miller's blog

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2011-11-03T10:08:00.000-07:00

i am so happy thatGod has allowed me to walk this path, even though it may not be exactly what Hewanted, and this is the reason... when we have it all together, when we obeyall the rules, we aren't needing God in such a desperate way. when we are"perfect" we tend to view those who aren't rule followers as sinnersand not worthy of God’s love. i fell victim to this. i am sad at the judgment ibestowed upon others in my past. i love that God loves me enough to allow me towalk in their shoes so i can see the rest of the world as He sees them, andshow them the love and acceptance that i so desperately crave right now.society tells me to go hide my face from God in shame, but HE tells me to lookup so he can wipe my tears and let me see the love He has for me. being a mom, i can understand that. life hasnatural consequences, but as a mom, my job is to hold them and love themanyways, especially when they mess up. that's when we need to be held the most.i kinda think God likes it when we need Him as twisted as that may sound. ihate it when my kids are sick, but damn it if that's not when i get to cuddlewith them the most.

Jesus understood the broken, because he walked in theirshoes. He was hungry, dusty and thirsty. He was scared, deceived and despised.i have been all of these things. the other thing we have in common: God lovesus both the same. i will never be able to redeem the whole world like He did,but i will die trying to save those that God gives me to love. in this case,this baby might just grow up to change the word! and as for me and mine"we will never be ashamed".

my favorite verse, once again, "we rejoice in oursufferings knowing that suffering produces endurance, endurance producescharacter, character produces hope. and hope does not disappoint us because ofthe love that God poured into our hearts through the Holy spirit". Romans5: 3-5. i will never let go of the hope of a life spent with Christ. i am justfine suffering and being held by God, because if that's where i am at, andpeople want to see me, they will see Him too!

i suppose i can catch up on this blog...

2011-10-19T11:42:00.000-07:00

It's been almost 3 1/2 months since i've written. not sure what that means. i usually write when i have more to say than i can get out in a day and it just overflows onto the blog. sometimes i write because i'm feeling overwhelmed, sad or just feel the need to update others of what's going on in the miller household. today, i just simply want to give my self a starting point so i can continue writing again.

state of the family: excited for Molly. we are 3 months away from holding, loving, kissing and spoiling her. the crib is ready for her. she has diapers and a couple of new outfits and more shoes than i have in my collection. i have a feeling she's going to turn this house completely upside down with her presence. we wouldn't have it any other way.

since July, Me, Conor and Gillian have gone to Hawaii, started school and made it through 2/3 of a pregnancy without any hiccups. Robb is now 16 and able to get his licence. GULP! God help us. :) Conor is being home schooled. Gillian is owning the 5th grade. Jim is working his a$$ off to make sure the house runs smoothly, and i'm just trying to keep up. since pictures speak volumes, here's a few i've collected from the last few months:

Hawaii and henna tattoos

The pups, Conor testing out dad's bow and Robb's first day of school.

Baby Molly, Jim realizing Molly comes with pink stuff and us at the punkin patch

It's been busy, fun and trying at times but the love in this house keeps growing, just like my belly and we are loving every moment of it!

what a nice day

2011-07-03T18:32:00.000-07:00

It's been way too long since Jim and I have had down time TOGETHER. Today, one by one the kiddos went off to various family members houses for sleepovers, so we have found ourselves on unfamiliar ground of being alone, together. So far, our day has consisted of lunch at Round Table, where we got to order grown up pizza's, eat a salad without anyone looking at us in disgust, and we both colored a picture... with crayons... lol. there was no one there asking for quarters for games or rushing us out the door because they were bored. Next, we walked through the baby and tool section at sears, walked through the rest of the mall like teenagers, got our samples at See's candy, and looked for a game at the game store. (which they didn't have. bummer). We made our way home, without melting completely, and are now hanging out in a quiet living room, watching Michael Buble' and Daves Matthews Band on HD, and deciding what to do with the rest of our night. sigh. what to do? what to do? i know it WILL end with us getting to sleep IN!!! Happy Fourth of July weekend folks.

so far this pregnancy ROCKS!

2011-06-14T18:01:00.000-07:00

i really don't want to jinx myself by saying that i haven't been going through morning sickness, but at this point, when i was pregnant with Conor and Gillian, i was throwing up every 30 minutes around the clock for 2 months strait. so far, nada. just a little queezy when i smelt something a little off, but that's it. we're sitting right around 7 weeks, and i am full of energy. i walk with mom and the kids and little dogs 5 days a week. i drink mostly water all day long. my skin looks healthy because of all the hydration.my hair is growing faster thanks to the vitamins. the only drawback is the peeing every 5 minutes and giving up the yummy tastey beverages that could harm the baby. i am so happy at the moment.

i was looking for a dr for about a day, then decided to look into using the midwife that my neighbor has used 4 times, and we meet with her next week. i have always wanted to have a home birth, so maybe this will work out. i trust Deva fully. and to anyone who is concerned, an ambulance is always on alert when a homebirth is going on, just in case. i didn't have any complications before so i say we give it a shot. (by that i mean there will be a shot of whiskey waiting for me on my night stand for as soon as the cord is cut! lol) not kidding BTW. if hospital babies can handle all the drugs given to mom during labor, this one can certainly handle a little bit of whiskey.

lets just hope we're not haveing TWINS!!!

AAAHHHHH! guess what?????

2011-06-03T09:01:00.000-07:00

We're having a baby!!!! SQUEAL!

book time

2011-05-26T14:53:00.001-07:00

so today, i finally purchased my very own laptop. this is going to go a long way to helping me write the book that i feel called to write. (not to mention the bunches of you who keep telling me to write one) now, do i come up with a title first or just start writing and wait for the name to come to me later? hmmmm, we shall see. for today, i will work on getting the software i need to make my job a little easier. wish me luck!

Family

2011-05-11T22:40:00.000-07:00

As you can see by my newly remodeled page, my family has grown by a few new faces. I love each of them so much. Each person in our circle has something to give. Something unique. Something special that no one else but them could bring to the table. Most of the time i just sit back and watch in awe of the gifts that they are. Conor makes me laugh. It's not his jokes, but HIS laugh that gets me to giggling. There's something contagious about his happiness that I can't defend against. Gillian, well, she's just the princess and has 3 boys in this house that dote over her. Anyone who knows her, knows that she is a happy camper because of it. She just spends her day playing music, being an amazing student and my little diva. Robb is just an amazing teenager who never looses. Not in games, arguments or any other social situation. He keeps music in this house and keeps me on my toes and a smile on my face.

Jim keeps me grounded, focused and safe. I have been able to put my anxiety medication on the shelf. I have seen a new side of life through his eyes. He's taught me how to let go of stupid things that don't matter and give myself a break every once in awhile. He's saved me a lot of money from going to a psychiatrist. LOL Without these two men being in our lives, i would probably be rocking in a corner somewhere and being afraid to let my kids leave my sight.

Roxy and Tuesday

Our first family picture

Conor has Robb to teach him courage and how to not take himself too seriously. With Robb, Gillian has found her male equal. Good Lord, give me strength. I am thankful he absorbs some of her energy for me though. Tuesday and Roxy are inseparable. They are yin and yang, BFF's and the babies of the house. I think, between the two of them, they have more clothes than Gillian!

The 3 Weaver men

I am looking forward to summertime with the kids home and no homework!!!! We went on our first family vacation together last month, and it was EPIC. Nothing like the ocean to draw us closer together. I even got to meet Jim's parents. I love them already. Hoping to head back over to the coast next month to spend some more time with them for Fathers day.

I am so thankful to the support system that we have, thankful to God for the gifts He gives us daily, the beauty He fills our lives with and the love that no one can take away.

grieving is such a confusing process

2011-04-09T11:55:00.000-07:00

there is no rule book. there are a lot of books telling you how you SHOULD grieve, but no one has been through the same exact situation and has been left with the same exact life to live afterwards, so the books should all be thrown into a pile and burned. yes, i understand i am not the first widow with little kids left behind. i actually have 2 very good friends my age going through the same thing, but it's still very different. the kids are different people. us women are all different. our family and friends are different. our financial situations are different. our knowledge of different parts of household maintainence is different...

i was shocked and angry at myself the other day for being angry at Randy. who can be mad at Randy for one, and two, who can be mad at a dead guy??? seriously! it was time to get the yard in order for the summer and all i could be mad at is the fact that the sprinkler system is broken. i was mad that he wan't here to fix it or fix it before he died. (like he just left to go on tour and didn't finish his chores first) can we say misplaced anger?!?!? ugh. THIS sucks! what started out as a day working in the yard, turned into a week of suppressed anger at FN cancer, and ended up with me bawling in the truck because every other little thing that Randy used to do for the me and the kids, he's not here to do, and i have no idea how to do it. the fence is broken, the sprinklers are broken, the math whiz of the house is gone so Conor has no help with homework and is failing. UGH!!! on the very bright side, there is a lot of love, support and laughter in this house again and that trumps all the crap that is threatening to take me out.

aahhh. i feel better. judge me if you will for feeling this way, but then go thank your spouse for all that they do for you. and women, learn a thing or two about "guy things" just in case. jus sayin.

Gardening

2011-03-27T09:53:00.001-07:00

i suck at it, but i now see my mistakes, and i plan on fixing it. this is gonna make a few of you guys cringe, those of you who's garden flourishes year after year, but i'm hoping that i can learn from some of you and do better next time.

so, every year, when i pot my flowers or herbs in the pots, i add some little stones to it to help

with drainage. i THOUGHT that i was doing the right thing at the time. come to find out, when the Redding temps heat up, those stones get hot and actually cook the roots, which in turn, kills the plants. this is actually true in our bodies too. when we have

stones in our "soil", nothing will grow, or stay alive for very long. the hardest thing to do is to sift through the dirt, pluck out the rocks and trust that God will drain all excess water away so that we don't drown.

I know that none of this probably makes sense to anyone, but it does to me, and that's why I write this blog. some of my posts are just to keep everyone up to date, but some of them are for me, as reminders of how much God loves me, even when i screw up. His love is so deep for us that He will constantly sift through my dirt until all the weeds and rocks are gone. He is way more diligent at it than i am. This year, no rocks in my garden!!!

Black thread...

2011-03-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

life for me has never really been what i would consider easy, but it hasn't been as bad as some either. i have buried my best friend, father and husband, but not a child. i have had a few health issues, but am still alive. i have over indulged with food, alcohol and laziness, but i love veggies water and exercise as well. i have lost a lot of friends along the way, but keep meeting new and interesting people everyday to fill the gap. i have been overweight and depressed, and skinny but HUNGRY. i have known love, lost love, and found it again. i have said "goodbye" forever and "welcome back" to people in the SAME DAY! i have cried when i'm happy and laughed when angry. turned away when i should have helped, helped when i should have taught. i can only imagine how i look to people on the outside who don't truly know who i am. i love the example of the backside of a tapestry. from the back, i look messy, mixed up and confusing. God has used a lot of black thread to create my tapestry, but i think the next color is going to be bright and beautiful. what God sees from the front of my tapestry is a hint of black. it's not the main color. it is only the background to which He builds the rest of life's colors onto. when He created the earth, he started with dirt, THEN added flowers, trees, grass... a sunrise is beautiful because our eyes have been accustomed to the darkness. i know that there will still be some sunsets in my life. we can't close our eyes and pretend that the sun won't set, but we CAN have a couple of candles ready to help guide us through the darkness. my candles are my friends, family and pastors. thank goodness God created light in my life!

so to stay positive...

2011-02-26T08:42:00.000-08:00

i have an opportunity to begin again, anew. instead of saying i am now unemployed, i can say i am available to accept a new position at a new business. i have 5 offers at the moment, so i will pray about it and make the right choice for what works for my family. i still feel God calling me out to follow a dream or two. at this point in my life, i have a feeling that my dream job is one that involves me being my OWN boss. one thing i have learned from working for someone else is that i am a leader, not a follower. that is how I was created. i am thankful that God is always there standing behind me and calling me out.

when everything seems dark, He is there. this has been a pretty dark week too, i'm not gonna lie. the veil has been pulled back and peoples true thoughts of me have been revealed. on paper, i look like an emotional, hot headed... weak woman, but in reality, i have never been stronger. don't let my tears fool you. nothing worth it's weight in gold comes easy. life reminds me a little of childbirth. it hurts like hell, feels like the end of the world at times, but then in the end you have a sweet baby in your arms and the pain fades away in the background. i'm patiently awaiting the end of this painful period in my life. i do have a handful of friends to help keep me focused. i have a family that loves me no matter what. i even have two little doggies who try to lick my tears off my face when i come home broken.

it's funny the way life works out. i am going to hold tight to the people i love. i will stand in my truth. and i will never question God about "why" things happen, because the answer will always be the same. He brings all things together for my good. He turns up the heat if i don't seem to be listening. I am free to make my own choices, but He is faithful enough to shine the light on what He feels is right for me. it's like He says, "kristyn, see the light? go get it". i could choose to walk the other way, but let me tell ya, it feels pretty damn good to choose what's right, even if making that choice is super hard. in life, you can't phone it in. you have to get out there, do the hard things and push yourself to be better. i actually like the pain because it reminds me i'm alive and that if it hurts, its probably the right choice!

it comes in three's... always in threes...

