Black thread...

life for me has never really been what i would consider easy, but it hasn't been as bad as some either. i have buried my best friend, father and husband, but not a child. i have had a few health issues, but am still alive. i have over indulged with food, alcohol and laziness, but i love veggies water and exercise as well. i have lost a lot of friends along the way, but keep meeting new and interesting people everyday to fill the gap. i have been overweight and depressed, and skinny but HUNGRY. i have known love, lost love, and found it again. i have said "goodbye" forever and "welcome back" to people in the SAME DAY! i have cried when i'm happy and laughed when angry. turned away when i should have helped, helped when i should have taught. i can only imagine how i look to people on the outside who don't truly know who i am. i love the example of the backside of a tapestry. from the back, i look messy, mixed up and confusing. God has used a lot of black thread to create my tapestry, but i think the next color is going to be bright and beautiful. what God sees from the front of my tapestry is a hint of black. it's not the main color. it is only the background to which He builds the rest of life's colors onto. when He created the earth, he started with dirt, THEN added flowers, trees, grass... a sunrise is beautiful because our eyes have been accustomed to the darkness. i know that there will still be some sunsets in my life. we can't close our eyes and pretend that the sun won't set, but we CAN have a couple of candles ready to help guide us through the darkness. my candles are my friends, family and pastors. thank goodness God created light in my life!

so to stay positive...

i have an opportunity to begin again, anew. instead of saying i am now unemployed, i can say i am available to accept a new position at a new business. i have 5 offers at the moment, so i will pray about it and make the right choice for what works for my family. i still feel God calling me out to follow a dream or two. at this point in my life, i have a feeling that my dream job is one that involves me being my OWN boss. one thing i have learned from working for someone else is that i am a leader, not a follower. that is how I was created. i am thankful that God is always there standing behind me and calling me out.

when everything seems dark, He is there. this has been a pretty dark week too, i'm not gonna lie. the veil has been pulled back and peoples true thoughts of me have been revealed. on paper, i look like an emotional, hot headed... weak woman, but in reality, i have never been stronger. don't let my tears fool you. nothing worth it's weight in gold comes easy. life reminds me a little of childbirth. it hurts like hell, feels like the end of the world at times, but then in the end you have a sweet baby in your arms and the pain fades away in the background. i'm patiently awaiting the end of this painful period in my life. i do have a handful of friends to help keep me focused. i have a family that loves me no matter what. i even have two little doggies who try to lick my tears off my face when i come home broken.

it's funny the way life works out. i am going to hold tight to the people i love. i will stand in my truth. and i will never question God about "why" things happen, because the answer will always be the same. He brings all things together for my good. He turns up the heat if i don't seem to be listening. I am free to make my own choices, but He is faithful enough to shine the light on what He feels is right for me. it's like He says, "kristyn, see the light? go get it". i could choose to walk the other way, but let me tell ya, it feels pretty damn good to choose what's right, even if making that choice is super hard. in life, you can't phone it in. you have to get out there, do the hard things and push yourself to be better. i actually like the pain because it reminds me i'm alive and that if it hurts, its probably the right choice!

it comes in three's... always in threes...

really??? this morning, after juggling my schedule to make sure i can possibly go into work for a couple hours to help, and be able to keep other commitments, i had to make sure i was home in time to meet with AT&T since our internet went down. yet on the way to one of my commitments, my truck breaks down. awesome. thanks for that. so i pulled into Holiday and turned the truck off, ran down my list of people to call, (and it has NEVER had the word "auto shop" on it) i was once again aware of how it feels to not have a husband who HAS to come help. so scratch that name off the list. next name, Tommy. called, he's in Tahoe. gives me advice, then i make the next call. The next person is up to his eye balls with work. I really don't want to call Jim at work, but at this point, i have to eat crow and make the call.... he's stuck at work. crap. make another call, got hung up on. awesome again. thanks for THAT! follow up on Tommy's advice and call his brother Kenny. Him and sweet Mandi show up to listen and lend some support. (plus i got my baby fix with Kolae). They follow me home, parked the disabled truck, and then drop me off at Jim's work so i can borrow his car. I run the rest of my errands, come home in time to pay AT&T $60 to fix a 50 cent part, of course, then began unpacking boxes to move back into the house we can't seem to move out of. THEN Gillian comes home with a migraine and pukes a few times. ONCE AGAIN... AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am so disappointed in myself. i have been humbled today. i thought i had stuff handled, but the first moment that something, or 3 things break, i have to call in the army to help. i feel like such a girl. i know i am one, but i can't afford to be "just a helpless girl" at this point in my life. i hate asking for help, but asking for help and running into brick walls is even worse. i am very thankful that Aaron will be able to fix it, and Jim is willing to share his car for a few days...

