well, good morning

i am choosing to start this day out with a positive attitude. at least i'll have room to fall if the day turns out like it has been lately. i never realized how hard it was going to be going back to work full time, learning a new career, and juggling a family. i miss them so much. i have mastered not worrying about them while i'm at work, simply because if my mind's not completely focused on the task at hand, i could cut, burn, or poke myself with something sharp. i know this by personal experience. the first week was the worst, but i have slipped up and let life into my mind on occasion, and then bbbzbzbzzzz, there goes the diamond blade into my thumb... i don't like scars, so that's great motivation to not even check my phone, email or facebook while i'm at work. the drama can wait until 3.

i am a little chipper today though. even though it's thursday, it's my FRIDAY! i am taking tomorrow off to prepare for Tommy and Destiny's wedding up at Mt. Shasta. it will be nice to get out of town and enjoy a little cooler weather with lots of people we love. i pray for no worries for the bride, no stress for anyone else and absolutely NOOOO drama. i might just take earplugs and act like i care about peoples problems this weekend. wow, that sounds mean. oh well. self preservation. there shouldn't be any problems. everyone there loves each other.

well, have a GREAT weekend. mine starts in T minus 8.25 hours...

rollercoasters

well, not the good kind. last week was one of the hardest i've had in my life. not QUITE as bad as finding out randy had cancer, but it was no cake walk either. my last blog set the scene for Monday. then Tuesday came along. (it was actually a GREAT day) then Wednesday happened, and that carried into Thursday or what i like to call breakdown day. I am thankful to have the women in my life that i have to surround me and hold me up when i'm rock bottom. it helped me to get through Friday, then we got to enjoy some fun things over the weekend.

i was going to somewhat try to list the things that made me want to chew nails last week, but after thinking about it, nothing's that serious to even mention. it all worked out like it always does, and now i look back and shake my head wondering what all the tears were even about. i guess that's how life is. i know i've grown tremendously this week. growing hurts. but now i'm stronger, i have more endurance, character, hope.... this sounds so familiar. oh yeah. my favorite verse. Romans 5 3-5. at the end of all of the drama, hurt, frustration, exhaustion and pain i start this next week with my head held high, my heart fortified in Christ and money in my pocket for the first time in years. :) working hard pays off. have a great week.

i hate how i feel right now

with so many great new opportunities, randy's general good health and somewhat happy kids i should be sleeping peacefully, waking up feeling great and skipping out the door with a huge smile on my face. instead i feel toxic, stressed and nauseous. i'm super excited about my new job, but freaked out thinking that i'm going to screw something up. i already feel that sick feeling like i ruined a whole batch of stone and have to start over, setting everyone back a whole day, and it hasn't even happened yet! i know that it's just Satan getting in my head, trying to keep me living in fear, and i have to tell you, at the moment, he's doing his job well. maybe once the sun comes up, things won't seem so bad.

starting a new job is bad enough. it just so happened that Randy will be working as well today, leaving me juggling the kids instead of having peace knowing they are home safe with him. it's so hard having everything in my life change overnight. all i can do is put one foot in front of the other and go for it. i can pick up the pieces in a couple of days. i feel so unprepared. not wanting the kids to cook while i'm gone limits what they can eat, and we have limited options at the moment. i am going to go to the store i think, right now and at least get stuff for sandwiches. maybe that will take away some of the dizziness i feel, knowing they at least can eat... ugh! why can't life just be easy for a little while??? i find myself begging God for peace. what happened to my general sense of knowing everything is in His hands and will be fine? why do i always have to be going 90 miles an hour? why can't i learn to say no to things? i just want to go sleep. i want peaceful sleep. i want to have arms around me telling me everything will be just fine and not to worry. how did i end up growing up and being the one in charge??? i don't want that role. i want to go back a few years when everything was right and normal and safe. i want my babies to be babies, cuddled in my arms, safe and happy.

ok. enough grieving. time to move on, put on my game face and go push life around a little bit.

5 minutes to write

lots going on for me physically and emotionally, but i'll stick with the emotions for today. This morning, i feel like i got that swift kick in the butt i've been needing. my heart has been all over the place worrying about people, worrying about myself, my life, my future... but this morning, a simple act of my daughter seeking me out before i ran to work, made me realize that i AM worth more than services to people. I AM worthy of being loved just for being me. i've been running in circles, fighting for something, and realized, i'm the only one fighting. history teaches us to look around. if you're the only one on the battle field, you might just be fighting the wrong fight. you can call it loosing heart, giving up or whatever. i call it saving my life. (and i think my life is worth something.)