2011-01-21T16:52:00.000-08:00

really??? this morning, after juggling my schedule to make sure i can possibly go into work for a couple hours to help, and be able to keep other commitments, i had to make sure i was home in time to meet with AT&T since our internet went down. yet on the way to one of my commitments, my truck breaks down. awesome. thanks for that. so i pulled into Holiday and turned the truck off, ran down my list of people to call, (and it has NEVER had the word "auto shop" on it) i was once again aware of how it feels to not have a husband who HAS to come help. so scratch that name off the list. next name, Tommy. called, he's in Tahoe. gives me advice, then i make the next call. The next person is up to his eye balls with work. I really don't want to call Jim at work, but at this point, i have to eat crow and make the call.... he's stuck at work. crap. make another call, got hung up on. awesome again. thanks for THAT! follow up on Tommy's advice and call his brother Kenny. Him and sweet Mandi show up to listen and lend some support. (plus i got my baby fix with Kolae). They follow me home, parked the disabled truck, and then drop me off at Jim's work so i can borrow his car. I run the rest of my errands, come home in time to pay AT&T $60 to fix a 50 cent part, of course, then began unpacking boxes to move back into the house we can't seem to move out of. THEN Gillian comes home with a migraine and pukes a few times. ONCE AGAIN... AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am so disappointed in myself. i have been humbled today. i thought i had stuff handled, but the first moment that something, or 3 things break, i have to call in the army to help. i feel like such a girl. i know i am one, but i can't afford to be "just a helpless girl" at this point in my life. i hate asking for help, but asking for help and running into brick walls is even worse. i am very thankful that Aaron will be able to fix it, and Jim is willing to share his car for a few days...

i am going to lick my wounds tonight, then make a new list of who to call "in the case of emergencies". it's a short list, but when i have those few, i don't need anyone else. thanks guys. and thank you mom and sis for the moral support. you keep me grounded and i need that. love love love!

and P.S.~ i also got pulled over that night for going tooooooo sllooooooowwwwww on the freeway. perfect way to end the day.

aaahhh. peace

2011-01-16T12:31:00.000-08:00

so, as i sit here, at this very moment, i can say i feel peaceful. no drama. no sickness. no pain. NO MOVING! i look at the unnecessary packing as getting a head start on spring cleaning. all i have to do today is shower, make snacks and drinks to share with some very missed family, and go hang out and chill. Really? is this a dream??? DON'T WAKE ME!

lol. i am so happy. there are still a few people who are giving me some heartache over some good decisions i've made, but oh well. my main focus is to make sure the kids are happy, everything has a balance between fun and work, and my mind, spirit and emotions are healthy. it's amazing how easy that is to do when your mind is in alignment with God and you have someone to love you.

i am very thankful for our counseling appointments with Ty. she has been a huge rock for us through all of the heartache. it's amazing how one person can change your life in such a profound way. Thank you for that Ty.

there is so much to look forward to. sunshine, bbq's, pool parties, family time, SUMMER VACATION PLEASE??? (half way done with school, thank you LORD!) i just feel beyond blessed. the majority of the people who have been in our lives for years, are still around PLUS i am so happy to be meeting up with old friends from high school, and getting to know some of his friends too. all great people. new perspectives, positive loving people. LOVE IT! see??? happy.

have a great sunday friends. love to you all!!! ♥♥♥

new year. new direction. STILL... a great God!

2011-01-02T08:55:00.000-08:00

I am a little taken back by all of the changes that we have gone through this last year. We have been on a really crazy roller coaster. last christmas time, Randy and i were in Hawaii. March was our last family vacation to L.A. Randy battled out the year, finished chemo, did radiation, NEXAVAR, special diets, then we had to say good bye almost 2 months ago now. wow. so now as i sit here and look around, there are boxes everywhere, so much to do, but what it means to me, is a new beginning. not that i'm in a hurry to leave my old life behind, but God has a way of spurring His children on towards the life He has chosen for us. I know that Randy wouldn't want us to sit here and mourn the life we had. we will never forget all of the good times we had. it's fun to look at pictures and laugh, but time keeps ticking, and we need to make new memories.

by the end of this month, we should be all moved into our new place. it's an upgrade which i didn't expect at this point, but true to form, God is sooooo sooooo good to us. i am working part time still. kids are halfway done with school. is that right? oh my word. time flies. me and the kids get to go to hawaii in july. looking forward to that. i have reconnected with a lot of friends from high school, and met a few new ones. AND, we have a couple of really great guys in our lives. father and son... and doggie too. like i said, new beginnings.

life has done a complete 180. its amazing to see just how God brings beauty from ashes. this is not where i expected to be at this point , BUT I'LL TAKE IT! being happy and loved is a good place to be.

i pray that all of you have a very good year! i can't wait to see where this year leads us. lots of fun on the horizon. lots of work to be done too, but that is a good thing. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

12 days of Christmas!

2010-12-17T06:23:00.000-08:00

some one or some bodies, are loving the Miller's this year.

so far we've had 4 days of christmas and it has become the highlight of our day.

day 1, our neighbor handed us a bag, and said she didn't know who it was from. it was filled with candy and a movie gift card. i looked at her like, what the heck? how can u not know who this is from??? she just simply said, read the card again.... "on the first day of christmas..." hmmm. ok. so cool.

the next morning, there were 2 candlesticks on our door step. "on the second day of christmas..." oooohhh ok, i am getting this.

"on the 3rd day of christmas: 3 gift cards. Conor=game stop, Gillian=target, me= Victoria SECRET!

"on the 4th day of christmas: 4 pairs of socks, (i got 2 haha) and "everything we need for a cozy night at home". (yummy goodies)

so to be able to thank whomever this is that's doing this, since you are so sneaky, hopefully you read my blog and see the joy you are bringing us this year. THANK YOU!!!! and Merry Christmas!

(i'll comment with the rest of the days as we go.) so amazing!!!

day 5: chucky cheese tokens and a pizza gift card

day 6: 6 jamba juice cards

day 7: a BUNCH of cool stuff to do with the family

day 8: ginger bread house, ginger bread man, a beautiful tree etc...

day 9: angel , picture frame, yummys

oh man.... REALLY???

2010-12-10T06:29:00.000-08:00

i promised myself to wait til morning to write this so that i was level headed and not just reacting out of hurt. guess what? it's morning...

how to begin... how's about i start with the bad and end this on a good note...

i feel i must state the obvious first. Randy got cancer 2 years, 2 months and 2 weeks ago. i feel i have to remind everyone that i haven't forgotten that. me and the kids lived it every moment of every day! we grieved, we hoped, we prayed, we grieved some more. we drew close to each other, we drew close to God, to our friends. we received so much love and support it was overwhelming at times. randy and i talked all the time, and those closest to him, knows how he was when he started to talk. he's was encouraging, inspiring, brutally honest and had a 10 point presentation to follow it all up. then it was: "repeat repeat repeat" until you really understood what he was trying to say. no one will ever know the conversations we had about family, God, our future, what he wanted my life to look like when he was gone. all you know are the conversations YOU had with him on whatever subject came up. so i can pretty much guarantee that not one person reading this had the actual conversation with him that i will be discussing in a moment. (not that it's anyones business, but i need to know where i stand in people's lives, so i know which direction to head in).

topic: me falling in love again

Randy: "kris, you will love again, you will catch sh** from people for it, but you will love again and deserve to be loved, so you just have to let it happen and not put up walls". i kept telling him that wasn't a conversation i was willing to have with him because he was still here, in my arms. it's not just weird, but my heart was not in a position to love anyone else. his biggest request was that i put the kids first (duh) and listen to my heart when i felt it was time to love again. it was a very one sided conversation because i just listened and internally grieved the fact that our marriage was ending and not by choice, and in the end he would be gone. the man that i gave my heart to, had children with and planned a future with passed away into God's arms and out of mine.

just in case anyone reading this hasn't attended a wedding, there is a line in there that says "til death do us part". if you were married and had to eat those words because the person you told that to actually did die, then i am sorry for your loss, and i hope that you had the opportunity to have the conversations with your spouse that i had with mine. i know how he felt, i know what he wanted and i know the promise i made to him. i just didn't think that it would all go down so soon...

~side note (again) if you are reading this and are appalled with anything that i am saying, i hope that you do one of 2 things: pray about it and let God speak to your heart or quietly unfriend me on facebook, go live your own life, make your own decisions and let me live my own. thank you very much.

now that that is out of the way, on to the good stuff. since some of you have asked and prayed for me to be happy. well, guess what. I am. i have been given a gift from God to be happy. in the darkest of times, God says he will be a "lamp upon my feet". He will "show us the way". ETC ETC ETC. there are so many verses that I could quote, but since i'm not here to sell you on my relationship with God, i will just simply say: i believe in His word. i was put on a path a long time ago, before i was even born, and i am walking it beside Him. i am praying, talking, crying, all while being held by God. He doesn't let us go too far astray without directing us back to the path, so we can continue on with the work He has for us. Randy died. it was a real dark time, so it was a time that i drew closer to God and felt Him more than ever. it's hard to go astray when being carried by your maker because you can't put one foot in front of the other. He won't take a step in any direction that wasn't right. not even one inch in the wrong way. He can't. at some point, He sets us down, helps us get our footing again, and shines the light in the direction we are to go. one morning i looked up, and there was another set of footprints joining up with mine. for me, they were familiar footsteps. i recognized them to be the footsteps i crossed paths with in high school. thought to myself "hmmm, well, alrighty then". as i kept taking each new step, i realized that I wasn't taking a step off the path. not one. the other set of footprints kept walking next to mine, even helped me slow the pace a little. just as i am not here to sell you on my relationship with God, i am also not going to sell you on this beautiful relationship i am in. me him, the kids (who LOVE HIM) are in it. God is there in the middle of it all.

i knew my circle of friends would change once Randy passed. my mom warned me to not take it personally, but it still hurts to be un-invited to a function, because i am no longer Randy's wife, and choosing to do what Randy told me to do in the first place, and that was to be happy. i think it's comical that people would rather me sit home alone, be sad, lonely and depressed, KNOWING the man randy was. HE IS STILL HERE. no one has forgotten. the kids and I are doing all of this TOGETHER and all of it is right. no red flags, no bells going off in my head telling me to stop. not ONE! not even from my baby girl who tends to try to be my "boss", is more than happy with ALL OF THIS! the people who are closest to me, who's opinions actually count, are happy to see me happy. they know that i have grieved for 2 years, 2 months and 2 weeks! at some point you have to ask yourself when enough is enough. the grief isn't over. i will always love randy. always, and no one is asking me to stop. no one is asking me to take down pictures of our family, to put the humidor away, to get over it. it's quite the opposite actually.

i am taking each day in stride, trusting in my God, my heart and my soul where to go next. i fully expect my facebook "friends" to be cut in half, since a lot of them were Randy's friends, and not mine. i will not delete anyone. if you want to stay in my life, GREAT! if not, well thanks for stopping by...

♥

so...it's not the holidays that hurt..

2010-11-27T09:18:00.000-08:00

it's the days after. being with all of our family on thanksgiving was WONDERFUL, it's the quiet times after we say goodbye that really sucks. "black friday" was spent going back to moms and hanging out, decorating. it was a great time. today, bowling, then spending the night with my mom and sis out in cottonwood. i can keep myself super busy, and keep from being alone, but all i end up with is being worn out and eventually still have to come home to face reality.

school starts again in two days, and i have the option to find someone to hang out with and stay busy, or stay home, lock the door and start going through all of our stuff, packing and preparing to move. oh yeah, and look for a place to move. that process will have to start sometime. seeings how i'm a "rip the band aid off quick" kind of girl, i am thinking Monday will be a day for xanax, tissues and locking the door. waking up to reality is BS most of the time if you're honest with your self.

*a side note to the few that have said i need to move on past the anger stage into acceptance and move on with my life...hasn't had to loose their husband 3 weeks before the holidays, your birthday and sick kids all at once. (plus you're probably not reading this, you just go off of my status on Facebook, and may not even understand or cared to ask what happened at that very moment i posted something), I am NOT mad at God! i am BROKEN HEARTED! the anger comes out when you try to go get something out of the garage so you can go on a tree run with the kids, but need all the snow gear, and all you can see in front of you are things you can't reach, or all of the things that were his, because the garage was him domain. or trying to find that one "part" you need and he's the only one who knew where it was. so yeah, if you REALLY want to see me angry, keep writing my emails telling me how to better handle my emotions.

~for the rest of you who actually have gone through a loss or have grieved right along with us these last two years, thank you for being supportive and letting me vent. i don't plan on being in the anger/depressed stage forever, and allowing me to get out how i feel really does help me get to the "ok" stage a little faster.

live for the here and now!

2010-11-18T06:56:00.000-08:00

a FEW people over the last couple of weeks have given advice on how to cope with loosing a spouse. there are some that makes sense and some that just isn't me, but this is one thing that started a whole conversation, that really got me to thinking about life in general.

"just keep your eyes fixed on heaven, you'll be with him soon".

very sweet and very true, but if i find it's hard to do my work here on earth, if i'm always looking up. God put me here for a reason. i am not supposed to be in heaven right now. God separated heaven and earth, numbered our days, and then put us in the game. if a player is out on the field, constantly yearning to be on the sidelines, he's gonna get bowled over!

it's also like when you're a kid, counting the days until you're an adult, and trying to be older than you really are, you miss out on being a kid. why would i want to fast forward through my life, that's already going too fast? i need time to finish my task here on earth.

our spirits have a natural reaction to fight to stay here. i saw my superman do that for weeks. that drive is God given. He did not place in me a faint heart, too afraid to live life with boldness. He did however leave a hole in my heart that only He can fill. looking at the sky is not going to fill that. reading His word, loving His children, and fighting hard for what He stands for, fills that hole enough, until He heals it WHEN i get to heaven. i know that i will get there someday, but just like going on vacation, you don't start packing in December if you're not leaving til June. there's work to be done first, or else you won't even be able to afford the trip!

live your life in such a way that you don't leave this life empty handed. God won't mind if you bring a few extra guests with you. the more the merrier!

our new norm...

2010-11-17T06:53:00.000-08:00

to be honest, it has been nice to get back to some sort of normalcy. the kids are back in school. i started work on Monday. my mind can rest knowing Randy is out of pain. our hearts are still breaking. little things sneak up on us that take us back to reality, but all and all, we are surviving after our world has been turned upside down.

i can not explain to anyone that hasn't been here for the ending, how in the world we are doing this. day by day, hour by hour? yeah, but it's more than that. now that his body has released his spirit inside, it's almost like he's all around us, all the time. i guarantee that he was partying with us last saturday. i know he rocked out to the songs, enjoyed seeing pictures of him with his friends and family, maybe even realized how handsome he really was... i hope he is able to see things through the eyes of God now.

me and the kidletts have embarked on a new life, learning how to cope with the hole in our chests. we miss him terribly and half expect him to come walking around the corner any moment. only through God can we make it through, but we are holding on the the promise that He WILL get us through. He always has. i just have to either keep having people over for dinner so i still get to cook good food and have a real reason to go to the grocery store, OR learn to like the stuff the kids choose to eat. cooking for one is no fun.

i plan on uploading the slideshow from his party sometime this weekend when i figure out how to do it. it's about 45 minutes long, but i know some of you have asked to see it, so i will try.

LoVE

2010-11-11T20:01:00.000-08:00

i feel it.

i feel it with the food.

i feel it with the flowers.

i feel it in the hugs, tears, laughter...

i am blessed to have so many amazing people in my life.

tomorrow will be a week.

tomorrow, we receive Randy's body back, in a new form.

the kids are excited. i'm nervous.

how am i going to react to have my husband... in a box.

granted, the box is a kick a** humidor i bought him for a special occasion years ago, and has been a part of this household for years, but still. how can one amazing man like Randy, fit in a box???

weird.

for tonight, i will focus on the here and now. my kids, family, friends, roxy. (roxy would be mad that i put her last. shhhh. don't tell her)

anyways... love is the order of the day. i want to share it with all of you.

I LOVE YOU!

there.

goodnight.

