so...it's not the holidays that hurt..

it's the days after. being with all of our family on thanksgiving was WONDERFUL, it's the quiet times after we say goodbye that really sucks. "black friday" was spent going back to moms and hanging out, decorating. it was a great time. today, bowling, then spending the night with my mom and sis out in cottonwood. i can keep myself super busy, and keep from being alone, but all i end up with is being worn out and eventually still have to come home to face reality.

school starts again in two days, and i have the option to find someone to hang out with and stay busy, or stay home, lock the door and start going through all of our stuff, packing and preparing to move. oh yeah, and look for a place to move. that process will have to start sometime. seeings how i'm a "rip the band aid off quick" kind of girl, i am thinking Monday will be a day for xanax, tissues and locking the door. waking up to reality is BS most of the time if you're honest with your self.

*a side note to the few that have said i need to move on past the anger stage into acceptance and move on with my life...hasn't had to loose their husband 3 weeks before the holidays, your birthday and sick kids all at once. (plus you're probably not reading this, you just go off of my status on Facebook, and may not even understand or cared to ask what happened at that very moment i posted something), I am NOT mad at God! i am BROKEN HEARTED! the anger comes out when you try to go get something out of the garage so you can go on a tree run with the kids, but need all the snow gear, and all you can see in front of you are things you can't reach, or all of the things that were his, because the garage was him domain. or trying to find that one "part" you need and he's the only one who knew where it was. so yeah, if you REALLY want to see me angry, keep writing my emails telling me how to better handle my emotions.

~for the rest of you who actually have gone through a loss or have grieved right along with us these last two years, thank you for being supportive and letting me vent. i don't plan on being in the anger/depressed stage forever, and allowing me to get out how i feel really does help me get to the "ok" stage a little faster.

live for the here and now!

a FEW people over the last couple of weeks have given advice on how to cope with loosing a spouse. there are some that makes sense and some that just isn't me, but this is one thing that started a whole conversation, that really got me to thinking about life in general.

"just keep your eyes fixed on heaven, you'll be with him soon".

very sweet and very true, but if i find it's hard to do my work here on earth, if i'm always looking up. God put me here for a reason. i am not supposed to be in heaven right now. God separated heaven and earth, numbered our days, and then put us in the game. if a player is out on the field, constantly yearning to be on the sidelines, he's gonna get bowled over!

it's also like when you're a kid, counting the days until you're an adult, and trying to be older than you really are, you miss out on being a kid. why would i want to fast forward through my life, that's already going too fast? i need time to finish my task here on earth.

our spirits have a natural reaction to fight to stay here. i saw my superman do that for weeks. that drive is God given. He did not place in me a faint heart, too afraid to live life with boldness. He did however leave a hole in my heart that only He can fill. looking at the sky is not going to fill that. reading His word, loving His children, and fighting hard for what He stands for, fills that hole enough, until He heals it WHEN i get to heaven. i know that i will get there someday, but just like going on vacation, you don't start packing in December if you're not leaving til June. there's work to be done first, or else you won't even be able to afford the trip!

live your life in such a way that you don't leave this life empty handed. God won't mind if you bring a few extra guests with you. the more the merrier!

our new norm...

to be honest, it has been nice to get back to some sort of normalcy. the kids are back in school. i started work on Monday. my mind can rest knowing Randy is out of pain. our hearts are still breaking. little things sneak up on us that take us back to reality, but all and all, we are surviving after our world has been turned upside down.

i can not explain to anyone that hasn't been here for the ending, how in the world we are doing this. day by day, hour by hour? yeah, but it's more than that. now that his body has released his spirit inside, it's almost like he's all around us, all the time. i guarantee that he was partying with us last saturday. i know he rocked out to the songs, enjoyed seeing pictures of him with his friends and family, maybe even realized how handsome he really was... i hope he is able to see things through the eyes of God now.

me and the kidletts have embarked on a new life, learning how to cope with the hole in our chests. we miss him terribly and half expect him to come walking around the corner any moment. only through God can we make it through, but we are holding on the the promise that He WILL get us through. He always has. i just have to either keep having people over for dinner so i still get to cook good food and have a real reason to go to the grocery store, OR learn to like the stuff the kids choose to eat. cooking for one is no fun.

i plan on uploading the slideshow from his party sometime this weekend when i figure out how to do it. it's about 45 minutes long, but i know some of you have asked to see it, so i will try.

LoVE

i feel it.

i feel it with the food.

i feel it with the flowers.

i feel it in the hugs, tears, laughter...

i am blessed to have so many amazing people in my life.

tomorrow will be a week.

tomorrow, we receive Randy's body back, in a new form.

the kids are excited. i'm nervous.

how am i going to react to have my husband... in a box.

granted, the box is a kick a** humidor i bought him for a special occasion years ago, and has been a part of this household for years, but still. how can one amazing man like Randy, fit in a box???

weird.

for tonight, i will focus on the here and now. my kids, family, friends, roxy. (roxy would be mad that i put her last. shhhh. don't tell her)

anyways... love is the order of the day. i want to share it with all of you.

