oh my goodness

i have the privilege of taking care of a beautiful 17 month, baby girl this week. we are really enjoying her so much. we got into a great routine with school, homework, dinners baths etc... trying to accommodate a toddler in a non-baby proofed home, and then we got a call from the dr. saying that randy had to go back in for chemo this week. we thought it was next week. so on top of working a lot, and detentions, and a sick boy, and trying to get into the swing of school and new teachers, and using "mommy muscles" i haven't used in years, i am running up to the hospital 2 times a day to take randy food and make him feel loved. trying to make sure i'm spending as much time as i can to make my kids feel loved. and all the while wanting my way. i figured out this week that's not possible. i think i'm going to go on a little mini vacation this month between chemo cycles, and BEFORE randy goes in tour. i am about to loose my mind. i do not regret keeping the baby, only that it fell on chemo week. (i have a feeling that the baby's getting sick though, shhhh) wouldn't that be nice, ugh. i brought this all on myself i suppose. i think God's trying to see how far i can stretch without breaking. crying helps. crying and cleaning. the worst part is, the more i clean, more messes keep appearing. stains on the carpet (i'm also keeping their dog too) so i keep cleaning. cleaning and crying... i think i need a nice big hug, a pedicure and some loud music without interruption. i hate turning down the radio to answer a question that usually has something to do with some odd ball trivial thing that is important to an 8 year old, so it should be important to me. (did i mention that i want things my way right now?) enough venting. time to tuck in the kids and clean up the house. again.