Wait upon the Lord

2010-11-06T13:11:00.000-07:00

I guess i should get this down before i forget, or run out of tissues.

The whole time i have known Randy, he has been trying to teach me patience. My parents couldn't do it, my kids TRY my patients, but no one could teach it to me, until now.

Yesterday, after asking God and Randy why? why in the world are you holding on? How are you still here? your body is literally NOT functioning. WTF is what i said to myself on more than one occasion. the dr's and nurses were scratching their heads. on paper, Randy should have been gone a long time ago. all they could say is that he is a strong man. yeah, we know that... tell me something i don't know.

Pastor Dave did. He said "wait upon the Lord". really? there it is again. Patience. grrr!!!

The Lord gives you each breath, each minute. wait on HIM... ok. FINE!!!

since i am sick, i had taken some cold medicine and was ready for a nap. i said goodnight to everyone and cuddled up with Randy and Roxy. I started talking to God, thanking Him for teaching me a lesson that was long over due. Patience. Waiting upon the Lord is so hard. Randy literally spent his last breath teaching me that. As soon as my prayer ended, thanking God for Randy, for our lives together, and for the strength He has given us to wait upon Him, Randy took his last breath. literally. at that moment, his job was done. un fricken believable!

There's more to this story, lots more to put down on paper, but for now, that's all this heart can handle.

ps~ i love you

2010-10-30T21:47:00.000-07:00

i have asked myself for 2 weeks: what is he holing on for? he has said goodbye, or see you later. he finished his chores. he has loved me with everything in him. so why is he allowing himself to suffer even more than he has?

I think it's not all about him. the man i married lives his life for ME.

tonight, i watched "ps, i love you", with my future in law, my mom and my daughter. i think God had allowed him to hold on for me.

he hasn't left me letters for the future. he has allowed me people to give me gifts BEFORE he dies. letters, songs, movies, people. tonight = closure. that movie made me cry only because it felt like a gift from him BEFORE he said goodbye.

thank you for everything babe.

(don't worry, i will write past the sad parts)

2010-10-29T07:23:00.000-07:00

it's days like these that the tears sneak up on you. i can blame my face being wet on the rain, or saying i just yawned or any other excuse, but the fact is, when i looked over at my daughter, and realized we were both trying to hide our tears from each other so we didn't make the other one unduly sad, we both smiled and somehow felt not quite as alone.

until today, i didn't realize how much effort Randy has been putting into this battle. I watched him go through chemo, radiation, the awful pill, loosing his hair, throwing up more than i thought humanly possible, pain than no person should have to endure... that was just half the battle. in the last two years, he has tried to teach the kids everything a dad could teach their children. For Conor: courage,

confidence, honor, respect... math, how to shoot a gun (that came naturally though) gun safety, how to guard his heart when needed. so many things. things that he should have had at least 10 more years to accomplish, but then again, raising a child never stops,

so i hear.

i looked over at Gillian this morning as we were waiting for the bus. it's a cool rainy morning.

days that Randy lives for. that started the thought process down a one way street of sadness.

i looked down and saw her her sparkly purity ring, and the tears started, for both of us. that's when the gravity of how much work Randy has put into this family over the years, and how exhausted he must be, truly hit me. The purity ring is a symbol of their commitment to one another, to stay true to herself and God until her husband

places his own ring on her finger with his own promise. an experience Randy will have to enjoy from a distance. what an amazing gift he has been able to give her though! now, to hold her to it...

so moving past the sadness, (see, told you I would) i stand in awe of the man that God has brought into our lives. if i can push past holding on so tight to the memories of who he was PHYSICALLY, i can focus on the spirit inside of him. the spirit that belongs to God, created before time, and will be waiting for us when OUR work is done. this is a man who came into this world with so much to offer that he gets to graduate early. lucky bum. :) his work on this earth touched so many people. i know that because of all of the love and support, emails, phone calls and texts we have received over these last two years. i actually had to up our cell phone package to accommodate all of them. what a problem to have!

his spiritual gift is an easy one to point out, "encourager". no one would dispute that. even if his tactics seemed a little harsh, he knew that sometimes being tough and brutally honest was the best way to break someone from the bonds of their struggles. there was a gentle side to him which i think most people saw, but let me tell ya, the times that i watched him do his thing and tell people the truth, those are the times i could see the most lasting change. he had the courage to be tough, and not just on the job site.

as our time with him here, is nearing an end, i am starting to see all of the seeds he has planted over the years start to blossom. it may be fall, but Randy can make things happen in the most impossible of times. there is something to be said for shear will and determination. his favorite quote: "never quit, find a way". i'm pretty sure he will find a way to still encourage us even from a distance. if anyone can, Randy is the one.

time to fill you in...

2010-10-26T16:55:00.000-07:00

these last 12 days has been AWFUL! I was working up until the 15th. He was totally doing ok, considering. i came home friday afternoon, and our world turned upside down. his pain level shot through the roof. he was throwing up... a lot! by saturday, he was literally on deaths door. he... well, i'll leave out some details, but lets just say, he wasn't wanting to live anymore. at this point, we all scramble. visitors by the dozens, limited to 5 minutes or less, because that's all his stomach could handle. good byes or see ya laters depending on his relationship with said people. 6 different anti nausea drugs at a time, pain pills that would knock out a druggie on a good day. still, he was miserable. then we meet Randy J. his hospice nurse. this guy is AMAZING. a couple of days with him and he decides to try something that hasn't really been tried in the past for nausea, but it is worth the risk. it's a drug that knocks you out for surgery. his angle: to make him comfortable so he can pass in peace. little did he know, it undoubtedly has the opposite reaction on Randy. he walked out one evening as i was talking with tommy and sat down on the couch and started a full on conversation with us.

FREAKED US OUT!!!

we were talking over final preparations, and here Randy sits down, so a subject change is in order. since then, he had been 98% nausea free, sleeping pain free, and having amazing

insightful conversations with his guests. DON'T GET ME WRONG, the end is still in sight, but he will be able to let his body take the pace it wants, and allow us the gift of closure, that we were almost robbed of last week. the nurses are scratching their heads. we are laughing because we have no idea how else to react. it hasn't been without its challenges, but we will take every moment we can get from him. i plan on sharing more as we go, but thought a little update was in order.

i do want to thank everyone for the love and support that has been showered down upon us. not only do me and the kids feel it, Randy knows it too. thank you thank you thank you!

my fuzzy warm blanket

2010-10-08T06:20:00.000-07:00

waking up this morning was a roller coaster in the matter of moments. first off, this was the first morning i woke up a little chilly. i don't like being snuggled in bed, then having to get up before the alarm to turn off the fan or turn on the heater. back in the day, it was already taken care of by Randy, who got up at 5 and had the coffee made, dogs fed, heater on...

so this morning, i woke up from a nice dream about being up in a cabin somewhere watching it snow. i remember feeling cold, which is in turn what woke me up. in the moment i pulled my blankets up around me and let my mind revert to the old way of life, i did a mental checklist:

1. why did randy not turn the heater on?

2. is he off today? it must be the weekend and he's sleeping in...

3. is he on tour? no he's right next to me... face covered up with the sheet. a sign that HE'S cold too.

4. why didn't he turn the heater on???

5. oh yeah. crap.

after turning the fan OFF, i hopped back in bed, pulled an extra blanket around me, laid there dazed, forcing myself not to think about how things used to be. i have to focus on the task at hand, and that is making him as comfortable as possible. (still haven't figured out how to do that). i guess i dozed off again, because the alarm went off, and my first reaction was to nudge him and have him get up with the kids. you know, the old game of, "it's your turn to get up with the kids"? yeah. fun game. i guess he won this one :) (bad joke, sorry)

so i got up, made coffee, woke up my babies after staring at them for awhile, not wanting to wake them from a nice dream to face reality, sat down to my blog, and found that my warm fuzzy blanket is my friends and family who love me. in this really hard time, on mornings that i wake up feeling chilled to the bone, i find warmth in the memories of my past, the time still spent with Randy, and the future that will always and forever be tied to the souls, that have filled my heart from the beginning.

i need help to blog this...

2010-10-07T17:16:00.000-07:00

instead of writing how i "feel" about Randy dying, how 'bout i let my friends fill in the blanks...

randy is:______________

we are:_______________

God is:________________

the best way to get through this is:__________________

my friends are:_________________

(i'll take this one, AMAZING, LOYAL, SUPPORTIVE AND GODLY!)

k. let me know your thoughts, then i'll give more details later.

uh, Hi. Remember me?

2010-09-19T06:09:00.000-07:00

i don't know what happened. I sat down to blog and realized it has been almost a month. hmm. sorry.

i guess i haven't had a lot of time to sit and write. i have a hard time trying to focus when the kids are up. today, i woke up early, made some coffee and wanted to try to get some words down before they woke up. yeah, right! It's Sunday. why don't we all get up at 6am? ooops. i sound a little grouchy. time to refocus. (deep breath)

so a lot has changed in a month. I wish i had good news, but the way the chips have fallen, the bad might just outweigh the good. As we sit today, or at least last night as of 10 ish, Randy is getting his butt kicked more and more. The pills he is taking has completely wrecked his body. He isn't QUITE bed ridden, but it's hard to motivate yourself to get up when walking is excruciating. 3 days ago, he called it quits on the pills. Not worth the pain. Plus, we're pretty sure they're not working considering that he has a new lump on his side that has more that has doubled in size in a month. Not sure yet if it's actually cancer. but if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...

His first Dr.s appointment in months, is on September 28th, my sister's birthday. By then, I hope Randy has made up his mind on whether to scan or not. Between you and me, I don't need to look at a scan to know what's going on. I can look at him and tell you. I won't though, because I'm not a Dr. and I might just be feeling a little pessimistic today. Certainly not enough to make a proper diagnosis. I have seen a man who can endure all things physical with a smile on his face, become unable to walk to the bathroom without grimacing. In the matter of 2 weeks, he has gone from doing all of the grocery shopping and cooking, to not even be able to walk to the truck. That in and of itself SUCKS!!! He was able to watch Gillian run her first cross country race though last Thursday. Just walking from the truck, to the starting line and back, put him in bed for 3 days now.

Is there still hope? Hope isn't something that ANYONE can take away from us. No matter what the Dr's say, or how awful he feels, or how little he is able to do anymore, there is still hope. Our God is a God of wonder, strength and pure love. He has allowed Randy this cross to bare, and has promised to be right beside him the whole way. He has given this family the ability to persevere in a really crappy time. If the kids can still go to school with their hearts broken, and still function, then I can honestly say, they will be able to handle a lot in their lives. That concept breaks my heart though, because I have learned 1 thing in life in regards to trail: God is using them to make us stronger, so we can deal with the next level of pain coming our way. Case in point: In high school, a friend from my cheer leading squad died with her sister, a year later, my best friend and her brother, sister and fiancée', 6 months later, my ex-boyfriend, 6 months later, my dad... then aunts uncles, grandparents, etc... fast forward to now, well, you see the pattern. I so do not wish more pain for my children. I know it's coming though. Life has a way of making you wish for heaven to come quick.

I am going to end this blog now, since the sun has come up enough for me to see some storm clouds heading our way. (the kind of storms i like). I am going to take my cup of coffee outside with a blanket, perhaps a book, and go spend some quiet time with God. Happy Sunday!

time's running out!

2010-08-21T11:37:00.000-07:00

wait. didn't mean the title to be so dramatic. i mean, fall is on it's way and i have more sun to absorb before the cold mornings and even colder night descend upon us.

i LOVE the sun. i love getting a tan. i love the feeling of slipping into the cool pool after laying on a lounge chair for 30 minutes until i can't take the heat anymore and sweat is starting to bead up on my brow, and the cold beer is not quite cutting it anymore. that feeling sends a rush through my body and i thank God every time for a reprieve from the Redding heat.

that said: FALL IS MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR! i love the smell of pumkin candles, apple pie in the oven and wearing a cozy sweatshirt as i drink my hot cup of coffee and watch the news, in my pj's. granted, that will be a weekend thing since i'm at work at 7am during the weekdays, but it's something fun to look forward to. that and football. i. love. football. football, beer and nachos. i love the moment that what's his name starts singing the "monday night football song". it's like the church bells calling us to church. when Hank Williams Jr. starts, we all grab our drinks, snacks and good attitudes and sit our butts on the couch and just forget life for a few hours. doesn't matter who's playing. it's our fun time.

CAN'T WAIT!

me time

2010-08-13T06:54:00.001-07:00

i need it so much. i happen to have today off. a 3 day weekend before the kids go back to school. an end to a pretty tough week. an opportunity to take a deep breath. a quiet morning with me and my coffee, until the crew wakes up and my day really begins. there is so much bouncing around in my head, that i'm afraid that i won't have time to get it all down. (yep, here come the kids. let's see if they pretend i'm not here)

so..... got yet another speeding ticket on sunday that i plan on going to court for, since it was an issue of saving me and 3 other cars a 4 car pile up, yet the officer decided that he was right, of course, so i get to go back to Eureka again soon. that was followed up with my sweet son locking the keys in the truck with it still running. at least we were back in town and i was able to be bailed out. my poor husband must have been scratching his head THAT day as his wife hit two out of the park in one day.

most of the work week went well. i feel like i'm finally getting into a nice groove. i've learned and retained tons, enough to work independently most of the time. i work with great people. it is like gaining a new family. there's lots to learn about "living" with 3 new people. i realize that i spend lots more time with them than i do with my family at home. thank goodness they are good natured people. i am confident all of the little hiccups will be ironed out over time. the hardest part is trying to balance my completely crazy, dramatic, ever changing family at home, AND try to be in work mode for 8 hours strait. maybe i should try to schedule more lunch breaks in my day...