i am going to lick my wounds tonight, then make a new list of who to call "in the case of emergencies". it's a short list, but when i have those few, i don't need anyone else. thanks guys. and thank you mom and sis for the moral support. you keep me grounded and i need that. love love love!

and P.S.~ i also got pulled over that night for going tooooooo sllooooooowwwwww on the freeway. perfect way to end the day.

aaahhh. peace

so, as i sit here, at this very moment, i can say i feel peaceful. no drama. no sickness. no pain. NO MOVING! i look at the unnecessary packing as getting a head start on spring cleaning. all i have to do today is shower, make snacks and drinks to share with some very missed family, and go hang out and chill. Really? is this a dream??? DON'T WAKE ME!

lol. i am so happy. there are still a few people who are giving me some heartache over some good decisions i've made, but oh well. my main focus is to make sure the kids are happy, everything has a balance between fun and work, and my mind, spirit and emotions are healthy. it's amazing how easy that is to do when your mind is in alignment with God and you have someone to love you.

i am very thankful for our counseling appointments with Ty. she has been a huge rock for us through all of the heartache. it's amazing how one person can change your life in such a profound way. Thank you for that Ty.

there is so much to look forward to. sunshine, bbq's, pool parties, family time, SUMMER VACATION PLEASE??? (half way done with school, thank you LORD!) i just feel beyond blessed. the majority of the people who have been in our lives for years, are still around PLUS i am so happy to be meeting up with old friends from high school, and getting to know some of his friends too. all great people. new perspectives, positive loving people. LOVE IT! see??? happy.

have a great sunday friends. love to you all!!! ♥♥♥

new year. new direction. STILL... a great God!

I am a little taken back by all of the changes that we have gone through this last year. We have been on a really crazy roller coaster. last christmas time, Randy and i were in Hawaii. March was our last family vacation to L.A. Randy battled out the year, finished chemo, did radiation, NEXAVAR, special diets, then we had to say good bye almost 2 months ago now. wow. so now as i sit here and look around, there are boxes everywhere, so much to do, but what it means to me, is a new beginning. not that i'm in a hurry to leave my old life behind, but God has a way of spurring His children on towards the life He has chosen for us. I know that Randy wouldn't want us to sit here and mourn the life we had. we will never forget all of the good times we had. it's fun to look at pictures and laugh, but time keeps ticking, and we need to make new memories.

by the end of this month, we should be all moved into our new place. it's an upgrade which i didn't expect at this point, but true to form, God is sooooo sooooo good to us. i am working part time still. kids are halfway done with school. is that right? oh my word. time flies. me and the kids get to go to hawaii in july. looking forward to that. i have reconnected with a lot of friends from high school, and met a few new ones. AND, we have a couple of really great guys in our lives. father and son... and doggie too. like i said, new beginnings.

life has done a complete 180. its amazing to see just how God brings beauty from ashes. this is not where i expected to be at this point , BUT I'LL TAKE IT! being happy and loved is a good place to be.

i pray that all of you have a very good year! i can't wait to see where this year leads us. lots of fun on the horizon. lots of work to be done too, but that is a good thing. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

12 days of Christmas!

some one or some bodies, are loving the Miller's this year.

so far we've had 4 days of christmas and it has become the highlight of our day.

day 1, our neighbor handed us a bag, and said she didn't know who it was from. it was filled with candy and a movie gift card. i looked at her like, what the heck? how can u not know who this is from??? she just simply said, read the card again.... "on the first day of christmas..." hmmm. ok. so cool.

the next morning, there were 2 candlesticks on our door step. "on the second day of christmas..." oooohhh ok, i am getting this.

"on the 3rd day of christmas: 3 gift cards. Conor=game stop, Gillian=target, me= Victoria SECRET!

"on the 4th day of christmas: 4 pairs of socks, (i got 2 haha) and "everything we need for a cozy night at home". (yummy goodies)

so to be able to thank whomever this is that's doing this, since you are so sneaky, hopefully you read my blog and see the joy you are bringing us this year. THANK YOU!!!! and Merry Christmas!

