk away scratching their heads, thinking..."why?"

I felt tears of pride welling up in my eyes as i watched these guys pass us @ the 15, 18 and 26 mile mark, running the WHOLE time with a smile on their face. They worked through some serious pain. It has motivated me, not to run a marathon, since it would take an act of God to get me to run more than 1 mile @ a time, but it made me really look inward and search for some purpose, some goal to reach for. Maybe it's to climb Everest someday, maybe it's to conquer the fear of diving, since I'm horribly afraid of drowning... maybe it's just to realize that our bodies were "wonderfully made", (it's a cubbies thing), and i am capable of a LOT more than what I think. Who knows. What I do know is that i am choosing to eat a little healthier, move a little more, and spend a little more time thinking about what I haven't tried to do because of self doubt.

He's home... again.

I have to say, Carrie Schmeck said it best in response to my bad day a couple of days ago. She said something like, "no wonder he's sicker this time, you punched Satan in the face the day before". Yeah, my bad. Sorry Randy. The enemy should be aware by now though, that all the glory goes to God, and he is no match for the One who created Randy strong in the first place. Not to mention all of the prayer warriors out there, and the fact that, if he thinks that he can get Randy to sing a different tune like he tried to get Job to, he's in for another loss. Cancer sucks for sure, and chemo is even worse, but it's still no match for our God.

Satan is trying to trip me up too, by making my life seem miserable and desperate, but by simply stopping and realizing that everything that I have and desire is in God's hands, and I can't control any of it, it takes the power out of Satan's hands once again. HA! I know i just picked another fight with the devil, but I'm just in that kind of mood.

one of THOSE days...

Frick! i can say that, right? too bad if not. i already done did it.

this is one of those days i want to erase and move on from. nothing seemed to go right. Randy's really sick this time. i feel like i have been driving all over town today, and have gotten nothing accomplished. i'm putting myself to bed, and waking up tomorrow to coffee, premade, and i'm not getting out of jammies until AFTER i take the kids to the school bus. i'm gonna be that mom that shows up in a bathrobe with curlers in her hair and coffee in hand. HA! right, who am i kidding, i don't wear curlers...

The enemy is retreating!!!

The results came back and the tumors are shrinking. They did find a tumor on his pancreas too, but it's also getting smaller. They didn't want to diagnose it earlier until they were sure, but the fact that the mass they saw is smaller, it confirmed their suspicions. After the next cycle in February, we will head back down to Stanford for them to give Randy a good look over. He will still have to finish all of the chemo cycles they have mapped out for him, but at least he can go into each one KNOWING that it's doing some good. PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!!

Life lessons

#1~ Bowling in the bowling ally is NOT the same as playing on the wii... your fingers actually have to grip the ball and other people can see you when your ball goes into the gutter.

#2~ Skating is a childhood sport. Keeping that in mind, if you are an adult, preparing to strap on four wheels to each foot and expect to stay ON those four wheels, DO NOT HAVE A BEER WITH LUNCH! Now, i still didn't fall, but it was a LOT harder to control my legs and not fall flat on my butt.

We spent a fun Sunday as a family, that began in the bowling ally, then Viking Skate, now we face the reality of yet another Monday full of the wonderful chemo drug Randy is SOOOO fond of. Please keep up your prayers, especially for Randy's anxiety. 2 down, 7 to go...

"GROSHONG" for dummies...

A Groshong line is a type of tunneled intravenous catheter used for central venous access. Groshongs may be left in place for extended periods and are used when long-term intravenous therapy is needed, such as for chemotherapy. Similar to the Hickman line, the tip of the catheter is in the superior vena cava, and the catheter is tunneled under the skin to an incision on the chest wall, where the distal end of the catheter exits the body. In contrast to the Hickman line, the tip of the Groshong line has a three-way valve which allows infusion as well as blood aspiration while reducing the risk of clotting, air embolism and blood reflux.
The insertion of a central Groshong line is usually done under local anesthetic by a radiologist or surgeon. It involves two incisions, one at the jugular vein and one on the chest wall. At the former, a catheter is inserted into the vein and advanced into the superior vena cava. It is then tunneled under the skin to the second incision. The first one is then sutured. Throughout the procedure, ultrasound and X-rays are used to ascertain the positioning of the catheter. Groshong catheters come in PICC line variations as well.

sorry...again

time keeps ticking away, and it seems like NOTHING's getting accomplished. we are already coming up on his next treatment next Monday, and it seems like he just finished. man!

(since i started this little bit of a blog, randy got out of the shower and said that he had an emergency... once i swallowed back my fear, i realized all he needed was for me to change his dressings. the problem was, he was walking around the house with out anything covering his Groshong, which is bad, considering you have to have sterile gloves and masks on to change it... anyways, i yelled for everyone to stop moving, told him to go to bed and lay down, and DO NOT SPEAK! probably overkill. but oh well. that's part of my personality. get over it folks. so as i was changing it, sweet sweet Sarah Hays brought dinner which was amazing, you should be jealous, and i couldn't visit because i was still steriled up. until the kids opened the bedroom door and let the dog in, who jumped on the bed, and the kids preceded to play with ON THE SAME BED I WAS WORKING ON RANDY ON. Sarah left. we ate. now I'm back)

so Monday he goes back in for round 3. we're going back to the same chemo that cost him his hair. no one's excited. he's depressed. I'm tired. the kids are acting out. GOOD TIMES!
one cool thing, Enjoy magazine printed a really cool article this month. check it out. you can even find it online. here's the link:

http://www.enjoymagazine.net/articles/article/id_cmsarticles/213