(oh, the kids know i'm here. conor just told me a funny joke. time's running out)

all in all, life gets hard sometimes. well, for us, a lot. there is just a lot of crazy that surrounds us. as my brother in law says, "crazy makes you crazy". i would love to prove him wrong, but i have a gut feeling that he's right. after all, what made them crazy to begin with.... crazy people in their life? probably. there is a poem that Randy read to me yesterday before work, that i'll post later, or on facebook, but it is mostly about a boy that has to learn to just keep getting up after he falls, as he's trying to win a race. that is almost impossible to do a lot of the time, when people are wanting to keep you down, but through encouraging words from people, it IS possible to put one foot in front of the other and just keep walking. i've learned this week that i don't have the strength in me alone, BUT God has put people along my path that are cheering me on, so that even if i don't win the race, i will at least cross the finish line and will celebrate with me in the end. i am so very thankful for the people on the sidelines, and the people who are running right a long with me. they may be faster, stronger and more seasoned runners, but they have chosen to slow down their pace and teach me how to enjoy the race.

well, good morning

2010-07-15T06:31:00.001-07:00

i am choosing to start this day out with a positive attitude. at least i'll have room to fall if the day turns out like it has been lately. i never realized how hard it was going to be going back to work full time, learning a new career, and juggling a family. i miss them so much. i have mastered not worrying about them while i'm at work, simply because if my mind's not completely focused on the task at hand, i could cut, burn, or poke myself with something sharp. i know this by personal experience. the first week was the worst, but i have slipped up and let life into my mind on occasion, and then bbbzbzbzzzz, there goes the diamond blade into my thumb... i don't like scars, so that's great motivation to not even check my phone, email or facebook while i'm at work. the drama can wait until 3.

i am a little chipper today though. even though it's thursday, it's my FRIDAY! i am taking tomorrow off to prepare for Tommy and Destiny's wedding up at Mt. Shasta. it will be nice to get out of town and enjoy a little cooler weather with lots of people we love. i pray for no worries for the bride, no stress for anyone else and absolutely NOOOO drama. i might just take earplugs and act like i care about peoples problems this weekend. wow, that sounds mean. oh well. self preservation. there shouldn't be any problems. everyone there loves each other.

well, have a GREAT weekend. mine starts in T minus 8.25 hours...

rollercoasters

2010-07-06T05:29:00.000-07:00

well, not the good kind. last week was one of the hardest i've had in my life. not QUITE as bad as finding out randy had cancer, but it was no cake walk either. my last blog set the scene for Monday. then Tuesday came along. (it was actually a GREAT day) then Wednesday happened, and that carried into Thursday or what i like to call breakdown day. I am thankful to have the women in my life that i have to surround me and hold me up when i'm rock bottom. it helped me to get through Friday, then we got to enjoy some fun things over the weekend.

i was going to somewhat try to list the things that made me want to chew nails last week, but after thinking about it, nothing's that serious to even mention. it all worked out like it always does, and now i look back and shake my head wondering what all the tears were even about. i guess that's how life is. i know i've grown tremendously this week. growing hurts. but now i'm stronger, i have more endurance, character, hope.... this sounds so familiar. oh yeah. my favorite verse. Romans 5 3-5. at the end of all of the drama, hurt, frustration, exhaustion and pain i start this next week with my head held high, my heart fortified in Christ and money in my pocket for the first time in years. :) working hard pays off. have a great week.

i hate how i feel right now

2010-06-28T05:05:00.000-07:00

with so many great new opportunities, randy's general good health and somewhat happy kids i should be sleeping peacefully, waking up feeling great and skipping out the door with a huge smile on my face. instead i feel toxic, stressed and nauseous. i'm super excited about my new job, but freaked out thinking that i'm going to screw something up. i already feel that sick feeling like i ruined a whole batch of stone and have to start over, setting everyone back a whole day, and it hasn't even happened yet! i know that it's just Satan getting in my head, trying to keep me living in fear, and i have to tell you, at the moment, he's doing his job well. maybe once the sun comes up, things won't seem so bad.

starting a new job is bad enough. it just so happened that Randy will be working as well today, leaving me juggling the kids instead of having peace knowing they are home safe with him. it's so hard having everything in my life change overnight. all i can do is put one foot in front of the other and go for it. i can pick up the pieces in a couple of days. i feel so unprepared. not wanting the kids to cook while i'm gone limits what they can eat, and we have limited options at the moment. i am going to go to the store i think, right now and at least get stuff for sandwiches. maybe that will take away some of the dizziness i feel, knowing they at least can eat... ugh! why can't life just be easy for a little while??? i find myself begging God for peace. what happened to my general sense of knowing everything is in His hands and will be fine? why do i always have to be going 90 miles an hour? why can't i learn to say no to things? i just want to go sleep. i want peaceful sleep. i want to have arms around me telling me everything will be just fine and not to worry. how did i end up growing up and being the one in charge??? i don't want that role. i want to go back a few years when everything was right and normal and safe. i want my babies to be babies, cuddled in my arms, safe and happy.

ok. enough grieving. time to move on, put on my game face and go push life around a little bit.

5 minutes to write

2010-06-23T08:07:00.000-07:00

lots going on for me physically and emotionally, but i'll stick with the emotions for today. This morning, i feel like i got that swift kick in the butt i've been needing. my heart has been all over the place worrying about people, worrying about myself, my life, my future... but this morning, a simple act of my daughter seeking me out before i ran to work, made me realize that i AM worth more than services to people. I AM worthy of being loved just for being me. i've been running in circles, fighting for something, and realized, i'm the only one fighting. history teaches us to look around. if you're the only one on the battle field, you might just be fighting the wrong fight. you can call it loosing heart, giving up or whatever. i call it saving my life. (and i think my life is worth something.)

Just a DAMN good day

2010-06-08T16:25:00.001-07:00

Randy's last radiation treatment was today, instead of yesterday, and Conor and I actually got to go this time and check it out. Conor decided to go because he was getting really anxious about Randy being sick, and he grasps the gravity of the situation of this being Randy's last treatment. It's all over. The only decision to be made... does he do scans in a few months, or just live his life to the fullest, not knowing/careing. I didn't agree to the NON HAVING SCANS idea, because i want to know what we have ahead of us to deal with, but after talking to the Dr. today, and hearing her support for whatever Randy decides, i started thinking differently about it. If he has clear scans, cool. We celebrate. If not, he lives his life with a death sentence over his head. I think not knowing, being positive and not giving up fits him. God knows we haven't ever done anything by the book, so why start now???

ALSO~ i posted on Facebook today that i have openings for house cleaning today to fill up some gaps in my schedule, and in less than 4 hours, all the spots were filled, AND i was offered a job working in a lab, making dental impressions-type-thingy's. I'll know more on Thursday, but i've known everyone who works there for at least 10 years, and it was because of my work ethic that got me the call. I feel so blessed, and know i can learn to do anything i put my mind to. I can still keep all of my houses, 2 a day for a week, AND learn a new trade and work that job the opposite week. I would say it's too good to be true, but that would be counting God out. And at the risk of sounding egotistical, i am a hard worker and it's finally paid off. I think the word that was used to describe me was "Dynamo". Plus, Randy has gotten more calls for him to teach drums, but keep them coming. He has room!

And the tension builds...

2010-06-02T06:42:00.000-07:00

Next Monday is the last day of radiation for Randy. A year and 1/2 of chemo, 3 months of radiation and the rest of his life on pills. Lets just hope that this did the trick. We WON'T know for a couple of months. It's gonna be a long summer waiting for scan day. I already feel myself pulling away and searching for my happy place. I feel like being an ostrich. Dig my head in the sand, or in my case, headphones and a book. See ya around.

oh yeah, i have a blog

2010-05-26T07:57:00.001-07:00

i am the queen of forgetting the things that help me the most, those little nuggets of information that makes life a lot easier. for me, blogging helps keep my emotions in check, yet i keep forgetting to blog and all of my thoughts cloud my head and i end up with anxiety and freak out. if you don't believe me, ask my family. i think they're all ready to dunk me in the pool. life keeps happening and i have just been stuffing all of my thoughts away in a compressed file, waiting for a day to unpack it all, but it's been 3 weeks of stuffing and it's full! i guess it's time to for mental spring cleaning...

first thing on my mind: God is good. period. all though sometimes i think He has more faith in my ability to deal with things than i do. I know i have to take responsibility to give my worries to Him instead of holding it all back and stewing on it, but once again, I'm the queen of forgetfulness. He knows my worries, and I'm sure if He was here on earth, He would suggest we sit down, have coffee and talk about it, like a girlfriend would make me do. I guess I don't let my girlfriends do that either, but maybe He would be more successful in the feat. So, God, I'm drinking my coffee, here's what's on my mind:

~My heart ACHES for Rahna, Zack, Jacob and Jaxon. I don't always understand Your plan, how some people have to live life here on earth without the people they grew to depend on and are deeply in love with. I know this hits close to home for me, so maybe I'm a little sensitive, but that will be the first question i ask You when i get there. WHY? I think this one will take me some time to work through. Maybe i should pack that one away for another day.

~My kids are growing up way too fast and it's not only making me feel old, but it's breaking my heart that my son is getting closer to becoming a soldier. This is something that he has wanted since he was knit together in my womb, i'm sure. He came out wanting to protect the world, guns blazing, so God, i ask for peace for me, and courage for him to walk boldly and safely down this path that you created him for. He feels an overwhelming urge to protect. That's awesome.

Gillian, well God, I am thankful that the sky's the limit for her, because her head's in the clouds and her joy makes me smile. You have created her for something big that involves grace, strength and compassion. I know she has my stubborn streak, so that's gotta count for something too, right?

~Randy is still sick. I forget this sometimes. I know i have forced myself not to dwell on it, because it's not healthy to, but I think in trying to forget, I forgot what we are fighting for and why life is the way it is right now. I tend to get impatient when he's not able to do the things he once used to, or when his choices are focused on things HE'S always wanted to do instead of what i want. I SHOULD WANT THAT and i do... when i remember. I'm not calling it his bucket list, because he's not dieing yet, but a list that everyone should have so they can live the life Gods called them to. Drumming is his passion, and it's what connects himself to other people. I am ok knowing it comes first, for the good of others.

~ The questions of "why am i here on earth" has been answered in a weird way. I keep thinking to myself, "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize." 1 corinthians 9:24

I get that passage, but knowing that when I die, my prize will be eternal life, why not spend my life helping OTHER people win gold? I have ALREADY won the day i accepted Christ. If my life is meant to be played out encouraging the broken, feeding the poor, and serving the weary, then I'll do it with everything in me all with a smile on my face if it gets them one step closer to knowing the kind of love i know from Christ. My job may not be glamorous, but it's one i love. College education, who needs it? I don't need the student loans hangin over my head to distract me.

I think that's enough of a mental cleaning as i can handle in one setting. It's time to go to work and think through these things, polish them up and send them on their way. Thank you blog for listening.

Miller Family update

2010-05-01T08:03:00.000-07:00

Everything is staying pretty calm, well, as much calm is normal for us. Randy is continuing on with his radiation and is working really hard to make the pills work without completely destroying his hands and feet. He has gotten in a pretty good grove with it all. I think he has a couple more months of radiation to go, then a month or so after that we can have scans done. I am a little shocked that after all the bad news and ups and downs, that we are still able to make something work. Even though he dreads having to go to the Dr. everyday, at least he's fully able drive himself there and then come home and feel pretty normal. My heart breaks for the couple of friends i have that don't have it that way. I know that with good comes bad, so we will take this calm in the storm while we have it, and re-coup from this last year and a half.

HUGE PRAYER REQUEST! We are looking for a place to move to, that's a LOT cheaper than where we are. We have been blessed to be able to stay here and not have to move in the middle of chemo and the really bad sickness. I can't tell you what a blessing that was to us, so thanks to everyone who has supported us for so long. I do have to look down the road a little ways though, and be responsible to not get caught off guard. At this point we will be living off my income, which isn't much, but i know God will help fill in the gaps. Actually, i will be filling in the gaps and letting God drive this ship. This is the point that i feel the gravity of not having a college education. Cleaning houses is a job i love, but not the best way to support a family of 4. I have a feeling that God will surprise us with another path soon enough, so i choose not to freak out.

Other than that, everything is going pretty well. We are REALLY looking forward to summer break. Can't say pool parties are in order unless we move at the end of summer, but our BBQ will follow us wherever we go, so time with friends is still on the menu. And speaking of friends, i have some chores outside to take care of so we can PLAY. Have an amazing weekend friends.

is passion a good thing? it tends to get me in trouble...

2010-04-21T17:07:00.000-07:00

so i read one of my favorite pastors blogs this morning and it really got me to thinking today. how come Christians, not all, but enough to make it an issue, tip so poorly at restaurants ? i've had conversations with some of those said people, and their response is somewhere along the line of not wanting to give more to a servant than they do when they tithe to God. ok... so many issues with that statement, but since my thought process went further than that today, i will only say this, then move on: when you tithe, 10% is a guide line. God is looking for a posture of giving, not rule following, and i'm pretty damn sure He'd be shaking His head if we chose to give LESS to someone serving you just because you want to give Him more. how bout you give your 10% at church, then when you go out to eat after church, you continue that act of giving to His children and bless them for allowing you to not have to cook!?!

enough about that. here's the rest of my thought process:

we, at the Stirring, are known for our love. Bethel is known for healing, Neighborhood for Grace and so on. we all have our roles to play in this community, but does that mean that just because Bethel focuses on healing, that grace gets overlooked? NO. are we, who attending the Stirring, going to only send our sick to Bethel to be healed? NO. why? because being strong in one area of service, doesn't give us the right to slack off in all other areas. God can heal people through friends at Neighborhood and find grace when they talk to friends at Bethel. I just believe that God leads people to the above said churches to be forged by the best in the land, then sent out to reach out to the rest of us. The connection with my thought process is this: we call ourselves Christians, read the Bible, give our 10%... then treat people like crap all because of our "beliefs". some churches, (none of them listed above) pride themselves on being more Godly for handing out tracts instead of a tip, or "showing" God their love for Him by giving more to Him on Sunday morning. i think if the Bible was still being written there would be a whole letter written to each of these churches begging them to change their ways. NO ONE GETS IT RIGHT PEOPLE, but at least TRY to humble thy-selves and look at the example that Jesus gave us. being a servant is not a glamorous job, but an important one, and if you want to seal your place BEHIND them, then continue on being jerks by cheating them out of what you KNOW is right. i am so very thankful that a few of the churches here in town, meet on a regular basis as the FRIENDS THEY SHOULD be and help each other. what's that called... oh yeah... SERVICE! read the bible, all of it, not just the old testament, then get out and live it!

quotes i live by... unfortunatly

2010-04-09T17:13:00.000-07:00

"'In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." Benjamin Franklin

but even better:

"Death, taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them." Gone with the wind

kill me. kill me now!

so many thoughts

2010-04-07T09:05:00.000-07:00

life in itself is so hard. there's things you can't control like the economy, sickness, natural disasters, the weather... so many times did i pray for it not to rain, but alas i would end up sitting on the couch worrying about randy's cancer listening to the news about another earthquake and the lack of help because no body can afford to aid yet another natural disaster, as it pours outside and the hail blankets the ground enough to make you think it was snow. these things we can't control. all we can do is try not to worry and know that we are in God's hands during this predestined life He has for us. I believe in providence. I believe that this life is not meant to be easy. I believe that we learn as we walk through life, we make mistakes, others will hurt us, we will do some things right but in the end, God is the goal.

there are however, things we can control like the people who we surround ourselves with, choices we make, and whom to trust with our hearts. we need to love and be loved. that is our commandment. LOVE. that's what the Stirring stands for. We love. We make disciples. unfortunately life still crashes into to these choices we feel that we are in control of, but that just leads us to another choice: do you continue to trust, love unconditionally, stand firm in what you feel is right? for me, i will choose to love. thankfully i have a Father who shows me this example daily. no matter what, He loves, so therefore, so should I.