(i'll comment with the rest of the days as we go.) so amazing!!!

day 5: chucky cheese tokens and a pizza gift card

day 6: 6 jamba juice cards

day 7: a BUNCH of cool stuff to do with the family

day 8: ginger bread house, ginger bread man, a beautiful tree etc...

day 9: angel , picture frame, yummys

oh man.... REALLY???

i promised myself to wait til morning to write this so that i was level headed and not just reacting out of hurt. guess what? it's morning...

how to begin... how's about i start with the bad and end this on a good note...

i feel i must state the obvious first. Randy got cancer 2 years, 2 months and 2 weeks ago. i feel i have to remind everyone that i haven't forgotten that. me and the kids lived it every moment of every day! we grieved, we hoped, we prayed, we grieved some more. we drew close to each other, we drew close to God, to our friends. we received so much love and support it was overwhelming at times. randy and i talked all the time, and those closest to him, knows how he was when he started to talk. he's was encouraging, inspiring, brutally honest and had a 10 point presentation to follow it all up. then it was: "repeat repeat repeat" until you really understood what he was trying to say. no one will ever know the conversations we had about family, God, our future, what he wanted my life to look like when he was gone. all you know are the conversations YOU had with him on whatever subject came up. so i can pretty much guarantee that not one person reading this had the actual conversation with him that i will be discussing in a moment. (not that it's anyones business, but i need to know where i stand in people's lives, so i know which direction to head in).

topic: me falling in love again

Randy: "kris, you will love again, you will catch sh** from people for it, but you will love again and deserve to be loved, so you just have to let it happen and not put up walls". i kept telling him that wasn't a conversation i was willing to have with him because he was still here, in my arms. it's not just weird, but my heart was not in a position to love anyone else. his biggest request was that i put the kids first (duh) and listen to my heart when i felt it was time to love again. it was a very one sided conversation because i just listened and internally grieved the fact that our marriage was ending and not by choice, and in the end he would be gone. the man that i gave my heart to, had children with and planned a future with passed away into God's arms and out of mine.

just in case anyone reading this hasn't attended a wedding, there is a line in there that says "til death do us part". if you were married and had to eat those words because the person you told that to actually did die, then i am sorry for your loss, and i hope that you had the opportunity to have the conversations with your spouse that i had with mine. i know how he felt, i know what he wanted and i know the promise i made to him. i just didn't think that it would all go down so soon...

~side note (again) if you are reading this and are appalled with anything that i am saying, i hope that you do one of 2 things: pray about it and let God speak to your heart or quietly unfriend me on facebook, go live your own life, make your own decisions and let me live my own. thank you very much.

now that that is out of the way, on to the good stuff. since some of you have asked and prayed for me to be happy. well, guess what. I am. i have been given a gift from God to be happy. in the darkest of times, God says he will be a "lamp upon my feet". He will "show us the way". ETC ETC ETC. there are so many verses that I could quote, but since i'm not here to sell you on my relationship with God, i will just simply say: i believe in His word. i was put on a path a long time ago, before i was even born, and i am walking it beside Him. i am praying, talking, crying, all while being held by God. He doesn't let us go too far astray without directing us back to the path, so we can continue on with the work He has for us. Randy died. it was a real dark time, so it was a time that i drew closer to God and felt Him more than ever. it's hard to go astray when being carried by your maker because you can't put one foot in front of the other. He won't take a step in any direction that wasn't right. not even one inch in the wrong way. He can't. at some point, He sets us down, helps us get our footing again, and shines the light in the direction we are to go. one morning i looked up, and there was another set of footprints joining up with mine. for me, they were familiar footsteps. i recognized them to be the footsteps i crossed paths with in high school. thought to myself "hmmm, well, alrighty then". as i kept taking each new step, i realized that I wasn't taking a step off the path. not one. the other set of footprints kept walking next to mine, even helped me slow the pace a little. just as i am not here to sell you on my relationship with God, i am also not going to sell you on this beautiful relationship i am in. me him, the kids (who LOVE HIM) are in it. God is there in the middle of it all.

i knew my circle of friends would change once Randy passed. my mom warned me to not take it personally, but it still hurts to be un-invited to a function, because i am no longer Randy's wife, and choosing to do what Randy told me to do in the first place, and that was to be happy. i think it's comical that people would rather me sit home alone, be sad, lonely and depressed, KNOWING the man randy was. HE IS STILL HERE. no one has forgotten. the kids and I are doing all of this TOGETHER and all of it is right. no red flags, no bells going off in my head telling me to stop. not ONE! not even from my baby girl who tends to try to be my "boss", is more than happy with ALL OF THIS! the people who are closest to me, who's opinions actually count, are happy to see me happy. they know that i have grieved for 2 years, 2 months and 2 weeks! at some point you have to ask yourself when enough is enough. the grief isn't over. i will always love randy. always, and no one is asking me to stop. no one is asking me to take down pictures of our family, to put the humidor away, to get over it. it's quite the opposite actually.

i am taking each day in stride, trusting in my God, my heart and my soul where to go next. i fully expect my facebook "friends" to be cut in half, since a lot of them were Randy's friends, and not mine. i will not delete anyone. if you want to stay in my life, GREAT! if not, well thanks for stopping by...

♥