book time

so today, i finally purchased my very own laptop. this is going to go a long way to helping me write the book that i feel called to write. (not to mention the bunches of you who keep telling me to write one) now, do i come up with a title first or just start writing and wait for the name to come to me later? hmmmm, we shall see. for today, i will work on getting the software i need to make my job a little easier. wish me luck!

Family

As you can see by my newly remodeled page, my family has grown by a few new faces. I love each of them so much. Each person in our circle has something to give. Something unique. Something special that no one else but them could bring to the table. Most of the time i just sit back and watch in awe of the gifts that they are. Conor makes me laugh. It's not his jokes, but HIS laugh that gets me to giggling. There's something contagious about his happiness that I can't defend against. Gillian, well, she's just the princess and has 3 boys in this house that dote over her. Anyone who knows her, knows that she is a happy camper because of it. She just spends her day playing music, being an amazing student and my little diva. Robb is just an amazing teenager who never looses. Not in games, arguments or any other social situation. He keeps music in this house and keeps me on my toes and a smile on my face.

 Jim keeps me grounded, focused and safe. I have been able to put my anxiety medication on the shelf. I have seen a new side of life through his eyes. He's taught me how to let go of stupid things that don't matter and give myself a break every once in awhile. He's saved me a lot of money from going to a psychiatrist. LOL Without these two men being in our lives, i would probably be rocking in a corner somewhere and being afraid to let my kids leave my sight.

Roxy and Tuesday

Our first family picture

Conor has Robb to teach him courage and how to not take himself too seriously. With Robb, Gillian has found her male equal. Good Lord, give me strength. I am thankful he absorbs some of her energy for me though. Tuesday and Roxy are inseparable. They are yin and yang, BFF's and the babies of the house. I think, between the two of them, they have more clothes than Gillian!

The 3 Weaver men

I am looking forward to summertime with the kids home and no homework!!!! We went on our first family vacation together last month, and it was EPIC. Nothing like the ocean to draw us closer together. I even got to meet Jim's parents. I love them already. Hoping to head back over to the coast next month to spend some more time with them for Fathers day. 

I am so thankful to the support system that we have, thankful to God for the gifts He gives us daily, the beauty He fills our lives with and the love that no one can take away.

grieving is such a confusing process

there is no rule book. there are a lot of books telling you how you SHOULD grieve, but no one has been through the same exact situation and has been left with the same exact life to live afterwards, so the books should all be thrown into a pile and burned. yes, i understand i am not the first widow with little kids left behind. i actually have 2 very good friends my age going through the same thing, but it's still very different. the kids are different people. us women are all different. our family and friends are different. our financial situations are different. our knowledge of different parts of household maintainence is different...

i was shocked and angry at myself the other day for being angry at Randy. who can be mad at Randy for one, and two, who can be mad at a dead guy??? seriously! it was time to get the yard in order for the summer and all i could be mad at is the fact that the sprinkler system is broken. i was mad that he wan't here to fix it or fix it before he died. (like he just left to go on tour and didn't finish his chores first) can we say misplaced anger?!?!? ugh. THIS sucks! what started out as a day working in the yard, turned into a week of suppressed anger at FN cancer, and ended up with me bawling in the truck because every other little thing that Randy used to do for the me and the kids, he's not here to do, and i have no idea how to do it. the fence is broken, the sprinklers are broken, the math whiz of the house is gone so Conor has no help with homework and is failing. UGH!!! on the very bright side, there is a lot of love, support and laughter in this house again and that trumps all the crap that is threatening to take me out.

aahhh. i feel better. judge me if you will for feeling this way, but then go thank your spouse for all that they do for you. and women, learn a thing or two about "guy things" just in case. jus sayin.

Gardening

i suck at it, but i now see my mistakes, and i plan on fixing it. this is gonna make a few of you guys cringe, those of you who's garden flourishes year after year, but i'm hoping that i can learn from some of you and do better next time.

so, every year, when i pot my flowers or herbs in the pots, i add some little stones to it to help

with drainage. i THOUGHT that i was doing the right thing at the time. come to find out, when the Redding temps heat up, those stones get hot and actually cook the roots, which in turn, kills the plants. this is actually true in our bodies too. when we have

stones in our "soil", nothing will grow, or stay alive for very long. the hardest thing to do is to sift through the dirt, pluck out the rocks and trust that God will drain all excess water away so that we don't drown.

I know that none of this probably makes sense to anyone, but it does to me, and that's why I write this blog. some of my posts are just to keep everyone up to date, but some of them are for me, as reminders of how much God loves me, even when i screw up. His love is so deep for us that He will constantly sift through my dirt until all the weeds and rocks are gone. He is way more diligent at it than i am. This year, no rocks in my garden!!!