My job is not to condemn, but to lift up. Not to crush, but to heal. have i made mistakes by hurting someone, when i should have put my armor around them? of course. it's human nature. that said, being human doesn't give me a free pass to continue on. my words have hurt too many times to count, but thankfully we have a God of restoration and healing. He has helped to restore broken relationships, broken hearts and broken spirits. This is where i choose to stand...

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18

leaving it all behind

2010-04-05T09:20:00.000-07:00

i felt the spirit of God crash into me yesterday harder than i ever have before. i am so thankful that He was gentle. i understand why He won't allow us to see Him visually, because i don't doubt we would just burst into flames. i was at church, minding my own business, looking forward to watching Kelly get baptized, and i ended up getting a backstage view, as i found myself standing right behind her, getting ready to get in myself.

as soon as Pastor Dan said, "i feel like someone here, who hasn't planned on getting baptized, will be joining us today..." my whole body got extremely hot and i started shaking. i tried to explain to God that i can't be baptized in a white shirt, totally un-prepared, having no change of clothes or a towel. He had other plans. I even tried to do a U turn and head out the front door, but my legs just wouldn't work, so i put my head down and walked up to Dan, put my hand on his shoulder, he gave me a knowing look and directed us up the stairs to the baptismal pool. Randy and Gillian were right behind me for support. We watched as several others were dunked, and all i could think about is something Amy had said a couple of months ago, "stop running". God has told me for a long time, "meet me by the water". Never knew what He meant until yesterday.

So there i stand with Nate looking at me with a puzzled look on his face, and i walk into the water to meet God. It was time to stop running. Time to leave it all behind and take the plunge so to speak. I felt something physically change inside of me as i came out of the water. It's not a feeling i can explain, so i won't even try. I turn around to find a towel, and i see my little girl literally ripping her top shirt off getting ready to get in herself. Randy's right behind her to pray over his girl along with Nate, and she gets baptized herself. 3 minutes later, we're all three standing backstage, soaking wet and cold and i finally felt complete and whole for the first time. I went back and forth between tears and laughter. It's an amazing feeling to know that when i met God by the water, i set my self apart for Him and am now able to leave my old self behind. I will never forget this Easter. EVER!

oh my world. what a whirlwind!

2010-04-01T20:29:00.000-07:00

i have lived out of a suit case for about three weeks now. started off with weekend at my sisters. followed by 9 days in the LA area and concluded with 4 days as a WES camp leader. i was the ONLY woman leader of a boys cabin, and it changed my life. setting the stinkyness and fart jokes aside, i had SOOOO much fun! it was cold, but mostly dry. my sense of humor has changed. i realized my body is not as young as it was when i was a counselor as a junior in high school. i laugh at the antics of 11 year olds who forgot i have a boy of my own. waking up to the silhouette of 2 boys peeing off the porch of our cabin at 2am this morning. changing my clothes in my sleeping bag because i had no where else to go??? lol. good times. so many stories, AND i realized tonight that the main guy who runs WES camp is in fact my neighbor from across the street!

all in all, life is good. family is coming to visit for Easter. Friends' lives are changing for the better. randy's... alive. what else can i ask for? i am laughing at myself right now because i should be ready for bed, but i am ready to party with 4 kiddos who are on SPRING BREAK baby!!! bring it!

taking a break from his medication

2010-03-10T19:37:00.000-08:00

saw the dr. today and she said that he needs to quit taking his medication until we get back from vacation, and then cut the dose in half. i love that we can joke with the doc and laugh through this. he's starting to feel a lot better, but still can only walk with crutches, which is hard to do with blisters on your hands i guess. poor guy.

so tired of the roller coaster. LET ME OFF!

2010-03-08T19:14:00.000-08:00

today, i hit a low. it's one of those days that i couldn't even talk to anybody without crying, so i just stopped talking. it may have seemed rude to some. sorry. my heart is broken watching Randy go through what he's going through and not being able to help him. he's already been through so much, and now... well, he's going through hell again. it just seems wrong that something that is made to help you, has such bad side effects. to me, healing should be wholesome and comforting, not toxic and painful. he woke up last week with a poison oak- like rash on his face. it has now spread to the rest of his body including his feet and hands. his fingers have big blisters on them and it hurts to even put weight on his feet, so he can barely walk. what kind of life is that?

part of me feels selfish to even ask him to continue on with the "wonder pills". if my quality of life was diminished, I would't want to live, so how can i ask him to. of course he quit complaining about the pain when he saw me crying, because that's just the kind of guy he is. I DON'T WANT HIM TO SUFFER IN SILENCE! i am so mad that i let me emotions overtake me today. he doesn't need to see me crying to know i love him. that's a moment of weakness that i don't plan on reliving anytime soon. i should just go cry in the shower like i always do. grrr! i am so mad at f'ing cancer. (sorry) it seems like we take 2 steps forward and 10 steps back. we fought hard to even GET these pills, now it's making him suffer. ugh. my head is spinning.

I can't be quiet any longer

2010-02-28T19:38:00.000-08:00

So for two weeks now, i've wanted to sit down and blog about something that is super important to me, and it took tonights sermon to get me to actually do it. This may be repetitive for some of you, but i think there is a genuine misconception about what is considered healthy in todays age of fast food and convenience. We have obviously had our feet held to the fire this last year and a half, and have had to find our way to the truth the hard way. We have been blessed though, to have 2 great friends who have been consistent with their lifestyle, and even though it took years of being friends with them, they have rubbed off. The Cable's have had it right all along. (well Cassie with the healthy eating, and Chris with his dedication to their "soon to be" farm) They have understood the importance of organic food, exercise and spiritual well being.

After reading, researching and watching "Food Inc." (thanks Amy for the suggestion), we can no longer cover our eyes and act like there's not a bad guy there standing right in front of us. The choices that we are making are literally killing us. Many people have been scratching their heads and wondering, "how did Randy get cancer?" the answer is painfully obvious now. It's all about his lifestyle. Not just his eating habits but his spiritual self as well. I'm not talking about his walk with God, but his actual spiritual being within him.

If we took a second to look at our lives, really look, and be honest with ourselves, it would only take a moment to realize our ideas for what we think are good for us, is soooo far away from the life God has created us to have. I cannot say enough about this right now, but i hope that you can stop right now and pray for God to show you the truth about what He wants for you, before you end up in the same boat we are, trying to undo all the harm that we have caused ourselves over the years. STOP EATING FAST FOOD, watch Food Inc., do more than just "take the stairs" to get healthy, get out and MOVE, get some sunshine, vitamin D is GOOD for you, you need it. Make better choices for yourself and stop blaming everyone else for what we've become. Educate yourself. Once you know the truth about what makes us sick, it's up to YOU to change. No one else will do it for you. (maybe i'm being a little harsh, but i guarantee it's a little easier than being "cut, poisoned and burned" as Randy put it, trying to get rid of the cancer that is trying to consume him). Have a great night :)

update:

2010-02-25T07:27:00.000-08:00

Randy has begun his life extending pills! REACH did what they had to do, and i don't want to know how, but they got him accepted and he got his first shipment last night. I don't even have to go to the pharmacy to get them. I'm sure with the cost of them, i'd need to have an armed guard accompany me to my truck with them anyways, so that saves me a lot of trouble.

We have also decided to have him start radiation next week? i think. He meets with the dr. tomorrow to get scanned before they begin. The only draw back with that much radiation is it will kill his bone marrow wherever they radiate. Which is all over his body. They are "thinking outside of the box" with him because he is so strong and tolerated chemo so well. I guess his blood count levels never really dropped during chemo last time, so they are confident going into this that loosing his bone marrow reserves won't effect him too bad. cool.

At this point, as i sit at this moment, we are happy. Life is good. It's been a rough few days, but it's all been worth it and yesterday ended very well. YAY!

This is interesting

2010-02-23T09:50:00.000-08:00

Just to re-cap for my blogger friends, there is a pill that Randy will start taking that costs $70,000/year. That's just over $5800/month. Yikes. The drug is supposed to stop the blood flow to the tumors, therefor stopping it's growth, hopefully, and giving him some years to live. :) There's always a catch though. (or just more hoops to jump through rather). There is a program out there that will cover the cost of the pills called REACH. Yay! But since we have medi-cal, it is getting in the way. The lady we are dealing with is a total sweetheart and is doing everything in her power to get us accepted, but then there's our issue of our share of cost with medi-cal. It has been lowered, but still not within reach for us to afford monthly, so we're back to square one.

I called our social worker today, who was also very sweet and helpful, (thank goodness for a new referral), and asked why our share of cost is so high with neither of us working. She explained that for a family of 4, our living expenses, including rent has to be less than $1,100/month. Since the Mercy fund is set up to pay our living expenses right now, we exceed that amount, so every dollar over $1,100/month is considered our share of cost. So doing the math, even if the Mercy fund paid for the pills that Randy should be taking, in less than 2 months, the fund would be depleted and we would be out on the streets. So even though there's a program set up for people like us, to pay for life saving drugs,we are not able to access it. I will not give my opinion on the Pharmaceutical companies. I do understand that there is a lot of money that goes into research for medications, but do they really have to have us by the balls just because they can. Where's the grace come in. Oh, that's right... Let's see what God does with this!

choices

2010-02-19T07:30:00.000-08:00

this has been a very different week for us. i guess the last 2 have been. We have been transitioning from eating and drinking whatever we were in the mood for, and not exercising, to working out hard daily and eating mostly veggies and drinking water. i still have my cup of coffee in the morning and and a glass of wine at night with dinner, but i'm noticing a change in my body and how i feel about myself. i'm starting to realize what i don't need in my life. the biggest factor that i look at is: does it bring me more stress than joy? there are some stressful things that we can't change like cancer and school, but we can drop some of the crap that makes us feel toxic so that we can deal with the other things we can't change. Food was an easy thing to change since we know better and have motivation to change our bodies. The harder one is relationships.

There are people that maybe should just be kept at a distance, not because they are bad people, but because they bring out the worst in us, therefore making us less than we can be. Just like saying no to Red Robin fries and eventually not wanting them anymore because you've changed your taste buds, we can do the same thing with people. If you know they aren't nourishing you and making you whole, then maybe it's just about time to start saying "no". It may suck for awhile, but eventually your mind will come back into alignment with your heart and you WILL feel better. You heart is a vital part of who you are. It deserves to be protected.

yuck

2010-02-11T06:56:00.000-08:00

today just feels like the kind of day to just crawl back in bed. i think i'm coming down off of my "high" on life from last week. It's the kind of day where it seems like there's nothing to look forward to, even though i KNOW there's LOTS to be thankful for. Randy is in Montana right now after playing with his band last night. I am very happy that he gets to still go out and do what God's created him to do. I know he's on fire right now with a drive to teach people how to take care of their bodies so they can keep cancer at bay. he has a direction and it's great to see him charging through the woods after our enemy.

he should be starting his new medication soon. it should have been here yesterday, but didn't show up. hmmm. need to follow up on that today.

lets see if i feel better after i work out.

Details and goals

2010-02-04T19:54:00.000-08:00

1st things 1st. we have TIME! Time to do a lot of the things we thought were ripped from us a couple of weeks ago. The dr's are very happy with Randy's strength and lack of symptoms. Like Randy said, if they didn't tell him he had cancer you wouldn't know. His lack of symptoms gives us options to try some alternative stuff, and that's good enough for us. We were jaw on the floor, asking "are you sure?", looking at each other with tears in our eyes shocked to hear the word "years" not "months" come from the dr's mouth. when i say years... i mean two-ish. who knows? it could be more than that.

The alternative stuff is a "cancer drug" that is NOT chemo, but also something that i can't pronounce.What it does is hopefully keep the tumors from growing by cutting off their blood supply. It isn't FDA approved to "heal" sarcomas, but has been used by Stanford with great results. An example: A girl with the same cancer as Randy, taking the same drugs for 17 months is STILL healthy and symptom free, although the tumors still are present. We may not be able to grow old together, but i don't have to start saying goodbye yet. That brings me to our goals.

Randy is on fire to change his body from the inside out. He's joining the gym tomorrow. He can't lift heavy weights because of the tumors in his bones, but can still get some of the results he is looking for. His diet is going to change, and he's the one taking control of it, not me forcing him to drink carrot juice. He is going to heal his body with positive thinking, prayer and allowing his spirit to heal him. It's the WHOLE package.

For me, i am going to go to college and get a degree and put myself on a strict diet/exercise plan as well. As Randy puts it, "make myself a catch for Mr. Right someday". I'm trying not to be too offended by that. He does know how to motivate me though. Make me mad, and I can move mountains. I just want to be more independent and well rounded of a person and not have to rely on anyone but God to provide for me and the kids someday. Who wants a needy wife anyways?

(and Clyde, i will try hard not to push people away and accept help when needed, deal?)

That's all that i can think of right now. Any ideas what i should go to school for???

i'm up, then down, then up, then down...

2010-02-02T20:40:00.000-08:00

what a roller coaster of a day. poor Randy is doing what he does best. making me laugh so i don't kill someone. He's the only person i know who can make a joke about me PMS-ing and get away unscathed. i think for him validating that fact, combo'd with me not eating until it was too late, (which either one by itself is bad news for the people in arms reach), turned my day around. Not to mention that i am stressed out of my mind. Tomorrow is gonna suck. we already know that. we feel like we are walking into, well, hell. i'm trying to make an appointment for a root canal for tomorrow at the same time so we can't go, but no one's buying it. i think someone tipped off the all the dentists in town...

anyways, it's 8:45 pm. just started laundry for tomorrow. it's gonna be awhile before i can go to bed. i am contemplating a glass of wine and plan on reflecting on today, and figure out how not to relive it again. i've gone 2 weeks without even so much as a tear, and then today, i see at least 5 people in town and lost it each time. IT'S AWESOME FALLING APART IN FRONT OF PEOPLE! :(

i ended on a good note by having a good talk with one of randy's best friends. he shed some light on some things and it should carry me over for a couple more weeks, (minus tomorrow. i already gave myself permission to cry tomorrow) it's great to know that comfort can come from the unlikely-est of places.

that said, i see myself going into a "do-it-by-myself" mode. that's way more comfortable for me, and a lot less taxing on my friends. it would suck to use up all of my favors right now... i like my little bubble. i like feeling safe, and i don't feel safe when i open myself up to other people, (family excluded) i am fully capable of doing more than i give myself credit for, and plan on making that my goal.

ahhh

2010-01-31T14:07:00.000-08:00

so i spent the majority of the weekend outside. spent time with the kids separately, got some fresh air, and finally got to hang with a good friend. plus we partied a lot this weekend. randy hasn't felt so hot though. not cancer related. but he did have fun too.

this is going to be a busy week. i have 3 houses to clean, one counseling appointment, 2 dr's visit's (one in Stanford.... ROADTRIP!) dinner with Jer and Meg, a birthday party Saturday for Randy, then Superbowl to round out the week. It seems like i'm forgetting something. hmmm. if you know something i don't, please tell me.

maybe i should go do laundry NOW, so we don't run out mid week. sounds like a plan.

have a great week friends.

up yours Satan!