I LOVE YOU!

there.

goodnight.

Wait upon the Lord

I guess i should get this down before i forget, or run out of tissues.

The whole time i have known Randy, he has been trying to teach me patience. My parents couldn't do it, my kids TRY my patients, but no one could teach it to me, until now.

Yesterday, after asking God and Randy why? why in the world are you holding on? How are you still here? your body is literally NOT functioning. WTF is what i said to myself on more than one occasion. the dr's and nurses were scratching their heads. on paper, Randy should have been gone a long time ago. all they could say is that he is a strong man. yeah, we know that... tell me something i don't know.

Pastor Dave did. He said "wait upon the Lord". really? there it is again. Patience. grrr!!!

The Lord gives you each breath, each minute. wait on HIM... ok. FINE!!!

since i am sick, i had taken some cold medicine and was ready for a nap. i said goodnight to everyone and cuddled up with Randy and Roxy. I started talking to God, thanking Him for teaching me a lesson that was long over due. Patience. Waiting upon the Lord is so hard. Randy literally spent his last breath teaching me that. As soon as my prayer ended, thanking God for Randy, for our lives together, and for the strength He has given us to wait upon Him, Randy took his last breath. literally. at that moment, his job was done. un fricken believable!

There's more to this story, lots more to put down on paper, but for now, that's all this heart can handle.

ps~ i love you

i have asked myself for 2 weeks: what is he holing on for? he has said goodbye, or see you later. he finished his chores. he has loved me with everything in him. so why is he allowing himself to suffer even more than he has?

I think it's not all about him. the man i married lives his life for ME.

tonight, i watched "ps, i love you", with my future in law, my mom and my daughter. i think God had allowed him to hold on for me.

he hasn't left me letters for the future. he has allowed me people to give me gifts BEFORE he dies. letters, songs, movies, people. tonight = closure. that movie made me cry only because it felt like a gift from him BEFORE he said goodbye.

thank you for everything babe.

(don't worry, i will write past the sad parts)

it's days like these that the tears sneak up on you. i can blame my face being wet on the rain, or saying i just yawned or any other excuse, but the fact is, when i looked over at my daughter, and realized we were both trying to hide our tears from each other so we didn't make the other one unduly sad, we both smiled and somehow felt not quite as alone.

until today, i didn't realize how much effort Randy has been putting into this battle. I watched him go through chemo, radiation, the awful pill, loosing his hair, throwing up more than i thought humanly possible, pain than no person should have to endure... that was just half the battle. in the last two years, he has tried to teach the kids everything a dad could teach their children. For Conor: courage,

confidence, honor, respect... math, how to shoot a gun (that came naturally though) gun safety, how to guard his heart when needed. so many things. things that he should have had at least 10 more years to accomplish, but then again, raising a child never stops,

so i hear.

i looked over at Gillian this morning as we were waiting for the bus. it's a cool rainy morning.

days that Randy lives for. that started the thought process down a one way street of sadness.

i looked down and saw her her sparkly purity ring, and the tears started, for both of us. that's when the gravity of how much work Randy has put into this family over the years, and how exhausted he must be, truly hit me. The purity ring is a symbol of their commitment to one another, to stay true to herself and God until her husband

places his own ring on her finger with his own promise. an experience Randy will have to enjoy from a distance. what an amazing gift he has been able to give her though! now, to hold her to it...

so moving past the sadness, (see, told you I would) i stand in awe of the man that God has brought into our lives. if i can push past holding on so tight to the memories of who he was PHYSICALLY, i can focus on the spirit inside of him. the spirit that belongs to God, created before time, and will be waiting for us when OUR work is done. this is a man who came into this world with so much to offer that he gets to graduate early. lucky bum. :) his work on this earth touched so many people. i know that because of all of the love and support, emails, phone calls and texts we have received over these last two years. i actually had to up our cell phone package to accommodate all of them. what a problem to have!

his spiritual gift is an easy one to point out, "encourager". no one would dispute that. even if his tactics seemed a little harsh, he knew that sometimes being tough and brutally honest was the best way to break someone from the bonds of their struggles. there was a gentle side to him which i think most people saw, but let me tell ya, the times that i watched him do his thing and tell people the truth, those are the times i could see the most lasting change. he had the courage to be tough, and not just on the job site.

as our time with him here, is nearing an end, i am starting to see all of the seeds he has planted over the years start to blossom. it may be fall, but Randy can make things happen in the most impossible of times. there is something to be said for shear will and determination. his favorite quote: "never quit, find a way". i'm pretty sure he will find a way to still encourage us even from a distance. if anyone can, Randy is the one.