Just a DAMN good day

Randy's last radiation treatment was today, instead of yesterday, and Conor and I actually got to go this time and check it out. Conor decided to go because he was getting really anxious about Randy being sick, and he grasps the gravity of the situation of this being Randy's last treatment. It's all over. The only decision to be made... does he do scans in a few months, or just live his life to the fullest, not knowing/careing. I didn't agree to the NON HAVING SCANS idea, because i want to know what we have ahead of us to deal with, but after talking to the Dr. today, and hearing her support for whatever Randy decides, i started thinking differently about it. If he has clear scans, cool. We celebrate. If not, he lives his life with a death sentence over his head. I think not knowing, being positive and not giving up fits him. God knows we haven't ever done anything by the book, so why start now???

ALSO~ i posted on Facebook today that i have openings for house cleaning today to fill up some gaps in my schedule, and in less than 4 hours, all the spots were filled, AND i was offered a job working in a lab, making dental impressions-type-thingy's. I'll know more on Thursday, but i've known everyone who works there for at least 10 years, and it was because of my work ethic that got me the call. I feel so blessed, and know i can learn to do anything i put my mind to. I can still keep all of my houses, 2 a day for a week, AND learn a new trade and work that job the opposite week. I would say it's too good to be true, but that would be counting God out. And at the risk of sounding egotistical, i am a hard worker and it's finally paid off. I think the word that was used to describe me was "Dynamo". Plus, Randy has gotten more calls for him to teach drums, but keep them coming. He has room!

And the tension builds...

Next Monday is the last day of radiation for Randy. A year and 1/2 of chemo, 3 months of radiation and the rest of his life on pills. Lets just hope that this did the trick. We WON'T know for a couple of months. It's gonna be a long summer waiting for scan day. I already feel myself pulling away and searching for my happy place. I feel like being an ostrich. Dig my head in the sand, or in my case, headphones and a book. See ya around.

oh yeah, i have a blog

i am the queen of forgetting the things that help me the most, those little nuggets of information that makes life a lot easier. for me, blogging helps keep my emotions in check, yet i keep forgetting to blog and all of my thoughts cloud my head and i end up with anxiety and freak out. if you don't believe me, ask my family. i think they're all ready to dunk me in the pool. life keeps happening and i have just been stuffing all of my thoughts away in a compressed file, waiting for a day to unpack it all, but it's been 3 weeks of stuffing and it's full! i guess it's time to for mental spring cleaning...

first thing on my mind: God is good. period. all though sometimes i think He has more faith in my ability to deal with things than i do. I know i have to take responsibility to give my worries to Him instead of holding it all back and stewing on it, but once again, I'm the queen of forgetfulness. He knows my worries, and I'm sure if He was here on earth, He would suggest we sit down, have coffee and talk about it, like a girlfriend would make me do. I guess I don't let my girlfriends do that either, but maybe He would be more successful in the feat. So, God, I'm drinking my coffee, here's what's on my mind:

~My heart ACHES for Rahna, Zack, Jacob and Jaxon. I don't always understand Your plan, how some people have to live life here on earth without the people they grew to depend on and are deeply in love with. I know this hits close to home for me, so maybe I'm a little sensitive, but that will be the first question i ask You when i get there. WHY? I think this one will take me some time to work through. Maybe i should pack that one away for another day.

~My kids are growing up way too fast and it's not only making me feel old, but it's breaking my heart that my son is getting closer to becoming a soldier. This is something that he has wanted since he was knit together in my womb, i'm sure. He came out wanting to protect the world, guns blazing, so God, i ask for peace for me, and courage for him to walk boldly and safely down this path that you created him for. He feels an overwhelming urge to protect. That's awesome.

Gillian, well God, I am thankful that the sky's the limit for her, because her head's in the clouds and her joy makes me smile. You have created her for something big that involves grace, strength and compassion. I know she has my stubborn streak, so that's gotta count for something too, right?

~Randy is still sick. I forget this sometimes. I know i have forced myself not to dwell on it, because it's not healthy to, but I think in trying to forget, I forgot what we are fighting for and why life is the way it is right now. I tend to get impatient when he's not able to do the things he once used to, or when his choices are focused on things HE'S always wanted to do instead of what i want. I SHOULD WANT THAT and i do... when i remember. I'm not calling it his bucket list, because he's not dieing yet, but a list that everyone should have so they can live the life Gods called them to. Drumming is his passion, and it's what connects himself to other people. I am ok knowing it comes first, for the good of others.

~ The questions of "why am i here on earth" has been answered in a weird way. I keep thinking to myself, "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize." 1 corinthians 9:24

I get that passage, but knowing that when I die, my prize will be eternal life, why not spend my life helping OTHER people win gold? I have ALREADY won the day i accepted Christ. If my life is meant to be played out encouraging the broken, feeding the poor, and serving the weary, then I'll do it with everything in me all with a smile on my face if it gets them one step closer to knowing the kind of love i know from Christ. My job may not be glamorous, but it's one i love. College education, who needs it? I don't need the student loans hangin over my head to distract me.

I think that's enough of a mental cleaning as i can handle in one setting. It's time to go to work and think through these things, polish them up and send them on their way. Thank you blog for listening.