2010-01-26T20:39:00.000-08:00

Totally just realized something odd. In this last year, 3 AWANA workers from NCR have gotten cancer. Dave- Director (we miss you), Darryl- leader and Director's husband, and Randy-leader and Director's husband. What this tells me is that obviously there was something we were all doing RIGHT and Satan didn't like it! Not wanting to piss him off right now, but taking out our men doesn't mean that you will defeat Gods women. You are actually making us stronger. I lift up Donna in her mourning and Rahna and I in our fight! We win no matter what. When will he figure that out? I'm so on fire right now. Time to fortify my armor. Where's my bible? oooh. it is soo on!

This is a friends post...

2010-01-25T15:23:00.000-08:00

http://warkymom.blogspot.com/2010/01/power-of-supernatural.htmlThank you Erin for you faithfulness...

(and to our other friends who won't let us give up!!!)

so some stupid family jokes...

2010-01-22T22:21:00.000-08:00

so we've had this cat Angel since we were newly dating. she is now 15. For YEARS now we have been waiting on her to die. Randy gets mad at all the cat hair on his clothes in the garage and having to feed her etc... so on Monday, he looks at her through the glass door and says "that fuckin cat is gonna out live me". maybe you had to be there, but it was funny.

also his 39th birthday is Feb. 9th, so he says he really WILL be 39 forever...

and then tonight, Rivers surprised us with the COMPLETE dessert selection. i mean COM...PL...ETE, every dessert they had. (banana's foster and the creme brule' were the best. so when i tried the creme brule', i scooped up a bite for Randy, and grabbed his face and told him, "you HAVE to try this, it's to die for". he did laugh but i will never ever say that again. EVER!

plus, we racked up a pretty hefty bill tonight. not gonna say how much, but once again, foot in mouth, i had to say " well, you have to do that at least once before you die..."

i don't think i'm allowed to speak again.

GET IN THE WORD!!!

2010-01-21T08:14:00.000-08:00

OK GOD I HEAR YOU!!!

sheesh. Thank you God for the scriptures so that i can "learn".

this is really stupid, but if you've seen Avatar, which is UNBELIEVABLE, you may understand what i'm saying. This morning God told me "I see you" and i cried and said "i see you too". it's more than just looking at God or the word, which i now understand the verse in John that says "¹In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."

when i read the word, i SEE God, just as he sees me. and as the movie explained, it's not just seeing someone on the outside, but more on the inside down to their soul. so anchoring yourself in the word, gives you a front row seat looking into the heart of God. that i believe is what keeps us in the "in-between" of being a word church and a spirit church. God is spirit AND word. it says so.

Conor has the faith of, well, a child

2010-01-19T20:25:00.000-08:00

This evening, it all sank in for Conor. He started asking questions like : "why can't they do more chemo", "what else can we do" and my favorite, with tears in his eyes and a very serious tone "if laughter is the best medicine, then you just need to laugh more". Talk about stabbing us in the gut with the sharpest knife possible! SUCKY! We ARE going to be putting them into counseling ASAP. Medi-cal finally agreed to it a year later.

Thank you Gaddy's for such a great dinner, and keeping some normalcy in our lives. It may have hurt Randy to remember the good days of his past, but there's no reason that we can't still be optimistic and enjoy your family as our future.

SHIT!

2010-01-18T20:43:00.001-08:00

that's all i can say. his old tumors have come back and there's a new one that decided to join the group. it's just a matter of time unless God decides to just be super cool and heal him. That's all i can write right now. i can't answer any questions. The dr. was crying too much to tell us much more.

this might be a long one

2010-01-17T11:48:00.000-08:00

God has stomped His foot down. Not like a child throwing a tantrum, but as a Father declaring His will for me. It is by no coincidence that the events of this last year and even more recently, this last week have led me to where i am right now at this moment.

A little over a year ago, right after Randy's diagnosis, a total stranger at the time, gave me 2 sets of "the Purpose Driven Life" and a journal to go with each book. I thumbed through it, but with all that we have gone through this year, it just wasn't the time to focus on the future, but to focus on the task at hand, which was keeping Randy alive. So i shelved them... until this morning.

I woke up this morning, feeling more defeated than i have, probably ever. I feel like my heart was wrung out one too many times and i was fearful of who i have become. I am so nervous about tomorrow's appointment with Dr. Collins. It will literally change our future, whatever the outcome. He's either healed or he's not. (I'm not taking away God's ability for healing in the future, but i do feel in my gut, the importance of tomorrow). It is also by no coincidence that we have quieted ourselves this week so we can hear God's will for us. Plus, with a not so gentle, but well founded nudge from a friend, God broke through the last thread of "myself" that i was holding onto. That literally left me paralyzed with a broken heart and spirit. JUST WHERE GOD WANTED ME!

I picked up and finished another vampire book, turned on the TV, then turned it off. I felt restless. Then i took a deep breath, walked over to my book shelf, pushed past the piles of books and found 2 dusty books that caught my attention. Purpose Driven Life. "ok God, this is our day..." After reading the preface and looking through the journal i decided that i didn't want to walk this 40 day road alone. I know that it would be a great book to build a friendship on, but God was calling me to walk this road with Randy. I came out to the living room, got him and we started talking and crying, (mostly me), and we committed to walk this road together. There's even a place to sign a covenant together, committing to this walk. How appropriate.

Whatever tomorrow brings, whatever mistakes of the past, we will always have God in our lives, and He loves us. I loved a psalm that a friend found recently. Psalm 143. Reading it fills me with purpose and hope. I am very thankful for the very breath I have, even if it's only for today.

"the things you do for love" (or coffee)

2010-01-15T21:57:00.000-08:00

learned a lesson tonight. wal-mart teaches you patience. there's only one place in town that i know of that sells the kind of coffee i like and it happens to be at wal-mart. i will not tell you what KIND of coffee it is however, since i've learned that the rule about supply and demand they taught me in high school applies, and you all will go out and buy it all up and therefore raising the price of it... so i will just tell you that it is only there and leave it at that. (oh my word, RANDY, if you don't stop screwing around on this computer and changing the font, i will choke you). geeze. i can't even see what i'm typing. frustrating...

anyways, just went in for a book and coffee and some amazingly sweet women in her 40's decided that i was too much of an inconvenience to her and she totally cut in line with a FULL cart, so i moved to another line so i didn't accidentally kick her in her, um... cart, as she was fumbling around trying to alphabetize her groceries. unfortunately my move placed me closer to a child, who if it were mine would TOTALLY have gotten a spanken right then and there. so i was in the dilemma of putting my handful of coffee, water and much needed minty gum down and walking out, or being patient and getting what i went there to get. if it were solely for me, i would've walked out, but like i said, there was the issue of the coffee.

not much of a moral to this story other than as soon as i get finished with this blog, i'm looking up to see if i can buy it online and completly avoid that store for the rest of my LIFE!!!

Life Group

2010-01-14T09:16:00.001-08:00

aaahhhh. it was SO nice to be back in a group. We abruptly stopped our last one right after Randy's surgery. I remember our last Thursday night meeting, praying for the surgery the next day to go well to remove a "swollen Lymph node". I don't think anyone had any idea that this is where we would've ended up. I sure didn't. I shared last night that i am so thankful for the members of our last group, because they were there from the beginning and I know have prayed all along. Imagine my surprise to see most of my favorite people in this world in our new group last night. Hopefully next week Randy can make it. (we were short a babysitter and tried to leave them home alone. I think that lasted 5 minutes?) Just being in a group setting was refreshing and uplifting to see that we were all on the same page. No drama. I went home fully able to conquer anything. Looking forward to Wednesdays :)

P.s. ~

Randy had a PET scan and CT scan yesterday and will have a bone scan tomorrow. He was really sick yesterday from the drink they make you drink and the injection of whatever poison they put into the I.V. during the procedure. Imagine laying still for a long time trying really hard not to throw up! yuck!!!! Tomorrow they inject isotopes 3 hours before the scan, then he goes back three hours later for the actual scan. THEN WE WAIT THREE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's time for some down time

2010-01-10T20:50:00.000-08:00

this last week was relentless. i am so exhausted. lots of work. that's a good thing. now i have 4 days off. never been this excited to stay home. ever. maybe my house will get clean now.

wednesday, randy has his scans. then we have to wait til monday to see the results. gonna be a week of faith building. please keep him in your prayers.

totally random, but i was given a calender for christmas, and i feel so much better about myself. i can look at it and plan ahead instead of waiting for my phone calender to beep at me and tell me what i'm doing next. it looks like wednesdays are the busiest.

now, if some friends could update their blog too, i could feel complete... ;)

have a great week friends!

2010... so far, not impressed

2010-01-01T19:15:00.000-08:00

i woke up with a very heavy heart today. there is so much hurt out there right now. well, i guess there always is, but it hits so close to home that it's almost unbearable. plus, because of financial reasons and the stupid high price of prescriptions, i have had to suddenly stop taking my "happy pills". (not that they make me happy, just keeps me from wanting to KILL myself) these are supposed to be weined off over a couple month period. yeah how bout 2 days? that's how long i had to adjust. come to find out, that's been the cause of my nerve pain. i feel like i'm being electrocuted every 20 seconds or so. it's been a nice few months without enjoying that sensation. oh well, welcome back my old friend.

my list of people to pray for had doubled almost over night. hopefully God excepts tears as a form of intercession. that and prayer is about all i've got. i know we're supposed to make resolutions today. i know that i won't be able to keep any, so i'm just going to go day by day, loving my family and friends and hopefully make a difference in this world. maybe i'll loose weight along the way, and become content with myself. and maybe JUST MAYBE, i can bring about world peace. LOL

i'll update everyone soon on randy's prognosis. we'll find out on the 18th if the tumors are all gone. (just mentioning that day makes my nauseous) he finished his last chemo in december. keep your fingers crossed. tears are flowing again, so i'm gonna say goodbye.

home from vacation exausted

2009-12-14T09:56:00.000-08:00

we had fun. we got to stay in an amazing house on a golf course. swim in the ocean. do whatever we wanted. went geocaching, ate shave ice (lots of it), laughed at all the roosters around, took naps, got beat up by 30-50 waves, not much hiking because of my broken tailbone... and after 16 hours trying to get home, got to see our babies who we really missed. Here's a couple pics:

what a beautiful morning

2009-11-22T09:47:00.000-08:00

i decided to go outside to have my cup of coffee this morning. it looks so cool outside today. it took at least 10 minutes before i got too cold to go in. my big dogs wanted to play ball so bad, but i like to wake up slow, so i threw the ball into the pool to buy me some time. it works great. they were too cold to jump right in like they usally do, so they stood on the side of the pool WILLING it to come to them. i kept watching them, and they didn't move, so i grabbed my camara to share. they are still there...working on their jedi mind trick.

then i looked at more poor jalepeno plant that is now dead, because randy turned off the sprinkler system off before he went on tour. i didn't know that. so anyways, i looked and out of this dead plant is a jalepeno growing all on it's lonesome. i can't believe it. i'm so proud of it.

how time flies...

2009-11-14T14:31:00.000-08:00

i decided today, to go on the hunt for something that my sister and i had growing up. it was this amazing beef jerky made with red pepper flakes on them. We would ride our bikes down to a store by our house and grab a stick of it for .99 and a dr. pepper. if we were lucky, we'd get some m&m's too, but we didn't usually have enough change. it was the PERFECT beef jerky. haven't had it in a long time. i was thinking earlier today that it had only been 10 years since i lived there, until i was was reminded ever so gently, that i'm not 22, but almost 32... guess that's what friends are for.
so anyways, i drive by our old house that we grew up in. it has changed so much. i was really sentimental, since that is the house we lived in when my dad got cancer. there are still things there that he built and somethings that are gone, but a lot of memories flooded back and i drove on. i pull up to the store where we'd pass every day going on a family walk, where Randy taught me how to drive, and we're my sis and i would go every summer for our treat. IT'S NO LONGER A STORE! i felt so sad.

it's just beef jerky, but for me it was a connection to my past and i was really craving holding on to a little bit of it for a day. so i took a deep breath and got back into the truck. my next mission, buy randy a meal from a restaurant that i guess doesn't carry what they show on commercials. i won't mention the name of the place, but for the second time today, i was defeated.

i guess when you grow up, you have to let go of the past, as trivial as it may be and find new things to fall in love with. there are times that i would like to go back to that old house we grew up in, see my friends that grew up there with me and have now passed away, go back before my dad had cancer and sit on my bed and eat beef jerky and dr. pepper with my sister, but then i wouldn't have my life that i do now, and share the things i do with my family and good friends. i am now looking forward to finding out what it is that my kids will look back on with fond memories (and buy up a lot of stock in it so i can give it to them when they get older).

whether it is a glass of wine with your loved one, an ice cream cone with your kids, or just a cup of coffee with your mom, enjoy every moment that you have with them, because time does move on and we can't hold on to it forever outside of our hearts.

it's been awhile, sorry

2009-11-11T09:10:00.000-08:00

hey guys. finally a day off. no running kids to school, no hospital visits, or houses to clean. Randy's home playing games with the kids, watching it rain, and he couldn't be happier. Last week he finished his last week-long bout in the hospital. He still has 2 more, 1 day treatments. One right before Thanksgiving and his last one right after our vacation. It's has been such a long year, but leaving the hospital at 11pm on saturday night, all of his nurses surrounded us (including Roxy) and hugged and said their goodbyes. They all know he won't be back to visit. Most people rarely do when their done. It's just not a good reminder of time spent somewhere. All of his nurses were incredible! They made things as comfortable for all of us as they could, and even spoiled the kids with ice cream when i wasn't looking. I just laughed when they thought i would be mad...

