this might be a long one

God has stomped His foot down. Not like a child throwing a tantrum, but as a Father declaring His will for me. It is by no coincidence that the events of this last year and even more recently, this last week have led me to where i am right now at this moment.

A little over a year ago, right after Randy's diagnosis, a total stranger at the time, gave me 2 sets of "the Purpose Driven Life" and a journal to go with each book. I thumbed through it, but with all that we have gone through this year, it just wasn't the time to focus on the future, but to focus on the task at hand, which was keeping Randy alive. So i shelved them... until this morning.

I woke up this morning, feeling more defeated than i have, probably ever. I feel like my heart was wrung out one too many times and i was fearful of who i have become. I am so nervous about tomorrow's appointment with Dr. Collins. It will literally change our future, whatever the outcome. He's either healed or he's not. (I'm not taking away God's ability for healing in the future, but i do feel in my gut, the importance of tomorrow). It is also by no coincidence that we have quieted ourselves this week so we can hear God's will for us. Plus, with a not so gentle, but well founded nudge from a friend, God broke through the last thread of "myself" that i was holding onto. That literally left me paralyzed with a broken heart and spirit. JUST WHERE GOD WANTED ME!

I picked up and finished another vampire book, turned on the TV, then turned it off. I felt restless. Then i took a deep breath, walked over to my book shelf, pushed past the piles of books and found 2 dusty books that caught my attention. Purpose Driven Life. "ok God, this is our day..." After reading the preface and looking through the journal i decided that i didn't want to walk this 40 day road alone. I know that it would be a great book to build a friendship on, but God was calling me to walk this road with Randy. I came out to the living room, got him and we started talking and crying, (mostly me), and we committed to walk this road together. There's even a place to sign a covenant together, committing to this walk. How appropriate.

Whatever tomorrow brings, whatever mistakes of the past, we will always have God in our lives, and He loves us. I loved a psalm that a friend found recently. Psalm 143. Reading it fills me with purpose and hope. I am very thankful for the very breath I have, even if it's only for today.