Black thread...

life for me has never really been what i would consider easy, but it hasn't been as bad as some either. i have buried my best friend, father and husband, but not a child. i have had a few health issues, but am still alive. i have over indulged with food, alcohol and laziness, but i love veggies water and exercise as well. i have lost a lot of friends along the way, but keep meeting new and interesting people everyday to fill the gap. i have been overweight and depressed, and skinny but HUNGRY. i have known love, lost love, and found it again. i have said "goodbye" forever and "welcome back" to people in the SAME DAY! i have cried when i'm happy and laughed when angry. turned away when i should have helped, helped when i should have taught. i can only imagine how i look to people on the outside who don't truly know who i am. i love the example of the backside of a tapestry. from the back, i look messy, mixed up and confusing. God has used a lot of black thread to create my tapestry, but i think the next color is going to be bright and beautiful. what God sees from the front of my tapestry is a hint of black. it's not the main color. it is only the background to which He builds the rest of life's colors onto. when He created the earth, he started with dirt, THEN added flowers, trees, grass... a sunrise is beautiful because our eyes have been accustomed to the darkness. i know that there will still be some sunsets in my life. we can't close our eyes and pretend that the sun won't set, but we CAN have a couple of candles ready to help guide us through the darkness. my candles are my friends, family and pastors. thank goodness God created light in my life!

so to stay positive...

i have an opportunity to begin again, anew. instead of saying i am now unemployed, i can say i am available to accept a new position at a new business. i have 5 offers at the moment, so i will pray about it and make the right choice for what works for my family. i still feel God calling me out to follow a dream or two. at this point in my life, i have a feeling that my dream job is one that involves me being my OWN boss. one thing i have learned from working for someone else is that i am a leader, not a follower. that is how I was created. i am thankful that God is always there standing behind me and calling me out.

when everything seems dark, He is there. this has been a pretty dark week too, i'm not gonna lie. the veil has been pulled back and peoples true thoughts of me have been revealed. on paper, i look like an emotional, hot headed... weak woman, but in reality, i have never been stronger. don't let my tears fool you. nothing worth it's weight in gold comes easy. life reminds me a little of childbirth. it hurts like hell, feels like the end of the world at times, but then in the end you have a sweet baby in your arms and the pain fades away in the background. i'm patiently awaiting the end of this painful period in my life. i do have a handful of friends to help keep me focused. i have a family that loves me no matter what. i even have two little doggies who try to lick my tears off my face when i come home broken.

it's funny the way life works out. i am going to hold tight to the people i love. i will stand in my truth. and i will never question God about "why" things happen, because the answer will always be the same. He brings all things together for my good. He turns up the heat if i don't seem to be listening. I am free to make my own choices, but He is faithful enough to shine the light on what He feels is right for me. it's like He says, "kristyn, see the light? go get it". i could choose to walk the other way, but let me tell ya, it feels pretty damn good to choose what's right, even if making that choice is super hard. in life, you can't phone it in. you have to get out there, do the hard things and push yourself to be better. i actually like the pain because it reminds me i'm alive and that if it hurts, its probably the right choice!

it comes in three's... always in threes...

really??? this morning, after juggling my schedule to make sure i can possibly go into work for a couple hours to help, and be able to keep other commitments, i had to make sure i was home in time to meet with AT&T since our internet went down. yet on the way to one of my commitments, my truck breaks down. awesome. thanks for that. so i pulled into Holiday and turned the truck off, ran down my list of people to call, (and it has NEVER had the word "auto shop" on it) i was once again aware of how it feels to not have a husband who HAS to come help. so scratch that name off the list. next name, Tommy. called, he's in Tahoe. gives me advice, then i make the next call. The next person is up to his eye balls with work. I really don't want to call Jim at work, but at this point, i have to eat crow and make the call.... he's stuck at work. crap. make another call, got hung up on. awesome again. thanks for THAT! follow up on Tommy's advice and call his brother Kenny. Him and sweet Mandi show up to listen and lend some support. (plus i got my baby fix with Kolae). They follow me home, parked the disabled truck, and then drop me off at Jim's work so i can borrow his car. I run the rest of my errands, come home in time to pay AT&T $60 to fix a 50 cent part, of course, then began unpacking boxes to move back into the house we can't seem to move out of. THEN Gillian comes home with a migraine and pukes a few times. ONCE AGAIN... AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am so disappointed in myself. i have been humbled today. i thought i had stuff handled, but the first moment that something, or 3 things break, i have to call in the army to help. i feel like such a girl. i know i am one, but i can't afford to be "just a helpless girl" at this point in my life. i hate asking for help, but asking for help and running into brick walls is even worse. i am very thankful that Aaron will be able to fix it, and Jim is willing to share his car for a few days...

i am going to lick my wounds tonight, then make a new list of who to call "in the case of emergencies". it's a short list, but when i have those few, i don't need anyone else. thanks guys. and thank you mom and sis for the moral support. you keep me grounded and i need that. love love love!

and P.S.~ i also got pulled over that night for going tooooooo sllooooooowwwwww on the freeway. perfect way to end the day.