Life has some new turns to make. It seems like we have been going in circles for the last few years, but God has used this cancer thing as a way of creating change in Randy. He is finally going to persue a music career full time, and learn how to be a "better drummer". I think he's the greatest already, but practice never hurt anyone. The kids are copeing as best as they can and growing up rather quickly. Gillian's moving into her own room this weekend. Conor is devistated but it will be something that will help him grow into the great young man he's becoming. Not too many changes for me right now, but i'm ok with that. Someone has to keep the roof on the house.

I'm going to sit back today and just soak in the calmness, the rain and homecooking. Maybe even read a book. God bless the Veterens and their families, and thank you for your love.

it's been a whole year.

2009-10-24T22:15:00.001-07:00

one year ago today was the day our lives were changed. it was the day that the word cancer entered into our lives yet again. talking to him tonight made me remember all that we have endured this last year. so many ups and downs. it's so cool to be looking forward to his arrival home after being out on tour again. it's hard to imagine him drumming again, the way he used to, and even better after seeing him so sick for so long.

let's just hope that these last 3 treatments put him into remission.

what a difference a year makes:

5 minutes BEFORE we

found out he had cancer

after the tumor was removed

trying to escape

keeping things as normal as

possible by doing homework

with dad

having to shave his head

a bad chemo day

2 WEEKS AGO PLAYING AGAIN!!!!

"suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, character produces hope and hope does not disappoint us because of the love that God has poured out into us through the Holy Spirit." Romans 5: 3-5

I'll keep this short

2009-10-14T06:33:00.000-07:00

Randy's on tour and doing well.
He will continue with his chemo as soon as he gets back.
He has 3 more treatments left.

Kids are doing great.
Trashing the house as i write.
Supposed to be getting ready for school.
UGH!

Only 2 fallen trees here.
Missed our fence, but hit our neighbors.
Sucks.

That's about it.
Have a good one...

This is why Randy's on tour

2009-10-04T19:58:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urjsEqe2E_w&feature=channel_page
Check it out!

Tour season is upon us again...

2009-09-26T23:04:00.000-07:00

Randy leaves tomorrow at noon to head to D.C. for their first show since the Cascade show last October. It has been almost a year since he was diagnosed with cancer. I remember him putting off his surgery, (before we KNEW he had cancer), just so that he could play in Redding. Little did we know, they would have to put off a whole year's worth of touring. A lot of changes have happened in the band this year:

1. Jon Young quit the band
2. Randy went through 14 rounds of chemo
3. Jeremy and Meghan have conceived a baby girl, due in 2 months
4. John Scholfield quit the band
5. I gained 20 pounds!!!
6. We've seen miracles happen almost daily. well maybe weekly, but certainly enough to rejoice daily

It's weird to embrace change, but that's what we have to do. Just take it. Pray over it, then go head strong into the future with our heads held high, and out hearts in God's hands.

I am so thankful to all of our friends, acquaintances, prayer warriors, gift givers, RENT SUPPLIERS... without you guys, this year would have been impossible. We received meals for 4 months (hence most of the 20 pounds i gained. What? it was really good food!)
Our rent was paid for a whole year. Our living expenses too. I've always had a shoulder to cry on, friends to laugh with, and our health. NO ONE GOT SICK THIS YEAR! not one cold or flu. There are some of you, you know who you are, that have given me more than i deserve as far as support and love. Thank you.

so he's leaving in just over 12 hours. i need to go to bed so I'm not an emotional train wreck tomorrow. good night!

Inspiration part 2

2009-09-19T08:17:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, and did to Randy, that i was super nervous about yesterday. I know my mom and a couple of friends know too, but i was so worried that yesterday just wouldn't work out. I mean, it's been a year since Randy's really played, much less performed in front of anybody. Plus it wasn't the Myriad, just him playing to Sting, with a sound system that was set up by their new tour manager that i didn't know, giving a speech to the kids which he never does, and in front of our kids WHOLE school. if it went bad, it would be BAD for the kids. BUT... it couldn't have gone better.

First, i have to give kuddos out to Daniel, Jeff and Jed. They showed up with a rocking sound system and everything that Randy needed to sound good. Set up everything (with Gillian's help), and made him sound as fantastic as he possible could in a school cafeteria. The guys will be in good hands on tour with Daniel at the helm. Second, Randy showed just as much enthusiasm as ever and you could tell he was so very happy to be back on his thrown. Third... he was the best speaker i have ever listened to, talking to a group of school kids. (he didn't say "don't do drugs and stay in school") The kids LOVED him. The teachers and principal loved him. Even the cafeteria workers were smiling. Now that's a rare occurrence.

With a week to go til tour, randy shook off the rust that settled in, put that big smile back on his face and has the courage it takes to play in front of hundreds of people, even without his "rock and roll hair". I do see a future for him touring as a speaker in the off Myriad seasons. I feel bad for not having faith in him like i usually do. Sorry Randy... but GOOD JOB!!!

Inspirational speaker?

2009-09-17T09:01:00.000-07:00

On Friday, well, tomorrow, Randy is going to be speaking at our kids school about drumming, and music in general. Last fall, before he got sick, Gillian "shared" her dad in class and it turned into something a little bigger than he expected. They asked him to come back this year for an all school assembly. He so excited. Of course he can't do anything small, so it's going to be a fun 1/2 hour for the kids. Gillian's sooo excited. Conor is too, I'm sure, he's just so darn quiet. It's at 8:30 if any of you guys can make it. It'll be in the gym at Shasta Meadows. you should probably bring ear plugs...

Time to relax

2009-09-07T09:12:00.000-07:00

Bubble baths make all things better. Until this week, I've only taken a bubble bath once in the last few years. Not sure why. So last night, i lit some candles, turned up some relaxing music and had a glass of wine, and just soaked until the bubbles were gone. All my cares seemed to fade away, then I cuddled up and went to sleep. I woke up to dogs barking at midnight, but I at least got a couple hours of peace. I'll take it.

oh my goodness

2009-09-03T19:26:00.000-07:00

i have the privilege of taking care of a beautiful 17 month, baby girl this week. we are really enjoying her so much. we got into a great routine with school, homework, dinners baths etc... trying to accommodate a toddler in a non-baby proofed home, and then we got a call from the dr. saying that randy had to go back in for chemo this week. we thought it was next week. so on top of working a lot, and detentions, and a sick boy, and trying to get into the swing of school and new teachers, and using "mommy muscles" i haven't used in years, i am running up to the hospital 2 times a day to take randy food and make him feel loved. trying to make sure i'm spending as much time as i can to make my kids feel loved. and all the while wanting my way. i figured out this week that's not possible. i think i'm going to go on a little mini vacation this month between chemo cycles, and BEFORE randy goes in tour. i am about to loose my mind. i do not regret keeping the baby, only that it fell on chemo week. (i have a feeling that the baby's getting sick though, shhhh) wouldn't that be nice, ugh. i brought this all on myself i suppose. i think God's trying to see how far i can stretch without breaking. crying helps. crying and cleaning. the worst part is, the more i clean, more messes keep appearing. stains on the carpet (i'm also keeping their dog too) so i keep cleaning. cleaning and crying... i think i need a nice big hug, a pedicure and some loud music without interruption. i hate turning down the radio to answer a question that usually has something to do with some odd ball trivial thing that is important to an 8 year old, so it should be important to me. (did i mention that i want things my way right now?) enough venting. time to tuck in the kids and clean up the house. again.

End of the summer BBQ

2009-08-29T22:15:00.000-07:00

we found a pearl in an oyster:

...end of discussion.

Fun times

2009-08-24T08:55:00.000-07:00

Randy and I decided to head to my sister's house, last minute on friday. It's amazing what a difference in temperature there is between there and here. They are so acclimated to 60-70 degree weather, that when her and i went on a walk, i had a sweatshirt and red nose, and she was stripping down to a t-shirt and shorts. The first night, Aaron had to get me a heater because i was shivering in bed. The next day it got a little hot though. maybe 80. WHATEVER! they get that year round. I wouldn't give up our sunshiny swim days for nothing though.

The first night, we went on a sunset walk and picked blackberries. It was blissful. I wish you could see the fields of green grass, horses, cows and the mountain of redwoods in the background. With the sunset behind it and a little fog mixed in, it was breathtaking. The second day, i was "forced" to make a blackberry pie. We cooked and shopped and laughed. Went to a cheese factory, but forgot and left it at her house along with Gillian's school stuff. (Lorra, can you bring it with you next weekend?) The guys worked in the man cave pulling parts off an engine that will now occupy our boat. (I am a little worried about how fast that thing is going to go next summer). The kids played games for just a little while, but mostly played out in the ACRES of apple trees and creeks. We had a great time. But back to reality. It's good to have somewhere to escape to, to get some perspective.

Pizza night

2009-08-20T19:12:00.000-07:00

So there's always talks between people about where to get the best pizza. Round Table seems to come out on top, but i have to say, i LOVE Winco's take-n-bake. There's something about their sauce that takes me back to my childhood. So we found out a little while ago, that they sell their dough and sauce so you can make your own. That works great for us, since all of us like different kinds, so we have "make you own pizza night". (I still think mines the best). I love to have fresh mozzarella cheese and homegrown basil and tomato's. Earthy, artisan style. Plus olives mushrooms and onions. YUMMY!

First day of school!

2009-08-17T06:16:00.000-07:00

New clothes, backpacks and shoes. Time to pack lunches, (which i made last night, thank you very much) and get up early, UGH. I'll have quiet time during the day. I can go back to bed after dropping them off at school. Exercise without interruption. Have coffee with friends. This all leads up to one very important fact: FALL IS COMING!!! Happiness is just around the corner for me. I so look forward to cooler days, longer nights, and long sleeves. There's nothing better than cuddling under a blanket, looking at the stars, or lighting candles and having a nice dinner. It's harder to do these things in summer, because it's too light out for too long. I am in my best moods from September til January.

I think to celebrate today, we will go back to bed after we meet the kids' teachers, and hug a few friends we haven't seen in 2 months. This pic makes me laugh. This is their true feelings about school shining through.

oh what a night!

2009-08-06T21:53:00.000-07:00

adventures...

we headed out for a date night on the lake tonight. my mom had the kids. i packed dinner. randy prepared the boat. we grabbed some sweatshirts and some starbucks and off we went. 6 o'clock, billowy clouds, 75 degrees, nice. 6:30, dinner time, really cloudy, music on, happiness. 7pm, uh oh... rain's coming, let's head back. 7:10 really raining, stop right here under the bridge, can't make it back to dock since rain is stinging our faces. turn up radio, sit under bridge and watch it rain. 7:40 rain's gone, let's putt around the lake and watch the sunset. 8:15ish, sun sets. clouds come back. let's start heading back. 8:16... engine dies. crap! rain comes, again. trying to keep engine running. trying... trying. slow progress. still raining. 8:45 FINALLY make it back to "no wake zone", engine starts. HA! thanks!!! load up the boat. head home. get to mom's. conor has a migraine. throws up on way home. awesome. no more date nights for awhile.

I learned a couple of things today:

2009-08-04T20:40:00.000-07:00

1. Conor does NOT like to go fast on the boat...
2. ... unless he's driving.
3. When it's been 12 years since you've knee boarded or tubed, take it easy.
4. LEAN BACK! if not, you WILL do a face plant. At this point, you will remember all that you forgot over the years.

We had a blast today, speeding around Whisleytown, blaring my favorite mix cd, labeled "Jan 2009". This is the 2nd time we got to take the boat out, and are still working out the bugs. The kids and Rox are getting better at being on the boat. I'm remembering what muscles HURT after a day on the lake. Love being in the sun. Love being with my family. I finally LOVE loVE LOve summer. Looking forward to next week with some good friends and more good times to be had.

Randy's new toy

2009-07-30T20:29:00.000-07:00

He has wanted a jet boat since he was Conor's age. He helped HIS father shine the heads and buff out the chrome on his boat growing up. Now he has one of his very own and it didn't cost him a dime. It was a strait trade for his motorcycle. I'm so excited to have that thing gone, because it was way too fast and WAY too dangerous. Plus this is something we can all enjoy as a family and have our friends out. It will take some work, and some new paint, but it's in great shape and runs great! We hope to take it out tomorrow. Roxy, our dog, of course has to go and needed a life jacket since she can't swim, so enjoy the pics:

Randy update

2009-07-24T16:29:00.000-07:00

Not much has changed really, except for his chemo schedule. He used to go in for 2 different cycles, every three weeks. One cycle was for 3 days, the other for 5. He finished his 3 day cycle, and so they spilt up his 5 day cycle into 2 separate ones. From here on out, he will go in for 5 days, then 1 day three weeks later. The 1 day will be outpatient. :)

He is feeling very excited and is looking at this downhill battle with a smile on his face. He WILL get to go on a small tour with the guys in the fall. This is a very good thing. The dr. plans on sending him home on antibiotics to keep him from getting sick again. There's some peace there for me. Without them, I don't think I would be getting much sleep with him being home, with all the worry of him passing in his sleep like the dr. said could happen...

He will also have scans this week or the next, so we should know then. I'll keep you posted. thanks again for all your prayers.

Happy Sunday

2009-07-19T10:34:00.001-07:00

All's I'm gonna say is: Banana stuffed french toast and brown sugar glazed bacon.
OH MY WORD!!!
Bananas, brown sugar and butter, cooked, mixed with cream cheese and stuffed into french bread and baked. Thick cut bacon with a mixture of brown sugar, cayenne and black pepper... baked til crispy. Maple syrup. (possibly a tequila sunrise, i'm just saying, it might go well with it). YUMMY!!!

girls night out...

2009-07-15T22:55:00.000-07:00

... then back to reality.

i was introduced to "Italian margaritas". normal regular 'ol margaritas, with an amaretto floater. yummy! then i came home...

i had a blast with jen and her sis. appetizers, drinks, easy talk, we closed down Rivers. (although they close at ten, not like we stayed til 2am..) i had so much fun getting out. i could be myself without a care in the world with someone that i KNOW loves me more than the world. we all just chatted and laughed til we HAD to leave. although the bus boys let us stay 30 minutes later than closing. i was so happy. i still am, but i came home to the reality of my life. sterile gloves, groshongs, alcohol swabs, masks, and tape. it was time to change Randy's dressing and flush his tubes. I am laughing right now at the complete opposite life that i want, and the life i live. don't get me wrong. i adore my husband. i just wish that, at the age of 31, i didn't have to live the life of someone much older than i.

i know that right now, i am supposed to suffer. i don't ask "why", i just know i am supposed to be here right now. i am SOOOO thankful for my friends. they show me love. a Godly love. Kris, Meg, Jen, Chris and Cas, my mom... they all give me what i need. Love. if it wasn't for them being there for me, i wouldn't make it through this part in my life. Thank ya'll...

here's a couple pics of happiness:

my personal mission

2009-07-13T21:07:00.000-07:00

i have decided to change who i am. i REALLY need to loose 20 pounds and i really want a tattoo. SOOOO i've decided to pay myself $5 for every pound i loose, then by the time i meet my physical goal, i'll be able to afford my tattoo. it shouldn't take more than an hour to get it done, so i think that i could keep it around $100. it would be REALLY cool to meet this goal by november for my birthday. it would finish up this time in our lives too, that i'm really excited to finish. (his chemo is supposed to be done right before my birthday). the tattoo that i'm getting is Romans 5: 3-5. look it up. it'll make sense. if you see me eating or drinking something i shouldn't, as my friends i commission you to kick me in my butt! i feel like God's calling me to ready myself to "be ready" when He does call me to fulfill His mission He has set aside for me. i'm not ready yet, but i will be soon...

becoming a man

2009-07-09T11:39:00.000-07:00

Conor is 10, ok? he needs to start doing things that make him more, well... manly. I think i have done him an injustice by making him his food while i expect Gillian to make her own. I am WAY too easy on him and i realized that when he started complaining that he was bored and tired. his dad will go out and pour concrete while going through chemo, yet his son sits on the couch and plays games. NOPE no more. he wanted to do chores so he can buy a cool "famas" air soft gun. i just killed 2 birds with one stone. i let him earn money and gave him a way to get what he wants while putting his money in savings. he still picked up dog poop and earned some money, but BUILT the gun with dad out of metal AND mowed the lawn. here's some pics:

Girls day out

2009-07-06T21:08:00.000-07:00

Gillian has been getting lost in the shuffle with everything going on lately, and she has really been clingy. Yesterday it was obvious that I had to change my priority for her and it has paid off. I promised her a whole day alone with me. Her face lit up and she got really excited. So this morning I told her to get dressed, and we headed out to town for some distraction free fun. We started off with "Ice Age 3D". Totally cool effects. Next was Olive Garden, then a hair cut for her. Then we hit a store to buy a new poster (Twilight again), then came home. I think she got her fill since she has been at the neighbors the rest of the day. It's great to be able to meet HER needs for a day and fill her cup up. She needed to know that she never has to fight for my attention. She will always be my baby girl. Sitting next to her in the theater with our goofy 3D glasses on was just what I needed to remember why I'm here. She needs a mom that will drop anything for her when she needs me. We all need to have someone like that in our lives no matter how old we get.

oh randy...

2009-06-28T07:23:00.000-07:00

friday was just about as eventful as i care to participate in EVER again. the day started off fine. we got up early and worked in the yard before it got too hot. later some friends came over to swim. randy was in his room drumming, getting ready to light the BBQ, when he started shaking. not in a seizure way, but like he was just dropped into the Bering sea and was in the water for 5 minutes, can't catch your breath way. well let me back up. 45 minutes before that, he had to go get his "line" flushed because there was blood in it. they said it was no big deal, so then he came home and 45 minutes later started shaking.

so he went and covered up in bed, trying to get warm. i took his temp, it was fine at the moment. all i could think of is maybe he had a blood clot and they just loosened it and now it's in his heart. i start crying, but if you know me, usually i handle things first and i don't cry until it's all over. i had a house full of people, thank goodness they were all good friends, i walked out sobbing told everyone to get out and said we're going to the E.R.

our friend Mike realized i can't drive so he threw us both in our truck and drove 85 miles an hour down 44, through the construction with the hazards blinking making people move, not that they all did, which is for another blog..." rules of the road!", but anyways, we got to the E.R. just to sit there with him shaking, starting to spike a fever, around a bunch of sick people and some guy with a tooth ache. ok, if you have a tooth ache, do you REALLY need to be in the er taking time away from little babies who need to be seen for extremely high fevers and guys with their legs half hanging off?!?!?! grrr. GO HOME AND TAKE TYLENOL! (breath)

so they take his vitals, send him back out, with a mask and he sits there for 2 hours. he's getting worse and i want to scream. i decided to walk around the corner to the oncology unit, and started crying. his nurses hold me and said they are working on getting him a room. (i called them on our way to the hospital so they kicked people out of his room and got it ready. i LOVE his nurses!!!) they told me he is going to be fine and so i went back and waited another HOUR! oh, and by the way, my cell phone dies in the middle of this whole thing and there are people that i want to talk to and now can't get ahold of.

so after an hour, i walk BACK down to talk to his nurses, and they were mad that E.R. hasn't even seen him yet. his dr called while i was standing there and was also mad. he told them to go GET him out of that germ infested hallway since he has no immune system to be found. she marched right down there and grabbed him from the nurse who was just finally getting around to checking him out. checked him into his room and immediately started antibiotics. i still had no idea what was going on. all i knew is that he was really sick, the kids and doggies were taking care of and i'm not leaving his side until i knew what the heck was going on. come to find out (the next morning) is that he was neutropenic and had an infection, meaning his white blood cells were at almost zero, and if we hadn't taken him in when we did, he would have died within hours, because of a bacterial infection. the dr. said that it's not like healthy people having germs all around us, with randy, it can actually kill him within hours, and if we don't do something about it, infection spreads like wildfire and there's no way of catching it.

he's doing great today. they controlled his nausea and fever. they are getting his white blood cell count up with painful injections, and he should be able to come home soon. i plan on bleaching the whole house today, furniture and all. i don't care. bleach is going into the carpet shampooer, in the dish water, toilets, etc... if you have an aversion to bleach, don't come over. actually, he won't be able to have company this week. no more taking for granted his immune system, no matter how tough he feels. i'm back to being the hand sanitizer Nazi that i was in the beginning.

L.M.A.O.

2009-06-26T11:12:00.000-07:00

2 things...
All that Gillian has been singing since the day that i have been battling with finding my "joy" is "trading my sorrows". the lyrics are great. God has always used her to keep me close to God.

Then Conor just walked out of his room with EVERY piece of his Nerf guns put together and somehow made into this... thing that is huge. he could barely lift it. The look on his face was priceless. he was so proud. i love Nerf for making everything interchangeable. aliens beware...

joy

2009-06-24T06:09:00.000-07:00

there are times in life that you look around when you feel like you have nothing and find joy in the things you do have. we have always been good at that. we have been broke before and still managed to have fun with whatever we had, and know that better times would come. we would eat ramen, cuddle around the tv (if it wasn't shut off), and just enjoy each other's company. we always had our health, so that was something to be thankful for. i have to say, these last 6 months have stripped us of so much, including randy's health and it's getting harder and harder to find joy in the things around us. yesterday, randy asked me if i thought there were times in life that we may just not have joy, and maybe God is teaching us to be ok with that. i'm starting to wonder. i have always been the encourager for randy, since he was for everyone else, but it is really hard on days like these to look over at him, when he looks very frail, and tell him to find joy in something. tv, books, this house, pool, food... all the things that used to bring him joy have no meaning right now. it's contagious too. i have had enough of just laying there watching tv, or reading, i don't like to swim alone, food just makes you gain weight, so why bother since that's another battle i'm fighting. the kids still bring us joy, but they are so independent now, they are either at their friends house, or here with all of there friends. i feel like all i do is clean house do laundry and when i do stop, then i worry. i want to find joy again. i hate feeling like "what's the point?" this morning i woke up with an overwhelming feeling of sadness and i don't want to walk down that road of depression again, that's why i'm venting. maybe some of you guys who have been here can give us some ideas.

Hercules is finished...

2009-06-17T21:41:00.000-07:00

It was 4 days of work, blood, sweat and tears.

Randy's sweat, my tears and Mikes blood. (don't ask)

When you see this bad boy in person, you'll see why it's called Hercules.

The BBQ that I bought Randy his first Father's day, finally broke. It was

Time for a new one. Good timing, just in time for Father's day again.

Randy built this thing from scratch. Tons of fun and metal and welding.

Looking forward to many BBQ's with all of you guys who read this.

LAKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-06-14T19:57:00.000-07:00

woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they kicked BUTT. championships...15 (ISH).
kobe's rings... 4
Phil Jackson (who I think is the best coach ever, since he also lead the Bulls to several championships) just earned his "X" hat, meaning 10! championships!!!, is the better coach, even though he has 3 more to go to beat an all time record, was AWSOME! WE'RE SO HAPPY!!!
GOTTA GO! yeehaw go cali!!!!

I WANT ONE!!!

2009-06-09T21:02:00.000-07:00

really bad. i am so lucky that i can't drive or else i would be consuming this yummy ice cold treat as we speak. i have never craved something so much in my life. what the heck is wrong with me. i should be focused on the fact that my laker's lost game 3 tonight, or that my kids haven't showered yet... all i want is a yummy cold chocolaty frosty with fries. HELP!!!

HAHAHAHAHA!

2009-06-08T23:02:00.001-07:00

i found this random picture on my phone and thought i would share with you guys. Roxy loves her daddy. I wonder what she'll think when his hair grows back...?

friends. thank God for friends!

2009-06-07T13:04:00.000-07:00

when you hear the words " can i stand here with you", when you're crying and trying to make it through a worship service without trying to think of a way to escape and go home, but you sat too close to the front to duck out, so from now on it's the back of the bus for you baby, those words (made me cry even more) but made me feel like i wasn't completely alone. thank you Kristen for your strength and friendship. thank you for just standing there with me. thanks for not making me feel like all i am, is a wife of a cancer patient. thank you for putting yourself out there for me when i was having a hard day. i really appreciate it...

lots to blog about, but nothing super cool

2009-06-07T07:47:00.000-07:00

i guess i have to go back to last weekend. Relay for Life was great. Gillian and i (and my mom) stayed for the whole 24 hrs and walked a big chunk of the time. all in all, we both walked/ran 11 miles and loved every moment of it, that was until we stopped and every muscle in our body hurt. i was not supposed to run. dr's orders... but did i listen, NO! and now i can hardly walk a week later. oh well. i'll have to be creative in my weight loss battle, since walking/jogging and elliptical are out.

the kids got awards this week for school. Gillian for "mathematician of the year" and conor for "perseverance". i do have pics i might post later. i don't want to walk to the truck to get my camera. (see part 1) their last day of school was thursday like everyone else i'd assume. so far they've gotten to look at the pool from the living room and watch the rain fall on it. FUN! they've been a LITTLE edgy about the whole thing. 2 days into summer and i'm already threatening summer school!!! at least they got a little break yesterday at a friends house playing a REALLY cool track game. it's way too addictive though and i might steal it from my kids if we got one, so maybe just leave it for a treat when we go visit.

i think all of you guys know i have taken a leave of absence from work. it's only until the fall when the kids go back to school. i hit a wall that i was afraid i wouldn't be able to come back from, so i decided to take a break before i completely melted down. i am now sleeping better, and spending more time with the family. i get to cook with randy, and WAS walking everyday. we'll see how long i have to wait for that. i'm just in coasting mode for right now. everything feels weird, but i think it's just because everything's in slow motion.

as far as randy goes, he's home until june 17th, and will hopefully be home for father's day. right now he's struggling with something called "neuropathy". it's caused by the last chemo drug they gave him called "vincristine". it effects his nerves at the base of his spinal chord and he feels pain with every heartbeat. it pretty much cripples him. he has to find some quiet happy place and just get through it. lamaze breathing enters in at the worst of it, and he just rocks back and forth. it's really hard to watch him go through it. it's a definite reminder that something's wrong with his body. well's he's up, gotta run...

Allright, this is a 2 parter:

2009-05-27T17:31:00.000-07:00

Part 1:

God is so good! We met with the Dr. this morning and she said, that in her professional opinion... the tumors that are in Randy's bone's are actually gone and that the spots that showed up on the last bone scan were actually his healthy bone tissue regenerating itself. Who in the world would have thought that it would actually repair itself?!?! The holes in his bones are fixing themselves. WOW! ok, so onto part 2

Part 2:

As a mom of a boy who loves video games, this is proof to all of you nay sayers out there who say that it makes them monsters. If any of ya'll know Randy and Conor, it's their "thing" to play games together. Conor grew up in a gamer house, and believe me, I've gotten A LOT of flack from other parents who say that it will turn them into little brats and make him spoiled, stupid, etc...well get this: In the car on the way to the hospital today he said, "You know what just clicked in my head, I mean I just realized this right now... games aren't as important as my family, friends or God. I need to spend more time focusing on that". So take THAT! He came to that conclusion all on his own. It's proof that even 10 year old boys can make the right choices even when it seems like all they think about is themselves and what they want. Then he wanted to do his homework in the hospital so that he had time to spend with his sister later... now i want to reward him with a video game. Funny, just like God, parents like to reward their children when they make the right choices. Here's a pic of how our life is at this moment, "Homework in the hospital":

UGH!

2009-05-27T05:22:00.000-07:00

Well, we're hopefully at the halfway point with chemo. He goes in for round 9 today. Of course it's not without added stress. Gillian came home from school throwing up (from the ibuprofen we gave her to get rid of the headache), and ended up with a fever/sore throat all day yesterday, and still has it. So now I get to figure out what to do with a sick kiddo while we go to his dr's appointment and then to the hospital. Which now of course means that Conor will probably get sick, and he has a huge book report due, and a camping trip this weekend with his boy scouts. Is he gonna get sick before and miss the trip, or after and I get to drive hours to go bring him home. PLUS I have Relay for Life this weekend. Randy was supposed to be home from chemo already, so he was going to have the dogs, and Gillian. Gillian can stay with me and my mom I suppose, but Roxy??? I doubt I can take her too. Who knows, maybe I'll get sick too and we'll all stay home and miss it all. Once again UGH!!!

I guess I asked for it in my last blog. I think I said pain is better than not feeling anything... hmmm.

true feelings, or lack there of...

2009-05-19T06:33:00.000-07:00

i woke up this morning wanting to enjoy the day. it's great weather, randy's back at work, kids are almost done at school, so i should feel overwhelmed with joy, right? in reality i woke up not able to feel a thing. i'm learning that your body has a defensive mechanism that actually numbs you from feeling anything if you push it all away for long enough. i have put up walls for so long when i feel the threat of pain coming on, that now i can't feel joy or pain. that's a crappy feeling. i would almost take pain if it meant i felt alive again. at least i know that when i feel pain and sorrow, God is there with me holding my hand. i want to feel SOMETHING again, something to tell me i'm alive. i guess my choice for today is just not to react. i won't go looking for hurt, i'm sure enough of it is on it's way. i do pray that God breaths some joy back into our life again. i promise to be on the lookout for the blessings He gives us daily. i know they are there, i just have to pull my head out of my butt long enough to see them. biggest lesson to myself: walls damage more than they protect...